The Secret Life of a Nerd Girl: Married Exes
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A blogumn by Gudrun Cram-Drach
Snagged on a recent trip to Oregon. The subject is random, but the message is relevant.
Upon discovery that yet another ex-boyfriend was about to marry the girl he dated after me, a friend my mother’s age said in consolation, “don’t worry, you’ll hear from him again. All of my married exes called me in their late thirties. It’s what they do.”
Why?” I asked. “To cheat?”
“I think they miss the freedom that you somehow, by NOT being the girl they married, still represent. Your carefree relationship, your fun loving antics,” she replied.
“Ha. Right. Carefree. We were a laugh a minute, that’s why we broke up, we were having too much fun.”
But she insisted that while they change diapers and visit in-laws, their minds will wander to the other girls in their lives. The single girls. The girls who got away?
Well, I’m not quite in my late thirties yet, and I look forward to knowing whether my friend will be right. But this idea has gotten me thinking, if I represent one thing to those exes who have successfully moved on, what else do I represent?
When I started online dating a little over a year ago, I put in my preferences that I’d like to meet a fellow aged 35-45. I got a lot of replies from men aged 41 or older. They were ready to settle down. They wanted to start families. It wasn’t so much a case of them looking at my boobs instead of my eyes, but my uterus. The idea of searching in the early 40s range, for me, was to find a dapper James Purefoy or Jeremy Piven type, but apparently those types don’t online-date, so I reconfigured my preferences.
Then, on some talk show that shall remain nameless (remember I’m freelance), I heard a woman say she prefers to date divorced men, because they know what goes into a relationship and are obviously not afraid of commitment. So, in a way familiar to unsaid talk show, I “put-out-into-the-universe” that late thirties and divorced was my cup of tea, and the universe responded. Be careful what you wish for.
I think they liked me because I had never been married, I was still rather childlike and carefree (on first glance) and probably nothing like their ex-wives. Perhaps a bit bohemian like the illustrator Don Draper was seeing in the beginning of Mad Men. Some of these men were more mature, ready to start something real, but some of them were just happy to be single again. The fact that they were divorced didn’t make much of a difference, except about half of them had kids. It seemed more that being divorced is a natural byproduct of being in one’s late thirties, and that made me realize things had changed.
It’s like everyone went on a hike. They climbed the mountain, and somewhere above the tree-line, they all married each other. I was in grad school, in the cave under the mountain, playing with the dragon’s gold. The exit tunnel from the cave was on the far side of the mountain, and I emerged on their descent. So now I meet are those who married at the top, those who married then divorced at the top, those who started the hike but got lost along the way and are just finding the group again, or those who cut through the cave as well because they weren’t interested in running out of breath.
The people I meet these days are no longer simple, they carry packs, with maps, mess kits, and gorp. Some tote a sleeping bag to roll out under the stars, and others need a full pick-up truck’s load to set up a comfy camp. They are complex and adult and experienced, and I think that’s great, because maybe I’m a bit of that too. Occasionally I feel a pang of loss for a clichéd innocence, running-in-a-sunny-field and rolling-in-the-surf kind of carefree young love. But I don’t miss the ignorance and confusion that went with it, and I’m more content to deal with a complex vintage of man.
Great piece!
Great piece!
I thought I was the only one who had all her exs marry the next woman they dated. Happened to me SEVEN times.
I thought I was the only one who had all her exs marry the next woman they dated. Happened to me SEVEN times.
Gudrun, as someone who’s married to a divorced guy, I think your talk show audience member was right. But just like with any genre of man there are certain losers in the species.
I think it’s better if divorced guys had a short first marriage. I have no evidence other than a few stories from my friends and myself, but I really believe that.
I also think it’s important to have equal baggage levels. But baggage is weird in that you don’t really know how heavy it is until you get further into the relationship.
Unfortunately (?), its true lol Other than the stalker ex-fiance, I’m friends with all my exes lol and they do come back. The really mature ones on the verge of a new marriage (lol its pretty funny to get the ‘hey I’m getting married in a month/week/tomorrow’ call) or post-a first or second one (or more… plenty of under 40 guys are on #3) actually FREELY CONFESS you that you were why they got married. Some bumble their way thru this confession out of embarassment and pride. Its a strange compliment but it comes from a sincere place and its pretty humbling to have someone extol your fabness with (a) no ulterior motive and/or (b) confirm that your suspicions about the demise of your relationship had more to do with them being afraid of truly surrendering to ‘the one’ than you drooling in your sleep lol Its pretty disconcerting but after the first two it gets easier lol I’ve been blogging/journaling each experience so I really could go pn and on about this but um yeah the phenomena is real lol
Unfortunately (?), its true lol Other than the stalker ex-fiance, I’m friends with all my exes lol and they do come back. The really mature ones on the verge of a new marriage (lol its pretty funny to get the ‘hey I’m getting married in a month/week/tomorrow’ call) or post-a first or second one (or more… plenty of under 40 guys are on #3) actually FREELY CONFESS you that you were why they got married. Some bumble their way thru this confession out of embarassment and pride. Its a strange compliment but it comes from a sincere place and its pretty humbling to have someone extol your fabness with (a) no ulterior motive and/or (b) confirm that your suspicions about the demise of your relationship had more to do with them being afraid of truly surrendering to ‘the one’ than you drooling in your sleep lol Its pretty disconcerting but after the first two it gets easier lol I’ve been blogging/journaling each experience so I really could go pn and on about this but um yeah the phenomena is real lol
Friend, you just wrote something beautiful and true.
