Wow! It’s Wednesday! How Responsible Are We For Our Kids’ Views On Race?
If Jerry Garcia and Nina Simone had hooked up, they would've definitely had a butterfly, but she would have started off as a caterpillar.
Interestingly enough, I received this Newsweek article from three different people, which I took as a hint that I should mention it on the ole blog. The article can basically be summarized as this: even if white parents think they are teaching kids not to see race, kids still see it, and not only segregate themselves accordingly, but also consider their own race superior. This is mostly because as it turns out when most white parents say that they’re teaching their kids not to see race, what they really mean is that they don’t talk to their kids about race. Like at all. And so kids come to their own conclusion, like that their own skin color is the best, and oh yeah, that their liberal parents don’t like black people.
Now I find this last point most interesting, b/c if you had asked me whether my parents liked white people when I was a child, I would have said no. Not because they didn’t like white people (I found out later that they both considered it a waste of time and energy to hate on white people), but because I never saw them with white people. They didn’t have any white friends and the only white people that ever came over to our house were invited by my sister and me.
So no, I didn’t think my parents liked white people. And I imagine that it doesn’t matter how liberal you are or what you say. If your kids don’t regularly see you with people of other races, then they’ll probably come to the same conclusion as the kids in the featured Newsweek study.
Oh, and another off-main-topic point from the article: the vast majority of people have a same-race best friend. I, myself, have a black best friend, even though my social world is mostly populated by white people, so I find this easy to believe. Contrary to what television and movies try to tell you, most people best-friend within their own race. Interesting, right?
But back to the main topic. The Newsweek article got me to thinking about how Betty will perceive race — especially since it didn’t mention interracial children at all. More specifically, I wonder if she’ll prefer one side over the other. I featured a video last month, in which a little biracial girl said she felt embarrassed when her black mother came to pick her up, b/c all of her friends’ mothers were white. I really, really don’t want Betty to be that girl.
But then all the handwringing of the article had me wondering about something articles like this never seem to consider. Just how responsible are parents for their children’s views on race?
Now I don’t agree with “not seeing race.” That view makes race seem like a pejorative concept, and I think it’s better to teach our kids to embrace as opposed to ignore our differences. However, I’m also aware that there are plenty of racists that don’t have racist parents and plenty of “one-worlders” who do.
If a stone-cold racist screeder like the terrorist who invaded the Holocaust museum couldn’t convince his own son to also be a racist, then how can we expect our children to embrace our higher ideals?
I can talk to Betty about race until I’m blue in the face, but in the end she’ll draw her own conclusions.
But maybe you disagree. Do you think that parents are responsible for how their children perceive race? And IR parents, are you scared that your child will reject or be ashamed of your half of her or his heritage. Let us know in the comments.
As a biracial woman, I wanted to weigh in. My mother is black and my father white; I spent close to equal time with each side of family, but more with my mother's. I don't remember ever being embarrassed by my mother or her family growing up, family was family no matter the color; my grandfathers used to hang out and have coffee. I think being biracial helped my brother and I to be more compassionate, because racism wasn't something that happened to or was done by "others", we shared both histories. BTW, I am 27 years old and from the heart of the midwest.
That is awesome to hear. And I'm glad that being biracial has made you more compassionate. Do you think it was your parents' influence or being biracial that led to this?
As a biracial woman, I wanted to weigh in. My mother is black and my father white; I spent close to equal time with each side of family, but more with my mother's. I don't remember ever being embarrassed by my mother or her family growing up, family was family no matter the color; my grandfathers used to hang out and have coffee. I think being biracial helped my brother and I to be more compassionate, because racism wasn't something that happened to or was done by "others", we shared both histories. BTW, I am 27 years old and from the heart of the midwest.
That is awesome to hear. And I'm glad that being biracial has made you more compassionate. Do you think it was your parents' influence or being biracial that led to this?
As in any situation, I hope to pass on my ideals to my child in the hopes that they will embrace them, too. I want my daughter to believe what I believe and hopefully by living those ideals and not just paying lip-service to them, you impress upon your children why they are important and 'right.'
One reason I'm very glad that we live in such a diverse area of the country is that she will have the opportunity to be exposed to other races and cultures and learn that just because they are different doesn't make them better or worse than anything else. And to be excited about those differences because of the opportunity they present to learn to new things. Growing up in the military afforded me many of these opportunities as a child and I cherish those experiences.
On a total tangent, once in my life I had a best friend that wasn't of my own race. She was from Bangladesh and I remember that her mom made these really spicy cookies. I loved going to her house because it was like going on an adventure.
Spicy like pumpkin spice or spicy like hot? And I like what you say about living ideals as opposed to paying them lip service. I hope I'll be able to do this in every aspect our family lives, not just race.
As in any situation, I hope to pass on my ideals to my child in the hopes that they will embrace them, too. I want my daughter to believe what I believe and hopefully by living those ideals and not just paying lip-service to them, you impress upon your children why they are important and 'right.'
One reason I'm very glad that we live in such a diverse area of the country is that she will have the opportunity to be exposed to other races and cultures and learn that just because they are different doesn't make them better or worse than anything else. And to be excited about those differences because of the opportunity they present to learn to new things. Growing up in the military afforded me many of these opportunities as a child and I cherish those experiences.
On a total tangent, once in my life I had a best friend that wasn't of my own race. She was from Bangladesh and I remember that her mom made these really spicy cookies. I loved going to her house because it was like going on an adventure.
