Fiercely Anticipating – God Bless America

Bobcat Goldthwait’s widely ignored gem, World’s Greatest Dad, was a scalpel-precise dissection of postmortem celebrity. Robin Williams plays a struggling English teacher who, after discovering the accidental auto-erotic suffocation of his misanthropic son, authors a bogus diary in his progeny’s name. Believing the pseudepigripha to be genuine, the school (and subsequently the media) turns him into a martyred prophet. Students who didn’t know his name are now wearing shirts with his picture on it – quoting his diary like scripture. As the meme spreads out of control, Williams has to decide whether to keep feeding the lie or admit the falsehood and destroy his newly attained writing career. Poignant, ironic and hilarious, World’s Greatest Dad was probably the best comedy, as well as one of the best films of 2009. That Old Dogs, another Robin Williams’ starring vehicle from that year, out-grossed it $96M to $221K (or 436 to 1 according to Boxofficemojo) while posting an abysmal Tomatometer rating of 5% to WGD’s 89% is, as *Ghandi so succinctly put it, “A Goddamn, motherfucking shame.” Viewing the trailer for his new endeavor, I can’t help but think this disparity wasn’t lost on Goldthwait.

Enlisting the acting services of Bill Murray’s second most famous brother, God Bless America follows Frank, an ordinary schlub with a malignant growth, a loaded .45 and an intense disdain for the spiraling standards of the culture around him. Equal parts Falling Down, Idiocracy and Natural Born Killers, this looks like a cathartic release for anyone with an agitated disposition toward the distraction mentality surrounding us. That is not to say that simply unloading a few clips in Kim Kardashian’s direction is in and of itself worthy of praise (Seltzer & Friedberg have been doing this lazy routine for a decade), just that given his track record, I have faith that Goldthwait will find a satisfying context for such mayhem.

Speaking of faith: For the hell of it, here’s his brass balls 1994 performance on Comic Relief as The Amazing Christo – a magician from Bethlehem, PA:

Kinda Wanna See – **The Super Bowl The Big Game

Hey Tebow, Jesus gave me three Super Bowl rings, a super model wife and the flowing locks of Samson, maybe you're not praying hard enough.

I’m an out-of-the-closet Seattle Seahawks fan so, outside of one bitter winter afternoon in 2006, week 22 of the NFL season has nothing to do with me. And really, anyone not residing in Boston or New York (or Los Angeles where half the former population of both states live) care about whether or not Tom Brady once again proves he’s better than you in every way. No, this February 5th is all about reaffirming the pigskin classic as the defining moment of our cultural zeitgeist. I submit that, although this weekend’s bread in the Madonna sandwich isn’t an official holiday, it sure as hell should be. Let’s take a look at the authorized, so-called national holidays and see how they stack up:

New Year’s Eve/Day – December 31st has the reckless drinking covered but what about the reckless gambling? You can bet on everything from the coin toss to the color of the Gatorade this Sunday, what comes after 11:59:59 is hardly in dispute. Other than which resolution you’ll break first or who’s paying for the morning after pill, there really isn’t much to wager on. WINNER – The Big Game.

Martin Luther King’s Birthday – How many African Americans in congress? How many African Americans on the Giants/Patriots? WINNER – White America (trick question).

Presidents Day – Are you the president? WINNER – The President.

Easter – Being plastered before kick-off is fine. Being plastered while hiding eggs in the morning means you, a wicked hangover and disgruntled children searching the backyard all afternoon for Grade A prizes you hid in your neighbor’s yard. WINNER – Your Neighbor.

Memorial Day – Ugh. This is the day my grandfather wears that stupid hat with the stars on it. He looks like such a weirdo. Embaaaaaaaarrassing. Whatever that day is for I get to sleep in so…WINNER – Me.

Independence Day – July 4th, 1776 was the day an infant nation declared independence from an imperialist overlord. July 4th 2012 is the day we will celebrate being an imperialist overlord. WINNER – Historical Irony.

Labor Day – WINNER – China.

Veteran’s Day – See Memorial Day + more hats. Really grandpa, you look silly. Knock it off.

Thanksgiving – Long before Vince Lombardi was a spasm in his father’s junk, the Puritans and the Native Americans put aside their petty differences to slaughter a turkey and watch Detroit play football on television. They lived happily ever after. WINNER – Whoever Plays the Lions.

Christmas – Oh boy, this is close. Gathering of friends and family? Check. Drinking? Depending on which family gathers – Check. Grating songs you’ve heard a hundred times? Check. Commercialism out the wazoo? Double Check. Straight up it’s a push but unfortunately Christmas is disqualified on constitutional grounds. It seems the Establishment Clause clearly states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion” and December 25th is the birth date of the Persian God Mithra. Exalting the birth of a religious icon to the level of federal observance is unfair to the millions of non-Mithraists in this country. Nice try Christmas. WINNER – Freedom.

But what are the chances of that?

Tallying up the points I see that The Big Game is the winner with a decisive score of 1 to 0 (margin of error +/- 9). Judging by soccer standards this is a crushing defeat for any non-NFL related holiday. In fact, the only way these results aren’t definitive is if you could find a better representation for America than two diametrically opposed combatants sponsored by the same corporation, fighting over arbitrary rules to complete an ultimately pointless task?

Wouldn’t Go If You Paid Me – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Remake

I was watching We Need To Talk About Kevin (go see it now) and I realized just how prevalent product integration is in cinema today. Two cans of soda are pulled from a refrigerator and I didn’t recognize the label. What the hell? An actress was holding a can of generic root beer. Not A&W or Barq’s but plain old root beer. Product placement has become so ubiquitous that when I’m not being sold something I do a double take. What does that have to do with a Honda commercial starring Matthew Broderick kinda, sorta reprising his iconic role from the 80′s? It occurred to me that this highly anticipated ***Super Bowl Big Game spot might as well be the trailer for a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake.

Honda’s multi-million dollar snooze has all the ingredients of a modern comedy. It panders cynically to our collective memory, delivers no laughs, includes context-free quips about how cool a product is and comes complete with close ups of the logo. Throw in a trip to Wendy’s to cure a particularly gnarly craving for a Frosty and you’ve got a Happy Madison “comedy” right there. I know this is a commercial, and as such, was produced with the sole intention of selling SUV’s but we’re getting closer and closer to the point where the distinction between advertisement and film is almost non-existent. Are we not? Is the glue I’m sniffing too potent? I hear Crayola provides a smooth high with minimal delusional side effects.

The Ferrari featured in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is product placement for sure, but unless you were an executive with a minimal member and a mid-life crisis, you couldn’t afford it. More than that though, it served a narrative purpose. Cameron’s father’s Ferrari was the physical representation of his disconnect with his son. In the end, when Cameron destroys it, he’s effectively destroying the distance between them. The Ferrari 250 was necessary. Modern movies, in an effort to integrate as many products as possible, have seemingly lost the ability to advertise and tell a story. The ending of the remake would go something like this:

INT. GARAGE – DAY
Cameron rears his leg back, ready to strike the hood.

