Dearest Fierce Nerds As of this Friday, Fierce and Nerdy will be going on summer hiatus, and when it comes back on September 1st, it will no longer be a community blog. Believe me, this was not an easy decision to make. For almost five years it has been my pleasure to receive and share the words of our amazing contributors on Fierce and Nerdy. Unfortunately, over the past few months, I’ve come to accept that I can’t run FaN and meet deadlines and take on new paid projects and mother three children. So Fierce and Nerdy will become a one-person blog as of Sept. 1st. We are also working on a new front page design that will allow our readers and authors to easily access every FaN blogumn we’ve ever posted. And many of the FaN contributors have told me that they plan to keep their blogumns going on their own sites, so, of course, we will link to those. Please know that I didn’t make this decision lightly and that if there was any way I could keep Fierce and Nerdy going as is, I would.   Infinite thanks to our contributors for their amazing and inspiring and just plain wonderful words over these past years. And, special thanks to Ryan Dixon, who has been the patron saint of Fierce and Nerdy from day one. I can’t thank Amy Robinson enough for editing the blogumns kindly and well,  for her two years as Blogumns Editor. Also, Joshua Mauldin, thank you, thank you, thank you, for all you’ve done for FaN over the last few months.  And, of course, I want to thank Christian Hibbard (CH), my husband, who quietly did most of the site’s back end work and provided continuous emotional and...

Author’s Note: I know I promised to reveal my pick for “”The One Summer Movie I Dragged My Ass Out to See” – but, sadly, the demands of my so called “real job” have prevented me from doing any real meaningful Seething. That is to say, any meaningful Seething, which I feel comfortable sharing on this blog. Ahem. Cough. Ugh. So instead, I’ve decided to share this classic Califronia Seething, in which I explore the sheer idiocy of my chosen artform with the hope of inspiring young people. Seriously, if just one aspiring theatre professional with stars in his eyes reads this post and decides to go to Law School instead, I’ll consider my work here done. I’m joking, of course! I love what I do, and if you are a young person who is interested in theatre, I encourage you to follow your heart. Hell, the job market is so totally crappy now that you’re hopelessly fucked no matter what field you go into, so you might as well be unemployed from doing something you might love. That way, at least you’ll be excited to interview for the jobs you don’t get. Enjoy!   OK, all kidding aside, it’s very important that all of you come see my show when it opens. Not just because the actors are amazing (which they are), and the director is brilliant (which he is) and the writer is halfway decent (name rhymes with Flakespear- and I don’t mean Blake Steer, renowned Cherokee porn star). You should all come because I’ve been working my ass off on this show for no money or hope of professional advancement and I need as many people as possible to validate this incredibly stupid and self destructive life choice that I’ve made....

Fierce and Nerdy’s What The Tech columnist Michele Agius joins Tom and Josh at their North Hollywood studio.  Topics include the great and mighty (ego of) Kanye West, why Hanson matters, the latest Beck single, World War Z and The Bling Ring, staying in shape, why Samsung rules, and much more. Pub Trivia 10 Score = 2/10 Listen to it here: Listen to this episode Or download here: Download this episode (right click and save)...

Hilton Head Island, SC – Friday By Joshua Mauldin Celebrity chef and Restaurant Impossible star Robert Irvine’s personal restaurant Eat! has been shut down indefinitely awaiting an investigation by the South Carolina Department of Public Health over questionable ingredients in a number of dishes. “We found an alarmingly high level of human growth hormone in the barbeque sauce, salad dressings and all condiments except mustard,” announced Herman Newport, head of the investigation. “There were substantial amounts of Winstrol in the beef, chicken and veal.” Winstrol, an illegal equine steroid, has been linked to rapid muscle growth, manic irritability and increased culinary prowess. Chef Irvine, speaking through his lawyer, released an official statement this morning denying the allegations. “These charges are baseless, insulting and I will crush the skull of whoever made them between my pecs, rip their head off at the neck and shit down the stump.” Image Credit: Miami New...

By Joshua Mauldin Although I enjoyed True Grit, I prefer my Coen Brothers a little quirky, preferably with a side of John Goodman. Inside Llewyn Davis has both, and T. Bone Burnett. And Carrie Mulligan. And Salieri. And folk music. Is it December yet? Image Credit & Trailer: Screen...

Anaheim, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin In anticipation of the potential for a fourth installment of the popular Toy Story franchise, Walt Disney Co. has filed a request with the copyright office to trademark the number 4. “These movies are so popular, we feel that just their association with the number is legal grounds enough for us to claim ownership, ” said Fillmore Banks, Disney’s Vice President of Intellectual Property. “We want to preempt other entities from profiting on that universally-celebrated association.” This controversial move comes on the heels of Disney’s decision to withdraw a recent trademark request for the Mexican holiday Dia De Los Muertos. “We withdrew the request because the title changed, not because people complained. We’re Disney, like we give a flying mouse fart about what people think. We own the copyright office anyway, Mickey Mouse should’ve been public domain how long ago? Exactly.” Image Credit:...

By Joshua Mauldin NPH has been tapped yet again to host the Tony Awards because why would they even ask anyone else? The shortlist should be: 1. Neil Patrick Harris 2. No Tony Awards Image Credit & Story: The Hollywood...

By Joshua Mauldin From Gawker My debate class in high school was little more than a series of packets so I’m right there with yah brah. Perhaps if we actually studied debate I could’ve used a different set of oral skills to get out traffic tickets. Video: youtube Image Credit:...

Columbia, SC – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Tickets to attend re-elected South Carolina Republican Mark Sanford’s combination election soiree/Appalachian sex extravaganza went on sale this morning. Normally an event like this is open only to campaign staff and financial contributors but given Wednesday’s confirmation that Sanford’s exploits have no political consequences, he wanted to invite the public. Invitations that read, “Come get literally fucked by me before you’re figuratively fucked by me” were distributed to all voters responsible for Sanford’s victory over Democratic challenger Elizabeth Colbert Busch. “We’re holding the shindig at an Appalachian hideaway as a tongue-in-cheek wink to the whole, you know, that thing,” said Jon Kohan, Sanford’s campaign manager. The party, sponsored by Viagara and the Koch Brothers, begins with a seafood buffet at 8pm, a prayer of gratitude by Pastor David Helms at 10pm and a Mistress-For-Five-Minutes Fuck Train for Budget Cuts at 10:30pm. Please be advised that any homosexual activity, whether intentional or accidental, are grounds for immediate expulsion. Image Credit:...

West Memphis, AR By Joshua Mauldin A normal 26-year-old, non-white human female who worked ten hours a day to support her daughter and felt too shy about her body to post pictures on social media was found strangled to death this morning at her residence. Police suspect her unemployed, alcoholic boyfriend of six months who friends say routinely overreacted whenever she talked to male coworkers…wait, wait, wait, don’t stop reading. Forget I said that. Phew, much better. The Jodi Arias’ verdict is in and CNN’s got every lurid detail of this craaaaazy case:...

Bismarck, ND – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A source speaking in omnipotence divulged this morning that The Almighty is “more than a little worried” about an amendment to the North Dakota constitution that would define life at conception and award a zygote all rights of citizenship.”If lawmakers decide to prosecute retroactively, the Ancient of Days could be facing over six million counts of murder.” When pressed about why miscarriage was built into the divine plan in the first place, the source explained that flippantly discarding fertilized eggs is all a part of the Alpha and the Omega’s mysterious ways. “He knew you before he formed you in the womb but sometimes he’s just not that into you.” Ephraim Abramowitz, legal representative for the Hope of Israel, says proving YHWH’s complicity in a prematurely terminated pregnancy won’t be hard. “If it can be shown that the mother did nothing to warrant a miscarriage, we’re screwed. Adonai’s penchant for aborticide is well established.” Abramowitz points to the Old Testament as more than enough to establish precedent. “Good luck convincing a jury that the Amalek slaughter wasn’t a wholesale edict to murder, among everyone else, the unborn Amalekite children. El Shaddai’s bloody fingerprints are all over that book.” To sway the opinion of North Dakota voters, I Am has formed a Super PAC aimed at presenting scientific evidence against the early consciousness of embryos, but Abramowitz isn’t optimistic. “He’s been poisoning their minds against science for so long, I doubt they’ll consider it. But hey, mysterious ways right?” Image Credit:...