I love the mountain metaphor, and will steal it to use in conversations right away.
It’s fun to read your writing and hear your voice again.
Friend, you just wrote something beautiful and true.
I love the mountain metaphor, and will steal it to use in conversations right away.
It’s fun to read your writing and hear your voice again.
Ernessa, i am interested to know why you think the ones with a short first marriage are better.
As a someone who gets divorced after a 14 years long marriage, i’ll try to defend myself a bit ;)
Sometimes life can play you very bad jokes. When you climb that mountain you’re talking about Gudrun, you can take a lot of different ways, go through a lot of different things. It can be like getting into a very dark forest. That dark there is no more light around you. You just keep giving your hand to the one you love, squeezing it, not to lose yourselves and to support each other, trying to find your way out. Sometimes it’s just a short trip, and makes you closer to each other. But sometimes it takes forever to find your way out. And when you finally find it, and the sun shines again on your face and your life, you find the one you give your hand to has nothing to do with the one you met.
I think (and hope for myself) that doesn’t make you worst the one who just did a mistake and got married too quickly, or doesn’t make you a loser.
But i agree with one thing. Hopefully, and it will be my hope ;), everybody is different.
Oh, and i apologize to you all for my english, which needs some improvement… But i’m working on it :)
Ernessa, i am interested to know why you think the ones with a short first marriage are better.
As a someone who gets divorced after a 14 years long marriage, i’ll try to defend myself a bit ;)
Sometimes life can play you very bad jokes. When you climb that mountain you’re talking about Gudrun, you can take a lot of different ways, go through a lot of different things. It can be like getting into a very dark forest. That dark there is no more light around you. You just keep giving your hand to the one you love, squeezing it, not to lose yourselves and to support each other, trying to find your way out. Sometimes it’s just a short trip, and makes you closer to each other. But sometimes it takes forever to find your way out. And when you finally find it, and the sun shines again on your face and your life, you find the one you give your hand to has nothing to do with the one you met.
I think (and hope for myself) that doesn’t make you worst the one who just did a mistake and got married too quickly, or doesn’t make you a loser.
But i agree with one thing. Hopefully, and it will be my hope ;), everybody is different.
Oh, and i apologize to you all for my english, which needs some improvement… But i’m working on it :)
very eloquent, matt. and another kickass piece, gu!
i am happy to see the rock photo and think it ties in wonderfully with this week’s musings.
very eloquent, matt. and another kickass piece, gu!
i am happy to see the rock photo and think it ties in wonderfully with this week’s musings.
Hey Matt. The reason I say that, is that as a single person, if you’re looking for someone low drama with matching amounts of baggage, then I’ve found that a short first marriage is the best. Of course, I’m only basing this on 3 or 4 anecdotes, so there’s a huge chance that I’m wrong.
I don’t think people have to be exactly the same to get married, but I do think it’s good if they have matching mountain top experiences.
Also, from what I understand, it takes a huge amount of time to get over a long marriage, and relationships are hard in the first, so you know, less mess, if the person you are dating had a short marriage.
I don’t think this is a judgment on people that have had long marriages. I understand that people change and grow apart and often split. And I think that everyone should be brave and take another chance on love no matter what happens.
Stop talking so much and put in the work – no one is perfect. When you think you should jump – stop and put in the work.
Stop talking so much and put in the work – no one is perfect. When you think you should jump – stop and put in the work.
Gudrun, I followed the link on yr facebook page… so glad to “hear” your voice…a catching up of sorts. Not the sort I wish for though… I’d so much rather make dinner together and do some damage to a bottle or two of the grape… you sound good. Miss you too much.
Gudrun, I followed the link on yr facebook page… so glad to “hear” your voice…a catching up of sorts. Not the sort I wish for though… I’d so much rather make dinner together and do some damage to a bottle or two of the grape… you sound good. Miss you too much.
I have two… TWO exes that are married now!! And I haven’t even had that many boyfriends. It’s oddly funny, but I’m ridiculously happy for both of them. And I’ve got an almost hubby of my own :-)
I have two… TWO exes that are married now!! And I haven’t even had that many boyfriends. It’s oddly funny, but I’m ridiculously happy for both of them. And I’ve got an almost hubby of my own :-)