If you are or have ever been a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan, you must, must, must watch this video. But not at work, because this version of TMNT is NSFW. [h/t...

New York, NY – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin A United Nations official pleaded with both sides of the Syrian conflict this morning, warning them to stick exclusively to conventional means of spreading death. “You know the deal guys, killing each other with bullets, knives and explosives is fine but chemical nerve agents? Ugh, that means we have to get involved.” When asked by a reporter what the difference between bleeding to death slowly from a gunshot wound and dying from poisonous neurotoxins is, the official responded, “One means we have to do something about it, and the other means we don’t.” The U.N. adopted its anti-chemical/biological/nuclear weapons policy as a way to posture authoritative disapproval while still allowing people to massacre each other. However, both the Assad regime and the Syrian rebels are making it hard to maintain that posture. “By dividing conventional weapons from weapons of mass destruction we’ve blurred the distinction between impotent finger wagging and serious peacemaking. If this conflict escalates as we fear, that distinction is in danger of being defined. The global community wants to avoid that at all costs.” Image Credit:...

An infographic that covers the evolution of Iron Man’s armor. Also, something to do make do with while we wait for the Star Trek items to start rolling in. Click on the pic to make bigger. [h/t Fashionably Geek] Infographic Created by HalloweenCostumes.com...

Just in case you were wondering… [h/t io9]

New York, NY – Monday By Joshua Mauldin As a courtesy to Americans, actor Guy Pearce’s publicist announced this morning that he will be officially changing his US name to That Guy From Memento. “Guy appreciates that pulling up IMDB on your phone to remember his name before approaching him takes too much time. From now on when you stop him on the street and say, ‘Oh crap, you’re…you know…that guy from Memento,’ he can politely nod without having to awkwardly help you.” Pearce decided to make the change too late for the release of Iron Man 3 but will be credited as such in the upcoming film The Rover, a dystopian western co-starring Edward Cullen and co-written by That Guy From Warrior, No Not Bane, The Other Brother. Image Credit:...

It’s the clear bubbly beverage your mom would give you as a child when you had an upset stomach or fever.  7 Up is part of America, but the classic citrus soft drink which almost disappeared from stores is fighting to make a come back. 7 Up, with its lemon line flavor, was created by Charles Lepier Gregg in St. Louis.  Having great success with his Howdy Orange Drink, Gregg turned his focus to lemons and limes.  After more than 2 years and 11 different formulas, he had his drink: a caramel colored “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda.” Try selling that to a marketing agency, today! It was released two weeks before the stock market crash of 1929, and amazingly, the drink sold well. In 1935, the color was changed to clear, and the brand name to 7 Up..  Early ads promised “Seven natural flavors blended into a savory, flavory with a real whallop.” By the late 1940’s, 7 Up was the third best selling soft drink in the world! The recipe has been reformulated multiple times since the original launch.  It once contained a mood stabilizing drug, but that was removed in the 1950s.  The latest change was in 2006, when it rebranded itself as “all natural”–although after a few law suit threats the tagline was changed. Now it contains “100% natural flavors.” A common myth is that the name 7 Up represents the seven ingredients in the drink while another says that the ph is over 7. Both claims are untrue, and the real reason for the name is a mystery. The 7 Up brand has changed hands several times over the years.  In 1978 it was purchased by Philip Morris (the cigarette people), before being sold to an investment group in 1986. ...

Bismarck, ND – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A source speaking in omnipotence divulged this morning that The Almighty is “more than a little worried” about an amendment to the North Dakota constitution that would define life at conception and award a zygote all rights of citizenship.”If lawmakers decide to prosecute retroactively, the Ancient of Days could be facing over six million counts of murder.” When pressed about why miscarriage was built into the divine plan in the first place, the source explained that flippantly discarding fertilized eggs is all a part of the Alpha and the Omega’s mysterious ways. “He knew you before he formed you in the womb but sometimes he’s just not that into you.” Ephraim Abramowitz, legal representative for the Hope of Israel, says proving YHWH’s complicity in a prematurely terminated pregnancy won’t be hard. “If it can be shown that the mother did nothing to warrant a miscarriage, we’re screwed. Adonai’s penchant for aborticide is well established.” Abramowitz points to the Old Testament as more than enough to establish precedent. “Good luck convincing a jury that the Amalek slaughter wasn’t a wholesale edict to murder, among everyone else, the unborn Amalekite children. El Shaddai’s bloody fingerprints are all over that book.” To sway the opinion of North Dakota voters, I Am has formed a Super PAC aimed at presenting scientific evidence against the early consciousness of embryos, but Abramowitz isn’t optimistic. “He’s been poisoning their minds against science for so long, I doubt they’ll consider it. But hey, mysterious ways right?” Image Credit:...

Don’t forget that Mother’s Day is right around the corner. And here are a couple of cards from the GrammaticalAlert Etsy shop to go along with your clever gift for your favorite nerdy mom. Click on either card to buy yours for...

My favorite was Bane, and my fellow 80s kids will appreciate the shout-out to both Darth Vader and Lord Dark Helmet! [h/t The Mary...

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin 74-year-old Imelda Kershaw’s drivers license was revoked earlier this year after she failed to pass an eye exam. That didn’t stop her from driving however, and yesterday afternoon, she accidentally backed into a unicyclist in the parking lot of a Ralph’s grocery store. The unicyclist, who’s legal name is Mister Belvedere, suffered a broken arm and a sprained ankle when he was thrown to the ground by the careening automobile. “I’ve seen that idiot riding that stupid thing around town for a while,” remarked a witness to the event. “It’s about time someone ran that obnoxious twerp over.” Officers responding to the scene were quick to commend Ms. Kershaw for her public service. “She’s a hero in my book,” said Officer Max Langfield. “That kind of behavior might fly in Silver Lake, but in Santa Monica, we don’t tolerate that shit.” Ms. Kershaw’s drivers license was immediately reinstated and the official report blames Mister Belvedere for cycling recklessly into the back of her car. When asked how such an abuse of power can be justified, Officer Langfield rolled his eyes. “My only regret is she didn’t knock that jackass moustache off his ugly face.” Image Credit:...

As someone who is constantly trying to make her routine tasks more efficient, I might take another gander at this xkcd comic before I pick up yet another self-help or how-to...

I’d totally watch this if it were a movie or TV series, but unfortunately, it’s just the fantastical and new wavish music video for “Alive” by Empire of the Sun. [h/t...

Los Angeles, CA – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin 37-year-old attorney, Myra Filiman, was given the key to the city of Los Angeles this morning for adhering to basic driving etiquette during a three-month, city-wide surveillance period. “Operation: What’s This Asshole Doing?” was a program initiated by the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles to monitor Southern California motorists’ driving habits in the hopes of better understanding the causes behind its nation-leading amount of traffic accidents and moving violations. “Instead of changing lanes in an unannounced haste, forcing everyone behind her to slam on their brakes, Myra used her turn signals to calmly inform drivers of her intent,” said Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. “The turn signal bar is located on the right side of the steering wheel. When you press it up or down, lights on either the right or left side of your car flicker. We’d like to see everyone use these at least once in the next week.” Though confused by the honor, Ms. Filiman credits her success to years of dedicated yoga and being from Minnesota. Image Credit:...

95% of the horses that raced in the 2012 Kentucky Derby had the thoroughbred Mr. Prospector in their pedigree (and of those who did 55% had him in their pedigree more than once.)

For those of us who like to watch ALL the HGTV, this Ikea commercial is beyond hilarious. [h/t The Mary...

