Are Israeli Contractors Worse than Flying Sharks? Discuss. [California Seething]

I really meant to write about my bathroom renovation this week – offering witty insights and wise advice to anyone brave and foolish enough to trust an Israeli contractor with their money and a wet saw. Something other home owners could read, relate to and maybe even learn a little something from. But then I figured, fuck it, I’ll just write about Sharknado which, I think we all agree, is the finest LA movie since Chinatown. Maybe even better – as we can see from the comparison below:   Sharknado Chinatown Flying Sharks Yes No Ian Ziering Yes No Chainsaw Yes No Complex and thought provoking noir tale of rapacious greed,...

I Live My Life One Quarter Mile Walk at a Time – The One Summer Movie I Actually Bothered to S...

Oh, to be Vin Diesel! Oh, to be a Big, Bald, American Male who Drives FAST, Kicks ASS and Speaks only in APH…orisms. OK, so, sure if you take my BMI, Passport and Genitalia’s word for it – I am, strictly speaking, a Big American Male. Incidentally – any connection between the words “Big” and “my genitalia” is strictly coincidental or intended for entertainment purposes only.  I mean, come on – a big hairy Jew with an itty-bitty pecker – now that’s comedy! It’s like an angry purple mushroom poking out of the undergrowth or a Smurf’s house in Gargamel’s forest.  You may not know this, by the way, but Gargamel and...

How to Write a Summer Movie Preview Without Even Trying [California Seething]

Look, if you’re a fairly intelligent person, it’s not that impressive to be an A student. I mean, big deal, all you’ve got to do is study all the time and work really, really hard. Easy. I’ve never been all that impressed by A students. In fact, there’s a name for those poor saps who studied all the time in college while I was out having the time of my life. It starts with SUC and I bet you can guess what the rest is. That’s right – SUCcessful doctors and lawyers. CRAP! I ruined my life. Alright, so, aside from the substantially improved likelihood of wealth, success, prestige, respectability and the sort of job where, when you wear a...

The Big Seethe [California Seething]

The rantings of a non-driving theatre professional living in altogether the wrong city. I’ve been reading Raymond Chandler recently and he’s inspired me to try and better describe L.A. This is much better than what happened when I first read Raymond Chandler in Middle School and he inspired me to become a Private Detective. And by, “become a Private Detective” what I really mean is open up my own Encyclopedia Brown-style detective agency in the backyard of my parents’ house. Turns out, though, that much like Free to Be You and Me and the Bible, the Encyclopedia Brown books had some very misleading ideas about life and the backyard of a...

Seething in Seattle [California Seething]

So, last week I left the comfy, drought-ridden, hazy and slightly scorched confines of my Los Angeles home for the moist, green landscape and bright clean air of Seattle and other random bits of Washington State. Now, you probably think I heart Seattle. Or looove it. Or lurve it. Lurve – is that a thing? Do the kids say “lurve”? Are the kids that dumb? I mean, I know they’re dumb cause they’re The Kids and the whole purpose of the next generation is for them to be dumber than we were so we don’t feel so bad about ourselves for getting old and not understanding their music or clothes or YouTube videos or the Instagram GET OFF MY LAWN!...

Nobody Could Possibly Have This Much to Say (I Don’t Mean Me- I’m Talking About SportsCenter) [Calif...

Real Grown-Ups watch the news in the morning. They eat their bran cereal and take their multivitamins and shake their heads gravely as blandly attractive idiots on TV tell them with a smile that the world is a violent horrible mess, but the weather at the beach will be great this weekend! (the UV Index will be high in the Valley, though, so parents, keep you kids inside! Protect them from the dangers of sunlight, peanuts, germs and human contact, and make sure they grow up to be safe, healthy sociopaths. I shouldn’t single out parents, though. We’re all responsible for the next generation; it takes a village to alienate a school shooter.)...