San Francisco, CA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin A representative from Yelp!, the website dedicated to costumer-based business reviews, addressed the media Friday morning to warn users that the level of whining is reaching a dangerous high. “Our system isn’t built to handle the absurd amount of bellyaching, pentulance and otherwise griping posted by reviewers every second.” In an effort to level off the hazardous complaining, Yelp! is asking that users exercise common sense before bashing an establishment for minuscule inconveniences. “For [expletive deleted]’s sake, not every minor imperfection is worth writing six paragraphs of childish grousing.” The representative went on to provide examples of what isn’t worth bunching one’s boxers over. “All gyms play terrible music, you’re going to listen to your iPod anyway, why would you bitch about that? And restaurants, unless you actually have Celiac disease, the lack of gluten-free menu choices isn’t a ‘serious concern.’ If you do have celiac disease, don’t go to an Italian restaurant in the first place.” Further guidelines of what does not constitute a legitimate complaint will be posted to Yelp!’s main page this afternoon. Image Credit:...

  My favorite Michael Bay film…since I don’t remember The Rock. I know, I’m as surprised as you...

You probably missed it. Distributors offered us lots of reasons to go shopping on Record Store Day Saturday, including special limited edition vinyl releases by everybody from Bob Dylan to Brian Eno to Pink Floyd to Willie Nelson. Did you support your local mom & pop record store? Does your city still have one to support? Chi Cheng, bassist for the Deftones, has died. He was 42. A 2008 car accident left him in a coma, and although he showed signs of improvement over the years, he never fully recuperated. Rest in peace, Chi. Also, farewell to album cover artist Storm Thorgerson, who passed away Thursday. One of the greatest artists to ever focus on cover art, Thorgerson’s portfolio includes the majority of the Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin catalogues, as well as work for Peter Gabriel, Muse, the Mars Volta and many others. The first Ozzy fronted Black Sabbath album in over 30 years is being released in the U.S. June 11th. Titled 13, the original lineup is in full swing, with the exception of a new drummer (Brad Wilk from Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave.) A full U.S. tour is also in the works. Rumor has it that the Rolling Stones U.S. dates that just went on sale will be their last. If my sources are correct, and seeing the Stones is on your bucket list, I’d encourage you to pony up that extra couple of hundred bucks and buy those tickets. Summer festival season is upon us, and I am writing this as I pack my bags for this weekend’s second round of Coachella 2013. Headliners include Blur, the Stone Roses, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Wu Tang Clan, Phoenix, the xx, and Sigur Ros. Full report next week,...

London, UK – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin Backed by a band of certified godless musicians, famed biologist and outspoken freethinker Richard Dawkins is currently recording a cover album of popular songs with atheist-approved lyrics aimed at eliminating religious concepts in well-known arrangements. “Music is one of the ways the dangerous meme of religion infects our brain,” remarked Dawkins from his London recording studio. “I want to attack that meme by correctly identifying the metaphorical poisons found in the words.” The first single to be released from the upcoming album is a cover of Bon Jovi’s hit Livin’ on a Prayer with a prayer replaced by An Inconsequential Wish. “The idea that an omnipotent God exists and can be concerned by a human plea of any kind is beneath us as a species.” Dawkins says he got the idea while listening to Seasons of Love from the soundtrack to the musical Rent. “One refrain contends that love is a gift from up above. If that’s true then so is AIDS. Religious explanations for adapted biological instincts of social kinship should not be tolerated by thinking individuals.” As far as his singing voice, Dawkins plans on utilizing an auto-tuning device to help him stay in key. “I wasn’t blessed with…oh dear, please don’t print that…I wasn’t given as highly an evolved set of vocal chords as my fellow primates.” Below is a tentative track listing: 1. Livin’ On A Prayer / Livin’ On An Inconsequential Wish 2. Sympathy For The Devil / Sympathy For The Mythological Counterpart To The Israelite War God YHWH 3. Stairway To Heaven / Stairway To The Fanciful Realm Of Eternal Adulation For A Supreme Dictator 4. Proud Mary / Proud Jewish Woman Erroneously Attributed To Birthing The Fabricated Third Incarnation Of...

New York, NY – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin A last-minute grassroots movement by New York Jets’ fans awarded Mark Sanchez the cover of popular NFL video game Madden 2013. Until this morning, Barry Sanders and Adrian Peterson were battling for the honor but Jets’ fans flooded the voting system with an unprecedented wave of support for their maligned quarterback. Etrick Sims, devoted fan and organizer of the coup, noted it wasn’t hard to garner the needed support. “Even I was in favor of giving the guy a break, but the [expletive deleted] Buttfumble…Jesus Christ. Since management doesn’t seem interested in replacing him, we had to take drastic measures.” Drastic measures in this case comes in the form of invoking what’s come to be known as “The Madden Curse.” For different reasons, since the mid-2000’s, many of the recipients of the Madden cover have suffered either a serious injury or a let-down the following season. “We don’t wish any serious harm on the guy, just a nagging sprain or a light fracture, something like that.” Image Credit: NY Daily...

Dear Dr. Miro, Why is it that EVERY time my partner & I make love he wants me to give him oral (and I do!) but he seldom returns the favor. We do it at least four times a week and my boyfriend only goes down on me twice a month at the most! What should I do? Shouldn’t he KNOW this is unfair? Sincerely, Not Just Another Giver Dear NJAG, Sounds like he is communicating his needs and perhaps you need to learn how to express yours. Boyfriend may be under the impression that all is well in your sex life. Since you did not mention whether or not you have discussed this with him, I will assume you have not. It is that idea of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. It would be a wonderful world if our lovers all knew intuitively exactly what we wanted them to do but that is not the way it is. In order to get what you want, you must ask for it. How great you are such an accommodating partner but it is only building ill feelings if you are not being pleased in the way(s) you wish. I would venture to guess if your BF was aware of these feelings of injustice he would step up his game. Speak to him directly about how you would really like to have him go down on you more often. Have a conversation in which you firmly state your desires – no wishy washy ‘uhm, it would kind of be sort of nice if you would consider…’ type nonsense. Just come out and say what YOU want without accusations or tip toeing. Of course, there is the possibility your man may not enjoy “returning the favor”....

Kansas City, MO – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin Following the lead of Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck’s notion that water should be privatized, Hallmark CEO Horatio Alton included human emotions denoting affection, loyalty and compassion as privileges better left managed by corporate interests. “Look at all the love we waste in the United States alone. Unrequited feelings for one’s partner. Selfless generosity for ungrateful children. Heck, the amount of endearment exhausted on cats is proof enough that people cannot be trusted to dispense of love effectively.” Alton’s remarks come on the eve of Hallmark’s new lobbying effort to anoint itself as the only qualified arbiter of adoration. “We’ve put in place a fee-for-service paradigm that maximizes offering and acceptance ratios, coordinates infatuation, outlaws feline domesticity and guarantees efficient distribution of sentiment, fondness and gratitude.” If adopted into law, citizens will be required to consult with Hallmark representatives prior to expressions of positivity, as well as purchase all forms of said expressions through Hallmark and Hallmark-related subsidiaries. “We’re proud to be at the forefront of ending the socialist stranglehold on affection through loving, government-mandated free market privatization schemes.” Image Credit:...