Boston, MA – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Pete O’Brien, a Boston man used to averaging 20 points a game, went a paltry 4 for 22 this morning during a pick-up basketball game at his local gym. O’Brien blames his lackluster offering on the recent announcement of ex-Celtic, Jason Collins’ homosexuality and the subsequent anxiety he suffered while changing in the locker room before the game. “A lockah rooms s’post to be sacred. If Cahllins is a fahkin’ queah, who knows how many othah fahkin’ queahs are hangin’ out in here? Last thing I need is anothah guy checkin’ out my junk.” While changing into his gym shorts, O’Brien claims he caught the glance of another man and it weirded him out for the whole game. “He was sweatin’ so bad I thought he got the flu,” said Hank Firth, the married father of four O’Brien was concerned about. “I know for a fact he’s been shootin’ hoops with at least three gay men the last year, now he’s got a prahblum?” A problem O’Brien took seriously enough to file a complaint with the gym’s manager. “He wants every gay membah to change in the women’s lockah room,” recounted Byron Small, the manager handling the complaint. “We ain’t gonna do that.” Mr. Small, who is gay himself, said he would be offended by O’Brien’s flagrant homophobia if he didn’t find the situation so funny. “Pete’s our resident creepo. Every othah day I gotta ask him to stop loiterin’ behind ladies on the treadmill. What’s good for the goose. Besides, ain’t nobody but Pete checkin’ out Pete’s junk, I can promise you that.” Image Credit:...

Joy of Tech for the win! [h/t LikeCool]...

Am I the only one disturbed that the “gourmet Chinese” restaurant, Panda Express has decided to name their newest dish after a Japanese warrior? I mean, I know, I know, it’s a stretch to call Panda Express Chinese food anyway, but c’mon… Weird vegetarian pandas getting excited over a mostly meat dish named after a Japanese warrior ad...

Los Angeles, CA – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Game 5 between the Clippers and the Grizzlies will be played at USC’s Galen Center on Tuesday unless sanitation crews can sterilize the “fecal biohazard” left by the Lakers in time. Sanitation officials have called in reinforcements to help remove gallons upon gallons of bowel waste from the Staples Center but they doubt the job will be finished quick enough. “I’ve never seen such a massive, collective dump taken before,” said Rodrigo Alvarez, head of the clean-up effort. “It’s all over the court, in the locker room, the parking lot…pretty much everywhere a Laker player stepped. We’ve had to quarantine Jack Nicholson, that’s how bad it is.” Image Credit:...

Portland, OR – Tuesday A 268-pound Portland resident prompted concern from his peers after neglecting to post a gym picture to Facebook last night. For the past six weeks, Bertrand Kelm has provided photographic evidence of himself on either a treadmill or an elliptical machine every day, but last evening friends were disturbed to discover no such picture. “I’m speechless,” said Aimee Harvin, coworker and object of Kelm’s unrequited affection. “There’s so much wrong with the world, Bert’s daily exercise updates give me hope that things can get better.” Hayden Smythe, someone Bert met at a birthday party two years ago, agrees. “That a single man in his late 20’s with relatively few obligations can find the strength to take better care of himself inspires all of us. I hope he hasn’t given up.” While wiping a tear from his eye, Smythe paused for reflection. “Bert, if you’re reading this, please don’t stop, humanity needs you.” UPDATE: Fierce and Nerdy has discovered that Mr. Kelm’s phone battery died at the end of his last workout. He has since allayed his friends’ fears with an uplifting status update complete with pictures of a chicken salad and a scale displaying half-a-pound weight loss. Image Credit:...

San Francisco, CA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A representative from Yelp!, the website dedicated to costumer-based business reviews, addressed the media Friday morning to warn users that the level of whining is reaching a dangerous high. “Our system isn’t built to handle the absurd amount of bellyaching, pentulance and otherwise griping posted by reviewers every second.” In an effort to level off the hazardous complaining, Yelp! is asking that users exercise common sense before bashing an establishment for minuscule inconveniences. “For [expletive deleted]’s sake, not every minor imperfection is worth writing six paragraphs of childish grousing.” The representative went on to provide examples of what isn’t worth bunching one’s boxers over. “All gyms play terrible music, you’re going to listen to your iPod anyway, why would you bitch about that? And restaurants, unless you actually have Celiac disease, the lack of gluten-free menu choices isn’t a ‘serious concern.’ If you do have celiac disease, don’t go to an Italian restaurant in the first place.” Further guidelines of what does not constitute a legitimate complaint will be posted to Yelp!’s main page this afternoon. Image Credit:...

Survey says: It’s one of your favorite game shows, and now Family Feud has come to you in instant lottery ticket form. Players have the chance to win big bucks in the palm of their hands. But, even if you don’t scratch off a winner, this game has a second chance that could land you a game show lover’s dream vacation! Family Feud premiered on ABC television on July 12, 1976. A spin-off of the bonus round on the popular Match Game show, host Richard Dawson would ask two families a series of questions and they would have to find the most popular answers from a survey of 100 people. Get the most points, win cash. The show has been on the air with a rotation of hosts including Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, Richard Karn, John O’Hurley, and Steve Harvey almost non-stop, except for a brief recess in the mid 90’s. Under current host Harvey, the Feud is drawing record numbers, although it is now syndicated to local stations. To cash in on the popularity of the show, the New York Lottery has partnered with MDI Entertainment, LLC to create an ultimate game show fan trip to Las Vegas. The ad campaign launched with a several hilarious commercials airing in the state. The Family Feud instant scratch off game provides the player with 12 chances to match up to 6 pre-selected numbers to win a cash prize, from $5 all the way up to a jackpot of $1,000,000 (paid in $50,000 increments for 20 years.)  Revealing a money bag symbol instantly awards the cash prize below it. Revealing a 5x or 10x symbol multiplies the winnings accordingly. Tickets in New York are $5 each (while a version in Michigan costs $2 each, with lower payouts). The player...

  My favorite Michael Bay film…since I don’t remember The Rock. I know, I’m as surprised as you...

You probably missed it. Distributors offered us lots of reasons to go shopping on Record Store Day Saturday, including special limited edition vinyl releases by everybody from Bob Dylan to Brian Eno to Pink Floyd to Willie Nelson. Did you support your local mom & pop record store? Does your city still have one to support? Chi Cheng, bassist for the Deftones, has died. He was 42. A 2008 car accident left him in a coma, and although he showed signs of improvement over the years, he never fully recuperated. Rest in peace, Chi. Also, farewell to album cover artist Storm Thorgerson, who passed away Thursday. One of the greatest artists to ever focus on cover art, Thorgerson’s portfolio includes the majority of the Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin catalogues, as well as work for Peter Gabriel, Muse, the Mars Volta and many others. The first Ozzy fronted Black Sabbath album in over 30 years is being released in the U.S. June 11th. Titled 13, the original lineup is in full swing, with the exception of a new drummer (Brad Wilk from Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave.) A full U.S. tour is also in the works. Rumor has it that the Rolling Stones U.S. dates that just went on sale will be their last. If my sources are correct, and seeing the Stones is on your bucket list, I’d encourage you to pony up that extra couple of hundred bucks and buy those tickets. Summer festival season is upon us, and I am writing this as I pack my bags for this weekend’s second round of Coachella 2013. Headliners include Blur, the Stone Roses, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Wu Tang Clan, Phoenix, the xx, and Sigur Ros. Full report next week,...

