a blogumn by Ryan Dixon

 

FIERCELY ANTICIPATING

He’s Just Not That Into You

While the six words that make up the title of this newly released romantic comedy are probably endowed with more romantic truth than anything since Shakespeare’s 18^th sonnet (Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?), when discussing the triumphs and travails of dating with my own friends I prefer equally direct analogies and metaphors from sports. Here’s just a brief taste of my Football Dating Handbook:

Note: To properly understand the analogies, just replace the football terms with dating terms.

1. The frustration felt during a long stretch of bad dates:

2. When an easy hookup turns into a disaster due to your own actions:

3. A reminder that dating is a serious business:

Now in Theaters

KINDA WANNA SEE

Pink Panther 2

Speaking of dating, I was on one a few weeks ago with a French girl relatively new to the U.S. In an effort to bridge the cultural divide between us, I mentioned my excitement to see The Pink Panther 2. (Yes, the film doesn’t star Peter Sellers nor is it directed by the criminally underappreciated Blake Edwards, but it’s still Inspector Clouseau!) Even before I finished my sentence, she rolled her eyes, sneered and then said her French accent: “You Americans think the French accent is so funny. Not being able to pronounce hamburger is not funny. It’s stupid.”

Somehow, I was able to finagle a second date during which we where discussing what to do for dinner. It was during this conversation that she said, without even thinking about it, “ I’m in the mood for a humbugggar.”

J’accuse! I began to laugh, looked to her and said, “You’re wrong. A French person not being able to pronounce ‘hamburger’ is funny.”

 

So, when you’re deciding what to see this weekend, your enjoyment of The Pink Panther 2 probably comes down to whether or not you think this scene is funny:

Now in Theaters

WOULDN’T WATCH IF YOU PAID ME

Space Buddies

I will save the Marley & Me jokes for another day; what I want to know is this: Aside from the Leprechaun series, whose ever-changing settings have taken audiences from the suburbs to Vegas to outer space and then into the ‘hood (twice), has there been a film series that has giving us such increasingly absurdist locales and plots as the Air Bud saga?

 

For those unfamiliar, Air Bud was a rather conventional film about a basketball-playing dog (is there any other kind?) and if that had been all there was, I would not be writing this blogumn today. But, like the IVF Octo-Mom, the first film gave birth to an alarming number of sequel spawn as Air Bud became endowed with a Bo Jackson level of athletic eclecticism. For those of you keeping track, thus far the world has been blessed with Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Air Bud: World Pup, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud: Spikes Back and Air Bud Aussie Rules.

 

And then, in that great Hollywood tradition of more being more, Air Bud begat the Air Buddies and one dog became six talking puppies who have been seen in Air Buddies, Snow Buddies and now Space Buddies, where the Buddies sneak aboard a experimental space shuttle. Coming in 2010, I kid you not: Santa Buddies.

 

Seeing that I’ve been in a good mood ever since Sunday, when the Pittsburgh Steelers won their NFL record sixth Super Bowl championship, I will not rip into the fact that when it comes to dog movies, audiences seem to be as gullible as an NPO doing business with Bernie Madoff. Instead, I will share with you some highlights of the glowing customer reviews on Amazon.com — where the film’s averaging four out of five stars– that I’m sure were written by actual customers and not interns at Walt Disney home video:

“The highest praise I can give it is that my children loved it and I wasn’t bored. Recommended for children of all ages.”

“Well, they won’t be winning any prestigious film honors, but the “Buddy” movies are great for young kids. The storylines are easy to follow and focus on family and teamwork. You can safely let them watch without worrying that something is going to scar them for life.”

“Space Buddies is an adorable movie. Of course it is aim towards younger kids but I am an adult and I enjoyed it. It’s a great family movie. If you like the air bud/air buddies movies then I think you’ll like this one as well. Don’t forget to check out Space Buddies. I don’t think you will be disappointed. Space Buddies is well worth the $13 I paid for it.”

Now available on DVD and Blue-Ray (Forget renting it, I’d really recommend buying this one.)

P.S. Although it didn’t make the cut above, the newly released 2-disc special edition of Yentl deserves a special mention. I mean, come on, has there ever been a better cure for the Super Bowl hangover than a weekend spent with Barbara Streisand, Mandy Patinkin and the immortal song, “Papa Can You Hear Me”?

P.P.S. What is that you say, dear readers? You want one more scene from Yentl to guide you into the weekend? Well then, I must oblige:

P.P.P.S. One more scene? You’re incorrigible. Okay, fine, I give in…