Washington, DC – Monday By Joshua Mauldin A Justice Department official announced this morning that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the nineteen-year-old suspected of carrying out the marathon bombings in Boston last week, will be declared an Intergalactic Alien. The announcement comes as a response to criticism of the department’s denial of Miranda Rights for Tsarnaev. “We understand the constitutional problems in withholding certain rights for naturalized citizens, no matter how dispicable,” said the official, “and we’re tired of ignoring military treaty regulations that prevent us from coercively interrogating enemy combatants. We’ve decided to classify him in a way that best absolves us from legal ramifications.” Declaring Tsarnaev an Intergalactic Alien allows the Justice Department to forgo all forms of due process and hold the suspect without charges indefinitely, under any conditions it so chooses. “Do you remember that scene in Independence Day when Will Smith punched that slimy alien bastard in the face? No one objected to that. All we’re doing in this case is welcoming Tsarnaev to Earth.” When asked if making exceptions to constitutional protections whenever they feel like it waters a citizen’s right down to a suggestion, the official shrugged. “Probably, who cares? Google ‘Patriot Act’ and see how interested this country is in that question.” Image Credit:...

Cambridge, MA – Friday By Joshua Mauldin James Exton, Professor of Theoretical Mathematics at MIT, announced this morning that he’s finally solved a puzzle that’s stumped mathematicians for years. “Flo Rida [the stage moniker of Tramar Lacel Dillard – pictured here shirtless while crushing an orange for some reason] is a diabolically clever ruse but I’m pretty sure I figured it out.” Exton says the notations are complicated and outside the understanding of not just laypersons but many professionals who work in his field. “Suffice it to say, the answer is important.” Important is an understatement. According to Exton, the letters F L O R I D A are actually mathematical symbols that correspond perfectly to an experimental theory detailing the complex framework of quantum mechanics. “To be blunt, Flo Rida is a map back to the Big Bang.” Given this revelation, a representative from Flo Rida’s Florida-based record label operating out of Florida released this statement from the state of Florida: “Mr. Rida was expecting to divulge this secret on his death bed, but the cat’s out of the bag. He would like to congratulate Professor Exton for his keen observation and impressive calculations. Well played, but this is just the...

Los Angeles, CA – Thursday By Joshua Mauldin A white male in his early thirties, who calls himself a writer, admitted to friends earlier this week that he hasn’t seen one episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones. Despite confessing he’s watched at least twenty episodes of Restaurant Impossible and Chopped on The Food Network this last year, the man still hasn’t found time to catch up on a television show that all research indicates should appeal to him. “I’m sure it’s awesome, honestly, but episodic television like that is addictive,” the man said responding in anonymity to the suggestion he watch the first two seasons to catch up. “If I watch one, I have to watch the second and the next thing I know I’m wallowing in twenty-four hours worth of Red Bull cans, Cheetos’ dust and chinese take-out boxes.” Hadassah Bling, a marketing executive at HBO, says incidents like this are rare but not entirely without precedent. “Even though Game of Thrones is tailor made for him, he isn’t required to watch it. Not every progressive lesbian watches Rachel Maddow. Some people with an actual sense of humor occasionally tune in to Chelsea Lately. We did our job. We stuffed it full of sex, violence and freaking dragons, it’s not our fault he’s an...

Dear Dr. Miro, My girlfriend says she can’t cum with another person. Before you ask, YES! She does get off when she’s by herself but just not in front of anyone else or with anybody. I REALLY want to give her a big O but she gets too embarrassed and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. (When I found her vibrator, she almost started crying!) I’m becoming kind of obsessed. I’ve always been able to make my girlfriend’s come. What do I do? Sincerely, Feeling Bad ‘Cos I Want to Please Dear FBCIWtP, First of all, back off of the idea of giving your girlfriend an orgasm as an ultimate goal. This has become about your self-esteem wrapped up in whether or not your lover can climax. It is understandable how you would want to help her have this ultimate pleasure as well as how this can injure your image of yourself. It is not about MAKING someone else have an orgasm. This needs to be re-framed as a journey of feeling good and comfortable rather than a goal that MUST be reached. Stop bugging her about it as she is obviously suffering severe stress and shame regarding her sexual pleasure. This is only going to create performance anxiety. Not only is she going to feel as if she is failing as a woman by not being able to do this thing that every magazine says she needs to do, your Lady is now having the double pressure of failing YOU. Imagine the stress she must be experiencing. Your prowess as a lover is not being reflected in whether or not your woman comes. Of course you want to help her have this experience. It is great news that not only is your...

Washington, DC – Wednesday By Joshua Mauldin Rumors that Fox News contributor, former advisor to President George W. Bush and Satan’s most prized concubine had spontaneously combusted when the frothing fecal matter he’s composed of reached a critical mass, have been silenced by reporters this morning. ABC News correspondents found him alive and well at his Washington, DC office. “He was resting in a leather recliner sipping a glass of vintage, circa 2000 disenfranchised voter’s blood,” said ABC News Bureau Chief Hebron Fells. “At first we thought someone may have jammed eyeglasses on a walrus and propped it against the wall but no, it was him all right.” Americans are being advised to put away all celebratory items until that engorged excrement pinata finally does explode. “It’ll be any day now,” Fells went on to say. “No container can hold that much rotting refuse for long.” Image Credit: American Crossroads...

Dear Madam HR, I want to bring my dog to work, but my HR Department won’t let me. Why are they so mean? Dog Lover Yo Dog, Thanks Google—thanks for creating all these fun and friendly workplaces with all sorts of crazy perks like laundry machines and free food. Oh, and thanks too for telling the whole freaking world about them. I have a secret for you—shhhh! Don’t tell anyone—but you know why Google feeds all their employees a free dinner? Because it means that they’ll never go home, they’ll never leave the sparkling utopia of the Google “campus” (don’t even get me started on how much I hate it when companies call their buildings campuses) and trudge home to, I don’t know, see their kids, hug their wives, live a life that has nothing to do with Google, play with their dog. But wait, it’s brilliant, in that whole list, what was the one thing you actually wanted to do? See your kids? That’s exhausting! Hug your wife? She’s a hopeless nag! Who’s the family member you miss the most? Who’s the only one that lovey-dove-loves you no matter how many times you step on his tail or forget to give him water? (Note to my husband (Monsieur HR):I still contend that wasn’t my fault). So here’s the best part! Now you can bring him to work with you! It’s great, just you and him against the workday. Now you never have to go home, you can spend every waking moment of your life playing ping pong in the employee lounge, getting your clothes dry cleaned over and over, and playing with your dog. Oh, and working! Yes, don’t forget the working! Disclaimer: I have no idea if Google, in fact, allows their...

Pyongyang, NK – Tuesday By Joshua Mauldin North Korea shocked the world this morning by announcing the release of a brand new technology capable of transporting a small nuclear weapon hundreds of miles without refueling. Speaking from the capital to a throng of cheering citizens, Press Security Ryong praised North Korean ingenuity and vision, noting it’s the only manned drone in the world. “Once again the DPRK is at the cutting edge of military technology. Unmanned drones have no pilot. Stupid.” Later, during a conference call with confused UN officials, Ryong backtracked. “No [expletive deleted] guys, it’s from the 1950’s. We keep our people so starved and uneducated they believe any load of elephant [expletive deleted] we tell them. It’s the beauty of a crushing facistic government. I can say whatever I want to you and it doesn’t matter because we control their only news source. I mean seriously, they literally don’t know the difference between a submarine and a submarine sandwich. Though Kim Jong-un sure as hell does, huh? AmIright? Crap, shouldn’t have said that. Oh Jesus. Well, it’s been fun guys. Please tell my wife I love…” UPDATE – Korean Central News Agency is reporting that Press Security Ryong tragically choked to death on a submarine sandwich. Western sources believe his wife has not been informed of his affection and expect her to have trouble swallowing a hoagie within the hour. Image Credit:...