This clever infographic breaks down how and why we humans are afraid of the dark. Spoiler: It may be wired into our genetic code to fell unsettled in the dark. [via...

London, UK – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Backed by a band of certified godless musicians, famed biologist and outspoken freethinker Richard Dawkins is currently recording a cover album of popular songs with atheist-approved lyrics aimed at eliminating religious concepts in well-known arrangements. “Music is one of the ways the dangerous meme of religion infects our brain,” remarked Dawkins from his London recording studio. “I want to attack that meme by correctly identifying the metaphorical poisons found in the words.” The first single to be released from the upcoming album is a cover of Bon Jovi’s hit Livin’ on a Prayer with a prayer replaced by An Inconsequential Wish. “The idea that an omnipotent God exists and can be concerned by a human plea of any kind is beneath us as a species.” Dawkins says he got the idea while listening to Seasons of Love from the soundtrack to the musical Rent. “One refrain contends that love is a gift from up above. If that’s true then so is AIDS. Religious explanations for adapted biological instincts of social kinship should not be tolerated by thinking individuals.” As far as his singing voice, Dawkins plans on utilizing an auto-tuning device to help him stay in key. “I wasn’t blessed with…oh dear, please don’t print that…I wasn’t given as highly an evolved set of vocal chords as my fellow primates.” Below is a tentative track listing: 1. Livin’ On A Prayer / Livin’ On An Inconsequential Wish 2. Sympathy For The Devil / Sympathy For The Mythological Counterpart To The Israelite War God YHWH 3. Stairway To Heaven / Stairway To The Fanciful Realm Of Eternal Adulation For A Supreme Dictator 4. Proud Mary / Proud Jewish Woman Erroneously Attributed To Birthing The Fabricated Third Incarnation Of...

I don’t use Dove products, but this wonderful ad makes me want to. Pass it on to all the women you know who are more beautiful than they think. [via...

I was intrigued by the movie, We Need to Talk About Kevin. It had an interesting premise: a mother has to cope in the aftermath of her son’s shooting rampage at his school. Ezra Miller creeped me out as the young psychopath and you could feel the unrelenting war between him as his mother, Eva (Tilda Swilton). I made a mental note to read the novel one of these days when I had some free time (ha!!!). This past weekend I decided to purchase the Kindle version. The Kindle app on my smart phone has made me more of a voracious reader than ever. Gone are the days of waiting for a book to come in the mail from Amazon. Gone are the days of racing out excitedly to the Barnes and Noble and spending more than I expected to.  I love my books. I love them. Now with Kindle, I can gorge myself on them again and again. The novel, We Need to Talk About Kevin is a collection of letters from Eva to her husband and Kevin’s father, Franklin. We learn through the letters that Kevin has just murdered a number of his classmates and a teacher. In the beginning of the novel, it is clear that Eva and Franklin have separated and Eva alone has to deal with the fallout of Kevin’s actions. Eva not only has to deal with the media scrutiny and the wrath of the parents who have lost their children because of her son. Eva examines her life in an attempt to understand her son and her responsibility for who he is. We learn that Eva was the successful travel guide publisher who travelled the world before she was married and gave birth to Kevin at 37.  We learn that Kevin was born a difficult child...

Phillip Light asks, “What if all Disney Princesses were sloths?” and gives us the answers to that question in the form of some rather cute and delightful artwork. [via The Mary...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin A last-minute grassroots movement by New York Jets’ fans awarded Mark Sanchez the cover of popular NFL video game Madden 2013. Until this morning, Barry Sanders and Adrian Peterson were battling for the honor but Jets’ fans flooded the voting system with an unprecedented wave of support for their maligned quarterback. Etrick Sims, devoted fan and organizer of the coup, noted it wasn’t hard to garner the needed support. “Even I was in favor of giving the guy a break, but the [expletive deleted] Buttfumble…Jesus Christ. Since management doesn’t seem interested in replacing him, we had to take drastic measures.” Drastic measures in this case comes in the form of invoking what’s come to be known as “The Madden Curse.” For different reasons, since the mid-2000’s, many of the recipients of the Madden cover have suffered either a serious injury or a let-down the following season. “We don’t wish any serious harm on the guy, just a nagging sprain or a light fracture, something like that.” Image Credit: NY Daily...

So as it turns out, emotional tears are kinda fascinating. First of all, they’re exclusive to humans, and second of all, they’re technically a survival mechanism, in that you’re way less likely to get killed if you’re crying. Who knew? Anyway, find out more about why we cry below. [via...

Dear Dr. Miro, Why is it that EVERY time my partner & I make love he wants me to give him oral (and I do!) but he seldom returns the favor. We do it at least four times a week and my boyfriend only goes down on me twice a month at the most! What should I do? Shouldn’t he KNOW this is unfair? Sincerely, Not Just Another Giver Dear NJAG, Sounds like he is communicating his needs and perhaps you need to learn how to express yours. Boyfriend may be under the impression that all is well in your sex life. Since you did not mention whether or not you have discussed this with him, I will assume you have not. It is that idea of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. It would be a wonderful world if our lovers all knew intuitively exactly what we wanted them to do but that is not the way it is. In order to get what you want, you must ask for it. How great you are such an accommodating partner but it is only building ill feelings if you are not being pleased in the way(s) you wish. I would venture to guess if your BF was aware of these feelings of injustice he would step up his game. Speak to him directly about how you would really like to have him go down on you more often. Have a conversation in which you firmly state your desires – no wishy washy ‘uhm, it would kind of be sort of nice if you would consider…’ type nonsense. Just come out and say what YOU want without accusations or tip toeing. Of course, there is the possibility your man may not enjoy “returning the favor”....

[via GalleyCat] FIGHT CLUB and CHOKE novelist Chuck Palahniuk answered reader questions on Reddit this week. When one reader wrote “It’s rare for a writer’s first book to be as successful as Fight Club was,” Palahniuk clarified and shared some inspiring insight into his career: Please let me address a misperception. ‘Fight Club’ was a huge failure. Most of the hardcovers were going to be pulped. They were unsold when the movie opened… and then the movie was a flop. It has taken years ( decades ) for the story to build an audience. What’s amazing is that it still resonates for young readers; it’s never become dated. ( he shakes his head in disbelief...

Kansas City, MO – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Following the lead of Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck’s notion that water should be privatized, Hallmark CEO Horatio Alton included human emotions denoting affection, loyalty and compassion as privileges better left managed by corporate interests. “Look at all the love we waste in the United States alone. Unrequited feelings for one’s partner. Selfless generosity for ungrateful children. Heck, the amount of endearment exhausted on cats is proof enough that people cannot be trusted to dispense of love effectively.” Alton’s remarks come on the eve of Hallmark’s new lobbying effort to anoint itself as the only qualified arbiter of adoration. “We’ve put in place a fee-for-service paradigm that maximizes offering and acceptance ratios, coordinates infatuation, outlaws feline domesticity and guarantees efficient distribution of sentiment, fondness and gratitude.” If adopted into law, citizens will be required to consult with Hallmark representatives prior to expressions of positivity, as well as purchase all forms of said expressions through Hallmark and Hallmark-related subsidiaries. “We’re proud to be at the forefront of ending the socialist stranglehold on affection through loving, government-mandated free market privatization schemes.” Image Credit:...

My inner five-year-old totally approves of this “How Animals Eat Their Food” video, especially the lizard and flamingo–seriously, I was cracking up. [h/t...