CAMERON’S FATHER
Cam?
Cameron turns to the garage door. Cameron’s Father, the spitting image of Cameron in twenty-five years, nervously fiddles with the bill of his Ferrari baseball cap.

CAMERON
Dad? I…I…

CAMERON’S FATHER
…it’s okay, son. I just wanted to say I realize I’ve
put this car before you. In my defense, can you
blame me? Zero to sixty in two point three seconds,
purrs like a tiger. And the pussy I get. Never the less,
it’s wrong. I’m sorry.

CAMERON
You mean it?

CAMERON’S FATHER
Why don’t you and I go for a spin? Together.

CAMERON
I’d love that. Can we go by Wendy’s on the way,
I need a Frosty stat.

*Source unavailable.
**Sorry NFL lawyers, it won’t happen again.
***Fuck, I’m getting sued.

featured image credit: 8 Eyes Photography

Taking my cues from Brenda Walsh

Bad news, you can’t actually complete your mental health counseling master’s degree in your pajamas. You still have to do internships and colloquia, etc. but you can do a lot of it without getting out of bed. Having a toddler, I can’t take full advantage of this fact – I have to get out of bed every single day; that’s the responsibility that comes with having a child. However, I can frequently stay in pajamas and not brush my hair so that is a definite plus. In order to pay for these on-line courses, I have been forced to take a job outside of the house. This is good because, at least twice a week, my daughter sees me looking human and leaving the home to the mystical world of ‘work’. My first course was in Theories of Development where I learned that girls respect their mothers more if they work outside the home. Sure, my toddler respects me now because of my abilities to do things like reach high shelves, work the DVD player and find her toys (by looking around for them – a concept she does not yet grasp) but eventually – I’m going to need more tricks in my repertoire.

I spent two years as a stay at home mom and my laptop was my dearest friend; all my friends lived inside of it. Taking on-line courses was an obvious choice and yet it didn’t occur to me. It isn’t like I didn’t have enough prompts. You can’t turn on the TV or go to a website without being inundated with the call to get your degree without leaving your home or talking to people. Utopia! Even Shannen Dougherty (she’ll always be Brenda to me) is shilling for Education Connection. According to her ad, she’s getting her Bachelor’s degree! In Liberal Arts! On Line! Suck it, Blossom with your Ph.D. in neurobiology (seriously, it’s Dr. Mayim Bialik). I’ll admit it, I’m not entirely convinced that Shannen is working on her degree while on set. I don’t believe she’s spending much time on sets or why would she be doing such low budget commercials? Perhaps I’m being entirely too cynical.

So these ads did not instill faith in my heart about on-line schooling. In fact, they kept me from considering it as a serious option even though it’s so well suited to my current life-style (and level of misanthropy). I continued to think on-line degrees weren’t ‘real’ degrees like you get at a ‘real’ school. I’ve known for a while that I desperately need a career change, i.e., I need to make some real money. I love working with the severely mentally ill but it’s not what you’d call a lucrative field. In my current position, I am very pleased with the level of one-to-one interaction I get with the clients but I’m not so pleased with the amount of time I have to spend mopping up urine.

Continuing to believe on-line schools weren’t ‘real’ schools, I started looking at ‘real’ schools and found a lot of them are offering on-line degrees. It was a wake-up call to me: making me realize that the world of on-line learning has come a long way and reminding me that, at thirty-four, I’m a dinosaur. After some investigation (and price shopping), I opted for Capella University. It compared favorably to traditional brick and mortar schools (formerly known as ‘real’ schools) in numerous national rankings and, most importantly, I knew someone in their mental health counseling program. She’s a friend of mine who is intelligent and very diligent so I figured she’d already done most of the research for me. She also found the coursework challenging and that assured me it was, in fact, a ‘real’ school.

Saved by the Bell: The College Years

The enrollment process was a breeze, there was less than a month between my decision to go back to school and starting my first class. My enrollment specialist was a peach. He did most of the work, held my hand through the process, was always helpful and he never pressured me to apply. In fact, he encouraged me to investigate licensing requirements in my state before committing. He would ask when he could call back and would call at that time like clockwork. As a case manager, I really respected his organization and time management. It was a very strong first impression for me. There are standards for the school although they take all qualified applicants – unlike a brick and mortar school where there are only so many people accepted at a time. You need a fairly high GPA as an undergrad; high enough that I wasn’t positive I qualified and I always did well in school. I doubt this is a hard and fast restriction, though. It’s probably more to weed out applicants looking for an easy degree. I needed two letters of recommendation, a resume and a very specifically structured essay. The enrollment specialist stressed the importance of answering all the questions asked so the essay did seem like something that could stop an application from being approved rather than just proof I was literate. I wasn’t shocked to be admitted but I was excited none the less and eager to start my first class.

In my pajamas.

The course was by no means easy. I spent well over the recommended ten hours a week on class. Each assignment comes with a rubric to clarify what is unacceptable, acceptable, good and distinguished. I was going for distinguished and as a friend of mine pointed out, it’s twice as much work to get an A as a B. I found getting an A in the class to require a lot of effort but I probably could have breezed through with a B. I was amazed by the practicality of on-line schooling. I have access to the major literary databases, I don’t need to print anything out – I just read it in Adobe, and I bought PERLA so I don’t have to bother learning APA formatting again. When I had to walk into an actual library (in my efforts to put in a distinguished performance and get an A), I resented having to leave my home. All my contact with my peers is via a forum so I don’t even have to control my eye-rolling. It’s a nearly perfect situation.

We can’t all be as smart as Blossom

Not everyone in the course was what you’d call, “grad school material”. Some people just aren’t that bright, you see that in every program. Some students are straight out of undergrad and simply not prepared for the demands of graduate work – also perfectly normal for any program.

I’m talking about people who really aren’t grad school material. My personal favorite, though it took her weeks to truly shine, quoted the Kama Sutra in nearly every discussion. She cited Sting’s seminal work, “Roxanne” when discussing her work ethic. Her citation of Sting was from Wikipedia. She spelled Wikipedia wrong! In one post, she spelled Wikipedia wrong in three different ways. It was a perfect storm of idiocy, incompetence and pure strangeness.

I don’t think I’m wrong to be concerned that she was able to get into my school. When my advisor (you get an advisor and everything!) called to get my feedback on the course, she assured me that the first and possibly the second course would have students who were not suited to graduate studies but they would soon step up their work, drop out or fail out. I hope this is the case, otherwise – I will be returning to my previous stance on what makes a ‘real’ school. Until then, I’ll continue to study in my pajamas with my toddler on my lap and hope that when she remembers her youth; she’ll know that I was working hard to give her a better life and not just surfing for porn.

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Fiercely Anticipating

Believe it or not, I am very much anticipating my new years resolutions. Ah yes, New Years Resolutions: the self-imposed, yet societally-enforced, tradition of setting unrealistic goals for oneself, and simultaneously setting yourself up for defeat. You inevitably reach the crushing realization that you, as always, SUCK at keeping resolutions.

