Are Israeli Contractors Worse than Flying Sharks? Discuss. [California Seething]

I really meant to write about my bathroom renovation this week – offering witty insights and wise advice to anyone brave and foolish enough to trust an Israeli contractor with their money and a wet saw. Something other home owners could read, relate to and maybe even learn a little something from. But then I figured, fuck it, I’ll just write about Sharknado which, I think we all agree, is the finest LA movie since Chinatown. Maybe even better – as we can see from the comparison below:   Sharknado Chinatown Flying Sharks Yes No Ian Ziering Yes No Chainsaw Yes No Complex and thought provoking noir tale of rapacious greed,...

I Live My Life One Quarter Mile Walk at a Time – The One Summer Movie I Actually Bothered to S...

Oh, to be Vin Diesel! Oh, to be a Big, Bald, American Male who Drives FAST, Kicks ASS and Speaks only in APH…orisms. OK, so, sure if you take my BMI, Passport and Genitalia’s word for it – I am, strictly speaking, a Big American Male. Incidentally – any connection between the words “Big” and “my genitalia” is strictly coincidental or intended for entertainment purposes only.  I mean, come on – a big hairy Jew with an itty-bitty pecker – now that’s comedy! It’s like an angry purple mushroom poking out of the undergrowth or a Smurf’s house in Gargamel’s forest.  You may not know this, by the way, but Gargamel and...

Making Theatre is Kind of A Dumb Thing To Do [California Seething]

Author’s Note: I know I promised to reveal my pick for “”The One Summer Movie I Dragged My Ass Out to See” – but, sadly, the demands of my so called “real job” have prevented me from doing any real meaningful Seething. That is to say, any meaningful...

How to Write a Summer Movie Preview Without Even Trying [California Seething]

Look, if you’re a fairly intelligent person, it’s not that impressive to be an A student. I mean, big deal, all you’ve got to do is study all the time and work really, really hard. Easy. I’ve never been all that impressed by A students. In fact, there’s a name for those poor saps who studied all the time in college while I was out having the time of my life. It starts with SUC and I bet you can guess what the rest is. That’s right – SUCcessful doctors and lawyers. CRAP! I ruined my life. Alright, so, aside from the substantially improved likelihood of wealth, success, prestige, respectability and the sort of job where, when you wear a...

The Big Seethe [California Seething]

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city. I’ve been reading Raymond Chandler recently and he’s inspired me to try and better describe L.A. This is much better than what happened when I first read Raymond Chandler in Middle School and he inspired me to become a Private Detective. And by, “become a Private Detective” what I really mean is open up my own Encyclopedia Brown-style detective agency in the backyard of my parents’ house. Turns out, though, that much like Free to Be You and Me and the Bible, the Encyclopedia Brown books had some very misleading ideas about life and the backyard of a...

Seething in Seattle [California Seething]

So, last week I left the comfy, drought-ridden, hazy and slightly scorched confines of my Los Angeles home for the moist, green landscape and bright clean air of Seattle and other random bits of Washington State. Now, you probably think I heart Seattle. Or looove it. Or lurve it. Lurve – is that a thing? Do the kids say “lurve”? Are the kids that dumb? I mean, I know they’re dumb cause they’re The Kids and the whole purpose of the next generation is for them to be dumber than we were so we don’t feel so bad about ourselves for getting old and not understanding their music or clothes or YouTube videos or the Instagram GET OFF MY LAWN!...

Nobody Could Possibly Have This Much to Say (I Don’t Mean Me- I’m Talking About SportsCenter) [Calif...

Real Grown-Ups watch the news in the morning. They eat their bran cereal and take their multivitamins and shake their heads gravely as blandly attractive idiots on TV tell them with a smile that the world is a violent horrible mess, but the weather at the beach will be great this weekend! (the UV Index will be high in the Valley, though, so parents, keep you kids inside! Protect them from the dangers of sunlight, peanuts, germs and human contact, and make sure they grow up to be safe, healthy sociopaths. I shouldn’t single out parents, though. We’re all responsible for the next generation; it takes a village to alienate a school shooter.)...