If you like Disney Princesses and you like rings, then man, have I got a heads up for you. Click through to Fashionably Geek to see more Disney-Princess-inspired rings and to buy one if you so wish–they range from $400-$5000. P.S. Wouldn’t it have been funny/clever if the Mulan ring inscription had been, “Be a man!” [via Fashionably...

Washington, DC – Monday By Joshua Mauldin A Justice Department official announced this morning that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the nineteen-year-old suspected of carrying out the marathon bombings in Boston last week, will be declared an Intergalactic Alien. The announcement comes as a response to criticism of the department’s denial of Miranda Rights for Tsarnaev. “We understand the constitutional problems in withholding certain rights for naturalized citizens, no matter how dispicable,” said the official, “and we’re tired of ignoring military treaty regulations that prevent us from coercively interrogating enemy combatants. We’ve decided to classify him in a way that best absolves us from legal ramifications.” Declaring Tsarnaev an Intergalactic Alien allows the Justice Department to forgo all forms of due process and hold the suspect without charges indefinitely, under any conditions it so chooses. “Do you remember that scene in Independence Day when Will Smith punched that slimy alien bastard in the face? No one objected to that. All we’re doing in this case is welcoming Tsarnaev to Earth.” When asked if making exceptions to constitutional protections whenever they feel like it waters a citizen’s right down to a suggestion, the official shrugged. “Probably, who cares? Google ‘Patriot Act’ and see how interested this country is in that question.” Image Credit:...

I don’t know why everyone’s so impressed with this chyck’s jump roping skills, I can totally do that. (Okay, no I totally can’t and Adrienn Banhegyi is actually quite cool). [via The Mary...

New Introduction- April 22, 2013 (you can also just read this part. I won’t be hurt. I swear. You bastard.) This past weekend. the NBA Playoffs started off with a bang! By which I don’t mean that there was a horrible terrorist attack during a playoff game but rather that there were a large number of reasonably exciting games over the weekend. I really need to be more careful when speaking figuratively- have I learned nothing from CNN this week? I mean, come on CNN- did you really think it was a good idea to describe the scene in Watertown with “It’s as though a bomb had dropped some where”?? That’s right up there with:  “This marathon man-hunt just came to a sudden, explosive end” and “The city of Boston is paralyzed today, like someone just blew both it’s legs off.” Congratulations – you win the coveted “WTF Award” from Wildly Inappropriate Metaphor Magazine- which breaks my streak of 20 consecutive weeks. Damn it!  I’m as angry a 19 year old Chechnyan terror suspect bleeding in a boat! By the way, did anyone guess that the Boston bombers were a couple of Chechnyan brothers? They totally busted my Marathon Bomber bracket. Seriously, they’re like the Wichita State of terrorists- I had them losing to Orange Haired Sociopath in the first round. I was positive that Crazy Red Faced White Guy with Camouflage Trucker Hat Who Makes the Word “Liberty” Seem Creepy and Gross was totally going to beat out Radicalized Saudi “Exchange Student” Who’s Taking Flight Lessons for Some Inexplicable Reason in the Finals. And speaking of loathsome scumbags, it was heartening to see just how quickly and decisively Congress responded to this attack by using it to derail Immigration Reform. Exploiting tragedy for...

Heyo! If you’re coming to this page from our home site, you’ll notice that we’re working on a new look for Fierce and Nerdy. So if you see something, you absolutely love, can’t stand, or feel is missing, please let us know. We hope to have the new design all firmed up by Monday. Meanwhile, here’s some good old-fashioned procrastination to get you through the weekend. Cheers! etc 1. Sad but true, here are 8 reasons you’ll probably never be able to upload your mind into a computer. The most interesting obstacles: the hard wall issue of transporting your consciousness into a new body and uh, how would we go about testing this ish out? [i09, “You’ll Probably Never Upload Your Mind Into a Computer] 2. I’m always complaining that not enough private vendors use/know about the Square payment device. But apparently Silicon Valley doesn’t have that issue. Even the sex workers there are using the clever device to accept payments these days!  [Gawker, “Sex Workers Are Using Square For Tech Clients and Business Is Soaring”] 3. Our friend Delia Hauser is doing pregnancy so much better than most–especially me. She’s even put together a genius system for keeping her and her husband in food and snacks for the first month (way harder than you think if you’ve never had kids). Definitely worth clicking through if you’ve got a baby on the way. [Martha Stalwart, “Frozen Food Month! (or two)”]  4. I love this list of Best Day Jobs for Screenwriters. Wish I’d had it when I moved out here to write. [GalleyCat, “What Are the Best Day Jobs For Writers?”] 5. Ugh! I promised myself that I’d never, ever seen another Ryan Reynolds movie after he chose the awful GREEN LANTERN stall out over the...

This may just be the funniest 30 seconds of TV you’ll ever see! I found this interview on the net a few months ago and it simply has to be shared. What should have been a story about an apartment fire, turns into comedy gold with this eyewitness. The 26 million people who have viewed this can’t be wrong! Sweet Brown escaped her apartment fire back in April 2012. The story aired on KFOR-TV, the NBC affiliate in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Since then, she has become an internet celebrity and has since appeared on local and national TV! And of course, there are several remixes: Not only has she appeared on Comedy Central’s Tosh.0, she was also named Jimmy Kimmel’s clip of the year!  But, she hasn’t stopped there.  She’s also had a toothache!  At least in this commercial for a local dentist office: All of this fame has taken her from Middle America all the way to Hollywood.  She now has an entire Youtube channel dedicated to her, featuring her various TV appearances and star meetings… that is, if you’ve got time for ‘dat! THE 411 Name: Sweet Brown What: Internet celebrity, thanks to an interview on the local news From: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma Youtube channel: SweetBrownTVJesus JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS: You’ve got to watch and share these videos! She’s hilarious and was able to turn a dark fire into pure comedy! Just remember, in this day and age, you never know what will get caught on camera and end up on the internet! You could become an overnight internet sensation, too! Hopefully, for the right reasons! If you liked this post, please do us the further boon of Liking the Fierce and Nerdy page on FaceBook. Also, we’re giving great stream on Twitter, so do give us...

Cambridge, MA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin James Exton, Professor of Theoretical Mathematics at MIT, announced this morning that he’s finally solved a puzzle that’s stumped mathematicians for years. “Flo Rida [the stage moniker of Tramar Lacel Dillard – pictured here shirtless while crushing an orange for some reason] is a diabolically clever ruse but I’m pretty sure I figured it out.” Exton says the notations are complicated and outside the understanding of not just laypersons but many professionals who work in his field. “Suffice it to say, the answer is important.” Important is an understatement. According to Exton, the letters F L O R I D A are actually mathematical symbols that correspond perfectly to an experimental theory detailing the complex framework of quantum mechanics. “To be blunt, Flo Rida is a map back to the Big Bang.” Given this revelation, a representative from Flo Rida’s Florida-based record label operating out of Florida released this statement from the state of Florida: “Mr. Rida was expecting to divulge this secret on his death bed, but the cat’s out of the bag. He would like to congratulate Professor Exton for his keen observation and impressive calculations. Well played, but this is just the...

So if you’re looking to creep folks out and you got at least $350 back from your tax refund, why not buy an ultra-realistic baby mask and then stroll around town? Pick up one HERE. [h/t Fashionably...

