She Said/Then He Said: The Hairdresser Conundrum
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An advice blogumn by Andy Allen and Kalimba Bennett
Dear She Said/Then He Said,
What is a graceful way to shut down a conversation without appearing rude? I love my hair stylist, and don’t want to go through the trouble of finding another one. But she wants to talk—ABOUT NOTHING—for the whole hour. It’s exhausting and makes me want to smash my face in her cutting mirror. Pretending to read Radar Magazine does not deter her.
Help!
Sick of Small Talk
Austin, TX
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SHE said:
Dearest Sick of Small Talk,
I don’t know a soul that hasn’t encountered a Chatty Cathy in a hair salon. Doesn’t your hairdresser see the magazine you bury your head into the second she opens her blabber mouth? The truth is this – No, she doesn’t. And … she never will. She just loves talking too much and she doesn’t care if you like it or not.
Now, you can keep smiling and nodding while the voice inside your head is screaming “SHUT UP!!!!!” or you can try a technique I call Painful Honesty aka “saying what’s on your mind.”
The “pain” part is on your end because it’s often so hard to say the thing we are thinking. But PH doesn’t require rudeness it just requires expressing honestly what people might not want to hear. There’s a difference.
RUDE:
Stylist: What do you think about this Sarah Palin character?
You: I’m not paying you to spit in my hair, I’m paying you to cut it. Now, shut it and put those scissors to work, bitch!
Now Painful Honesty at its finest after the jump:
Stylist: What do you think about this Sarah Palin Character?
You: She’s … okay… listen, Cathy. I have —
Stylist: She needs a make-over.
You: Cathy, I’ve really been looking forward to coming here and having some quiet time. Would it be okay if I just read my magazine while you work your magic?
Even though Cathy will be agreeable, it will be awkward at first. Cathy will begin to wonder what her mouth is for if not for talking. That’s Cathy’s problem. You stick with it. You asked for what you wanted without putting ANY blame on her. That’s the key. In fact, you even included her in the decision making process and told her she’s a magic maker. Genius! Now Cathy feels like she’s gifting you your silence and you get to read your Radar in peace. Next time you’ll probably have to practice PH again…you know Cathy! But, it won’t hurt as bad because you’ve already set a precedence for asking for what you want.
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Then HE Said::
Dear Sick of Small Talk,
I have bad news for you. Expecting your hairdresser to be quiet throughout the duration of the hour you spend together each month is not acceptable to me.
You’re asking me to give you a non rude way to do a very rude thing. Why would you want to silence another human being? She is not a robot with two buttons on her, one labeled “conversation,” and the other labeled “no conversation,” depending on your mood. Your hairstylist is a human being, trying to get through her work day and performing a great service for you while she’s at it. As far as I know, a hairstylist who gets it just right, every time, is a hard thing to find. Also, she’s already at her job, so why make anything worse for her by asking her to conform to the way you would like her to be?
Enduring her shallow conversation is part of the price you have to pay both for having a great hairstylist and also for leaving your house and going out into a public place and interacting with another person. Human beings are not perfect. If you don’t want to deal with their imperfections, you’ll have to learn to cut your own hair.
I’m sorry, but I won’t assist you in finding a clever way to manipulate her into silence. If I were you, I would take a more active role in the conversations that you have with her and learn to steer them in directions that are more satisfying for you. You certainly have that right.
I think that if you do this, then one of two things will happen…
1) You will find yourself enjoying her company, or
2) it will become obvious to her that she is not compatible in conversation with the real you and she will engage you less in the future.
Kalimba, your hilarious! The “rude” conversation with the hairdresser reminds me of the Ally McBeal moments when she would visualize some crazy thing she wanted to do before she would actually respond with a very logical answer or comment. You don’t know how many of those types of moments I have! To Sick of Small Talk, my hairdresser talks non-stop as soon as my butt hits the chair, actually the whole salon does, but so do I so I don’t mind. Plus the conversations are always interesting. But if I were you, I’d follow Kalimba’s advice and try a little PH.
Kalimba, your hilarious! The “rude” conversation with the hairdresser reminds me of the Ally McBeal moments when she would visualize some crazy thing she wanted to do before she would actually respond with a very logical answer or comment. You don’t know how many of those types of moments I have! To Sick of Small Talk, my hairdresser talks non-stop as soon as my butt hits the chair, actually the whole salon does, but so do I so I don’t mind. Plus the conversations are always interesting. But if I were you, I’d follow Kalimba’s advice and try a little PH.
Now, this is funny, b/c I can’t BEAR talking to my hairdressers. I would actually pay extra for a robot hairdresser with an off button. However, Andy’s answer actually gave me a moment of pause. I wonder if I need to rethink my attitude. We pass up so many opportunities for human connection after a certain age. And this made me think that maybe I should put in more of an effort, have more consideration for the people I have to interact with — you know all that good stuff that they teach you as a kid, that I’ve seem to have forgotten.