Each year, we make lofty goals to “lose 50 lbs (and keep it off!)” or “quit smoking, for real this time” or “stop buying from that convenience store down the street that I am confident is guilty of human trafficking, but is the only one on this side of town that carries Schwepp’s ginger ale.” We make these goals, and then we give up. We give up because we set the bar way to high.

For the last several years, I have kept my goals realistic; open and ambiguous. When asked what my resolutions were, I’d say “This year, I will settle the score” or “show them all.” This usually resulted in the other person smiling politely, as I rubbed my hands together maniacally, magically dimming the lights around me while organ music crescendos.

This year, I do have some actual goals; goals I am really Fiercely Anticipating because I genuinely will enjoy getting them done. And if you give a crap, here they are listed below (if not, I’ll see you down at the next section):

• Lose more weight. I’ve been doing much better, weight wise, this past year. My goal is to lose 10-20 more lbs this year so I can wear clothes I have not been able to wear since middle school. Are Z Cavariccis still in style?
• Use technology less. Nah, Macbook. I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean that. You know I love you.
• Catch up on Music, Movies,TV, and Reading. Yes. An actual resolution. I have neglected a lot of newer trends. For example, over the last week, I have watched the first two seasons of Breaking Bad. I have The Shield up next, followed by Archer. Also, I have to rediscover the music of Elvis Costello and the writings of Stephen King.
• Officially learn guitar. No more half-assing it and pretending!
• Build a smoker. I am tired of having to buy my meats at stores and restaurants, pre-smoked!

On the Fence About

Oh, there you are. You made it. Good.

This year has an impressive slate of nerd-core movies, but as always with highly anticipated flicks, I remain cautiously optimistic. With The Dark Knight Rises, The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, The Hobbit, a new one from Tarantino, and many more, I approach this year in cinema cautiously optimistic. Sure, they look great; the trailers have left me breathless. The Avengers has… EVERYTHING. And Dark Knight  has Heinz Ward!

But…. *sigh* Look, it’s not you, Summer Tentpole Movies. It’s me.

How dare you.

I have been hurt many times before, twice by Ryan Reynolds (in Blade 3 and Green Lantern. And I liked him so much in Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place!). I just can’t keep doing th—

Okay, if I give you one more chance, do you promise not to put nipples on the bat-suit, and have Robert Downey, Jr. talk for an entire act before he puts on armor? Okay. I’m sorry I doubted you…

Not Looking Forward To

As this is 2012, I am really not looking forward to the onslaught of apocalyptic talk. History Chanel has been airing enough Armageddon specials to make me want to chug the kool-aid preemptively.

As far back as I can remember, the apocalypse is every year. Every year it’s “the big one.” The asteroid is coming, the flood waters are rising, the earthquakes will awaken the mighty sarlacc to swallow us whole. And every year, when a disaster strikes, people start pointing the finger to the Mayan calendar saying “Toldja!” Magically, we survive every year, only to have the date conveniently pushed back to the next year. Religious zealots, cultists, and (my new favorite) Ancient Astronaut “theorists” claim that December 21, 2012 is it. Kaput. The final curtain. The last pudding cup on the salad bar. The end of everything. No more baby seals, Xbox, Trader Joe’s, Hoobastank, promotional big gulp cups from 7-11, chimichurri steak, George Takei, or oscillating fans.

Or this

I am just going to put this to bed right now. The Mayans, NOWHERE in their predictions, discussed an end of days. They did say how at that date (the last on their calendar), things would “start over.” Why did they say this? Because it was the end of their cycle. Like December 31st of every year on our calendar. If the Mayan calendar was a One-A-Day Farside Calendar by Gary Larson, you’d tear off December 21, 2012 like any other day to reveal a cardboard backing. It’s so tough to tear off pages made of stone slab, by the way. Presumably it would be a comic wherein a Mayan priest is conducting a human sacrifice, holding a heart in his hand, and saying “Thank you, and for my next trick…”

This won’t stop people, all year, from worrying about it. And going on TV and crying, praying the end of days is nigh.

Hey, I’m a Hebrew. We are the chosen ones. I don’t gotta do jack squat! If it is the end of days, and zombies show up, and Abe Vigoda takes his place as king of the mole men, and the McRib never comes back but rather becomes sentient and enslaves us all… good. Humanity had a good run.

I mean, unless the Mayans were dyslexic, and it’s actually December 12, 2102.

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I am 30 years old and I believe in Santa. If you are snickering right now because you think I’m probably kidding (or completely crazy), you are wrong. I come from a family of believers, including my mother who also believes in gnomes. Our motto is, “why wouldn’t you want to believe in something so wonderful?” So, if you don’t love the big man as much as I do, you may want to press play on this video, because this soundtrack will really get you in the mood.

Which Leads Us To…

Fiercely Anticipating: Santa Research

Even though I dress up and really love candy, Halloween is just an obstacle between Labor Day and Christmas movies. I start watching them on November 1st and although I adore all of the classics, I prefer to stock my DVR with every movie that even hints of the holidays, no matter how horrible they may be. Luckily, there are three channels that never fail to air them the second our pumpkins are smashed and skeletons are packed away. There is the “Countdown to the 25 days of Christmas” on ABC Family which airs weeks before the ACTUAL Countdown to Christmas on December 1st, “It’s a Wonderful Lifetime” that starts a little too late for my taste around Thanksgiving, and my favorite, Hallmark Channel, which airs a new holiday movie every Saturday and Sunday at 8pm. If you have ever wondered, “What ever happened to (insert 90’s star here)?” They are still working!

These horrendous (but AWESOME) made-for-TV holiday movies starring Lauren Holly, the bully from the Breakfast Club, and James Van Der Beek, can be broken down into three categories; Romantic Comedies set at Christmastime, Fish-Out-Of-Water (i.e. big city lawyer ends up in a small town and learns what the season is all about OR lonely exec is sent to an alternate universe where she is a happy house wife at Christmas), and finally, those that involve the man himself, Santa. The Santa made-for-TV holiday movies can be further broken down into their own sub-categories, some more effective than others. There are the popular memory-loss Santa movies, low-Christmas-spirit Santa movies, and the ones where Santa falls in love himself. The Santa genre is my personal favorite because I always enjoy getting to see the North Pole and researching elf-behavior and habits, but some are even too ridiculous for me to watch. My mom called me three times last week to ask if I had watched a particular movie yet, claiming it was very touching and that I would love it. The description on the cable guide was “a talking dog and an orphan must save Christmas after old Saint Nick loses his memory.” I thought she must be kidding. I mean, even I have standards.

ALSO Fiercely Anticipating: Alleviating Some of Santa’s Burden

Santa doesn’t put ALL of those presents under the tree because that would just be impossible. I’m thrilled to help the big guy out a little by doing my own shopping to fill in the gaps. As a shop owner and maker, I am an advocate for handmade goods and small business, so I’m also going to challenge you to buy at least 75% of your holiday wares from somewhere other than those chain stores. I know it’s hard, but come on, you can do it. Find a local toy store, craft fair or even just buy your holiday party groceries from a local market. As screwy as our economy is right now, we can make a huge difference by buying directly from each other. Here are some of my favorite shops in my own “local market”, Etsy!