Fans of the HUNGER GAMES books will find it interesting to see that the film version will lay out plainly what could only be guessed at in the book: President Snow’s motivation/plan. Because really if you’ve got a great actor like Donald Sutherland, why not use him,...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin A white male in his early thirties, who calls himself a writer, admitted to friends earlier this week that he hasn’t seen one episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones. Despite confessing he’s watched at least twenty episodes of Restaurant Impossible and Chopped on The Food Network this last year, the man still hasn’t found time to catch up on a television show that all research indicates should appeal to him. “I’m sure it’s awesome, honestly, but episodic television like that is addictive,” the man said responding in anonymity to the suggestion he watch the first two seasons to catch up. “If I watch one, I have to watch the second and the next thing I know I’m wallowing in twenty-four hours worth of Red Bull cans, Cheetos’ dust and chinese take-out boxes.” Hadassah Bling, a marketing executive at HBO, says incidents like this are rare but not entirely without precedent. “Even though Game of Thrones is tailor made for him, he isn’t required to watch it. Not every progressive lesbian watches Rachel Maddow. Some people with an actual sense of humor occasionally tune in to Chelsea Lately. We did our job. We stuffed it full of sex, violence and freaking dragons, it’s not our fault he’s an...

Jimmy Carter is the only U.S. president to have completed at least one full term in office without making a nomination to the Supreme Court during his presidency.

Dear Dr. Miro, My girlfriend says she can’t cum with another person. Before you ask, YES! She does get off when she’s by herself but just not in front of anyone else or with anybody. I REALLY want to give her a big O but she gets too embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. (When I found her vibrator, she almost started crying!) I’m becoming kind of obsessed. I’ve always been able to make my girlfriend’s come. What do I do? Sincerely, Feeling Bad ‘Cos I Want to Please Dear FBCIWtP, First of all, back off of the idea of giving your girlfriend an orgasm as an ultimate goal. This has become about your self-esteem wrapped up in whether or not your lover can climax. It is understandable how you would want to help her have this ultimate pleasure as well as how this can injure your image of yourself. It is not about MAKING someone else have an orgasm. This needs to be re-framed as a journey of feeling good and comfortable rather than a goal that MUST be reached. Stop bugging her about it as she is obviously suffering severe stress and shame regarding her sexual pleasure. This is only going to create performance anxiety. Not only is she going to feel as if she is failing as a woman by not being able to do this thing that every magazine says she needs to do, your Lady is now having the double pressure of failing YOU. Imagine the stress she must be experiencing. Your prowess as a lover is not being reflected in whether or not your woman comes. Of course you want to help her have this experience. It is great news that not only is your...

You know when you shouldn’t do a thing, but you do it anyway? That’s how I feel about my reluctant but totally inevitable future viewing of THE HANGOVER III. Also, “I love cocaine!!!” Alrighty, trailer...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Rumors that Fox News contributor, former advisor to President George W. Bush and Satan’s most prized concubine had spontaneously combusted when the frothing fecal matter he’s composed of reached a critical mass, have been silenced by reporters this morning. ABC News correspondents found him alive and well at his Washington, DC office. “He was resting in a leather recliner sipping a glass of vintage, circa 2000 disenfranchised voter’s blood,” said ABC News Bureau Chief Hebron Fells. “At first we thought someone may have jammed eyeglasses on a walrus and propped it against the wall but no, it was him all right.” Americans are being advised to put away all celebratory items until that engorged excrement pinata finally does explode. “It’ll be any day now,” Fells went on to say. “No container can hold that much rotting refuse for long.” Image Credit: American Crossroads...

If you don’t have an extra $100-$150 lying around, don’t visit the MacklinMurals Etsy shop, because these custom-made shoes, which come in a variety of styles (including wedges, high heels, flats, and converse), are TOO DIE...

Listen to this brilliant version by one-man acapella phenom, Inhyeok Yeo. [via...

Dear Madam HR, I want to bring my dog to work, but my HR Department won’t let me. Why are they so mean? Dog Lover Yo Dog, Thanks Google—thanks for creating all these fun and friendly workplaces with all sorts of crazy perks like laundry machines and free food. Oh, and thanks too for telling the whole freaking world about them. I have a secret for you—shhhh! Don’t tell anyone—but you know why Google feeds all their employees a free dinner? Because it means that they’ll never go home, they’ll never leave the sparkling utopia of the Google “campus” (don’t even get me started on how much I hate it when companies call their buildings campuses) and trudge home to, I don’t know, see their kids, hug their wives, live a life that has nothing to do with Google, play with their dog. But wait, it’s brilliant, in that whole list, what was the one thing you actually wanted to do? See your kids? That’s exhausting! Hug your wife? She’s a hopeless nag! Who’s the family member you miss the most? Who’s the only one that lovey-dove-loves you no matter how many times you step on his tail or forget to give him water? (Note to my husband (Monsieur HR):I still contend that wasn’t my fault). So here’s the best part! Now you can bring him to work with you! It’s great, just you and him against the workday. Now you never have to go home, you can spend every waking moment of your life playing ping pong in the employee lounge, getting your clothes dry cleaned over and over, and playing with your dog. Oh, and working! Yes, don’t forget the working! Disclaimer: I have no idea if Google, in fact, allows their...

Pyongyang, NK – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin North Korea shocked the world this morning by announcing the release of a brand new technology capable of transporting a small nuclear weapon hundreds of miles without refueling. Speaking from the capital to a throng of cheering citizens, Press Security Ryong praised North Korean ingenuity and vision, noting it’s the only manned drone in the world. “Once again the DPRK is at the cutting edge of military technology. Unmanned drones have no pilot. Stupid.” Later, during a conference call with confused UN officials, Ryong backtracked. “No [expletive deleted] guys, it’s from the 1950’s. We keep our people so starved and uneducated they believe any load of elephant [expletive deleted] we tell them. It’s the beauty of a crushing facistic government. I can say whatever I want to you and it doesn’t matter because we control their only news source. I mean seriously, they literally don’t know the difference between a submarine and a submarine sandwich. Though Kim Jong-un sure as hell does, huh? AmIright? Crap, shouldn’t have said that. Oh Jesus. Well, it’s been fun guys. Please tell my wife I love…” UPDATE – Korean Central News Agency is reporting that Press Security Ryong tragically choked to death on a submarine sandwich. Western sources believe his wife has not been informed of his affection and expect her to have trouble swallowing a hoagie within the hour. Image Credit:...

Alabama uniquely observes Presidents Day as “Washington and Jefferson Day” even though Thomas Jefferson’s birthday is on April 13th.

Some fascinating stuff in here, especially if you’ve been living in fear of hair loss because your  mother’s father is as bald as an egg. [via...

Do you ever lose something, even something so small, and find that later it returns to you? I have this happen throughout my life and at times it feels like a miracle that it makes it’s way back to me! Here are some of my Lost and Found...

London, UK – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Morrissey’s new song won’t drop until the summer, but the former frontman of The Smiths isn’t waiting until then to open up about his whirlwind relationship with country superstar Taylor Swift. “She did to my emotions what Margaret Thatcher did to the Falklands,” lamented the 53-year-old crooner. “My mates told me to keep my guard around her but a bloke’s heart wants what it wants.” The two met at a charity event for homeless kittens and instantly hit it off. Things progressed naturally for two months until Morrissey bought a house in Nashville to be closer to her; a gesture Swift didn’t appreciate much. “She told me we were moving too fast. Being around me was brilliant and all but she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. I hope a doubledecker bus crashes into her.” Reached for comment, Swift shrugged and rolled her eyes, “Steven puts ridiculous expectations on his lovers to push them away so he can use the fake heartbreak to fuel his material. That crap plays well to his fans, I guess, but everyone else thinks it’s obnoxious. Good riddance.” Image Credit: The...

