Accentuating Neuroses (aka Accentalize This!) [Single White Nerd]
Ladies, do you like a man with an accent? I bet you do! Then today’s blog is for you. Today, we introduce an exciting new concept in Dating Technology: The Accentalizer! Like The Litmus Test, but more effective, this revolutionary new Neurosis Detection System can save time, emotional hardship, and the crippling uncertainty that comes with wondering if it’s YOU or if it’s HIM. Here’s the skinny:
Yesterday, I had lunch with one of my most favoritest people. She’s intelligent, accomplished, tall, attractive, stylish, athletic, cleans up well, ever so slightly crazy. Everything you could want in a woman. Recently, she found herself wanting to engage in a purely sexual relationship with a strapping gentleman. It started off well–they had a great evening of Adult Fun. So great that she called me on the phone humming with excitement. “Michael,” she exulted, “I have a booty call. It’s so EXCITING.” I congratulated her and she went back to having super fun sexy time. Or so I thought.
Apparently, after their first encounter, the gentleman became somewhat unresponsive to her calls and texts. Not entirely unresponsive. He would eventually return messages via text, letting her know that he was too busy to meet up. Once in a while, he would simply say that he’d prefer to stay home and watch a movie than go over to indulge in a carnival of carnal cavorting. This naturally made my friend feel a bit out of sorts. Or, as she eloquently put it, “What the fuck?”
I delved into the mystery with gusto. I asked about their history, how long it had been since they had seen each other, anything that might indicate inconvenient emotional over-involvement (a sure deterrent to a booty call relationship) on either part. No obvious answers presented themselves. Finally, almost by accident, my friend stumbled on to the answer.
“He seems pretty self aware,” she said, “Like when we were considering dating instead of just hooking up, he said that sometimes it felt like he was up on a rock watching me swim in the ocean. And he wanted to swim with me, but the most he could do was take off his shirt and maybe dip his toe into the water. He couldn’t go in the water, though, because he was afraid of drowning.”
I looked at my friend. My intelligent friend. My friend whom I have known for over 30 years. My friend who had apparently been trying to have a friends with benefits relationship with a total neurotic mess. “Wow,” I said, “Ummm. Sounds like he might be a little neurotic and, you know, I mean, I said stuff like that when I was 19.”
Her eyes went wide. She hadn’t even considered it. Which seemed odd. Then it hit me: “Does he have an accent?”
“So he sounds a bit like. . .”
AHA! Here’s the thing, friends: Accents can cover even the most obvious neurotic traits with a patina of romance. Which is where The Accentalizer comes in.
Next time you find yourself dating an accented fella and it starts to go a bit pear shaped, replay past conversations in your mind. Analyze them to see if he has, in fact, actually already told you why he’s behaving not-so-well. Chances are that he has and that you, swept away on waves of liltacious accent, disregarded it.
The Accentalizer works by filtering exotically accented speech through a neuroticizing filter. Let’s take my friend’s situation. Here is how the gentleman’s speech may have sounded initially:
And here is what it sounds like when fed through The Accentalizer:
Same words. But quite different, no? You might tolerate the first. But the second? Thus do we see the power of the accent.
It could not be more obvious. Granted, Accentalizer Technology is not a magic bullet, it can’t solve every relationship question. But if you happen to be dating (or just bonking) an accented fella, give it shot. Because it’s probably not you, it’s him. Good luck out there!
Note: The creator of Accentalizer is not himself accented and entirely owns his neuroses. He does, however, like to swim in the ocean.
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featured image credit: Mr. T in DC