Dear Madam HR, I want to bring my dog to work, but my HR Department won’t let me. Why are they so mean? Dog Lover Yo Dog, Thanks Google—thanks for creating all these fun and friendly workplaces with all sorts of crazy perks like laundry machines and free food. Oh, and thanks too for telling the whole freaking world about them. I have a secret for you—shhhh! Don’t tell anyone—but you know why Google feeds all their employees a free dinner? Because it means that they’ll never go home, they’ll never leave the sparkling utopia of the Google “campus” (don’t even get me started on how much I hate it when companies call their buildings campuses) and trudge home to, I don’t know, see their kids, hug their wives, live a life that has nothing to do with Google, play with their dog. But wait, it’s brilliant, in that whole list, what was the one thing you actually wanted to do? See your kids? That’s exhausting! Hug your wife? She’s a hopeless nag! Who’s the family member you miss the most? Who’s the only one that lovey-dove-loves you no matter how many times you step on his tail or forget to give him water? (Note to my husband (Monsieur HR):I still contend that wasn’t my fault). So here’s the best part! Now you can bring him to work with you! It’s great, just you and him against the workday. Now you never have to go home, you can spend every waking moment of your life playing ping pong in the employee lounge, getting your clothes dry cleaned over and over, and playing with your dog. Oh, and working! Yes, don’t forget the working! Disclaimer: I have no idea if Google, in fact, allows their...

Dear Mme. HR, I have a chronic health condition which requires me to see doctors regularly during the day. My boss is totally unsympathetic and even though I’m supposed to be exempt, she’s trying to make me track all these appointments as sick hours. Do I have to do that? I thought being exempt meant they couldn’t track my time? Plus I’m always working events on nights and weekends so shouldn’t they pay me OT if they’re gonna make me track sick hours? I tried talking to her but she just flew of the handle about it and the HR Department at my company is totally unhelpful. What should I do? Boss Makes Me Sick Dear Sick, Your letter has caused me to reflect a little on what I often don’t, and that, my friends, is that the “H” in “HR” stands for human. Then how ironic is it that sometimes it seems there is nothing human about what we do? And, dear readers, if there is anyone out there who is a dyed in the wool, hard core, pant suit wearing, spunky short hairdo HR professional, and I’ve just offended you and the cat poster on your wall, then all I can say is: I’ve just offended you now? Where have you been the past year? Please, go back and read my other posts, please, my self-esteem likes to see them pop up in the FaN top 5. In these types of situations I always ask myself, what are we afraid of by doing the right thing for the employee? Are we afraid that you aren’t really sick and you’re just scamming us into taking lots of afternoons off? Are we afraid of setting a precedent in the company and now everyone wants...

Dear Madame HR, I work for a small (about 50 employees) company that is an internet startup. The majority of our staff are phone sales reps, of which I am one, who report to “John” the VP of Sales. About a month ago, I walked into the men’s room and saw John, doing what looked an awful lot like snorting cocaine at the bathroom sink. Later that afternoon, while taking a smoking break with some of my co-workers I discovered that others have seen John doing suspicious things. Our team leader told us a story of how he was with John at a convention in Vegas and at dinner one night, John brought a stripper to the restaurant and proceeded to make out with her all through dinner. A group of us decided to go talk to the Chief Technology Officer because he is the one executive who has been here longer than 3 months and we trust him. The CTO wasn’t surprised by our story and said he would talk to HR. Well, many weeks have passed and John is still working here. Why haven’t they fired him? Wouldn’t this be immediate grounds for termination? I don’t understand. –Not so Silent Witness Dear Not-so, I love this story! Love, love, love it! Just reading it throws me into a trip down memory lane of all the times someone has sat in my office regaling me with tales of all the debauchery that they have witnessed at the hands of various co-workers/managers/executives. This is my first cocaine/stripper question here at HorroR Stories, but I did have a CEO/prostitute question once. To relive that little bit of glory, click here. Drug use/abuse is one of those sticky tricky HR things that cause many of us...