Hollywood, CA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin AccuraPoll, the company commissioned by major studios to set box office expectations, shocked the industry this morning by announcing that, despite having viewed the trailer, a small fraction of multicellular organisms plan to attend screenings of Scary Movie 5 this weekend. Davis Champlagne, chief executive in charge of tracking the franchise’s fifth installment, could hardly believe the news. “We expected this behavior from unicellular animals, dormant viruses already attached to the seats or bacteria floating in the theater air, but organisms capable of complex biological processes?” Further confusing the matter, AccuraPoll says homo sapiens, a highly evolved member of the Hominidae family, are the offending organisms. “We showed the trailer to cats, dogs, raccoons, lizards, bears, fruit flies, etc and always received one of two results: exasperated frustration or utter indifference.” Koko, a gorilla capable of understanding sign language, rolled her eyes through the first minute, mimicked a masturbation gesture through the second and upon recognizing both Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, vigorously hurled feces at the screen. With a reaction like that in gorillas, fellow hominids should naturally follow suit, but not all of them did. “A small portion chuckled, a few even laughed. We really don’t know what to make of it.” Champlagne says that although their predictions are mostly accurate, they don’t always come to fruition. “We saw a similar phenomenon with The Host earlier this year but it turned out to be an error in data collection. Let’s hope we’re wrong about Scary Movie 5...

I’M THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE! She certainly is! Not only is she queen of the courtroom, she also the queen of daytime TV! Judge Judith Sheindlin’s ruled her TV court for 17 seasons and now she’s getting into the casino business! Introducing the Judge Judy slot machine! Oh yes – this is certainly real! Judge Judy passed the New York State bar in 1965 and was a prosecutor in family court. She was promoted to judge by Mayor Ed Koch in 1982, first to criminal court, then back to family court. Her no-nonsense attitude on the bench caught the eye of the Los Angeles Times in 1993. Followed up by a special profile on 60 Minutes, producers approached her to host her own court show with real cases and real rulings. After tooling with several names including Hot Bench and Judy Justice, Judge Judy hit the daytime TV airwaves on September 16, 1996. The show, which airs on local stations in various time slots, quickly clicked with viewers. Her “Judyisms” or snide phrases she uses to call out the litigants on the bench, have become part of American cannon. A few of these include: “I’m the boss, applesauce.” “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” “Do I have ‘stupid’ written on my forehead?” The show features real cases that are taken from civil court disputes around the country. Researchers for the show scour upcoming court appointments and select cases that they feel will make good television. In order to appear on the show, both parties sign a waver, agreeing to be bound by Judy’s ruling. Technically, the show is not an official court, but “binding arbitration,” although the set and dressing appear to make the show a traditional court. Any funds that Judy orders to be paid are not actually paid...

Santa Monica, CA – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock. featured image credit: danny...

How super-frickin-awesome is the Godzilla belt buckle??? Absolutely perfect for stomping around a major metropolis, right?! And I can’t even get over the anatomy detail. Pick one up for a very reasonable $19 at the reaganflegan Etsy...

Mobile, AL – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin Alabama Republican, Anderson Smoo, proposed a bill in the state legislature Thursday that seeks to establish the beginning of life when a woman imbibes a second beer, cocktail or glass of wine. Personhood measures are popular in conservative states these days but Smoo doesn’t think they go far enough. “Those measures are all well and good but we need to nip the real causes of abortion in the bud before that conversation happens.” Smoo believes that, “no self-respectin” woman has more than one drink unless she’s trying to silence her inhibitions, inhibitions that often lead to conception. “Drunk women are the number one cause of unwanted pregnancies. I don’t have any fancy studies to back that up but everyone knows it’s true.” Critics point out that this bill has nothing to do with abortion and everything to do with Smoo’s daughter not using protection with a friend of a friend after succombing to inebriation. “If I can save other fathers from the shame and embarrassment that she’s caused me then you’re damn right I’m going to. I can’t walk into church without hearin’ snickers.” Women’s rights activists criticised Smoo further for enacting nonsensical legislation to “comfort the bruising of his misguided ego” instead of seeking prosecution for what was most likely rape. “Men try to get laid, can’t blame ’em for that. Lord knows I’ve done my share of greasin’ a lady’s wheels in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I wanna kill him, but if Jennifer had kept her damn legs closed this disgrace never would’ve happened. I did not raise her to be a [expletive deleted] whore.” With a small majority of middle-aged men with daughters in the legislature, analysts predict the bill to...

There are lies, regular goddamn lies, and then the things people tell you about having a baby. Whether it’s a relative, a cashier, somebody else’s grandma, a stranger on the street or a fellow parent at the park, it doesn’t matter; they will tell you something about parenting or babies and they will say it with such conviction and authority that when you hear it over and over again you will begin to believe them, regardless of the overwhelming anecdotal evidence available to you in your own everyday life. Before you believe their lies and go down a path you cannot come back from I urge you to consider these commonly held baby myths and watch me destroy them. 1. Sleeping Like a Baby: Whoever thought up this phrase should be shot. Or, forced to sleep next to a baby or two for a couple of months. Babies don’t sleep like babies unless you mean for a couple of hours at a time with a pacifier in their mouth and being gently rocked by a loving grandparent. I would love to sleep like that, although I don’t think my grandparents, were they still alive, had the requisite strength to hoist this big boy in their laps for a split second, let alone a couple of hours. Of course, if you mean do I wake up scared and/or hungry every couple of hours, then yes, I’m sleeping like baby thank you very much. 2. You Will Become a Morning Person: No you will not. You will get up in the morning. In fact you will get up in the middle of the night. Does this make you a middle of the night person? No. You will get up in the morning because your baby or...

…watch this video from the Anti-Defamation League, which imagines a world in which some of our greatest martyrs actually got to live out their lives. So incredibly moving, and a good reminder of how important it is to teach our children not to harbor or abide...

Anderson, KY – 9:30am PST By Joshua Mauldin Genesisland, the oldest creationist museum in the United States will close its doors Friday for the first time since opening in 1953. Burt Winegaard, owner and operator for the past 30 years cites the popularity of God’s Plan, a brand new museum four miles east as the reason. “You have to be able to evol…err, change to be able to compete, we couldn’t do it.” God’s Plan is a five-story museum and theme park boasting a fully interactive Young-Earth experience. “They’ve got talking robotic brontosauruses to illustrate man’s relationship with dinosaurs, our mute, stationary ones are no match for that.” This isn’t the first time Genesisland has been challenged by a competing museum. “Ten years ago when Bibletown opened up I thought we were finished. Back then we had basic illustrations, shirts, a few dolls, nothing as good as them. Fortunately for us, at the last minute we got an unexpected grant from a mega-church to upgrade our facilities.” With the assistance of that random investment, Winegaard was able to weather Bibletown‘s threat and ultimately put them out of business. “We were hoping for another lucky break, oh well. Everything happens for a reason, just wish I knew what that reason was.” featured image credit: Kaptain...

According to the Behavorial Insights Team of the British goverment 90% of UK citizens pay their annual income taxes on time.