A Tale of Two Cities That Both Kind of Suck [California Seething] Apr22

A Tale of Two Cities That Both Kind of Suck [California Seething]

New Introduction- April 22, 2013 (you can also just read this part. I won’t be hurt. I swear. You bastard.) This past weekend. the NBA Playoffs started off with a bang! By which I don’t mean that there was a horrible terrorist attack during a playoff game but rather that there were a...

If You Want Your Life to Mean Something- Don’t Watch THE FOLLOWI...

OK- I’ve got a question for you: Do you watch The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon? If you answered “yes” – then I’ve got a follow up question: What is the absolute worst show that you currently watch on television? If you didn’t answer “Why, The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon,...

Obama’s Guide to Passover. You’re Welcome. [California See...

This past week, Obama took his first ever trip to Israel and, in order to ensure that he never, ever, ever wants to come back, the King David Hotel in Jerusalem made him keep Kosher for Passover even though the holiday doesn’t officially start til today. This was partially because the...

Late, Loud and Unacceptably Dressed: My Unlikley Love Affair with Down...

Aaah, Downton Abbey and me. A love story no Netflix algorithm could have predicted. For one thing, I hate the rich. From Mitt Romney to Ritchie Rich and every Kardashian in between- they can all go fuck off and die and not leave me anything cause they’re bastards and don’t know me so I hate...

From Oscar Pistorius to Oscar Night- Beware the Disappointments of Feb...

Look, we all know the world is a disappointing place. Sure, we wish that we lived in a world where the sun shines all the time (but not because of global warming), our favorite teams always win and Oscar Pistorius doesn’t murder his girlfriend, but that just ain’t the case. The fact is, we...

They May Be First World Problems- but They’re MY First World Problems ...

Let’s keep it real- I don’t have any problems. Not really. I’m not a Haitian earthquake survivor still struggling to rebuild or a Somalian child born into a world of famine and strife or the (former) Head Electrician of the New Orleans Superdome who painstakingly rebuilt his life after...

Football IS America and I Don’t Mean That As a Compliment [Calif...

Baltimore and San Francisco: Two great American cities that ordinarily could give a shit about each other.  Seriously, the only time they ever even get mentioned in the same sentence is when I say “Well, I could go to Baltimore to visit my sister and her family and stay in a house full of...

Ahh, Beverly Hills 90210- Why am I So Nostalgic for Things that Suck? ...

The 25th anniversary of Prozac, the 10th anniversary of the Paris Hilton sex tape, the 20th anniversary of Doggystyle- these are just some of the utterly meaningless milestones that we’ll be forced to commemorate in 2013 by media outlets dedicated to churning out as much content as possible...

If This is the Most Wonderful Time, I’d Hate to See the Rest of ...

You probably think I hate the holidays. That I hide myself in my room like Scrooge with a cold bowl of gruel emerging only to scoff at the goodly hearted, sneer at the holly-jolly and pee out the window on orphans. You know, like Scrooge did. Or maybe you’re not familiar with the German...

Nate Silver and My Wife Are Always Right [California Seething]

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a month since Obama’s re-election. With the bitterness and divisiveness of the election, the past month was a time for coming together in America. After all, Obama is happily ensconced in the White House for four more years and America’s glorious...

Holiday Update: I Ruined Thanksgiving and My Dog Smells Like Cheese &#...

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Just in case you think your Thanksgiving is going poorly, here’s a re-run of Eric Sim’s Thanksgiving 2011. Our Thanksgiving dinner this year was supposed to be low maintenance and effortless which, as a card-carrying member of the flannel and apathy...

The World’s Worst Adult Gets All Serious and Sh*t [California Se...

Just because I hate all of the things that stupid young people like, you might think I make a pretty good Adult. Well first of all, let me set the record straight, I don’t actually hate all the things that stupid young people like. I mean, hello? Gangnam Style? I love that song HEYYYYY, SEXY...