1. Catnap Cottage  2. Paloma’s Nest  3. Yee-Haw Industrial Letterpress  4.  A.Heirloom 5. Recent History 6. AM Radio 7. Take Me Homeware 8. 86 Home 9. Red Leaf Bath and Body 10.  Zara Carpenter 11.Oh Hello, Friend 12. Ohhh Lulu… 13. ISWAS+WILLBE 14. Norwegian Wood 15. Scout & Catalogue

And Finally (For Realzies) Fiercely Anticipating: Properly Hosting Santa and the Reindeer

You might not know this, but Santa, and other Northern elves, actually metabolize sugar in a very different way than humans. He turns cookies, fudge and candy canes into protein, vitamins and fiber. We don’t leave treats for him on Christmas Eve merely as gift; he needs this fuel to get him through the night. Some health nuts out there have convinced their kids to put out “good” food for him to balance the sugar intake from the other houses, but instead, they have been poisoning him for years. He needs sugar to survive, so don’t ruin Christmas for the rest of us by leaving veggies out for a veg-intolerant man. Now, the reindeer (Rangifer tarandus) are a different story, so you may want to label the dishes separately. Surprisingly, many people forget to leave food for Santa’s flight team. I suggest leaving out some arctic char with mushrooms on a bed of moss, leaves, and mixed grasses. And for the Jolly Old Elf himself, I’ve put together some of his favorite cookie recipes from Smitten Kitchen for you to try out this year!

Apple Pie Cookies

Ginger Snaps

Chocolate Toffee Cookies

Roasted Chestnut Cookies

Iced Oatmeal Cookies

He’s up there right now, making his list and checking it twice, so you might want to reconsider your faith in the Claus sooner rather than later. Get to your watching, shopping and baking and don’t stress out this season, y’all…it’s CHRISTMAS!!! Happy Holidays!

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FIERCELY ANTICIPATING

2012 Newbery Medal

I normally don’t get all wrapped up in awards. I mean, I fill out my Oscar predictions every year, but I don’t invest emotionally. This, however — this year, this award — it feels different. I’ve read so many awesome kids’ books in 2011 (and also witnessed the train wreck that was this year’s National Book Awards). I really feel like I have a dog in this race, maybe for the first time. There are a lot of worthy contenders on a lot of shortlists, but for me, I’ll be very sad if Laurel Snyder’s Bigger Than a Bread Box doesn’t come away with at least a Newbery Honor.

KINDA WANNA

See the herd of dystopian YA thin out

After the past couple trade shows I’ve attended, it seems like in the young adult world, dystopian novels are supplanting vampires and werewolves as the new Big Thing. Don’t get me wrong — I love dystopian novels. As a kid, I really dug The Girl Who Owned a City, for example (Rand-ian ickyness aside). But…I also love turtle cheesecake. I don’t want every single day of the week, though.

>In 2011 alone, I can think of over 20 dystopian teen books that came out, such as Shatter Me, Legend, The Eleventh Plague, Ashfall, Ashes, and…Ashes, Ashes (seriously). I don’t mean to disparage any of these titles specifically; I’d actually like to read several of them. But at the same time…I kind of want YA dystopian as a genre to come down with some sort of blight that wipes three-quarters of its population, leaving the choice few to battle for survival.

WOULDN’T SEE IT IF YOU PAID ME

Breaking Dawn, Part I

Really, folks? Was there so much essential plot in Breaking Dawn that it couldn’t fit into a single movie? Or did the producers simply come down with a crippling case of “Harry Potter did it”? (Symptoms include eyes replaced by dollar signs.) Full disclosure: I went with my wife to midnight screenings of the first three “films” (to use the term generously). I went less as a cinema lover, though, and more as an anthropologist. This is a bridge too far. No way can I justify shelling out over $22 to see both parts of Breaking Dawn (aka Angsty Stares: The Movie – Part 4). I’m putting my foot down. I can already picture what I’ll do with the saved cash. Perhaps I’ll buy new windshield wipers, or a decent bottle of wine…or maybe I’ll just buy two copies of a great book — one for me, one to share. I’ve heard that Latasha and the Little Red Tornado is “a winning addition to children’s literature.”

(See what I did there?)

If you’d like to learn more about my new book, my picture book series, or the next novel in the pipeline (coming 05/15/12, people!), feel free to visit me at www.michaelascotto.com. Sometimes, I even talk about other stuff, too.

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The four part, 19-hour opera cycle Der Ring des Nibelungen, of which Siegfried is the third part, is one of the highest artistic achievements of mankind, rivaled perhaps only by Ricky Gervais’s The Office or Mitchell and Webb’s Peep Show. The Ring is audacious and contains seemingly infinite musical and philosophical ideas. The Met’s new Robert Lepage production has been highly lauded. I saw Das Rheingold (the first part of the tetralogy) last year in an HD Broadcast. Hey, it’s almost worth sitting through the six-hour Siegfried just to see how they’ll do the scene where the hero returns home with a bear from the forest, a bear that promptly chases and taunts his foster father. There have been broad comedy bears, metaphorical bears, naturalistic bears, and even real bears. What kind of bear will Robert Lepage give us? And what kind of Wotan? A Grizzly Adams Wotan, a Barnacle Bill Wotan, maybe a Greg Allman Wotan? Will Siegfried’s hammering as he attempts to reforge the sword Nothung match the orchestra’s or will there be terrible timing gaffes? How will they stage the scene where Siegfried kills the Giant turned Dragon, Fafner? Naturalistically? Or, as the Kirov Opera did it in 2007, unforgivably? (There were gigantic papier-maché statues skewed around the stage, which were repositioned for different parts of the opera. When Siegfried killed Fafner he went around sticking Nothung into what appeared to be each giant statue’s ass as if he’d fashioned the magical sword into a jumbo rectal thermometer.) The Met’s classic, if old-fashioned, Otto Schenk production was pined for by all after the belabored Russian cycle.

Attending a Met HD Live (or encore) Broadcast gives you a view of the stage that would cost you an arm and a leg in the actual opera house. For many productions it’s not that important. But for Philip Glass’s opera about the life of Gandhi it is huge. The vocal text of Satyagraha is based on the Bhagavad Gita. Constance DeJong adapted it for the opera along with Philip Glass himself. The Phelim McDermott production with video design by Fifty Nine Productions (Leo Warner and Mark Grimmer) is a visual spectacle. When I saw Satyagraha live at the Met in 2008 I had box seats. I thought that would impress my Nerve.com date. But we missed half the stage and the scenery. I kept leaning way over the rail, trying to get an eyeful of the giant puppets and projections, attempting to read the translations of the Sanskrit aphorisms. Well, from any seat at the LA Live movie theater downtown I’ll be able to see it all. Satyagraha was made for the big screen. So, if you think you’ll be able to handle four plus hours of arpeggiated trance-inducing minimalism, I’ll see you there.