Tacoma, WA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin A three-year study by the advocacy group Center For Cannabis Justice concluded Wednesday that people who report panic attacks and other heightened levels of anxiety from THC have simply not been exposed to the substance correctly. Lead researcher and amateur musician/philosopher Trip Bongmaster, who legally changed his name from Trent Burmaster in 2009, believes his group’s findings have proven that when done right, marijuana can be nothing but good times. “In every one of our trials, participants who reported harsh trips in the past had a killer high when placed on an old couch in a sparsely lit room with ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ leading the way.” Bongmaster blames pharmaceutical companies for intentionally perpetuating misinformation on the potential for paranoia with THC use. “That’s what they’re all about. They want to keep us hooked on Xanax and Prozac so they can make record profits and turn us into to mindless robots. Don’t smoke weed, it’ll make you freak out, take our lab poison instead. And it doesn’t stop there. It goes way deeper than that.” Those interested in finding out just how deep it goes are invited to attend the next Center For Cannabis Justice meeting possibly this Saturday, depends on, you know, what’s up in the air this weekend. featured image credit: Torben Bjorn...

Dear Dr. Miro, This isn’t really a sex question but it is because it’s affecting my sex life. My boyfriend keeps getting angry at me every time I try to help him with anything. All I do is offer my opinion and he says that I need to get off his back or that I’m being a nag. I don’t get it. I thought we were supposed to be a team but whenever I try to do stuff with him he gets annoyed. We can’t even wash the dishes together! He has become almost totally turned off and avoids me or makes a huffy noise when he sees me coming toward him claiming that he’s now just waiting to hear how he’s doing something wrong. We love each other very much but now he isn’t as interested in me sexually. Worrying about it seems to make everything worse and awkward. Sincerely, Guy Who Wants to Stand By His Man Dear GWWtSBHM, One of the best pieces of advice I have heard was, “Just because you know the right way to do something, does not mean you have to let everyone else know.” Sometimes, when offering unsolicited advice, the person you are trying to assist will interpret this as An Interference. And in essence, you are interfering with his flow! Whatever it was he was doing before you stepped in was going fine and if it was not he would have, hopefully, asked for your guidance. It may not have been the way YOU would have done it but that is part of releasing control and allowing others to be themselves. The idea of being in a partnership requires you to have faith that your significant other is capable of making decisions on his or...

It’s Wednesday, and if you’re anything like me, that means that your week, which started off all nice and shiny is already completely out of control. So here’s some advice on how to hack your to do list from David Allen, the author of GETTING THINGS DONE (which is literally on my ToDo list to read…but I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet [sheepish grin]). [h/t...

Rocksville, AR – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Arkansas Facebook servers crashed for seventeen seconds this morning when a Rocksville resident wrote an unrecognizable sequence of letters in the comment section of his son’s page. “I’ve argued about gay marriage with David for years, ” said Kenneth Wilton, a 43-year-old previous proponent of traditional values, “but the meme he posted forced me to realize my views were based more in emotion than logic.” When Wilton wrote, “You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry” on the meme thread, the words caused a glitch in Facebook’s programming design. Gwen Halpern, Technical Director in charge of the momentary crash, admitted the Facebook framework wasn’t prepared for that specific phrase to inputted. “Quite frankly, we’ve never seen this happen before. Facebook was designed for people of opposing views to argue back and forth until one person gives up, planning for phrases of contrition seemed unnecessary.” Though the servers recovered shortly after crashing, a long term fix for the issue has yet to be implemented. “We’re working on it but it’s not a priority. Mr. Wilton’s change of heart is most likely an anomaly.” featured image credit: Franco...

Because… well, why not? Click on the pic to make it bigger. [h/t LikeCool via I Love...

… courtesy of the Danish reality show, DUMT & FARLIGT, which translates to “Stupid & Dangerous.” So of course the below video is fascinating. [h/t i09, “Watch what happens when you light 60,000 matches...

Before becoming involved in politics Margaret Thatcher was a research chemist for J. Lyons and Co. developing an emulsifier for ice cream.

OK- I’ve got a question for you: Do you watch The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon? If you answered “yes” – then I’ve got a follow up question: What is the absolute worst show that you currently watch on television? If you didn’t answer “Why, The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon, of course.” Then I can only draw three possible conclusions about you: You’re wrong You’re crazy You’re Kevin Bacon Now, if you are Kevin Bacon- then welcome! I hope you’ll enjoy California Seething – please feel free to tweet about it? Do you tweet? Do people follow you? Why???? I mean, no offense, but why would anyone possibly care what you have to say about anything? Are people’s lives that empty and meaningless that they have to be like “Oh my God, North Korea has nuclear weapons. What does the kid from Footloose have to say about that?” or “Oh no. Roger Ebert just died. Maybe Kyra Sedgewick’s squeeze can offer me some solace.” I mean, you know, no offense. I loved you in Flatliners, A Few Good Men and Murder in the First. I mean, I didn’t love your acting ‘cause, come on, that’s terrible. You’re just another second rate 80’s Tiger Beat, James Dean wannabe who does the “I’m kind of a dick ‘cause I’m misunderstood” thing, like a less interesting Kiefer Sutherland or a less dead Corey Haim. But the fact that I knew that you were IN those movies- well, that was fantastic for me. Come on- Kevin Bacon to Debra Winger: Kevin Bacon – Julia Roberts- Richard Gere- Debra Winger. BOOM. Kevin Bacon to Humphrey Bogart: Kevin Bacon – Kevin Pollak – Walter Matthau – Audrey Hepburn- Humphrey Bogart- BRING IT BITCHEZ! Kevin Bacon to Me –...

Just in case you needed some happy thoughts to get you through the work week, here’s “The Science of Aging” by ASAP Science.

“No one ever erected a statue in honor of a critic.” Whenever I hear that quote from now on, I’ll think of Roger Ebert, who finished this lifetime yesterday and should definitely have a statue put up in honor of his brilliant, brilliant mind. I wish he could have stayed with us forever. That all honored, let’s procrastinate on this: 1. Speaking of brilliant minds, soon-to-be-mom Delia Hauser from Martha Stalwart pointed out to me that I needn’t have bought an expensive pumping bra. I could just cut two holes in an old running bra and voila, hands-free pumping. I tried this at home, and I won’t post a pic, but I will say it totally worked! So heads up to other pumping moms. 2. As someone who just had to use our emergency fund to pay a much higher than expected tax bill, I loved this friendly reminder about how it’s more important to build your emergency fund than pay off all your debt. [The Simple Dollar] 3. I also loved, loved, loved this defense of using current music in historical movies, citing the peasants rocking out to “We Will Rock You” in the (in my opinion) way underappreciated A KNIGHT’S TALE: Imagine if this scene had had music that was appropriate to the period. It would sound to our modern ears like ye olde lute music, and would result in a kind of Disneyland feeling. But by using Queen’s anthem “We Will Rock You,” and incorporating it into the action (the peasants are actually clapping and singing along), we are suddenly electrified with the knowledge of what a jousting event really would have been like in the 1400s. It was a fucking rock show, people. It was not ye olde dancing and funny...