I Seem to be Having Technical Difficulties…With Life [California...

Now that I’m officially over 40, it’s easy to blame my age for the fact that I’m totally out of touch with movies, music, television, fashion, food, fragrances, technology, culture, comic books, candy and internet memes (BTW- I love being over the hill. Going downhill is so much easier on the...

From Antiques Roadshow to Auction Hunters: The Sad Evolution of Garage...

In more prosperous times, we watched Antiques Roadshow. We sighed an involuntary “awwww” as a dear, sweet old woman from Peoria with pink cheeks and hair like a fluffy white cloud of cotton candy, showed off the sturdy wooden chair that had been in her family for generations with...

Everyone is Older and Everything is Worse. Another Damn Trip to Albany...

Some trips are all about the journey. Other trips are all about the destination. Then, there are those trips that are all about coming home and kissing the floor because you’re so fucking happy to be back that you don’t care how much dog hair sticks to your lips. Last weekend I went to Albany...

“We Own This Country” – A Glimpse into Hell at the R...

The crazy thing about Republicans at the RNC is that they look almost like human beings. How weird is that? I mean, sure, with their red ties, stupid hats and piggy little eyes that shine with greed and fear they look like an army of angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Men but still, they’re mostly...

Fall TV Preview: 1979 is Gonna Be a Great Year! [California Seething]

September is a very exciting month for television. In the coming weeks, the major networks will launch dozens of new comedies, dramas and reality shows to be viewed and dissected by dozens of self-appointed media critics around the country. Since I’m not gonna watch any of that horseshit,...

Olympic Viewing Wrap Up- Do I Hate NBC more than China? [California Se...

Individuality. A healthy upbringing with a loving family. A well rounded education. Countless free hours of playing with friends. These are just some of the things that will win you jack shit as an Olympic gymnast. Olympic gymnasts should be raised in a box like veal – separated from...

Murder, I Wrote About [California Seething][Best of FaN]

I chose this post because I knew that if I didn’t, Ernessa would murder me with an ice-pick. And then Jessica Fletcher would have to solve the case of who murdered me with an ice pick, and Angela Lansbury is too old for that shit. So here you go- enjoy! Let’s say you killed Guy Fieri...

The Angriest Man in the Happiest Place on Earth [California Seething]

There’s nothing particularly happy about the Anaheim train station. It’s a tiny little depot in the parking lot of Angels’ stadium with a couple of tired vending machines, concrete benches and one small ticket window. There’s also a sign on the door that reads “Station may be closed at points...

I Can’t Drive 55! (or at all) – [California Seething]

Recently, the Expo Line opened from Downtown LA to Culver City. In the next few years, this new subway line will be extended all the way to the beach in Santa Monica. This is a very exciting development. Finally, 21st Century Los Angeles will have a mass transit system that can compete with...

Holy Crap Y’all- The New Dallas Doesn’t Suck- [California ...

In the fall of 1980, I was living in Arad, Israel- a very small town in a very small country a world away from Westchester County, New York where I was born. I was there because around the time that Star Wars came out (and it’s not Star Wars Episode IV or Star Wars: A New Hope, it’s just...

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate the Lakers [California Seething] May21

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate the Lakers [California Seethin...

Editors Note: Eric broke his computer with a particularly scathing California Seething this week. So, we’re re-running his popular column, from May of 2011, on Laker hating. We strongly believe that they made the play-offs this year primarily as a response to this piece. The rantings of...

4/20- An Elegy [California Seething]

NOTE: This post is intended for medicinal purposes only. Even though I know a thing or two about dramatic structure, I don’t consider myself a playwright- just like I don’t consider myself a licensed plumber even though I’ve unclogged hundreds of toilets over the course of my illustrious...

Level vs Flat: The Revenge – Continuing Adventures in Home Impro...

You’ve probably seen the commercial. A pretty young woman wakes up in her young person’s cheaply-decorated apartment bedroom. She smiles, stretches and leaps from the edge of the bed and in one effortless motion she pulls off an unsightly lighting fixture from the ceiling and reveals the...

