Ask Dr. Miro: Travel & Jealousy [What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

I LOVE to travel. My boyfriend can never go. He makes me feel bad whenever I want to go away. Then I get resentful of being stuck to his schedule and bank account. He accuses me of cheating on him when I do go away so the whole thing becomes really annoying. I’d love to do phone sex and video chats but I get really embarrassed and don’t know how to bring it up and he never mentions it. Plus it’s kind of hard to feel sexy when you are getting accused of being unfaithful – especially when you aren’t! I want a healthy balance, but how?

Sincerely,

Frustrated in Paradise

Dear FIP,

The easy answer is to dump him and move on. Find a man who can travel, trust and grow with you. Forget about this pettiness and enjoy life! But real life is not filled with easy answers. Things get much messier when you are an actual human and not merely a question in an advice column. These are much deeper issues than your boyfriend not traveling with you. There is that whole lack of faith thing, involving accusations, insecurities and inappropriate lashing out. Remember, no one is “making” you feel bad. You are allowing this behavior to continue, as well as these moods. If he is attacking you about indiscretions that do not exist, instead of getting defensive, take a deep breath and ask him where these feelings are coming from. Tell your BF that you understand how he may feel these things but reassure him that this is his mind running wild. It is NOT your reality. I have a feeling he is more upset by his inability to join you on your escapades – which in turn creates feelings of inadequacy within him. A side note: it is pretty standard for Cheaters to accuse others of exactly what they are doing behind their partners’ backs although, that is not a hard and fast rule.

Try not to get too upset when he throws these things on you. Understand they are HIS issues. Try to deflect them. Of course, this may be more than you are willing to put up with. It certainly is not fun to feel like every vacation you embark on will be destroyed by a jealous lover.

About the phone sex and video chatting… Bring this up when you are getting along. If you know you have a trip planned, talk about how much it would mean to you. Let your Stay At Home Guy understand the degree to which you desire this connection WITH HIM, that you are so shy about. Remind him how important his encouragement and support is to you, in your life together. Develop a code word for when you want to get all sexy so you do not have that pressure of bringing it up and being rejected or feeling lame.

If you both believe your relationship is worth working on, have patience while de-tangling all these dysfunctional, pre-approved methods the two of you have been participating in. Sometimes the end does justify the means. But the key is that you both need to find this a priority, in the present tense. If not, cut your losses now.

Lust & Happiness,

Dr. Miro

featured image credit: Fu Man Jew