Dear Mme HR, I am a manager and I have about 10 people reporting to me. Most of my employees are great. I have one employee, though, who is really good at her job, but she is crazy. When I say “crazy” I mean that she is almost impossible to deal with. None of my other employees, or managers, want to talk to her, so I carry the brunt of dealing with “Molly” because I’ve learned how to approach her on things and can usually withstand the onslaught I get back from her. I’ll try to be more specific. Recently I was talking to one of the line supervisors, she was saying how a group of them went to a happy hour at a local pub after work on Friday. She said “Even Molly came with us!” I, perhaps foolishly, brought it up to Molly in a very positive way, like “I hear you guys had fun the other night.” Much to my surprise, Molly completely freaked on me. She couldn’t believe that I had heard about that, wanted to know who else knew, if I had told any of the “higher-ups.” She then went to the employee who told me and yelled at her for telling me. Unfortunately, I have a lot of instances like this; I’ve come to just expect that if I have to deal with her on anything, she is going to freak out on me. Here’s my problem. Aside from all the freaking out, she is really good at her job. I don’t want to try and replace her, I don’t want to do what she does, I don’t even want to think about it. So how do I handle this? Do I just put up with the crazy...

Dear Madame HR, I’ve worked part-time for the past 8 years for a non-profit organization. During that time, Cindy (not her real name), the secretary in the main office, was a great help to me in expediting a number of projects. Six weeks ago, I went into the office and found that Cindy was gone. The desk, shelves, and filing cabinets that Cindy had used were being cleaned out and the office had been re-arranged since my previous visit the week before. I asked about Cindy and was told that she had resigned when asked to adjust her work schedule (possibly in connection with the hiring of a new secretary in another department of the organization.) I wasn’t able to find out any additional information. Last week, I received a brief letter from Cindy, sent to my home address. Cindy wrote that she hadn’t resigned, but had actually been fired after 15 years of working for the organization.  The reason for her firing – “because they needed someone with greater computer skills.” Cindy stated that she’d received no severance pay, because the organization considered her leaving a “resignation.”  She wished me well and said she’d enjoyed working with me. I intend to continue working for the organization. How should I answer Cindy’s letter? I don’t want to insult her by ignoring it as she and I had a cordial working relationship. I’m puzzled by the issue of Cindy’s computer skills. The organization is rather low-tech and Cindy seemed to be able to provide the data and communications which the organization needed. Fired? Resigned? Which is true? Also, the organization never released any type of “official” explanation for Cindy’s sudden absence – rather strange for a long-time employee who played a very visible role in the daily functioning of the organization. Does a business have...

Dear Madame HR, I am friends on Facebook with a bunch of my co-workers. Lately, after the Newtown tragedy and the subsequent discussions regarding gun control, one of my co-workers has been posting a lot of pro-gun statements, photos of himself with his guns, and other pro-gun things that make me a little nervous. I talked to my other co-workers and we kind of made some jokes about it, but the more I think about it, the more freaked out I am. Should I be concerned? Should I tell HR? Rather Not Get Shot Dear Rather Not, Should you be concerned? OK, so looking in my crystal ball: I’m going to say “Maybe.” Yes, Maybe! My favorite answer to every question—it’s the only way in which I ever resemble a lawyer. Let’s get real for a minute. I mean, really, if I had a dollar for every time I went “Huh?” at something someone posted on Facebook then I wouldn’t be working in HR right now. I’d probably be at Sizzler getting a $6 steak because I don’t have many Facebook friends, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m not sure you should go over the deep end here. Sure, you could report the guy, start tracking his Amazon.com orders, x-raying the mysterious packages arriving for him. Or, you could confront him; tell him to stop posting those things (which would probably go over really well). You could block his posts so you don’t have to see them anymore. But then that only really solves the problem of your ignorance being compromised, it’s not going to make the dude stop loving guns so much. And I hate to break it to you, but I heard a statistic that before the Newtown tragedy...