London, UK – Monday By Joshua Mauldin Morrissey’s new song won’t drop until the summer, but the former frontman of The Smiths isn’t waiting until then to open up about his whirlwind relationship with country superstar Taylor Swift. “She did to my emotions what Margaret Thatcher did to the Falklands,” lamented the 53-year-old crooner. “My mates told me to keep my guard around her but a bloke’s heart wants what it wants.” The two met at a charity event for homeless kittens and instantly hit it off. Things progressed naturally for two months until Morrissey bought a house in Nashville to be closer to her; a gesture Swift didn’t appreciate much. “She told me we were moving too fast. Being around me was brilliant and all but she wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. I hope a doubledecker bus crashes into her.” Reached for comment, Swift shrugged and rolled her eyes, “Steven puts ridiculous expectations on his lovers to push them away so he can use the fake heartbreak to fuel his material. That crap plays well to his fans, I guess, but everyone else thinks it’s obnoxious. Good riddance.” Image Credit: The...

Hollywood, CA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin AccuraPoll, the company commissioned by major studios to set box office expectations, shocked the industry this morning by announcing that, despite having viewed the trailer, a small fraction of multicellular organisms plan to attend screenings of Scary Movie 5 this weekend. Davis Champlagne, chief executive in charge of tracking the franchise’s fifth installment, could hardly believe the news. “We expected this behavior from unicellular animals, dormant viruses already attached to the seats or bacteria floating in the theater air, but organisms capable of complex biological processes?” Further confusing the matter, AccuraPoll says homo sapiens, a highly evolved member of the Hominidae family, are the offending organisms. “We showed the trailer to cats, dogs, raccoons, lizards, bears, fruit flies, etc and always received one of two results: exasperated frustration or utter indifference.” Koko, a gorilla capable of understanding sign language, rolled her eyes through the first minute, mimicked a masturbation gesture through the second and upon recognizing both Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, vigorously hurled feces at the screen. With a reaction like that in gorillas, fellow hominids should naturally follow suit, but not all of them did. “A small portion chuckled, a few even laughed. We really don’t know what to make of it.” Champlagne says that although their predictions are mostly accurate, they don’t always come to fruition. “We saw a similar phenomenon with The Host earlier this year but it turned out to be an error in data collection. Let’s hope we’re wrong about Scary Movie 5...

Santa Monica, CA – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock. featured image credit: danny...

Mobile, AL – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin Alabama Republican, Anderson Smoo, proposed a bill in the state legislature Thursday that seeks to establish the beginning of life when a woman imbibes a second beer, cocktail or glass of wine. Personhood measures are popular in conservative states these days but Smoo doesn’t think they go far enough. “Those measures are all well and good but we need to nip the real causes of abortion in the bud before that conversation happens.” Smoo believes that, “no self-respectin” woman has more than one drink unless she’s trying to silence her inhibitions, inhibitions that often lead to conception. “Drunk women are the number one cause of unwanted pregnancies. I don’t have any fancy studies to back that up but everyone knows it’s true.” Critics point out that this bill has nothing to do with abortion and everything to do with Smoo’s daughter not using protection with a friend of a friend after succombing to inebriation. “If I can save other fathers from the shame and embarrassment that she’s caused me then you’re damn right I’m going to. I can’t walk into church without hearin’ snickers.” Women’s rights activists criticised Smoo further for enacting nonsensical legislation to “comfort the bruising of his misguided ego” instead of seeking prosecution for what was most likely rape. “Men try to get laid, can’t blame ’em for that. Lord knows I’ve done my share of greasin’ a lady’s wheels in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I wanna kill him, but if Jennifer had kept her damn legs closed this disgrace never would’ve happened. I did not raise her to be a [expletive deleted] whore.” With a small majority of middle-aged men with daughters in the legislature, analysts predict the bill to...

There are lies, regular goddamn lies, and then the things people tell you about having a baby. Whether it’s a relative, a cashier, somebody else’s grandma, a stranger on the street or a fellow parent at the park, it doesn’t matter; they will tell you something about parenting or babies and they will say it with such conviction and authority that when you hear it over and over again you will begin to believe them, regardless of the overwhelming anecdotal evidence available to you in your own everyday life. Before you believe their lies and go down a path you cannot come back from I urge you to consider these commonly held baby myths and watch me destroy them. 1. Sleeping Like a Baby: Whoever thought up this phrase should be shot. Or, forced to sleep next to a baby or two for a couple of months. Babies don’t sleep like babies unless you mean for a couple of hours at a time with a pacifier in their mouth and being gently rocked by a loving grandparent. I would love to sleep like that, although I don’t think my grandparents, were they still alive, had the requisite strength to hoist this big boy in their laps for a split second, let alone a couple of hours. Of course, if you mean do I wake up scared and/or hungry every couple of hours, then yes, I’m sleeping like baby thank you very much. 2. You Will Become a Morning Person: No you will not. You will get up in the morning. In fact you will get up in the middle of the night. Does this make you a middle of the night person? No. You will get up in the morning because your baby or...

Anderson, KY – 9:30am PST By Joshua Mauldin Genesisland, the oldest creationist museum in the United States will close its doors Friday for the first time since opening in 1953. Burt Winegaard, owner and operator for the past 30 years cites the popularity of God’s Plan, a brand new museum four miles east as the reason. “You have to be able to evol…err, change to be able to compete, we couldn’t do it.” God’s Plan is a five-story museum and theme park boasting a fully interactive Young-Earth experience. “They’ve got talking robotic brontosauruses to illustrate man’s relationship with dinosaurs, our mute, stationary ones are no match for that.” This isn’t the first time Genesisland has been challenged by a competing museum. “Ten years ago when Bibletown opened up I thought we were finished. Back then we had basic illustrations, shirts, a few dolls, nothing as good as them. Fortunately for us, at the last minute we got an unexpected grant from a mega-church to upgrade our facilities.” With the assistance of that random investment, Winegaard was able to weather Bibletown‘s threat and ultimately put them out of business. “We were hoping for another lucky break, oh well. Everything happens for a reason, just wish I knew what that reason was.” featured image credit: Kaptain...

Tacoma, WA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin A three-year study by the advocacy group Center For Cannabis Justice concluded Wednesday that people who report panic attacks and other heightened levels of anxiety from THC have simply not been exposed to the substance correctly. Lead researcher and amateur musician/philosopher Trip Bongmaster, who legally changed his name from Trent Burmaster in 2009, believes his group’s findings have proven that when done right, marijuana can be nothing but good times. “In every one of our trials, participants who reported harsh trips in the past had a killer high when placed on an old couch in a sparsely lit room with ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ leading the way.” Bongmaster blames pharmaceutical companies for intentionally perpetuating misinformation on the potential for paranoia with THC use. “That’s what they’re all about. They want to keep us hooked on Xanax and Prozac so they can make record profits and turn us into to mindless robots. Don’t smoke weed, it’ll make you freak out, take our lab poison instead. And it doesn’t stop there. It goes way deeper than that.” Those interested in finding out just how deep it goes are invited to attend the next Center For Cannabis Justice meeting possibly this Saturday, depends on, you know, what’s up in the air this weekend. featured image credit: Torben Bjorn...

Dear Dr. Miro, This isn’t really a sex question but it is because it’s affecting my sex life. My boyfriend keeps getting angry at me every time I try to help him with anything. All I do is offer my opinion and he says that I need to get off his back or that I’m being a nag. I don’t get it. I thought we were supposed to be a team but whenever I try to do stuff with him he gets annoyed. We can’t even wash the dishes together! He has become almost totally turned off and avoids me or makes a huffy noise when he sees me coming toward him claiming that he’s now just waiting to hear how he’s doing something wrong. We love each other very much but now he isn’t as interested in me sexually. Worrying about it seems to make everything worse and awkward. Sincerely, Guy Who Wants to Stand By His Man Dear GWWtSBHM, One of the best pieces of advice I have heard was, “Just because you know the right way to do something, does not mean you have to let everyone else know.” Sometimes, when offering unsolicited advice, the person you are trying to assist will interpret this as An Interference. And in essence, you are interfering with his flow! Whatever it was he was doing before you stepped in was going fine and if it was not he would have, hopefully, asked for your guidance. It may not have been the way YOU would have done it but that is part of releasing control and allowing others to be themselves. The idea of being in a partnership requires you to have faith that your significant other is capable of making decisions on his or...