I saw Handel’s Rodelinda over half a decade ago at The Met. Renée Fleming will reprise the eponymous role this month. She is always stunning, visually and aurally. But the curiosity here are the two male soprano roles, once taken on by castrati, men whose testicles were surgically removed before they hit puberty to enable them to keep their soprano voices. There are only a couple of extant recordings of actual castrati but the rage these days is the countertenor. The countertenor is a masculine looking man who stalks the stage belting out wildly powerful arias in the soprano register. And he is a man who still has his balls. There are two countertenors in Rodelinda. This is must-see, must-hear stuff. But if you think current pop music insipidly repetitive, wait until you get a load of Handel’s score from 1719. Those de capo arias can make you want to scream but at least they give you something to latch on to. The sets in this production are incredible. They slide from side to side, revealing the next scene. And when it comes time for us to join Bertarido in a dungeon, the entire stage rises to expose the cell. If the actor/singers are less melodramatic in their gestures than their mid-aught counterparts we’ll be in good shape. I can only hope that some of the more glaring directing gaffes have been corrected. I remember Grimoaldo aiming his pistol at Rodelinda’s son and holding it there for several minutes after Rodelinda gambits her son’s life. The boy looked about as relaxed as if he were sitting on his front porch sipping a lemonade. Why would Rodelinda bring her son before Grimoaldo to make that proposal in the first place? And given that she did, why wasn’t the boy afraid? Obviously, the gambit should be made out of earshot of her son and her son should never know what’s going on. His mother would never let him know. Rodelinda is another 4 hour commitment. But remember, they had no TV and film back then. It was a great pleasure to be in the opera house for four to six hours. What was waiting for them at home anyway? A candlelit and poorly insulated room? Cholera?

The new Des McAnuff production of Gounod’s Faust has to be a vast improvement on the last Met Faust I saw: Andrei Serban’s mawkishly gag-inducing production. And it wasn’t easy to make it bad. He had Woody Allen’s Set Designer Santo Loquasto on his team and the great and dignified René Pape singing the role of Mephistopheles. Roberto Alagna sang Faust. The subject matter is, of course, highly stimulating – wheeling and dealing with the Devil. But, overall, I hate this opera and don’t really want to see it again. I would if you paid me I suppose. The music is kind of good. The first scene takes place in Faust’s laboratory. The costumes and production here are a measuring stick of a director’s sensibilities. What did Andrei Serban serve up last time? Crap. He made René Pape parade around in a non-sensical progression of cliché-ridden outfits. And when Faust changes from an old man to a young one why not have the transformation take place before our eyes? The only thing they could think of was having Alagna walk behind a door and come out of the other end, after being blocked from our view for 15 seconds? Ridiculous and insulting. Have him tear the beard from his face in clumps and let’s see some acting, some posture change, something, anything. Roberto Alagna looked like Martin Short spoofing the role. The dancers were certainly good to look at through opera glasses. Oh, that’s another advantage of the HD Broadcasts. No binoculars or opera glasses necessary. Act III of Faust is ridiculous. The music is cloying and endless and, in most productions, things don’t make too much sense from then on out. I once read the unabridged libretto; it seems that many directors cut all the important expository dialogue and keep all the mawkish music. Why?

The crown jewel of the repertoire, as far as I’m concerned, is the Mozart/Da Ponte masterwork Don Giovanni. I saw it live in HD last week and this is a great, if traditional, production by Michael Grandage. It’s a bit dark and monotonous visually but, overall, it’s dignified and grand. In the current HD Broadcast Renée Fleming is the hostess, interviewing the singers as they come off the stage between acts. This feels a bit odd, much like the relatively recent tradition of baseball managers and even players being interviewed in the dugout during games. But it is nevertheless interesting to follow the stars and divas backstage and to witness that other, usually unseen and inaccessible, world. Critics are making much of Mariusz Kwiecien’s depiction of DG. But Luca Pisaroni’s Leporello is even more impressive. I can’t wait to see him take his inevitable stab at the role some day. Joshua Bloom is a great Masetto and Stefan Kocán an imposing Commendatore. The acting here is all around first class, except for a few things. Someone’s got to get the graveyard scene right one of these decades. Don Giovanni is messing with his manservant and someone has got to play it that way. Either that or distracted to the point that DG’s dialogue makes sense. The Don Giovanni live Broadcast already happened but don’t worry – they’ll play it again, Sam. And you can see that encore presentation on Wednesday, November 16. I like Regal Cinema’s L.A. Live near the Staples Center which is much less crowded and uptight than Century City’s AMC 14. There are several other theater’s in L.A. offering the broadcasts too.

Peruse the entire Met Opera HD Broadcast season online here.

Here are the operas showing live (Saturday mornings) and in encore (Wednesday evenings at 6:30 local time) for the rest of the calendar year:

Wagner’s Siegfried – encore TBD
Mozart’s Don Giovanni – encore 11/16
Glass’s Satyagraha – 11/19 9:55 a.m. – encore 12/7
Handel’s Rodelinda – 12/3 9:30 a.m. – encore 1/4/12
Gounod’s Faust – 12/10 9:55 a.m. – encore 1/11/12

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Images courtesy of The Metropolitan Opera

This week I’m going to talk about the viral YouTube video, “Joey Quits”. If you aren’t one of the 2,763,107 who’ve viewed the video, I’ll give you an overview (then you can check it out below). The video starts with a close up of Joey (I never noticed it before, but he does look a little like James Franco) explaining that he’s spent three and a half years working at a hotel where he and his fellow employees are treated like sh*t and he’s quitting with the help of his band mates. The group in the video is fraction of the What Cheer? Brigade, a nineteen piece punk marching band from Providence, RI. When Joey’s boss arrives on the scene, he immediately tells them all to leave. Joey hands over his two week notice which his boss refuses to take so Joey lets it drop to the floor and throws his hands in the air as he leaves. His band mates stay where they are and break into a rousing rendition of “Bubamara”. After the cymbal player (to learn more about how hot she is, read any of the comments on YouTube!) changes the incident board to 0 days without incident or time lost, the band marches out of the building yelling, “Joey quits, Joey quits!”

The Myth

First of all, I was not at all surprised “Joey Quits” went viral. Why wouldn’t it? Joey acts out the ultimate Johnny Paycheck “take this job and shove it” fantasy. Anyone who watches his resignation float to the ground and thinks “Bad move, buddy, you’ll never get a reference now”, that person needs to clap their hands and believe in fairies! No one should be that jaded. It’s a beautiful moment. Right now, people are rightly afraid of becoming unemployed and companies are taking advantage of that fear at every turn to strip employees of their benefits without being met with resistance. It’s a terrible time to be part of the 99% in America (and for the knuckle-heads who point out that 50% of Americans don’t even have to pay taxes because they are so poor, old and/or disabled – it always sucks to be part of that 50%!).