In this, my second post on how HR has warped my thinking and made me a nerd, I talk about cable television shows. For my first installment, how HR affects how I watch football, click here. I’m going to start this post with the following statement: You can judge me if you want. I mean, I know I’m about to admit to what some would think are embarrassing television watching habits. But considering the detritus that is on prime time network television these days, I’m pretty sure I can point that condemning finger right back at ‘cha. So there. Anyway, so Madame HR spent a couple of weeks this winter intermittently ailing on the couch. I’m feeling much better now, thank you for asking. But you really shouldn’t ask, cause you know, HIPPA and all that. I mean, I could volunteer the information, and that would be ok, but it would also be TMI. And during this time I watched a lot of cable TV at various hours of the day and night and I had the opportunity to get hooked on shows that I cannot really justify being hooked on, but the hook is there, so I’m living with it. To help, I’m going to filter these shows through my HR colored glasses and see what happens. CSI Miami Reruns=Lessons on how to Build an Effective Team Horatio Caine may very well be the best manager who has ever lived. His voluntary turnover rate is 0%. People in his department don’t quit—they only leave in body bags or handcuffs. I’d kill for turnover like that (literally, death looks better on my turnover report than “hated my manager”). I’m not counting Eric Delco who left to go to Puerto Rico or Tampa Bay or...

Ho! Ho! Ho my friends! Merry/Happy whatever-the-heck you like to celebrate this time of year. I’m in HR so I don’t care what you celebrate, I just have to accommodate it. Personally, in December I like to celebrate the joy I feel at how freaking cold the rest of the country is and how I can sit on my veranda (yes, veranda) and sip some sort of jovial celebratory beverage and laugh and laugh and laugh. Karmically I realize I’m probably setting myself up for some sort of epic natural disaster and yes, I realize that Super Storm Sandy has made weather no longer funny, but give me something. I’m in HR and year end sucks for us. We have Open Enrollment for the ingrates (or as some call them “employees”), payroll year end, holiday parties, holiday staffing issues. The fuzzy-holiday sweater/sock/earring expectations are staggering, just staggering, I tell you. My gift to you, my favorite readers—you guys are the best!—is twofold: A short(ish) post! Yay! <Sound of champagne corks popping> An HR holiday survival guide! Yay! <No champagne corks popping> So a quick Q&A: Everyone that I’ve ever met or been related to that knows I’m in HR (We’ll call them ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR for short): Does my company have to give me paid holidays off? Me: No. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Really? Me: Yes. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Not even federal holidays? Me: No. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: What if my company is closed for a holiday, do they have to pay me? Me: No. (Unless you are exempt, then it might). ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Is that legal? Is that legal? Ah, my favorite question. I’m going to get it tattooed on my ass. On the right cheek. On the left, I’m going to tattoo “So?” I was going to tattoo “It Depends,” but thank...

Dear Madame HR, I’m a 7th grade teacher in a faith-based school. Last June, our respected long-time principal retired. The Board of Trustees of the school hired a man I’ll call Dr. P as the new principal. So far, Dr. P has called the 5th grade teacher a “booby” because she jammed the office copier; contemptuously discouraged the veteran kindergarten teacher from organizing her signature student projects; refused to allow the school to be the site of an annual community teachers’ gathering, because he doesn’t want “outsiders” in the school; used disparaging language at a faculty meeting to refer to teachers of other faiths – and it’s only October! He appears to have no knowledge whatsoever of pedagogy or curriculum development.  We don’t have a real teachers’ union, only a weak faculty association. The few mild comments we’ve made to the Board of Trustees, have been met with derisive response that “The teachers are whining because Dr. P is making them ‘toe the line.'” Also the Board is made up of wealthy male doctors, lawyers, business leaders, while the faculty is mostly female.  This used to be a great place to work. Now it’s a nightmare. Help! What recourse do we have? Oh, there is no HR department in the school. What can we do? Thanks for listening, Hoping for Help Dear Hoping, I was thinking about your question while I was driving home from work one day when a story came on NPR (as part of their election coverage) about how animals make decisions in groups and more importantly how they choose leaders and how those leaders behave. Like, for example, honey bees don’t lie, but chimps do! Who knew? It’s a fascinating story, here is the text of it. Anyway, the line that I thought was particularly relevant in your case was this: “It’s...