Rocksville, AR – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Arkansas Facebook servers crashed for seventeen seconds this morning when a Rocksville resident wrote an unrecognizable sequence of letters in the comment section of his son’s page. “I’ve argued about gay marriage with David for years, ” said Kenneth Wilton, a 43-year-old previous proponent of traditional values, “but the meme he posted forced me to realize my views were based more in emotion than logic.” When Wilton wrote, “You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry” on the meme thread, the words caused a glitch in Facebook’s programming design. Gwen Halpern, Technical Director in charge of the momentary crash, admitted the Facebook framework wasn’t prepared for that specific phrase to inputted. “Quite frankly, we’ve never seen this happen before. Facebook was designed for people of opposing views to argue back and forth until one person gives up, planning for phrases of contrition seemed unnecessary.” Though the servers recovered shortly after crashing, a long term fix for the issue has yet to be implemented. “We’re working on it but it’s not a priority. Mr. Wilton’s change of heart is most likely an anomaly.” featured image credit: Franco...

OK- I’ve got a question for you: Do you watch The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon? If you answered “yes” – then I’ve got a follow up question: What is the absolute worst show that you currently watch on television? If you didn’t answer “Why, The Following on Fox, starring Kevin Bacon, of course.” Then I can only draw three possible conclusions about you: You’re wrong You’re crazy You’re Kevin Bacon Now, if you are Kevin Bacon- then welcome! I hope you’ll enjoy California Seething – please feel free to tweet about it? Do you tweet? Do people follow you? Why???? I mean, no offense, but why would anyone possibly care what you have to say about anything? Are people’s lives that empty and meaningless that they have to be like “Oh my God, North Korea has nuclear weapons. What does the kid from Footloose have to say about that?” or “Oh no. Roger Ebert just died. Maybe Kyra Sedgewick’s squeeze can offer me some solace.” I mean, you know, no offense. I loved you in Flatliners, A Few Good Men and Murder in the First. I mean, I didn’t love your acting ‘cause, come on, that’s terrible. You’re just another second rate 80’s Tiger Beat, James Dean wannabe who does the “I’m kind of a dick ‘cause I’m misunderstood” thing, like a less interesting Kiefer Sutherland or a less dead Corey Haim. But the fact that I knew that you were IN those movies- well, that was fantastic for me. Come on- Kevin Bacon to Debra Winger: Kevin Bacon – Julia Roberts- Richard Gere- Debra Winger. BOOM. Kevin Bacon to Humphrey Bogart: Kevin Bacon – Kevin Pollak – Walter Matthau – Audrey Hepburn- Humphrey Bogart- BRING IT BITCHEZ! Kevin Bacon to Me –...

“No one ever erected a statue in honor of a critic.” Whenever I hear that quote from now on, I’ll think of Roger Ebert, who finished this lifetime yesterday and should definitely have a statue put up in honor of his brilliant, brilliant mind. I wish he could have stayed with us forever. That all honored, let’s procrastinate on this: 1. Speaking of brilliant minds, soon-to-be-mom Delia Hauser from Martha Stalwart pointed out to me that I needn’t have bought an expensive pumping bra. I could just cut two holes in an old running bra and voila, hands-free pumping. I tried this at home, and I won’t post a pic, but I will say it totally worked! So heads up to other pumping moms. 2. As someone who just had to use our emergency fund to pay a much higher than expected tax bill, I loved this friendly reminder about how it’s more important to build your emergency fund than pay off all your debt. [The Simple Dollar] 3. I also loved, loved, loved this defense of using current music in historical movies, citing the peasants rocking out to “We Will Rock You” in the (in my opinion) way underappreciated A KNIGHT’S TALE: Imagine if this scene had had music that was appropriate to the period. It would sound to our modern ears like ye olde lute music, and would result in a kind of Disneyland feeling. But by using Queen’s anthem “We Will Rock You,” and incorporating it into the action (the peasants are actually clapping and singing along), we are suddenly electrified with the knowledge of what a jousting event really would have been like in the 1400s. It was a fucking rock show, people. It was not ye olde dancing and funny...

My mom used to do a thing she called “Silly Smorgasbord.” She’d raid the refrigerator for leftovers and the cabinets for quick items she could skid out onto the table to cobble up a dinner for my stepbrothers and me. That might sound like a lesser meal plan, but I always loved silly smorgasbord. I loved the name. And I loved the assortment of tastes and surprises. Some of my favorite dinners were silly smorgasbord. So for this installment of Hippie Squared I raided the pages of my journal and plated some recent rough draft riffs on a smorgasbord of topics. By way of preparation, I marinated a couple in their own juices, then set them to simmer at a slow rolling boil. (Say that three times fast.) I set one on the windowsill to cool. I trimmed the crust off one. Added a dash of hot sauce here, a sprinkle of cheese over there. Had fun makin’ it. Hope you enjoy it. Let’s riff on gay marriage for a minute: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…” and on into the inalienable rights part—that’s basically the Mission Statement for our country. It’s not in the Constitution. It’s from the Declaration of Independence. Which means there’s debate about whether it even carries the force of law. But it carries a heaping freight of moral force, doesn’t it? And in a way it’s a challenge issued to history by Tom Jefferson, John Adams and Ben Franklin—the committee who wrote it—and all the other guys who signed it—that has resounded down the decades and around the world and back. All the ways we’ve fallen short of that challenge. All the ways those men fell short of that challenge—most of them...

Dear Mme. HR, I have a chronic health condition which requires me to see doctors regularly during the day. My boss is totally unsympathetic and even though I’m supposed to be exempt, she’s trying to make me track all these appointments as sick hours. Do I have to do that? I thought being exempt meant they couldn’t track my time? Plus I’m always working events on nights and weekends so shouldn’t they pay me OT if they’re gonna make me track sick hours? I tried talking to her but she just flew of the handle about it and the HR Department at my company is totally unhelpful. What should I do? Boss Makes Me Sick Dear Sick, Your letter has caused me to reflect a little on what I often don’t, and that, my friends, is that the “H” in “HR” stands for human. Then how ironic is it that sometimes it seems there is nothing human about what we do? And, dear readers, if there is anyone out there who is a dyed in the wool, hard core, pant suit wearing, spunky short hairdo HR professional, and I’ve just offended you and the cat poster on your wall, then all I can say is: I’ve just offended you now? Where have you been the past year? Please, go back and read my other posts, please, my self-esteem likes to see them pop up in the FaN top 5. In these types of situations I always ask myself, what are we afraid of by doing the right thing for the employee? Are we afraid that you aren’t really sick and you’re just scamming us into taking lots of afternoons off? Are we afraid of setting a precedent in the company and now everyone wants...

Bioshock Infinite was released on Tuesday, but those who share my affinity for the midnight launch ran out at midnight on Monday to charge, not into Rapture, that slumbering underwater dystopia, but to Columbia, floating sky city of tomorrow. Well, as envisioned by the academic elite of 1911 anyways. Clearly it’s a stark departure from what we’re used to in exploring the art deco halls of Rapture, but my excitement couldn’t be more overstated right now. This, I very much believe, will set the standard for immersion and storytelling in gaming and here’s why. Ken Levine is back Bioshock 2 was good. Very good, in fact. But it didn’t quite have the magic of the original. And I believe a big part of that was not having Ken involved. It’s not uncommon for publishers in any medium to rush a sequel of a proven success and while Bioshock 2 was carefully constructe and faired better than most, there was something missing and I’m glad to see the original vision of the Bioshock series is returning in Infinite. The sky is the limit One of my good friends told me recently that Infinite looked horrible on account of being a floating sky city. I can understand that position because of the radical departure from the world of Rapture, but I feel like there is a TON of potential here that the hesitant should consider. For starters, being set 40 or so years before the original allows for a alot of development and throwbacks to the characters we’re used to. Hopefully we’ll see the origins of some of the characters we came to love in Bioshock 1 and 2 like Andrew Ryan, Sophia Lamb, Fontaine, Tenenbaum, and so forth. This could enrich the mythos considerably or,...