Spicy like pumpkin spice or spicy like hot? And I like what you say about living ideals as opposed to paying them lip service. I hope I'll be able to do this in every aspect our family lives, not just race.
I do believe that parents have a profound effect on how their children perceive other races, ethnicities, cultures, etc. On one hand I guess you could say well that is not necessarily true because just because a parent is racist does not mean the child will be (e.g., look at the interviews of the son whose father opened fire in the Holocaust Museum). But at the same time, I lived in Southwestern Pennsylvania (not the most racially friendly place at times) for eight years and it was often an adventure. But I remember one time when I was walking through a mall window shopping and this young boy, maybe 12 or 13 was staring at me. At the time I was sporting a short natural hair cut dyed blond and he said to his friends, "wow that is unnatural, it's like a Jew eating pork." I was stunned! Now I acknowledge that this was an assumption, but I suspect that he learned that at home. I truly believe that racists are not born; they are made. So I would argue that it is really important to take an active role in shaping your child's racial perceptions. And I think it is unrealistic and to some degree irresponsible to not try and do so because you believe you should be color blind in a world that is far from it.
I do believe that parents have a profound effect on how their children perceive other races, ethnicities, cultures, etc. On one hand I guess you could say well that is not necessarily true because just because a parent is racist does not mean the child will be (e.g., look at the interviews of the son whose father opened fire in the Holocaust Museum). But at the same time, I lived in Southwestern Pennsylvania (not the most racially friendly place at times) for eight years and it was often an adventure. But I remember one time when I was walking through a mall window shopping and this young boy, maybe 12 or 13 was staring at me. At the time I was sporting a short natural hair cut dyed blond and he said to his friends, "wow that is unnatural, it's like a Jew eating pork." I was stunned! Now I acknowledge that this was an assumption, but I suspect that he learned that at home. I truly believe that racists are not born; they are made. So I would argue that it is really important to take an active role in shaping your child's racial perceptions. And I think it is unrealistic and to some degree irresponsible to not try and do so because you believe you should be color blind in a world that is far from it.
Beautifully written and I'm so glad you are hot on the topic this week. I'm cross posting on TNF.
Beautifully written and I'm so glad you are hot on the topic this week. I'm cross posting on TNF.
I definitely think that racism is taught. With that said, I also think that children do not like to be different because it can be challenging with their peers. Not the same as race but when I moved to the United States from Hungary at age 6, I didn't want my mom to pick me up from KinderCare because she only spoke Hungarian and it embarrassed me to be different from the other kids. It really hurt her and I still feel bad about it to this day realizing that I basically shunned my culture at age 6.
Incidentlly, my first best friend in the US was black (Kelly Brown, I wish I could find her, she rocked!). And to the article's point, my white parents also didn't discuss other race. The first black person I saw in my whole life was the passenger sitting next to me on the plane ride from Hungary to the US and when I asked my mom why he was black she didn't have an answer – he was really nice though, he played paper dolls with me for hours and tried to teach me a couple English words. I think that first experience shaped my view of other races more than what my parents told me (which was basically nothing)…I guess it really goes to show that actions are louder than words and people have the opportunity to teach and influence without necessarily trying.
I definitely think that racism is taught. With that said, I also think that children do not like to be different because it can be challenging with their peers. Not the same as race but when I moved to the United States from Hungary at age 6, I didn't want my mom to pick me up from KinderCare because she only spoke Hungarian and it embarrassed me to be different from the other kids. It really hurt her and I still feel bad about it to this day realizing that I basically shunned my culture at age 6.
Incidentlly, my first best friend in the US was black (Kelly Brown, I wish I could find her, she rocked!). And to the article's point, my white parents also didn't discuss other race. The first black person I saw in my whole life was the passenger sitting next to me on the plane ride from Hungary to the US and when I asked my mom why he was black she didn't have an answer – he was really nice though, he played paper dolls with me for hours and tried to teach me a couple English words. I think that first experience shaped my view of other races more than what my parents told me (which was basically nothing)…I guess it really goes to show that actions are louder than words and people have the opportunity to teach and influence without necessarily trying.
Wow, How exciting. This blog came to me right on time, thank you for have the courage to share so intimately. I am a Haitian/blk mother raising a bi-racial child on my own after a divorce. I’d planned on our unity and different cultural insights to be what gaged my well balance boy and that has not materialized. Raising a now eight years old to respect all colors and relate to multiplicity of his heritage in the world around us has turned me into an alarmist. The issue are many and the opportunity to creative the next waves of responsible citizenship is great. It’s the everyday stuff that is driving me crazy, like yesterday when my”high”yellow baby told a dark-skin child that she had a BIG nostril, when confronted he said that he had tried everything this girl was troublesome, that no one has been able to handle her abuse so he and three of his friends all white broke-down to teasing her and the issue of her nostril blurted out. I am disappointed to say the least, I’ve explained to him the power of words, how we are all beautiful;what the hell does this mean? how am I to address his esteem and ideals around the social bit? please comment I’d appreciate any input.
Sadly, I’ve no advice as my own daughter is much younger. I plan to point out the beauty of people with different features as she grows up. For ex. “So in so has a large nose. I love people with large noses. It’s such a great feature to have.” or “So in so has awesome dreadlocks” or “So and so has an amazing crooked smile — those are the best!” But we’ll see if the modeling sticks…