Is Tim Tebow Ruining My Life? Yes. [California Seething]

OK, so, first, I’d like to apologize to the City of New York, to Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and Joe Namath. Most of all, I’d like to apologize to my grandfather. Why? Well, On March 12, 2012 I wrote “Fuck you Karma- Come and get me!” On March 23, 2012 the New York Jets got Tim Tebow from the...

This is Probably a Terrible Book Review [California Seething]

When I want to sound cool and mysterious, I say I was raised in the desert. When I want to explain why I’m loud, stubborn, cynical, opinionated, dramatic, charming (in an overbearing sort of way), and obsessed with protecting my territory and feeding everybody hummus, I say I was raised in...

Report on the Economy: Does Being Rich Make You an A-Hole? [California...

Everything I need to know about Economics I learned flying First Class last week. #1: There was one bathroom at the front of the plane for the exclusive use of the 8 First Class passengers sitting in Rows A & B. #2: There were two bathrooms at the rear of the plane to be shared by the...

Turkey Bacon, Home Repair and Other Crap I’m Desperately Trying ...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city Look, I’ll admit it. This week’s blog post is kicking my ass. Mostly, that’s because the beautiful, intelligent, creative and fabulous editors of Fierce & Nerdy decided they fucking hate me this week so...

Hey Kids, Let’s All Get Depressed About Turning 40! [California ...

The weekend between the NFL Conference Championship games and the Superbowl is a bad one for football but a great one for soul searching. I love football and I fucking hate soul searching. As far as I’m concerned, soul searching is like cleaning out the produce drawer in the fridge; I know...

Tonight We Are All Massholes. My Very Brief Stint as a Patriots Fan. [...

Voting for Obama is 2008 was kind of amazing for me since it was one of the few times in my life I actually voted for someone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been voting for over 20 years. I voted against George Bush in ’92 and looked on with glee as he was defeated by Clinton and I voted against...

Happy Thanksgiving! Gratitude is Overrated [California Seething]

This Thursday we will celebrate Thanksgiving, or as the Native Americans call it “I can’t believe we gave those fuckin’ crackers turkey. What a bunch of schnooks we were.”  If you squint a little bit, you know, just enough so that you can’t really see all the truly terrible shit that happened...

Just When I Thought I Was Out (of Albany) They Pull Me Back In. [Calif...

If you were to go back in time and tell some poor schmuck schlepping across the country in a covered wagon that in a century’s time he’d be able to make the same journey in a matter of hours in an enormous metal flying machine, he’d probably be shocked and amazed. He’d...

The Only Thing Worse Than Making Theatre is Not Making Theatre [Califo...

The trouble with addiction isn’t that it’s expensive. It’s not that addiction is self destructive, all consuming and extremely harmful to family and friends. No, the trouble with addiction is that it’s fun. I mean, don’t get me wrong- it’s not fun watching your teeth rot or selling your...

Getting High for the High Holidays and Other Helpful Hints [California...

The Ancient Greeks didn’t worry about whether God loved them. They didn’t wring their hands over the fact that God allowed evil to thrive in the world and didn’t struggle with the way that God permitted the righteous to suffer while the wicked prospered. That’s because, in Ancient Greece, the...

I’ve Been Living in LA Almost 10 Years. Am I Now Officially a Doucheba...

I left New York City about two weeks after Sept 11, 2001. At the time, I felt like a bit of a heel (for those that don’t speak Noir- a heel is worse than a cad but better than a crum-bum.) After all, the entire nation was weeping and praying and sending their love to New York and I was all...

I’m the Deputy Commissioner of Civil Marriages- Who the Hell Are...

For a brief period of time in college, I considered becoming a Rabbi. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not particularly religious- I was just fascinated by the role that ritual could play in heightening particular moments in a person’s life and the way in which our collective need for the infinite...

August – You Bastard – You Killed Jerry Garcia and Made My...