In honor of another Book Week at FaN, I will share with you Chapter 3 in my book entitled: FMLA, what the Fuck? Please buy it, please, please, please. I expect it to be on the shelves sometime in the next decade. There is nothing more confusing than leaves of absence. Ask anybody. In the immortal words of Fletch: “Can I ask anybody now?” (I love Fletch. He was probably a nightmare employee, never went to Open Enrollment meetings, saw prostitutes constantly, but he’s just so damn loveable. And, hey, speaking of Book Week — Fletch was a book! A whole series of books as a matter of fact. Here’s a hint though, I read the first Fletch and the book Fletch wasn’t half as loveable as Chevy Chase’s Fletch. I’m just warning you, I’d hate for you to be disappointed. Plus, there is this whole teenage hooker plot line that was most definitely not in the movie. Consider yourself warned.) Comments and questions that came to me in response to my last 2 posts (here and here) on leaves made me think that maybe I wasn’t explaining it well and they’ve prompted me to bore y’all one more time. This time I’m just focusing on one thing, and it’s the one thing that I have to explain more than any other thing: There is a difference between leave programs and programs that pay you if you are on leave. This is the concept that employees and others confuse more than anything else. For example, after someone read my Paternity Leave post, I received an email about someone who recently had a baby. This woman’s child unfortunately was born with special needs. The email stated: “She took 6 weeks of maternity leave when the...

Mme. HR, My manager called me into her office and told me that unless I started dressing nicer and wearing my hair and makeup in a more conservative style, then I wouldn’t get very far in this company. I am a good performer, probably the best in my department, and feel that whether or not I’m promoted should depend on my performance, not what color of eye shadow I’m wearing. What should I do? I’m thinking of finding a different job at another company. –Not an Ugly Duckling Dear Ducky, I think most people would be surprised how often things like this happen in corporate America nowadays. It’s discouraging to be sure. So, do you change your eye shadow or not? This is a tough one. Sure, I think we’d all like to believe that we can be judged on our work alone and that appearances have nothing to do with how we are perceived or promoted in the workplace. However, like most things in life, it’s sadly not the case.  There is a very common idea out there that to be successful you have to dress the part. Hell, at Bain Capital you had to wear a black suit and a red tie to work your way to the top. Sometimes no matter how smart or competent we may be, it’s hard for most to look past the mono-brow to the brain beneath it. To even go further with the point, I think this is how a lot of incompetent people rise to the top, they know how to look the part and play the game and that’s a different kind of smarts that sometimes will get you further. As with most things in the working world, the degree to which this happens...

What the heck do you do in HR anyway? –Thinking of becoming a Madame HR Dear Thinking, Good question! I think everyone has a different idea of what goes on behind the super-secret door of the Human Resources Department. Unfortunately, I don’t really have an easy answer because what your HR Department does depends so much on your executive management, your company size, your company culture, your staff and on and on. So there you go, my answer: It depends. The End. Whew, shortest post ever! Woo-hoo! Let’s go get some mojitos! I won’t tell anyone, trust me—I’m in HR! Ok, ha, ha, just kidding. I’m not going to let anyone off the hook that easy. Anyway, HR, yeah, so as I was saying, what your HR department does depends a lot on the company you work for. I looked through some job postings for HR Managers to illustrate my point. Read below 2 different postings that were recently advertising HR Manager openings (I seriously didn’t make these up): Posting 1: “Human Resources Manager wanted for a company built on love, unity, eco-friendly roots, joyology and innovative design. You inspire, motivate, organize, lead, develop, harmonize and pursue excellence.” Posting 2: “The Human Resources Manager must possess the following: -Strong proficiency with MS Office with the ability to function as the first point of contact for troubleshooting IT issues. -Oversee all human resources functions such as hiring, management of staff, compliance of company policies and procedures -Manage and maintain the branch operations budget and vendor relations -Handle general facilities requests and communicate with building management -Design employee programs and handle all employee relations issues -Facilitate training and development programs.” So, from reading these, my guess is Posting 1 is from a relatively new company, they...