I’m going to try your way the next time I go to the hairdresser, Andy. Then if it’s too excrutiating. I’ll go with PH
I have a super chatty hairdresser and I also hate it. However, I have to agree with Andy… she’s making me look good… why not just suck it up and tell her about all the crap that happened in my life the past few months. No, I would rather not have to regurgitate it AGAIN, but I do. I have to say that painful honesty would probably just hurt both of us in the end. I would seem like a cold and distant bitch (yes-even the “nice” one sounded that way) and I would then feel so guilty later for saying something that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the 5 minute head massage she gives me when she washes my hair….
I have a super chatty hairdresser and I also hate it. However, I have to agree with Andy… she’s making me look good… why not just suck it up and tell her about all the crap that happened in my life the past few months. No, I would rather not have to regurgitate it AGAIN, but I do. I have to say that painful honesty would probably just hurt both of us in the end. I would seem like a cold and distant bitch (yes-even the “nice” one sounded that way) and I would then feel so guilty later for saying something that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the 5 minute head massage she gives me when she washes my hair….
I can’t deal with mute hairdressers. Maybe it’s different for boys’ short haircut times, but for me it’s too awkward to bear.
I used to go to Rudy’s and I’d get a different hipster every time; my favorite one was this woman with blue hair who scowled her way through shearing me and then fluffed me up at the end and said, “There. Do ya feel pretty?” I don’t think I’d ever been asked that question before that day, but I’d certainly never been asked it with a subtext that screamed “fuck you.”
Of course at that place my version of the chatty hairdresser was the preppy twinky kid who recommended his herbalist because of the bad chi in my liver causing my receding hairline.
Now I go to a ladies’ salon in Toluca Lake and gab away about Bravo TV. She came to my play last year too!
I can’t deal with mute hairdressers. Maybe it’s different for boys’ short haircut times, but for me it’s too awkward to bear.
I used to go to Rudy’s and I’d get a different hipster every time; my favorite one was this woman with blue hair who scowled her way through shearing me and then fluffed me up at the end and said, “There. Do ya feel pretty?” I don’t think I’d ever been asked that question before that day, but I’d certainly never been asked it with a subtext that screamed “fuck you.”
Of course at that place my version of the chatty hairdresser was the preppy twinky kid who recommended his herbalist because of the bad chi in my liver causing my receding hairline.
Now I go to a ladies’ salon in Toluca Lake and gab away about Bravo TV. She came to my play last year too!
Wear your headphones to the salon – but wear cheap ones so when the stylist cuts the cord “accidentally” you don’t feel too bad.
Wear your headphones to the salon – but wear cheap ones so when the stylist cuts the cord “accidentally” you don’t feel too bad.
thank you kalimba for this graceful out. i shall write it in the margins of my magazine and, if i get up the nerve, mumble it to my stylist on the next visit.
andy, at the risk of making myself sound like even more of a misanthrope, i wonder if it you are understanding my conundrum. it’s not that i’m not interested in other people, or spontaneous conversations. but i’m dealing with the type of person who is fundamentally inane—she never laugh, instead she sort of purrs “tooooooooo funnnnnn-nnnny.” and then she talks about her boyfriend and then she asks me again about my weekend plans and then she says “too funny” and then she asks me again if i’m a vegetarian even though i’ve told her over and over that i live for the salami. surely this case calls for a little ph.
thank you kalimba for this graceful out. i shall write it in the margins of my magazine and, if i get up the nerve, mumble it to my stylist on the next visit.
andy, at the risk of making myself sound like even more of a misanthrope, i wonder if it you are understanding my conundrum. it’s not that i’m not interested in other people, or spontaneous conversations. but i’m dealing with the type of person who is fundamentally inane—she never laugh, instead she sort of purrs “tooooooooo funnnnnn-nnnny.” and then she talks about her boyfriend and then she asks me again about my weekend plans and then she says “too funny” and then she asks me again if i’m a vegetarian even though i’ve told her over and over that i live for the salami. surely this case calls for a little ph.
I wish you all the best with your situation, sick of small talk. Don’t be too hard on her for the vegetarian thing. I waited tables for years and some customers would be mildly offended when I couldn’t remember something they had told me during a previous visit. They didn’t realize that I had waited on 300 other tables since the last time I had seen them.
Wear kid gloves when you drop the PH on her. :) There are too many broken hearts in the world already.
I wish you all the best with your situation, sick of small talk. Don’t be too hard on her for the vegetarian thing. I waited tables for years and some customers would be mildly offended when I couldn’t remember something they had told me during a previous visit. They didn’t realize that I had waited on 300 other tables since the last time I had seen them.
Wear kid gloves when you drop the PH on her. :) There are too many broken hearts in the world already.