Hi, Everyone!  This is JP stealing the blog again.  Jenny’s working double-time on a film and a commercial, both at the same time because apparently sleep is for amateurs.  So, it’s a good time for me to put in my five cents on one of my favorite stops during our trip to Europe: The Doctor Who Experience in Cardiff, England! As this is Fierce and Nerdy, I don’t need to explain what Doctor Who is or why it’s the greatest TV show ever.  (And what better show for a travel blog, than a story about an ageless wanderer who can travel anywhere and everywhere?) I grew up watching daily re-runs of Doctor Who on our local PBS station. Weekdays at 6pm the series ran in order, starting with William Hartnell’s “An Unearthly Child” all the way through the end of Colin Baker’s “The Trial of a Timelord”. Sundays would be one of the “new” Sylvester McCoy episodes. So, even though our plans for England originally didn’t involve us going near Cardiff, I knew I’d never forgive myself if we didn’t try to go The Doctor Who Experience. We started our day by catching an early train from London to Cardiff, the capital of Whales. Cardiff gets a bad rap as being boring. So, we were pleasantly surprised when we found that the main area of Cardiff has a castle to explore, and a central shopping area that was a cool mix of New and Old with everything from pubs to churches to name brand stores. Very eclectic.  Very cool. And, it’s only a two-hour train ride from London. These factors alone make Cardiff a nice little day trip if, like us, you’ll check out any place you’ve never been to just to see what it’s like. Downtown Cardiff is right...

This past week, Obama took his first ever trip to Israel and, in order to ensure that he never, ever, ever wants to come back, the King David Hotel in Jerusalem made him keep Kosher for Passover even though the holiday doesn’t officially start til today. This was partially because the preparations for Passover are so extensive that the hotel had to have them done before he and all of his staff arrived in order to ensure that the hotel would be ready by the first night of Passover and partially because Israelis are dicks. It’s actually just another example of the long tradition of Israeli presidential-hazing; like in 1974, when they made Richard Nixon fast for Yom Kippur even though he was visiting in June, and in 1992, when they sent George H.W. Bush a jar of expired gefilte fish and told him to save it for his big trip to Japan- and to eat it right before a formal banquet (Best moment in Bush family history. Hands fucking down. God, that’s a terrible family. Why can’t they be more like the Kennedys – you know, all liberal and dead and shit? Come on, Jeb- it’s not too late to learn to fly! I’m sure we can get someone to invite you to a wedding on Martha’s Vineyard during a particularly foggy weekend. #instrumentflyingiseasy #justdontkillyourwifenandhersister #dickmovejohnjohn.) And, of course, who could forget the best Israeli Presidential prank ever in 1993, when they signed the Oslo accords and acted like they cared about peace. Ha! Good one! Boy, you should have seen Clinton’s face when he found out they were kidding. He was deeply saddened and disappointed. And can you blame him? The Second Intifada was like an episode of Punk’d with Ariel Sharon...

Dear Dr. Miro, One of my newest lovers claims it always takes him forever to come. What is up with that and how can I help move things along? Is this a thing? I got sh*t to do. What if I need a quickie? Sincerely, Woman On the Go! Dear WOtG, What does he mean by forever? Make sure not to use condoms or lubricants that have numbing agents. Certainly some guys take longer than others – this is human – but I wonder why he was even telling you this. Since this relationship is in the beginnings, it is possible he was nervous and simply babbling. Perhaps he was trying to impress you and wrongly believed you would be intrigued by his claims of stamina. Do not put too much thought into him until you have decided you are sexually compatible. If you need a quickie, I suggest going to one of your other lovers until you figure this one out. After all this, if you still need suggestions about speeding things up, get back to me. Lust & Happiness, Dr. Miro featured image credit: Keith...

Dear Dr. Miro, I love sex and maybe that’s an issue. I’m 22 and live with my girlfriend who’s 12 years older than me. In the beginning of Us, it was sex all the time and now I’ll be lucky when I can get some. When she says “no” I get mad and sometimes I want to call someone to “hang out” with. I work overnights and when I come home instead of being tired I’m all horny for her and trying to turn her on but she pushes me away! I want to have fun, but she doesn’t understand me. The most frustrating thing is that my love for her is strong and I can’t see myself with someone else. I just want this to work but she acts like there’s something wrong with me. She says this is what happens to lesbians is that true? Sincerely, Want it From HER Bad Dear WIBFH, There’s nothing wrong with loving sex as long as you are not hurting anyone, including yourself, against his or her volition. It sounds like you are in dangerous territory in that you are beginning to look elsewhere to fulfill your cravings. You cannot force someone to get “in the mood”. In fact, that is really disrespectful. I get how being rejected by your woman can be frustrating, to say the least. You need to have a conversation with your lady, letting her know where you are coming from. Even tell her you are considering “straying” from the relationship and how this constant refusal of your advances is taking its toll on your relationship. You mention not being able to see yourself with anyone else but that you are tempted to “hang out” with others. Figure out what is something...

After a lovely rainy day of stuffing our faces with chocolate and taking in Geneva, we woke up very early the next morning to catch our train to Salzburg, Austria. This was not going to be a “normal” train ride. For the next 8½ hours (you read that correctly) and one train change in Zurich, we’d be travelling by rail through the Swiss, German, Lichtenstein, and Austrian Alps. Four countries in a few hours, and a whole lot of really high mountains. We couldn’t wait. It was still dark out when we arrived at the train station, but I had tried to organize it all so that the sun would be rising over the Alps as we travelled from Geneva to Zurich. I did the math right, and the results were breathtaking. Normally I encourage people to “play it cool” when travelling and try to not make it glaringly obvious that you’re a tourist. That just wasn’t going to happen. My husband and I were like little kids glued to the outside window of a candy shop; our faces pressed against the train car glass and our eyes filled with wonder. Seeing the Alps for the first time was an awe-inspiring moment, that turned into one amazing view after another. We looked around the train car, and everyone one else was sitting calmly in their seat, not even paying attention to the beauty right outside their window. They’d seen those mountains thousands of times before, and the Alps had lost their wonder. It made me sad for a moment, and then I realized, we would not be able to blend in at all on this ride. We most definitely enjoyed ourselves as tourists, and because of that, kept our guards high. It payed off. Earlier...

Aaah, Downton Abbey and me. A love story no Netflix algorithm could have predicted. For one thing, I hate the rich. From Mitt Romney to Ritchie Rich and every Kardashian in between- they can all go fuck off and die and not leave me anything cause they’re bastards and don’t know me so I hate them. Oh, what’s that you say? I’m not being fair? Oh, I’m, sorry, I didn’t know income inequality was supposed to be FAIR. Tell you what, when they stop squatting on the world’s wealth like a bunch of plutocratic pigeons on a nest of golden eggs, while the rest of us scramble to lick their droppings off cars for a taste of the good life then I’ll stop fantasizing about throwing rocks in their plush, padded nests and poisoning their gluten free bird seed (I also hate birds, btw, so this is a particularly satisfying metaphor. Tee-hee-hee. Dead birds. Tee-hee-hee.) Don’t get me wrong- I’m not saying I’m poor or anything. I’m not a “have” or a “have not”- I’m a “have some” which is a far cry from being a “have enough change on my dresser for subway rides and Ramen til payday” which was me when I lived in New York. Although, because I now “have car” and “have house” and “have 80 year old electrical work in the house which was wired by drunk hobos half-blinded by bathtub gin”, it never feels like I quite “have enough” so I envy and resent those lucky enough to “have more”. At least I “have job” and don’t “have kids”- otherwise I’d “have debt”, but at least I’d “have someone to mooch off of when I’m old” cause I sure as shit won’t “have Social Security” or “have pension”....