Purely for my own amusement, and hopefully for yours, I have decided to have an occasional series here in HorroR Stories about how when you work in HR long enough it starts to affect how you view everything in life. Keep sending questions though! I will resume the usual Q&A next time. Now that the NFL season is in full swing, my husband has pretty much tuned all the televisions in the house to ESPN and thrown away the remotes. I can’t help but get drawn in by all the story lines surrounding football. Also, because I’m in HR, hearing all these story lines makes me think about HR and the lessons companies and mangers can learn from the NFL. Here are some of the lessons I think we can learn from the NFL regarding the workforce today: No one should ever think they are indispensable, until they are indispensable The referee strike has revealed all sorts of harsh realities of the modern workforce. I’m going to give you some thoughts without talking about unions. I don’t fuck with unions. Here are my few non-union thoughts: Turnover is costly. Replacing a good employee costs more than the ad you posted on Monster.com. When you lose a good employee, or even worse a good employee with a lot of experience, the lag time in having the position open and then getting the new person up to speed is costly. And, worse, you may have to replace that star worker with someone who’s been working in the lingerie league because all the other good refs have jobs in the NCAA. Companies tend to shine the spotlight on their revenue generators: their sales reps and business development types at the expense of the A/P clerks and admin...

Dear Madame HR, My boss is constantly picking on me. In meetings he tells everyone about every mistake I make, big or small. He’s constantly yelling at me and telling me that I am incompetent and stupid. Most days I go home crying. I think this is harassment and he’s creating a hostile work environment. Should I sue? What do you think? –Abused Dear Abused, Ah, harassment, that old chestnut. I feel like it’s the ‘90s again, Demi Moore was young and a box office draw, Michael Douglas was our idea of the everyman (and young and a box office draw). Every sitcom from Friends to the Drew Carey Show had its harassment episode. And hostile work environment, who doesn’t like to make that joke? “Gee, Bob I could stay late and finish all those reports for you, but then you’d be creating a hostile work environment! Ha, Ha, Ha” Remember Anita Hill? I remember how they all pronounced the word with that soft “a”. No, it’s harASSment—emphasis on the ASS. So, I realize I saw the word harassment and I jumped to sexual harassment, cause frankly, who doesn’t?  Those words go together like peanut butter & jelly. But you are right, harassment takes many forms, and speaking of ASS, your boss sounds like one. But, there are two things that have come out of all that pervasive media coverage: 1. EVERYONE learned the words “harassment” and “hostile work environment” and thought “kaching kaching,” and 2. Companies figured out how to protect themselves. If you work in California, and some other states as well, your boss has probably received more training from your company on how to prevent harassment in the workplace then on anything else. That anything else includes: how to not be...

Dear Madame HR, Recently, in your FMLA post, you advised that the person send in baby pictures to their boss. This surprised me. I’m always worried about revealing too much personal information at work and to my co-workers. Isn’t it better to be cautious? -Prince Harry Dear Your Highness, Wow, in 2012 this seems like an unusual question. Doesn’t everyone have a Facebook page nowadays? Is there such a thing as “revealing too much personal information?” Well, yes, there is, but still who gives a shit? I mean this is America after all, where the minutia of our everyday lives and innermost thoughts has suddenly become quality content for several websites. Nothing makes us feel more important than 12 people liking our status update regarding the current health status of our cat. Especially when half of those 12 people are people we haven’t seen or talked to face to face in 20 years. But reeling it back in to the workplace, there is a lot being said about social networking and HR. We’ve all read the horror stories of so-and-so getting fired because he posted a picture of himself being crazy in Cancun that his boss or HR department saw. Or some other so-and-so didn’t get a job because the recruiter Googled him and saw a bunch of pictures of him kissing another man. We can all get indignant—that this is our personal life and blah, blah, blah, nobody’s business, blah, blah, blah. Well, sure, like everything in life, it’s all fun and games until you’re held accountable for it, but I’m not going to preach, because I imagine my particular views on this subject aren’t the popular views. But what I can do is make a plea to all you social butterflies out...

Recently, in the comments for my post on the perils and ennui of FMLA, Ernessa requested that I address Paternity Leave, since my post was more focused on Maternity Leave. So, for Ernessa and all you men out there who are about to be fathers, maybe could someday be fathers, don’t want to be fathers but might be kind of curious why they had to cover for Joey last year when his wife had twins, or wives/baby mamas who need ammunition in their arguments with their husbands/baby daddies as to why they need to take time off to care for the new baby—this one is for you. True story, here is a reenactment of a conversation I had once with an executive regarding paternity leave: Me: Hi Dave, I just heard from Mike that he is going to be taking Paternity Leave for a month in August. Dave: (laughing) Paternity Leave? Me: Yes, his wife is due August 1, so he’s thinking it will start around then. Dave: (laughing harder) Paternity Leave? Me: Yes, so we have a couple of months to plan ahead. Do you need any resources from HR to help plan for his absence? A temp employee perhaps? Dave: (still laughing) Come on… Me: So, you should think about coordinating schedules, especially if others in that department are planning on taking vacation in August… Dave: (laughing a little less) Seriously? Paternity Leave? Me: Yes Dave: Is that even a thing? Me: Yes Dave: (not laughing anymore) For a month?!? Me: Well he’s eligible for 12 weeks, he’s only taking a month Dave: And we have to let him do this? Yes Dave, sorry to say, but in 2012 Paternity Leave is no joke. And that’s great, right? Yay men! Now not...