MOVE YOUR ASS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU #$%&! DONUT?!?! No, I didn’t hear any fun expletives from the fiery host of the Hell’s Kitchen TV series, but I got to sample his world famous cuisine at his new restaurant Gordon Ramsay Pub & Grill. The question is – does his food live up to his reputation? Keep on reading to find out! Chef Gordon Ramsay has been the host of Hell’s Kitchen on FOX since 2005, when the show moved across the pond to the United States. Created by Ramsay, the show aired live and with a different format in the United Kingdom, a year earlier. Ramsay, a British chef, restaurateur, and television personality actually started his adult life with dreams of becoming a football player. After a serious knee injury, Ramsay focused on his second love – cooking. By age 26, Ramsay began running several high profile restaurant kitchens and continued his culinary education with each step. Eventually, he became a partner in a London restaurant, where he would earn his first two Michelin Stars. Michelin Stars are awarded to restaurants based on the quality of the food and if the restaurant is worth making a special trip to.  Getting a star is rare and there are only 81 three star restaurants in the world. After Ramsay earned those first two, he ventured on his own, quickly began expanding his cooking empire, and earned himself a total of 15 stars. Known for his short temper, flying expletives, and no-nonsense perfection; Ramsay began appearing on television in the UK starting in 1998. FOX executives liked his style and brought him to American TV.  In 2006, he opened his first US restaurant in New York City. He also created and produced a number of other cooking related, shows both here and internationally....

So please quit discriminating against the Dark Knight, ya’ll. [h/t We Know...

Do you understand what existentialism is? I mean, really-really understand, not just sorta of understand? If so, then you’ll find the below video, “Explain Like I’m Five” by Reddit, rather funny. If not, then you’ll find it rather informative. Either way, win-win, so go’on ahead and watch it. [h/t...

My mom used to do a thing she called “Silly Smorgasbord.” She’d raid the refrigerator for leftovers and the cabinets for quick items she could skid out onto the table to cobble up a dinner for my stepbrothers and me. That might sound like a lesser meal plan, but I always loved silly smorgasbord. I loved the name. And I loved the assortment of tastes and surprises. Some of my favorite dinners were silly smorgasbord. So for this installment of Hippie Squared I raided the pages of my journal and plated some recent rough draft riffs on a smorgasbord of topics. By way of preparation, I marinated a couple in their own juices, then set them to simmer at a slow rolling boil. (Say that three times fast.) I set one on the windowsill to cool. I trimmed the crust off one. Added a dash of hot sauce here, a sprinkle of cheese over there. Had fun makin’ it. Hope you enjoy it. Let’s riff on gay marriage for a minute: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…” and on into the inalienable rights part—that’s basically the Mission Statement for our country. It’s not in the Constitution. It’s from the Declaration of Independence. Which means there’s debate about whether it even carries the force of law. But it carries a heaping freight of moral force, doesn’t it? And in a way it’s a challenge issued to history by Tom Jefferson, John Adams and Ben Franklin—the committee who wrote it—and all the other guys who signed it—that has resounded down the decades and around the world and back. All the ways we’ve fallen short of that challenge. All the ways those men fell short of that challenge—most of them...

In other news, I hate when I so nail a title that I have nothing left to say in the introduction. Ah, well… [h/t LifeHacker] click on the image to make it...

“How Big Is the Universe” by Minutephysics explains the difference between the Universe-Universe, the Observable Universe and the Actual Possibly Infinite Universe. In poetic terms, we know a whole lot more about the universe today than we knew yesterday but not nearly as much as we’ll know tomorrow. This will all makes sense if you take five minutes to watch the below video. [h/t...

  Mac and cheese is pretty irreplaceable as far as comfort foods go. Something about the combination of starch and fat hits a pleasure center in the brain like nothing else. There was a three-month depressive period in my life when I made it every week and gained 25 pounds. After that I stopped making it all together and now only eat Grandma’s mac and cheese on rare occasions. In between meals at Grandma’s, I make this light quinoa and cheese recipe. Quinoa Mac and Cheese Courtesy of www.monimeals.com Ingredients 2 tsp olive oil 1 med. leek white and pale green parts halved and sliced (1 cup) 1/2 cup diced tomato, or red/green pepper 1 1/2 cups quinoa, rinsed and drained good pinch of salt a few grinds of pepper 2 cloves garlic, minced 3 cups of water (or stock) 2 large eggs 1 cup soy milk, non-fat milk, or milk of choice 1 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese, more for sprinkling Optional- Crushed Red Pepper, Panko Bread crumbs for topping Toppings (optional)- salsa, hot sauce, sour cream, scallions Directions Heat oil in medium saucepan over medium heat. Add leek and tomatoes; cover and cook 5 minutes or until tender. Stir in quinoa and garlic, and cook uncovered 3-4 minutes, or until grains start to turn opaque.  (They will not fully be cooked yet.) Add 3 cups water (or stock) and season with salt and pepper.  Cover and reduce heat to med-low and simmer 15-20 minutes or until most of the liquid has been absorbed. Remove from heat and let stand 5 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 F. Coat 13×9 inch dish with cooking spray. Whisk together eggs and milk in large bowl. Fold in quinoa mixture and cheese.  Stir very well and let some of the cheese...

Um, do I really have to explain why these belly tattoos are beyond awesome? I don’t think so. I’ll just say that you can pick them up for $8 a FredFlare.com. [h/t Fashionably Geek]...

In the habit of hitting that snooze button? Seriously, you need to stop, because it’s only going to make you sleepier and less productive. ASAP Science explains why the snooze button is actually ruining your day. [h/t...

Dear Mme. HR, I have a chronic health condition which requires me to see doctors regularly during the day. My boss is totally unsympathetic and even though I’m supposed to be exempt, she’s trying to make me track all these appointments as sick hours. Do I have to do that? I thought being exempt meant they couldn’t track my time? Plus I’m always working events on nights and weekends so shouldn’t they pay me OT if they’re gonna make me track sick hours? I tried talking to her but she just flew of the handle about it and the HR Department at my company is totally unhelpful. What should I do? Boss Makes Me Sick Dear Sick, Your letter has caused me to reflect a little on what I often don’t, and that, my friends, is that the “H” in “HR” stands for human. Then how ironic is it that sometimes it seems there is nothing human about what we do? And, dear readers, if there is anyone out there who is a dyed in the wool, hard core, pant suit wearing, spunky short hairdo HR professional, and I’ve just offended you and the cat poster on your wall, then all I can say is: I’ve just offended you now? Where have you been the past year? Please, go back and read my other posts, please, my self-esteem likes to see them pop up in the FaN top 5. In these types of situations I always ask myself, what are we afraid of by doing the right thing for the employee? Are we afraid that you aren’t really sick and you’re just scamming us into taking lots of afternoons off? Are we afraid of setting a precedent in the company and now everyone wants...

Psyche!!!! No, you’re not. None of us are. See the below infographic, sucker. You probably don’t even have a gas mask, martial arts training, or any prostitution charges, dentistry, or gunsmithing on your resume. Just go ahead an yuk it up today, because if anything big goes down, you’re totally dead, dude. [via National...

I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out if this was an April Fool’s Day prank, but from what I can tell it isn’t. In fact here are some FAQ’s about Scope Bacon from the Scope site itself: Does Scope Bacon make my breath smell like bacon? No. Scope Bacon just tastes like bacon while you swish, but leaves your breath smelling minty fresh 5 times longer than brushing alone. Is Scope Bacon a sufficient replacement for my breakfast? No. Scope Bacon contains zero nutritional value and does not serve as an acceptable substitute for food. Should I use Scope Bacon before or after breakfast? We recommend using Scope Bacon after breakfast. Does Scope Bacon contain real bacon? No. No pigs are harmed during the making of Scope Bacon. The bacon taste you’ll find in Scope Bacon is a perfectly healthy synthetic flavoring. How is Scope Bacon made? A synthetic bacon flavoring is infused in the unflavored mouthwash formula at a specific time in the manufacturing process. File this under: “We’ve Gone Too Far.” God save us all…...