5 Things I Just Don’t Trust [Friday 5er]

1. Crepes

I know some people are crazy about these dubious offerings, but every time I see one I tend to get the feeling I’m in the presence of food with an identity crisis.

Are you an omelette? Are you a pancake? Are you a savory main dish or a dessert?!? Make up your mind, man!

For the time being, I’ll just stick with my benedict, thankyouverymuch.

2. Cross Walk Buttons

I have the sneaking suspicion that the entire system of the well known green walking person vs. red hand is a perfect example of appeasing people by making them feel like they have some sort of control.

I am one of the minority of Angelenos who actually walks a fair amount in our lovely smog ridden city, and I would bet you a Ruth’s Cris porterhouse that pushing that damn button does NOTHING.

I have to chuckle to myself sometimes when in the presence of someone who thinks that pushing it multiple times – like someone ringing a doorbell with an axe murderer on their tail – will somehow speed the changing of the lights. No sir, don’t trust ‘em.

3. Packaged Lunch Meats

First, I must admit to the fact that from about the age of 14 until the age of 29 I was a vegetarian (it was the bacon that brought me back, damnit). Even now I would say I’m not the most devout of carnivores, yet from the earliest memory I’ve always been a bit weary of packaged lunch meats.

Upon opening the vacuum sealed container, one gets a wiff of something with absolutely zero resemblance to a nice baked ham or roasted turkey, and yet we perserevere, even when the obviously slimy texture hits our fingertips while we make our turkey Sammie.

Maybe I’m alone on this one folks, and I totally still eat them from time to time, but I’m not comfortable with it.

4. People Who Hover In The Checkout Line

PEOPLE! This is a public service announcement! Getting thiiiis close to the person in front of you buying some Bud Lite and cantaloupe or splurging on those cute summer sandals will NOT:

a) help you get done any quicker; b) lead to making a friendly new acquaintance; or c) do anything whatsoever helpful and not uncomfortably annoying.

Why do you feel the need to make actual physical contact with my purse? My inching away from you is NOT, in fact, a coy way of saying “here, let’s go THIS way ever so slowly together!”.

No more of this.

5. Shifty-Eyed Dogs