I picked this post as my “best of” because: 1. I didn’t have many to choose from as I’m a relatively new contributor here and 2. this is hands down the question people ask me more than anything (or a version of). It seems that having a crazy boss is like the common cold of the working world–we all get one eventually and they are really really annoying. Don’t forget to send your questions to askhorror@gmail.com. All questions are confidential. Enjoy! Dear Madame HR, I hate my boss. I’ve worked at this company for over a year, and I’ve tried everything to work with this person. He is crazy and incompetent, yet the CEO and CFO seem to love him. He has no clue how to do his job and half the time I have to explain his own job to him. What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving the company but the job market scares me. –Only Sane One Left Dear Sane One, Ah, the crazy boss, who hasn’t had one of those? I feel like I’ve had several. In fact, after reading your letter, I did a little tally of all the bosses I’ve had over the years and here’s how they broke out (this is just counting my post-college, what some may call “real” jobs): Crazy, but I kind of liked them- 2 Crazy, but I couldn’t stand them- 1 Crazy, like Pol Pot crazy and kind of mean- 1 Crazy, like Norma Desmond crazy and kind of fun- 1 Crazy, but they only talked to me like 3 times, so it didn’t really matter- 2 Crazy, but once I figured out how to work him, I learned A LOT from him- 1 Crazy, but in her defense, it wasn’t...

In honor of Book Week at F&N, I will be suspending my usual Q&A. Keep sending questions, you can post them in the comments or email them to: askhorror@gmail.com. And as always, confidentiality will be preserved. Now that’s out the way, so…Book Week, eh? I have to admit when they first told me about this I was like: crap, does this mean I have to read a book about HR and then write about it? I mean, come on, let’s be honest, who wants to read a book about HR? Yuck, not me. And even worse, who wants to read a post about a book about HR? I’m assuming not you. And I don’t want to write one, let me tell you. So I was dreading the deadline on this one. But then I started wondering, why isn’t the HR Manager ever a character in fiction? I mean, heroines (or heroes) in fiction always have some interesting job that real people never have: archaeologists, college professors (or both), underwater treasure hunters, photojournalists (although, everyone thinks they are a photojournalist nowadays), professional thieves (with a heart of gold, of course), regular journalists, computer hackers, novelists (I love it when the main character in a novel is a novelist—and by love, I mean hate), sheriffs or some other law enforcement, injured Navy Seals who just need the love of a good woman to heal their physical and emotional scars, guys who buy companies and then destroy them to make tons of money (think Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, or Mitt Romney in the Real World), chefs, bounty hunters, you get the idea. I mean, if novels can make Art History seem interesting and exciting, why can’t they do the same for HR? So, I tried to...

Dear Madame HR, I recently found out I’m pregnant and I’m terrified to tell my boss. Last year my co-worker had a baby and when she came back they transferred her to a crappy job where she files all day. I heard a rumor that they fired someone else when she was on maternity leave. I can’t afford to lose my job, what do I do? –Knocked up Dear Knocked Up, Well, first of all, congratulations on your forthcoming bundle of joy. I’m sure you are feeling enough stress, and probably a little nausea right now, and that’s before you even start to think about the quagmire that is leave law in this state/country. Leave laws are one of those things that most HR professionals still have to research every time they come up because they are an alphabet soup of confusion. I feel like it took me years to really understand, not only what all the acronyms stand for, but what they actually mean. And I feel like that’s happened because the females at my current company are a fertile lot. I have between four and eleven women on maternity leave at any given time so I feel like I can recite the laws in my sleep. Leave laws are one of those funny things that exist purely to force employers to be compassionate. Employers hate shit like that. From the employer perspective, I get it, it’s hard to keep positions open while someone is gone for 1-3 months. On the other side though, why should you lose out just because you get sick/have a baby/need to care for a sick relative, etc. So I get it, really I do. Leave laws are important, okay. That being said they are also a big...

