Redheaded Stepchild: The Bubble Bursts
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A blogumn by Redheaded Stepchild
I recently read an interview with hot lesbian host Rachel Maddow in which she said that she sometimes forgets that she and her partner were gay.
I don’t.
Maybe it’s easier to forget when you commute between the West Village and western Mass., two areas notoriously friendly to Teh Gayz. Or maybe Maddow was just talking about how easy it is to feel normal and to forget that other folks don’t quite see you the same way. That, in fact, some folks may find you repellant or unnatural or simply feel unease when you’re around, due to something as incidental as your sexuality.
I can understand that. Both BPD and I try to focus on the positive in our lives. We have a happy, loving relationship that we’re both proud of, surrounded by friends we adore, and family members who are trying really hard to support us even when it’s ideologically difficult for them. Why focus on the homophobes when we can focus on The Fabulous? Why make ourselves miserable?
Why focus on anti-gay laws when the election two weeks ago gave us the gift of Obamas in the White House? Obama’s election was like a national holiday in our house. We were so high in our Obama haze that both of us kept crying for days after he was elected. We were overwhelmed. We were thrilled. “Hey,” we whispered to each other, “maybe our biracial lovechild can be president some day, too!”
I didn’t want those anti-gay laws to trample on my joy, not when there was so much to be hopeful about.
Then my bubble burst.
It’s a strange thing to be ambivalently participating in an institution while folks around the country are fighting to keep you from it. I’m not hesitant about BPD: I’m deeply in love with her and want to be with her for the rest of my life.
But I was ambivalent about the concept of marriage, and I was particularly put off by the thought of a wedding ceremony. Marriage, to me, meant two kids and a house in the suburbs: not a bad life for folks who like stability, but death for someone who thrives on change. Marriage meant stagnation, lack of movement, lack of growth.
Weddings, as I’ve said before, were obligatory, joyless chores.
So when gay marriage became a focal point of the fight for gay rights, I stayed out of the fray. Not that I wasn’t supportive of the LGBT being granted rights; I just didn’t have a personal investment in this particular
battle.
My perspective has, naturally, shifted. I worry about what could happen if one of us got sick in another state, like poor Janice Langbehn and her partner. (LGBT people, please fill out your Health Care Proxy forms).
The fight for gay marriage now has a very real impact on my life.
I’ll still focus on the positive. But I can’t forget just how endangered my legal rights with my partner are. Even for awesome Rachel Maddow.
You know that I love Doctor Maddow but sometimes she and I disagree.
I never forget that we are in a lesbian relationship. And frankly, just when I think that our fabulousness trumps all, the fact of other people's idiocy and bigotry gets thrown in my face.
You know, for quite a long while I didn't know that it WASN'T legal (in most states) for gays to marry. I just assumed that it was a basic human right. As a child I thought that Bert and Ernie were married and that it was right because they loved each other.
What's most frustrating about measures like Prop 8 is the fact that people were led to believe that if they didn't FIGHT it their religious rights (the right of their churches to abstain from marrying gays) would be infringed upon. And in doing so, they infringed upon the rights of their tax-paying neighbors. I don't understand people who "have gay friends" who voted to disenfranchise them. I don't understand parents who voted to deny the legitimacy of their children's families and relationships. I don't understand why people who "want to protect marriage" aren't lobbying against the policy that allows divorce or the policy that allows children as young as 14 (in some states) to marry. I don't understand why people who want to protect marriage don't do all that they can do to make sure that their relationship with their partners are secure through couple's therapy or through, I dunno, fidelity, as opposed to telling me that my relationship over here is a threat to theirs over there.
However, I remain comforted my Melissa Harris-Lacewell's astute observations about social progress and marriage equality on one of the fabulous Dr. Maddow's post election day shows.
You know that I love Doctor Maddow but sometimes she and I disagree.
I never forget that we are in a lesbian relationship. And frankly, just when I think that our fabulousness trumps all, the fact of other people's idiocy and bigotry gets thrown in my face.
You know, for quite a long while I didn't know that it WASN'T legal (in most states) for gays to marry. I just assumed that it was a basic human right. As a child I thought that Bert and Ernie were married and that it was right because they loved each other.
What's most frustrating about measures like Prop 8 is the fact that people were led to believe that if they didn't FIGHT it their religious rights (the right of their churches to abstain from marrying gays) would be infringed upon. And in doing so, they infringed upon the rights of their tax-paying neighbors. I don't understand people who "have gay friends" who voted to disenfranchise them. I don't understand parents who voted to deny the legitimacy of their children's families and relationships. I don't understand why people who "want to protect marriage" aren't lobbying against the policy that allows divorce or the policy that allows children as young as 14 (in some states) to marry. I don't understand why people who want to protect marriage don't do all that they can do to make sure that their relationship with their partners are secure through couple's therapy or through, I dunno, fidelity, as opposed to telling me that my relationship over here is a threat to theirs over there.
However, I remain comforted my Melissa Harris-Lacewell's astute observations about social progress and marriage equality on one of the fabulous Dr. Maddow's post election day shows.
I think there is something in American nature that always needs for at least one group to be at the bottom. And when we evolve past this, I'm concerned for the next group of people we will try to hold down.Will it be the poors or immigrants or the olds? Who knows?I also don't believe in curved classes — if everyone does well, why can't we all have A's? But I think there's something in the American ethos that just demands competition no matter who it hurts. We just have to feel like we are better than someone else.Unfortunately, I doubt that most Americans would be willing to engage in the introspection it takes to reverse their thinking.But I think if more of us focused our competitive spirit inward as opposed to outward, we'd be a happier nation. With that in mind I'm going to stop procrastinating and go work on my novel now. :)Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
I think there is something in American nature that always needs for at least one group to be at the bottom. And when we evolve past this, I'm concerned for the next group of people we will try to hold down.
Will it be the poors or immigrants or the olds? Who knows?
I also don't believe in curved classes — if everyone does well, why can't we all have A's? But I think there's something in the American ethos that just demands competition no matter who it hurts. We just have to feel like we are better than someone else.
Unfortunately, I doubt that most Americans would be willing to engage in the introspection it takes to reverse their thinking.
But I think if more of us focused our competitive spirit inward as opposed to outward, we'd be a happier nation. With that in mind I'm going to stop procrastinating and go work on my novel now. :)
Bored? Check out http://www.fierceandnerdy.com
George Orwell famously pointed out in 1984 that "the war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact."
George Orwell famously pointed out in 1984 that "the war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact."
Incidentally, Gavin Newsom was interviewed by Andersoon Cooper this weekend and he made some very valid points – namely that it's dangerous to subject each & every court decision to a subsequent majority vote. By this logic, we are undoing everything that the courts do.
Incidentally, Gavin Newsom was interviewed by Andersoon Cooper this weekend and he made some very valid points – namely that it's dangerous to subject each & every court decision to a subsequent majority vote. By this logic, we are undoing everything that the courts do.