Jerry Garcia died the day I left Albany for good, August 9, 1995. In an apparent murder-suicide, he took my childhood with him. (NOTE TO MILLENNIAL FUCKWADS: I don’t want to hear how old you were in 1995. Whether you were in Middle School, Elementary School or Diapers, I don’t want to know...

Summer Movie Wrap Up – I Didn’t See Any – You Can’t Make Me [California Seething] Aug15

Summer Movie Wrap Up – I Didn’t See Any – You Can...

If you ask me, I blame the Prius. Recently, a big name celebrity came to see a show at the theatre where I work. For security and convenience reasons, we allowed him to park in the loading zone in front of the theatre rather than the slightly farther Peon Lot. Since this isn’t exactly legal,...

Carmageddon – Hell Yeah! Or How I Spent My Summer Staycation [California Seething] Jul18

Carmageddon – Hell Yeah! Or How I Spent My Summer Staycation [Californ...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city For the second time this year, Southern California dodged the apocalypse. The first time, back in May when the Rapture didn’t come, was kind of a let-down since it would have been a great chance to get rid...

Seething Las Vegas: California Seething [BEST OF FaN]

While reviewing my posts from the past year in an effort to find my favorite, I discovered two important things about myself: I am an angry, hateful and occasionally deeply unpleasant person to be around. I had a great time in Vegas this year! So- here’s my personal favorite post of the past...

Book Club for Dudes: California Seething [BOOK WEEK]

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city Let’s get one thing straight right now, I’m not a Woman trapped in a Man’s body. I’m not even a Particularly Well Groomed Man trapped in the body of a Slovenly Oaf. I am simply as I appear — an...

The Unbearable Lightness of Being A Dog [California Seething] Jun06

The Unbearable Lightness of Being A Dog [California Seething]

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city I try not to be offended when people are surprised when I tell them that I have a dog. Look, I know me. I realize that I’m a big, loud, unpredictable drama queen whose random fits of rage over minutia have...

It’s (Not) The End Of the World As We Know It- And I Feel…Meh [California Seething] May23

It’s (Not) The End Of the World As We Know It- And I Feel…Meh [Califor...

On May 21, 2011, the world once again failed to end. Honestly, I’m fine with that. It’s the kids I feel bad for. This was their first big apocalypse, they’re not used to disappointment. They don’t remember the purple sneakers of Heaven’s Gate (Little known fact: Ishtar was the second choice...

Wandering in the Desert – Passover in Albuquerque [California Seething] Apr25

Wandering in the Desert – Passover in Albuquerque [California Se...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city It takes a special kind of asshole to scream on the phone to a total stranger: “Fuck the Air Force, lady- we had a contract.” On April 11, 2011 at 10:45 AM, I became that asshole when I was told that the...

The Sleepy, Soul-Killing Sports of Summer. Somebody Kill Me [California Seething] Apr11

The Sleepy, Soul-Killing Sports of Summer. Somebody Kill Me [Californi...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city I think we all know there are plenty of things I hate. At this point, I have a repetitive motion injury from shaking my fist at God (“Rage Elbow”). But, to be fair, there are many things I have nothing bad...

Confessions of a March Madness Fan Whore [California Seething] Mar28

Confessions of a March Madness Fan Whore [California Seething]

I have no idea where Butler is. I don’t know how many students there are, what they major in, which frats they rush, how much a turkey club costs in the student union and where they go drinking on the weekends. For a few hours this Saturday, though, I cared more about Butler than any school...

California Seething: Farewell to February and the Rest of the Bullshit Secular Holidays Feb28

California Seething: Farewell to February and the Rest of the Bullshit...

Some of you may remember that in my last post, I embarked on a celebration of all of February’s bullshit secular holidays and got as far as Valentine’s Day. So, it turns out that I pretty much used up all the good holidays, but here’s some stuff I pulled out of my ass for the rest of the...

California Seething: Hurray for February — the month of bullshit holidays! Feb14

California Seething: Hurray for February — the month of bullshit...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city Let’s say you’re someone who really enjoys fasting (bear with me, this is going someplace.) You don’t have an eating disorder and you’re not protesting anything, you just like to find any excuse you can to...