Joey and the What Cheer? Brigade deserve to be a cult heroes (they’re awesome!) but I understand the inevitable disappointment that comes with learning more of the story. It makes me sad when I see people seeming let down when they realize Joey is a smart guy who’s passionate about worker rights and unions and not just a goofy, impetuous kid. Similarly, people seem disappointed to find out Joey didn’t quit without having another job lined up. The dude knows how to quit like a rock star but he still needs to eat! Currently, Joey isn’t selling weed out of his parents’ basement, nor is he currently setting anything on fire in a fit anarchist rage. He’s just a regular Joe(y) working by day and playing in a punk marching band by night. The more sensible Joey seems, the sadder we feel about our crappy jobs. Time magazine had an article on their website explaining why Joey made a career mistake by quitting while a marching band played and then posting it on YouTube. Other than being stultifying obvious, the article misses the big picture. When Joey’s future employers Google him, it won’t be the marching band that sends up a red flag, it will be his history of union building and his website “Demand Progress” that will cause a problem.

As a side note, you hear a lot of anti-union talk these days. The reason we have minimum wage, child labor laws and a forty hour work week instead of a 60-80 hour work week is because people joined unions. People risked life, limb and starvation to be in unions and fight for humane working conditions. My father was nine when the Fair Labor Standards Act came into being. How, in such a short period of time, have people become so apathetic about their rights? Show me a corrupt union and explain how it’s doing more harm than having children work in a coal mine and maybe you’ll sway my opinion.

My husband has been a member of the What Cheer? Brigade for five years so I know the band pretty well. I’ve had many of them to my house and, they’ve played peek-a-boo with my daughter. As someone who knows the people involved, it’s very strange when people suggest the video is staged. It’s strange because I know it’s real but it’s also odd that anyone would think the hotel participated. Are they thinking the hotel was after the free publicity of being the union busting company that treats their employees like sh*t? Or maybe they mean it was staged as in the marching band didn’t just happen to be at the hotel. It was planned in advanced, I’ll give the cynics that. In fact, Chop-Chop (the monkey drummer) has been endorsing the use of a marching band to quit your job for years and I’m sure he’s glad someone finally took his advice! The man is a monkey genius.

Even without the video, The What Cheer? Brigade is a bit of a fantasy itself. They look like a high school marching band that hijacked their school bus after a game and went rogue. Ten years later, they’re still playing as a group (wearing what remains of their uniforms) as they tour the country, living off of vegan pita chips and straight Jameson whiskey. The What Cheer? Brigade have had an amazing six year career. They may look like a drunk tank that escaped and robbed a music store but they’re real musicians. They won the Haizetara Street Music International Contest. They played Sziget in Hungry. Guca in Serbia. They’ve played Mardi Gras parades in New Orleans, Lollapalooza, Super Ball IX – the three day Phish Phestival held in Watkins Glen, and have twice played the Newport Folk Fest. Even with the high profile festivals, the members of What Cheer? Brigade don’t make any money being in the band, they play for the love of the music (and they have to keep their day jobs.)

The Legend

The video was uploaded on Wednesday, October 12th. Saturday morning, my husband and I were astonished to see the video had over 40,000 hits! That night it was over 100,000 views. Monday, Good Morning America called and asked the band to appear the next day. GMA was actually able to accommodate the entire band. Turns out, New York studios are really small! They really aren’t ready for a nineteen piece marching band. CNN did a piece on Joey quitting. He and various band members were on Inside Edition and Access Hollywood. For a moment in time, the WC?B knew what it was like to be a Kardashian. Maybe not an actual Kardashian but like one of the Kardashians’ dog. The What Cheer? Brigade became a celebrity dog. They were photographed and stared at but there was always that sense the people behind the cameras were afraid they’d pee on the floor (or bite).

The attention has already died down but I hope it never ends. I’d like to see Joey take on all the indignities of life with the What Cheer? Brigade playing the soundtrack. “Joey gets out of his cell phone contract”. “Joey waits in line at the DMV.” “Joey gets a credit check while trying to buy a minivan.” “Joey gets a colonoscopy, just to be safe.” “Joey refuses to take down his Christmas decorations deemed ‘garish’ by the neighborhood association.”

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Fiercely Anticipating… 

I like to refer to this time of year as “The Great Halloween/Christmas Flux”, which in my head looks like the Nexus from Star Trek: Generations, but littered with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah decorations as it travels through through galaxy all ribbony-like, ultimately finding Malcolm McDowell atop a mountain (I just lost any girl who happened to be reading this). In reality, however, it is just the period of time ranging from mid-October to

Look at how comfy those holiday sweaters are!

just after Christmas, full of holiday advertising and an overall sense of family and togetherness. This is a time I think only exists in John Hughes movies, where the holidays happen exclusively outside of Chicago, and everyone has amazing sweaters. Either way, this time of year is full of child-like nostalgia for me, and that is why it’s what I am Fiercely Anticipating.

Living in South Florida, we have no seasons. We have Summer (end of May through September) and Not-Summer (everything else). As such, we tend to look at anything after September as “Winter? I guess…” Seasons are something that happens to people who live up North, and in the movies. It’s because we are climate-challenged here that I tend to view this time of year as one large holiday season. The stores don’t help, already advertising Christmas before Halloween is over. The only time I can tell the difference is when my bank teller switches from her spooky orange and black motif to her festive red and green. The houses around here gradually go from elaborate graveyard setups to intricate nativity scenes in one of oddest transitions you’ve never seen. I seriously want to set up a time-lapse camera this year to catch the brief in-between period where baby Jesus is being cradled by a hobgoblin, and the three wise men bring gold, frankinsense, and BRAAAAINS (don’t worry, it’s just cold spaghetti… this year). Oh, I’ve never done any of this. I was told early on “We are Jewish. We don’t put up shit.”

Delicious, no matter what you say

I unapologetically love this time of year, though. Every decoration I see, every costume, every movie, every nuance reminds me of a simpler time, when it was socially acceptable to go around in costume. Nowadays, unless I have a party to attend, getting in costume in my house borders on serial killer behavior (note: I have never dressed up like Buffalo Bill because… gross). Some of my fondest childhood memories involve this time of year. Every time I pop a candy corn*, I am whisked away to my youth. Naturally, being a fan of retaining my youth, I down a lot of candy corn, which in turn raises my triglyceride and glucose levels, which in essence takes years off of my life. It’s counterproductive when you think of it that way, but …THEY ARE SHAPED LIKE LITTLE CORN! Corn is healthy, right?

*Please note, I love candy corn, and will defend it to the death, but I absolutely abhor the harvest medley. It makes defending candy corn nigh impossible.

Suffice it to say, I am pumped as October comes to a close and we segue into the rest of this Holiday season. And if that doesn’t do it for you, MUPPETS IN A FEW WEEKS!

On the Fence About… 

As I mentioned earlier, getting in costume is just creepy unless you have Halloween plans. Personally, I am all for dressing up as an adult, because we are ADULTS. If you work a nine-to-five, and pay your taxes, then dammit, you should get to dress up as Green Lantern once in a while… If that’s your thing. This year, my arsenal of potential costumes includes Dr. Blake Downs (from Childrens Hospital), a Mormon missionary, a guinea pig dressed as a bee, or a hipster werewolf.

What's up, Slutty Nemo?