Dear Madame HorroR, I recently returned from a business trip to New York with the CEO of my company and a couple of other executives. One evening I entered the hotel bar where we were staying and saw the CEO at a table with a woman I know is a prostitute. I know this because she had propositioned me on a previous occasion and I turned her down. They left together. We are a public company and aside from this being illegal and immoral, he’s also married. What should I do? –Shocked and Dismayed Dear Dismayed, So, your CEO likes prostitutes? Neat. He’s married? Super. You’ve got shareholders and board members and whoever that Mr. SOX fellow is (I hate that guy) standing in a row just shaking their heads in disapproval. Hmm, I doubt it. But you’re right, this is shocking and dismaying. I mean, I used to go on business trips and feel guilty if I ordered Dominos to my hotel room late at night because all the food they served at the meeting I was at all day was kosher and GROSS.  I would make sure to get extra meat AND cheese on that baby, but I wouldn’t put it on my expense report. I wonder if your CEO expensed the drinks he bought little Miss Madam, or the condom he bought in the bathroom (maybe there was one in his mini-bar so he just charged it to the room—there are probably some hotels in New York that have Viagra in their mini-bars, I’m just saying). I’m going to give you a little glimpse into the mind of an HR professional. If you were in my office right now telling me this I would be plugging my ears and chanting “la,...

Dear HorroR Stories, I hate my HR Department, they are so strict and I don’t understand why. I never got a dental insurance card and when I went to them to ask about it, they said I never signed up for dental insurance. And then they said I couldn’t just add it on, but I had to wait until the end of the year. Why? I think they are just being bitches. –Crooked teeth Dear Crooked, My first reaction to reading your question was: “Huh, that HR Department doesn’t communicate very well with its employees.” I mean, if you are going to prevent someone from enrolling in the dental plan, you should at least explain why. But then I thought about it for a minute, I looked back on the past 15 years of my professional life and changed my mind. Nope, I’ve got your HR Department’s back on this one. So, just for fun, open up Outlook the next time you are at work and click on “All Mail Items” and then in the search box type: “Open Enrollment.” Depending on how long you’ve been at the company, and how much storage space they allow you to keep in Outlook, you should see at least one email per year pop up. Nothing shuts off employees’ ears like the words “Open Enrollment.” It never ceases to amaze me, I mean we are talking about benefits, which by definition, are good things. Why don’t you care? For those of you who automatically delete any email you get from HR, I guess I should explain what Open Enrollment is before I go any further. Your company has a benefit year, usually it’s the same as the calendar year, but sometimes it isn’t. Toward the end of...

Dear Madame HorroR, Recently, my boss called me in to her office and gave me a counseling notice and said I had 10 days to improve my performance. Should I be worried? Am I going to get fired? — Called into the Principal’s office Dear Called, Yes… Probably… I don’t know. I’m doubtless not saying anything shocking when I relate that most people hate conflict, hate giving people bad news, hate confronting anything unpleasant in general. Just because the corporate gods have shined down upon your manager and christened her a “Manager” doesn’t automatically make her better at any of that. Or make her willing to deal with it either. That is what HR Departments are for, right? Here’s what I do know, your boss HATED having to give you that counseling notice. Now, I don’t know what it was for, but I’m guessing this is how the conversation between your boss and your HR department went: Your Boss: I want to let my employee, Called into the Principal’s Office go Your HR Dept: Have you discussed this performance issue with her? Your Boss: No, I just want you to let her go, she doesn’t listen to me and her work is sloppy Your HR Dept: Have you given her any feedback on her work, told her what your expectations are, how she can improve? Your Boss: No, just get rid of her Your HR Dept: (clicking keys in the background) I see that you gave her a 4.5 out of 5 on her last performance review Your Boss: I don’t care, I just want her gone, just deal with it Your HR Dept: Yes, but first we need to document something… At which point your HR Department gave your manager a nice long...