California Seething:Yiddish Folktales, Home Renovation and A Gratuitous Jets Reference Thrown in for Good Measure Jan31

California Seething:Yiddish Folktales, Home Renovation and A Gratuitou...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city There are 3 types of Yiddish folktales (bear with me, this is going somewhere): Be nice to smelly beggars when they come to your door — not out of love or compassion, but because God might be testing...

California Seething: Operation Desert Storm- Celebrating 20 Years of Historical Irrelevance [Go Jets!] Jan17

California Seething: Operation Desert Storm- Celebrating 20 Years of H...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city Twenty years ago today, President George “Dana Carvey” Bush launched the first air strikes against Iraq to defend the sacred right of the Kuwati people to go skiing while someone else does their dirty work...

California Seething: NFL Playoff Preview (I’m Pretty Sure It’s In There Somewhere) Jan03

California Seething: NFL Playoff Preview (I’m Pretty Sure It’s In Ther...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city The worst thing about not having an NFL team in LA is that I don’t get to hate them. I mean, sure, I can always hate USC, but it’s not really the same. Despite the epic Angeleno douchebaggery that USC...

California Seething: Why Hanukkah is Awesome or Keep Your Stinkin’ Pity Menorah Dec06

California Seething: Why Hanukkah is Awesome or Keep Your Stinkin’ Pit...

For the record, Chanukah is one of my favorite holidays. Nothing beats the combination of lighting candles, opening presents and making Christians feel like dirt when they accidentally wish me a Merry Christmas (“Merry CHRIST-mas to me. Oh, how nice. You have yourself a very Merry...

California Seething: I am my own slumlord [HOUSE HUNTERS vs RENOVATION REALITIES] Nov22

California Seething: I am my own slumlord [HOUSE HUNTERS vs RENOVATION...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city For most of my adult life, I have been an apartment renter. This means that I sent a check each month for about 18 years to a scumbag for the rare privilege of living in a place which Anne Frank would have...

California Seething: President Bristol Palin Nov08

California Seething: President Bristol Palin

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city While mostly regarded as a total crap-fest, the election of 2010 was in fact a bonanza for female conservatives and liberal misogynists.  In the past, I might have been chastised for using terms like “crazy...

California Seething: Albany Dreaming [Dunkin The Donuts] Oct25

California Seething: Albany Dreaming [Dunkin The Donuts]

the rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city. Much like a giant turd, California is best appreciated when evacuated. In that spirit I decided to enhance my appreciation of the Golden State by spending some time in my hometown (by default) of Albany,...

California Seething: We’ve Got Your (38yo Misanthrope) Right Here Oct11

California Seething: We’ve Got Your (38yo Misanthrope) Right Her...

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city As Eric Sims awoke on October 10 from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. The bad news is that he also turned 38. Actually, birthdays don’t really bother me. The...

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition Sep27

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition

FIERCELY ANTICIPATING Top Gear Series 15 As anyone knows who has ever had the misfortune of being within earshot when I need a ride home, I’m a career non-driver. As a result, I tend to view driving as a purely pragmatic activity designed to get one from point A (home, work, winery) to point...

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition II Mar19

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition II

. another substitute blogumn by Eric Sims Since Ryan is down in Georgia organizing “Free Ben Roethlisberger- She’s a Golddiggin’ Ho” rallies, you’re stuck with me, Eric the raving Jew with the creepy John Barrowman fixation again. So, here goes nothing. FIERCELY ANTICIPATING March Madness...

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition Feb12

FIERCE ANTICIPATION: The Eric Sims Edition

. a guest blogumn by Eric Sims As I’m often known to exclaim with gratitude to the heavens: “I’m not Ryan Dixon!” However, what I am, is this week’s guest blogger (or “blogumnist” if I must use that abysmal term) Eric Sims. Ryan asked me to cover for him while he is on the lam, fleeing from a...