Dear Dr. Miro, For a third date, with this guy I REALLY like, I invite him over to my place for dinner and what I was hoping would be more. Then, Dude brought his dog with him even though I was VERY clear before he came that it was a BAD idea. This really really bothered me. He also didn’t want to wear a condom when I asked him to!? On just our third date? So, the dog tore apart my room, got dirt everywhere and there was no way I could relax enough to get lucky. Generally I love animals, in fact I have several birds and a cat – which made the dog’s presence even more complicated, and maybe I could learn to love this dog but in the mean time how do I see this guy without his pet that he takes everywhere? Sincerely, Frustrated Fanny Dear FF, This all sounds like deal breaker material. Why some people insist on forcing their pets on folks who are simply not interested is an entire thing in and of it self. Hey people: nobody finds your fluffy friend as amazing as you do! The bigger issue is the fact you requested a few pretty important things and were ignored. This dismissal of your feelings in regards to bringing his pet with him is completely congruent with not wanting to use a condom. If this guy is unable to hear such simple things in the beginning throws of a relationship, it will be next to impossible later on. No one is questioning your love of animals. What I will call into question is why you would put up with someone who so blatantly ignored your needs. Lust & Happiness, Dr. Miro featured image credit:...

Dear Madame HR, I work for a small (about 50 employees) company that is an internet startup. The majority of our staff are phone sales reps, of which I am one, who report to “John” the VP of Sales. About a month ago, I walked into the men’s room and saw John, doing what looked an awful lot like snorting cocaine at the bathroom sink. Later that afternoon, while taking a smoking break with some of my co-workers I discovered that others have seen John doing suspicious things. Our team leader told us a story of how he was with John at a convention in Vegas and at dinner one night, John brought a stripper to the restaurant and proceeded to make out with her all through dinner. A group of us decided to go talk to the Chief Technology Officer because he is the one executive who has been here longer than 3 months and we trust him. The CTO wasn’t surprised by our story and said he would talk to HR. Well, many weeks have passed and John is still working here. Why haven’t they fired him? Wouldn’t this be immediate grounds for termination? I don’t understand. –Not so Silent Witness Dear Not-so, I love this story! Love, love, love it! Just reading it throws me into a trip down memory lane of all the times someone has sat in my office regaling me with tales of all the debauchery that they have witnessed at the hands of various co-workers/managers/executives. This is my first cocaine/stripper question here at HorroR Stories, but I did have a CEO/prostitute question once. To relive that little bit of glory, click here. Drug use/abuse is one of those sticky tricky HR things that cause many of us...

I was out playing Super Contra on an arcade machine last week, and a non-gamer friend commented on how cool is it was that this game was side-scrolling, unlike that “other Contra” game he’d played on the Playstation, which just “didn’t feel like a Contra game.” After some investigation, I realized that he was talking about Neo Contra. I’ve written a few columns about the difference between video games and movies, and this conversation brought me back to that line of thinking…”What is a sequel in a movie, and what is it in a game? How do they differ?” In my mind, a movie sequel is theme and subject driven. For example, in the second Back to the Future, Marty goes to a totally different time zone, with some new tricks (flying cars and hover boards). In the fourth Star Wars, the much maligned Episode 1, we visit characters from the previous trilogy in a different time, but the through-line is the common fiction and character lineage. Those are both good ideas for a sequel (well yeah, maybe if the Star Wars ones had been executed well). They delve further into the subject matter of those worlds. For a video game, I think part of the issue is that video games always tend to follow movie models. And the issue with that, is that games have special needs that are unique to games, and nonexistent in movies. In the years before games, movies, TV, and radio were the main media of technological form. So it made sense in the early years of games to take a little of what movies do, a little of what software does, mix them in a bowl, and out comes a video game. However, I think time has shown that...

Dead Weight is the second installment in the Lizzy Gardner detective series by T.R Ragan. In this installment a dying mother contacts Lizzy. Her daughter went missing over twenty years ago and was last seen accepting a ride from an unknown man after her car broke down on the side of the road. She wants to know her daughter’s fate before she dies. Lizzy has also been contacted by a woman whose sister went missing and whose disappearance may be linked to a famous weight loss guru, Anthony Melbourne.  On top of that her newest intern/self defense student/fellow Spiderman victim, Hayley Hansen, keeps disappearing for long periods of time. Unbeknownst to Lizzy, Hayley has been exacting revenge on the all the men who sexually assaulted her in exchange for providing her drug addict mother with her fix. She hasn’t killed anyone yet, but she is working up to it. Can Lizzy find out what happened to Carol Fullerton before her mother succumbs to cancer? Can Lizzy locate Diane Kramer or at least connect Anthony Melbourne to her disappearance? Dead Weight is a great follow-up to Abducted. With her usual deft skill, Ragan brings the reader into the novel with clean crisp prose that doesn’t get in the way of the narrative. There are a few twists and turns in this novel that don’t feel forced, but grow organically out of the storyline. It’s a great read. If you liked this post, please do us the further boon of Liking the Fierce and Nerdy page on FaceBook. Also, we’re giving great stream on Twitter, so do give us...

I frequently write and shoot video extolling the virtues of modern games, but seldom do I dive into anything retro. Well, recently I got to hang out with Muzz from NerdKO and was floored by his collection of games. Such a thing cannot be UNSEEN and amidst this treasure trove of classics I once held dear, I realized there were some pretty gaping (and damning) holes in my personal NES collection. So, here are 5 games I’m searching for and a little background on why that is. 1. Chip ‘N Dale Rescue Rangers Not only did I adore this show growing up in the early 90s, but I fell in love with the video game as well. Even at my young age of only 7 or 8 I could tell that the game was solid compared to other platformers I’d played and I spent a good chunk of my summer playing through the entire thing with my Mom. As Chip (uh, and Dale) you’d run around throwing items at enemies and truthfully it had some of the best graphics around at the time. 2.Metroid Not Prime or Corruption or Other M but the plain old, regular Metroid. Which, if you’ll remember was a milestone for gaming really as you’d discover the hoer, Samus was a woman at the end. It was a pretty big Shymalanian reveal and Nintendo quickly garnered praise for creating a game with deceptively rewarding play and bonus points for shocking all of us after her adventure on planete Zebes. Personally I remember looking at my grandparents’ hand-drawn maps when they were busy beating this title when I was a child and can’t for the life of me remember what I did with my original copy. So, here I am, 20...

Geneva, Switzerland was one of our first destinations in our three-week, whirlwind European holiday. We flew into Geneva from Manchester, UK (A VERY lovely airport, I was impressed by it’s décor, calm atmosphere, and cleanliness) via EasyJet. It had been about five and a half years since I had flown on EasyJet, one of Europe’s most economical airlines. The are the Southwest or JetBlue of Europe, offering fares at amazing prices, with most being somewhere in the double digits. I often advise that if you are travelling to multiple cities in Europe, first check if EasyJet (or RyanAir, another discount airline) flies between the two cities. It’s amazing how often taking a plane is actually cheaper than taking the train. EasyJet does tend to nickel and dime, but in the way almost all airlines are now: checked baggage is extra, more legroom is extra, etc. But, unlike RyanAir, use of their bathroom is complimentary (seriously). I have to say, this flight on EasyJet was much more pleasant than the last, and much more pleasant than most of my Southwest flights as well. The plane was clean, well maintained. The staff was quite lovely and helpful. And I didn’t feel like a stuffed sardine. While the flight was short, as most within Europe are, for being so inexpensive it was very pleasant. If you have the choice between RyanAir and EasyJet for flying in Europe, I would pick EasyJet any day. Once we landed in Geneva, we were shuttled to the main terminal and waited to go through customs. The line was long, but honestly, I was just really happy to get my passport stamped in Switzerland. Traveling by train is wonderfully picturesque, but you do not get any passport stamps when moving from country...

