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Boston Man Blames Poor Pick-Up Basketball Performance On “Lockah Room Queahs”

Boston, MA – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

Pete O’Brien, a Boston man used to averaging 20 points a game, went a paltry 4 for 22 this morning during a pick-up basketball game at his local gym. O’Brien blames his lackluster offering on the recent announcement of ex-Celtic, Jason Collins’ homosexuality and the subsequent anxiety he suffered while changing in the locker room before the game.

“A lockah rooms s’post to be sacred. If Cahllins is a fahkin’ queah, who knows how many othah fahkin’ queahs are hangin’ out in here? Last thing I need is anothah guy checkin’ out my junk.”

While changing into his gym shorts, O’Brien claims he caught the glance of another man and it weirded him out for the whole game.

“He was sweatin’ so bad I thought he got the flu,” said Hank Firth, the married father of four O’Brien was concerned about. “I know for a fact he’s been shootin’ hoops with at least three gay men the last year, now he’s got a prahblum?” A problem O’Brien took seriously enough to file a complaint with the gym’s manager.

“He wants every gay membah to change in the women’s lockah room,” recounted Byron Small, the manager handling the complaint. “We ain’t gonna do that.”

Mr. Small, who is gay himself, said he would be offended by O’Brien’s flagrant homophobia if he didn’t find the situation so funny. “Pete’s our resident creepo. Every othah day I gotta ask him to stop loiterin’ behind ladies on the treadmill. What’s good for the goose. Besides, ain’t nobody but Pete checkin’ out Pete’s junk, I can promise you that.”

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