A Cheatee’s Dilemma [Frankie Says...] Sep08

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A Cheatee’s Dilemma [Frankie Says...]

Frankie asks

What is in for the cheatee?

So I’m still feeling out my blogging skills and testing out my format, and I’ve done some thinking… I’m not right all the time. In fact, that’s just what my post was about a few weeks ago. So, in that vein of honesty and self-awareness (which I have a ton of), I’ll occasionally be using the format of the above question, ‘Frankie asks…’ instead of ‘Frankie says…’

Back to the subject at hand…Frankie Asks…

A few weeks ago, I found myself at a seedy hotel bar in a sexy situation. An old fling from high school – if I can even call him that – was in town on business. This boy, now a man, had had a crush on me from the first day of school when I began as a sophomore. He relentlessly pursued me for the next three years, and every holiday after that when we’d run into each other.

And I, usually the type to go for it, always said no. We became friends throughout our high school years, running in the same circles, making out with each other’s friends. But never each other. A decade later, this man and I were exchanging battle scars from our early 20s and catching up on the last few years we hadn’t spoken.

He was doing very well for himself. Even had a live-in girlfriend for the last two years. I got to tell him how well I was doing and it felt good to be adults and share our successes. Then it happened…

What I saw wasn’t the silly boy who’d crushed on me for so long. Instead, before me was a man, strong, confident, successful, capable of loving a woman (as the girlfriend stands testament to) and taking care of her. I was hit. I wanted him. I couldn’t believe I’d said no all these years and at the same time it seemed only fitting that I’d be here…now…falling for him for the first time. (That one time in his mother’s van doesn’t count.)

So I’ve really gone and fucked up now. My pattern of seeking out emotionally unavailable men has crossed over to new heights of unavailability. Why do I want him now? Why, when he lives across the country with a girlfriend, do I see the attractive side of him? I am sadomasochistic, that’s why. I find a guy who I know I cannot possibly have, and then when I don’t get him I get to say, ‘See, I can’t get a guy.’ Professional help at this point would be highly advisable.

But still, after a weekend spent with him, after what was only an innocent meet up for drinks, I’m thinking about him… wondering if he’s thinking about me. What is in that for me, the cheatee?? He gets to go back to the woman he (allegedly) loves, after conquering the always illusive me. I just get to go back to my pathetic dating life of finding unavailable men.

Or…or, he’s seen the light and knows that we were always meant for each other.

Shit. I’ve been living in Hollywood too long…

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featured image credit: canonsnapper