As much as I want to rock any of the aforementioned costumes, I am faced with lackluster plans for the occasion:

1. Go out to the bars. Apart from seeing girls dressed as slutty versions of classic costumes (looking at you sexy cop, sexy nurse, sexy ghostbuster, and sexy Aaron Burr), bars offer little in the way of traditional Halloween fun. Just overpriced drinks dyed orange, or with dry ice in them. How am I supposed to drink this? Give me a scotch. Now that’s a spooky tab!
2. Watch horror movies. Getting closer. This sounds the most appealing. A gathering at somebody’s house is all well and good, but a movie marathon is too passive, allowing for little interaction and commenting on each other’s costumes. Besides, the people I know would want to watch nothing but Saw and Hostel movies, passing them off as horror.
3. Travel to Orlando to do a theme park “Horror Nights” type thing. This is only fun if you have money to burn and don’t mind people invading your personal space (read: not me).
4. Attend an “anti-party.” I am not entirely sure what this is, but sounds like something hipsters do. Hipster werewolf would show up and comment that “the moon is bullshit and used to have integrity, or whatever.”

I Could Give Two Bobbed Apples About…

Halloween Douchebaggery. With this time of year comes time for little thug punk dildo idiot putz kids to go and assert their pseudo-dominance, by shaving creaming cars, TP-ing trees, egging houses, and such. For what?

Look, kid. You’re gonna get caught. Ok? Mom and Dad do, in fact, love you, despite what you’ve built up in your stupid head. You and your friends aren’t cool tonight, or any other night. You’re gonna get grounded, and the circle will remain unbroken.

Warsaw: 1938

I never did this nonsense as a kid. Was I above it? Yes. Did that make me better than those kids? You’re damn right. I never had it in me. I was content getting candy and watching Monster Squad with my friends. Why would I risk getting hit with a belt?! (And that was my mom! My dad would be readying the bar of soap in the next room for my gauntlet of punishment). Why go through the effort of destroying somebody’s property just because the night dictates it? I know anther group of idiots who wrought destruction because the night dictated it: the Nazis on Kristalnacht! Yes, I compared structure-less children to Nazis. Chew on that when you become a parent, you little turds.

I’ll be watching.

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I’m a horror film fan — of course I’m looking forward to Halloween! This is the one time during the year where many of the things that make my freak flag fly–ghosts, skeletons, giant spiders, zombies, tombstones, and haunted houses–are not only considered acceptable decorum in both public and private settings, they are actively encouraged. I’ve lost track of how many spur-of-the-moment stores I’ve seen pop up this time of year to sell masks, costumes and all sorts of props, and some companies have even launched lines of Halloween tree ornaments, which opens up all sorts of new possibilities for eerie self-expression. It’s almost as if the horror sections of bookstores, libraries and video rental businesses break out of their (ab)normal dwellings and seize control of the public sphere for a few weeks. It’s glorious.

(Of course, I never let seasonal restrictions stop me from indulging in ghoulish glee. My wife and I put up two gargoyles in our front lawn for one Halloween. Not only did we never take them down, we went out and got four more, and our gaggle of gargoyles is still on display to this day. I also picked up some eyeball ornaments but since we don’t put up our tree until December, they go up with the rest of the ornaments then. Thus, if you ever see our Christmas tree, don’t be surprised to find it staring back at you.)

No one is required to subject themselves to anything scary on Halloween, but to me there’s something very refreshing and genuine about a holiday that openly combines fear and fun. We live in a scary enough world as it is, and sometimes the best way to cope with that is to actively engage the most extremely irrational, absurd fears possible and turn them into sources of catharsis. There are those who can’t grasp the logic of using fear to relieve stress and cope with stressful situations but for those of us who get it (such as Aristotle), Halloween is a holiday like no other that deserves enthusiastic celebration. The fundamentalist religious groups that loudly and repeatedly oppose Halloween are living proof of my point: Since fear and paranoia permeate religious fundamentalism, I can see why strict followers of such belief systems would want to avoid a celebratory release from these emotions.

Besides, Halloween is one of the few holidays that don’t involve awkward family obligations. If that isn’t worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

SOMEWHAT ANTICIPATING: HALLOWEEN HORROR FILM FESTIVALS

If Valentine’s Day is a revenue generator for greeting card companies and Thanksgiving is a boon for turkey farms, then Halloween is the best advertisement possible for anything related to the horror genre. Many newspapers and magazines publish articles about horror literature and movies that would normally avoid the subject, while TV stations and movie theaters run horror movie marathons. Yet the best kinds of seasonal celebrations are the film festivals that feature showings of independently made horror films, both the short and feature-length varieties. For those who are tired of Hollywood’s infatuation with horror remakes and sequels, these are the places to go for a fresh batch of frights. For example, The Spooky Movie International Horror Film Festival is held every October in the Washington DC area, and this year’s selection included The Dead, The Oregonian, and Skew–quality titles you won’t find playing at any of the major movie theater chains.

Unfortunately, there are three big drawbacks to this kind of Halloween entertainment:

1. Horror film festivals aren’t always held during the Halloween season.
2. Of the horror film festivals that are held during the Halloween season, they aren’t always easy to find and attend.
3. Unlike big studio releases in the multiplexes, you can’t choose when to go see a movie a horror film festival. If you can’t make the festival showing of a horror film that piques your interest, you won’t see it until it becomes available elsewhere–or you won’t see it at all if it’s not picked up for wide release.

DREADING: THE DECLINE OF HALLOWEEN

Sadly, Halloween isn’t what it used to be in some parts of the country. From what I’ve been hearing, some public schools have been opting out of having Halloween celebrations of any sort, choosing instead to have “Harvest Festivals” or some other vaguely-named substitute. Between fundamentalist religious groups complaining about Halloween being a pagan recruitment tool, the difficult enforcement of costume dress codes, and the lack of time available to have any sort of party in the classroom, Halloween has disappeared from quite a few public schools (including one that I used to attend).

While this feels like a cop-out, I nevertheless understand why public schools are dropping Halloween just so they have one less figurative monkey on their backs — particularly during the current era of massive federal cuts to education funding and repeated political attacks against teachers’ unions. Still, to lose Halloween in public schools is a setback, because that’s one less place for kids to have fun with this unique holiday. At its best, Halloween is about imagination and creativity. It’s not tied to any particular ethnic, religious or national identity, so kids can dress up as whoever or whatever they want. How many other holidays offer that kind of open expression? (No, cosplay events at geek conventions do not count in this context.)

As with most other things aimed at kids, the only way for Halloween to stay fun and exciting in areas where it is under attack is for adults–particularly maturity-challenged adults (a.k.a. man-children, like me)–to take the lead. For example:

While a school district as a whole may not have a Halloween celebration, art classes, art clubs and drama clubs within the district can do Halloween-themed activities, such as making masks and costumes. It doesn’t even have to be that expensive, either. There were two books published back in the late 70s, Make-Up Monsters and Creature Costumes, which featured all sorts of ideas that only required cheap, easily available and non-toxic items–flour, cotton balls, corn syrup, and so on. (You can read my blog post about it here.) These books are still available at very cheap prices, so they’re an easy way to keep Halloween fun going among curious students.

With the availability of many old classic horror movies available on DVD and Blu-ray, there’s no reason why anyone couldn’t organize a horror film festival of their own. To keep the events fun for all ages, organizers could pull a few ideas from Shock!, a promotional book that was used by Screen Gems to promote the sale and distribution of old horror movies on syndication back in the late 1950s. Shock! was a guidance manual for local TV stations that instructed them how to encourage audience participation in their weekend broadcasts of the Universal horror movies. (In fact, these recommendations were essentially the blueprints for the horror hosts who would later appear in TV markets across the country, and who still appear on public access TV, Internet sites and at horror conventions to this day.) Some of the ideas in Shock! would fit perfectly for a local film festival, such as a “most shocking photo” contest and a monster-themed cooking contest. The Shock! book was re-published in Shock Theater: An Illustrated History by Jim Clatterbaugh, the editor and publisher of Monsters From The Vault magazine.

Have a Happy Halloween!

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Fierce

If you want to be just a little afraid for your safety, you need to head to Fall River, MA. First of all, you can rent the actual room where Lizzie Borden may or may not (the court found her not guilty) have given her (step) mother forty whacks. During the day, you can go on the tour and see where Lizzie may (or may not) have given her father similar treatment. Lizzie Borden’s home is a B&B, of course Fall River knows how to celebrate Halloween!

The older and better known of Fall River’s two major haunted houses is the Factory of Terror. It’s promoted as three haunted attractions in one. What that really means is, it’s a long haunted house. You won’t be in and out in five minutes. You will have time to be truly scared and a little concerned that it will never end. Just by virtue of being in an empty factory in a once industrial part of town, the place is creepy. The special effects are quality and the actors are generally enthusiastic. It’s a popular attraction, for good reason, and the downside is long lines and the inside of the attraction tends to get backed up. There’s nothing that kills a good haunted house buzz like looking at your phone while you wait for the group in front of you work their way through the room full of fake hanging meat.

Just a few blocks away is the newer and much scarier Asylum of Horror. I’ve been going to Asylum for years and though they don’t change much from year to year, the actors really go for it! Sadly, it’s gotten slightly less scary over time as they tone things down for safety. Personally, I miss the days of an actor grabbing me by the arm or getting so close to my face I could smell his cinnamon tic-tacs but I understand they need to protect themselves legally. Still, the actors push the limits at Asylum of Horror. Once, when my husband and I went early on a Thursday, we were the only people there when we arrived. In many haunted attractions, a slow day means a skeleton (Ha!) crew. At Asylum, a slow night meant being trapped in a room by five actors calling me by name (cheerfully provided by my husband) and at one point making me walk backwards through the maze wondering if I would ever be set free.

For an epic evening in New England, head to Witch’s Woods in Westford, MA. Set at a ski resort, Witch’s Woods offers four haunted houses and a haunted hayride. The individual haunted attractions can be hit or miss but the quantity of entertainment assures you’ll get your money’s worth.

For those a bit south of New England, Philadelphia’s Eastern State Penitentiary is a must see! The former prison once housed Al Capone and Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures and Most Haunted have all done investigations at the allegedly haunted site. The location itself is seriously spooky. The penitentiary is enormous and the was literally designed to make you feel isolated (so prisoners could focus on penance. Penance, penitentiary… you’re being scared but you’re also learning). The lines get seriously long, but you get plenty of bang for your buck. Your tour begins with search lights flashing as you’re herded through a bus and into the prison. After being scared senseless during a seemingly endless tour (and I mean that in a good way!), you can learn all about the evolution of the prison system in America. It’s a good way to recover before heading to South Street for a cheesesteak (forget Pat’s and Geno’s and head straight to Jim’s!).

Nerdy

There’s plenty to do for the Halloweener (that’ll never catch on) who likes to learn while growing increasingly paranoid with each haunted attraction. Nearly everywhere in New England has ghost tours and graveyard tours. Salem is a natural hot spot for Halloween. Although the historic district is packed with people, great costumes and a nice Mardi Gras atmosphere, the city does not fully embrace the holiday. The stores, restaurants and bars mainly stick to their usual schedules and I’ve spent many an hour just meandering as I waited for traffic to die down, wishing there was an open bar, restaurant (or liquor store) to help me pass the time.

The haunted attractions in Salem are so-so, designed to handle the volume and keep the lines moving. The ghost tours vary widely. Do your research ahead of time. Some tours only exist for the Halloween season and lack the research and polish of the more established tours. I’m especially fond of Spellbound Tours and go on their ghost hunting tour at least every other year. During October, many of the historical tours begin incorporating ghost stories and it’s a fun way to get your scare and your nerd on at the same time.

Did you know that Rhode Island was once the vampire capital of the US? In Exeter, RI, you can visit the grave of Mercy Brown, the woman who likely inspired the character of Lucy in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. When Mercy died, her spirit was believed to be haunting and tormenting her brother. What could her father do but dig her up, cut out her heart, burn it and feed it to his ailing son? FYI, the son died two months later; apparently ingesting the burnt heart of his sister didn’t cure his tuberculosis. The events were covered by the Providence Journal, and Bram Stoker was known to have clippings of the story in his possession at the time of his death. The tombstone has managed to stay relatively in tact in an accessible graveyard. Unless you actually go on Halloween (when you will see small children in costumes trampling through the graveyard) you can visit her gravesite in peace and quiet and reflect on her tragic story.

Plymouth, MA, hosts both the surprisingly unimpressive Plymouth Rock (it’s a small rock) and a multitude of disturbing ghost stories. A beautiful town with plenty of restaurants, shopping and historical attractions; Plymouth is a win-win for the Halloweener. You can get your history, your scares and a good Mexican meal all in one visit.

Family Friendly

For atmosphere, you can’t beat a hayride. There are several worth mentioning. Field of Screams in East Greenwich, RI is set on a Christmas tree farm. Nothing on their tour is quite as creepy as the giant Santa Claus that waves goodbye to you as you leave. Field of Screams is a nice little combo of a moderately scary haunted house, a mildly exciting hayride and a nice little 3-D house to round off your evening. No big scares are to be found but you’ll get the occasional screams among the generally laid back atmosphere. The farm is beautiful and it’s worth it for Rhode Islanders to go and get a good look at stars.

Slightly scarier is Trails to Terror in Wakefield, RI. Set on a lovely farm, you can get scared silly and buy some fresh baked goods. You can take the hayride or haunted trail separately, the haunted trail may be a bit scary for the little ones, or buy the combo ticket. The hayride is surprisingly scary with well-utilized special effects and interactive actors and the terror trail through the woods has enough chaos to make you feel a little afraid for your safety (a quality I enjoy in haunted attractions).

Lake Compounce, an amusement park in Connecticut, turns itself into a haunted attraction for October. The midway remains open with the addition of a few small haunted attractions but the showpiece is an enormous haunted house that takes roughly 45 minutes to walk through. The props and special effects are excellent. While you’re there, enjoy the free Pepsi products and buy some fried Oreos. It’s Halloween, it’s time to worry about ghosts and goblins, not diabetes and hypertension. Get into the spirit!

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featured image credit:victoriabernal