Look, we all know the world is a disappointing place. Sure, we wish that we lived in a world where the sun shines all the time (but not because of global warming), our favorite teams always win and Oscar Pistorius doesn’t murder his girlfriend, but that just ain’t the case. The fact is, we live in a world of blizzards and hurricanes (and not just because of global warming); the only thing that our favorite team wins is ESPN’s “Worst of the Worst” every Friday when they show the fucking butt fumble clip on the “Not Top 10”; and Oscar Pistorius became the single most disappointing disabled role model since the now infamous “Is Stephen Hawking gonna have to choke a bitch?” incident of ’97- as chronicled on his hip-hop album A Brief History of My Foot Up Your Ass. While no month has a monopoly on disappointment, February seems to have more than it’s share. The days are short and the weather is cold but the goodwill, glitz and gluttony of December’s merry holidays have long since been replaced by bigger waistlines and broken promises of a better you. Even the laziest, and drunkest, dads have finally emerged from their Two and a Half Men, Bud Lite, Papa John’s coma long enough to throw the desiccated brown corpse of their once proud Christmas tree out on the street like a kid who flunked out of El Camino Community College, where it lies around hoping that if it just looks pathetic enough, someone will take pity on it and haul it away like the goth-chick scowling in the back of math class, who hopes that if she just looks sad enough the quarterback will see the Disney princess hidden behind the black eyeliner and will...

Dear Dr. Miro, I was just dumped by the love of my life. All my friends say this is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. That’s BullS**t! The best thing that ever happened to me walked away from an amazing relationship and now I feel like I’m going to die. What do I do? He’s already with someone else so I don’t think I can fight for us. How do I deaden this pain? Sincerely, Broken Reject Dear BR, I know it feels like you are going to die. This is why it is called heart break. Your heart is actually in pain! I understand how much situations like this hurt. Sometimes you have to just feel those awful feelings for a while. It does not sound helpful right now but the old adage “time will heal” is pretty dead on. Using the word “dumped” is problematic because it reinforces that garbage feeling. Trash gets dumped. Remember: you are a human and NOT refuse. Words are really important in recovery. So much so that it often helps to simply do an old fashioned journaling technique in which, once a day, you write whatever comes to your head for three pages. Get out all those emotions un-edited onto the paper OR you can write letters to yourself and him. Whatever you do, do NOT send him these rants. It will only serve as fodder in ways you are too delicate to handle at this juncture. Having imaginary conversations that he does not in actuality participate can be incredibly cathartic. One woman I know kept a box filled with all her letters to her ex that she knew better than to send. When it was full, she held an amazingly beautiful bonfire exorcism...

Dear Mme HR, I am a manager and I have about 10 people reporting to me. Most of my employees are great. I have one employee, though, who is really good at her job, but she is crazy. When I say “crazy” I mean that she is almost impossible to deal with. None of my other employees, or managers, want to talk to her, so I carry the brunt of dealing with “Molly” because I’ve learned how to approach her on things and can usually withstand the onslaught I get back from her. I’ll try to be more specific. Recently I was talking to one of the line supervisors, she was saying how a group of them went to a happy hour at a local pub after work on Friday. She said “Even Molly came with us!” I, perhaps foolishly, brought it up to Molly in a very positive way, like “I hear you guys had fun the other night.” Much to my surprise, Molly completely freaked on me. She couldn’t believe that I had heard about that, wanted to know who else knew, if I had told any of the “higher-ups.” She then went to the employee who told me and yelled at her for telling me. Unfortunately, I have a lot of instances like this; I’ve come to just expect that if I have to deal with her on anything, she is going to freak out on me. Here’s my problem. Aside from all the freaking out, she is really good at her job. I don’t want to try and replace her, I don’t want to do what she does, I don’t even want to think about it. So how do I handle this? Do I just put up with the crazy...

I was telling my boyfriend about my first few weeks of college. When I told him this story, he said that it would make a great comic. I did learn two things from this event: 1. Don’t be late to a comedy gig, and 2. I am funnier than...

Love is full of shit. That was the original title of this post. A rough draft sat on my computer while my computer waited at Melrose Mac to be brought up to date. Seems like the whole world got connected via iCloud, twitter, and Mountain Lion while I was still using Leopard, MySpace, and a home phone. The post centered on the potty training of my three year old and the endless diaper changes involved in having a newborn. There were some funny comparisons between the romantic loves that border on lust we are saturated with via advertisers (see the Carl’s Jr. Super Bowl commercial where a bikini clad young woman on a beach makes love to a fish sandwich) and the reality of having two kids shit themselves at the same time and only having one changing table. For those of you who don’t have a changing table, a changing table is a place of calm amongst the storm. It’s where you put a kid that needs a fresh diaper or new undies. It helps contain the mess. There’s lotion, wipes, disposable bags, diapers, underpants, wash cloths, blankets, burpies, binkies, changing pads, anything and everything you need to get the job done cleanly and efficiently. It allows you to operate like a surgeon who graduated from one of those medical schools in Puerto Rico or the Caribbean, you know with the same basic training as everyone else, but an undying need to prove yourself. When both kids poop at the same time it’s def-con five. The end of the world is imminent. At the very least something that’s not supposed to have shit on it is going to get shit on it. The carpet, the stairs (and we don’t even have stairs), other...

Dear Dr. Miro, I really want to do something special for my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day but I don’t have any money. Suggestions? Sincerely, Broke & In Love Dear B&IL, Love does not require money. Hopefully by now, your love has realized you are not rolling in moolah and accepts you for the tax bracket you are nuzzled in together. There are lots of sweet things you can do for a significant other that are not pricey. Men and women are not really all that complicated when it comes down to romance. If you want to do something tender and loving, you can start off with a nice hand made card that has a picture of the two of you in it. How about an old-fashioned coupon jar that has a bunch of deliciously filthy things you would like to do to him and have him do to you? Making a nice dinner or possibly just a dessert can work as well, especially if you are the main course! If you are musically inclined, write a cute little song for him and perform it wearing nothing but his favorite panties and a guitar. There are so many DIY sites now that have lovely little ideas for making bouquets and other fun tokens of your affection. The most important thing is to remember that this is simply one day out of the entire year to remind each other of your feelings towards each other. Try to take some of that pressure off yourselves and remember to simply enjoy one another. Lust & Happiness, Dr. Miro featured image credit:...

Welcome back to the love fest blog about The Making of Harry Potter Tour– Part Two! If you missed Part 1, click here. Last time we met, we were just about to enter the Great Hall through the magnificent Hogwarts main doors. The Great Hall was absolutely majestic and awe inspiring. Additionally, since it was the holiday season, they had the hall decorated much like it was for Christmas in the movies. As you walked through the halls, you could see the carvings kids had made in the benches and tables over the years, costumes from The Philosopher’s Stone, and then the costumes of the Professors and Staff of Hogwarts at the head of the room. I got goose bumps as I stood in front of Dumbledore’s owl carved stand. From the Great Hall you walk into the main exhibit room of the tour. Here you are introduced to the Producers and Directors of the movies, and what inspired them in their work on the movies. From there you move on to see costumes, ice sculptures and food from the Yule Ball. Interestingly enough, they used both real and fake versions of the cakes and treats created from the props department for filming the Yule Ball. This was the start of the “vignettes” for each department from Art, Props, Hair/Makeup, Costumes, etc. The entire tour has a great variety from each of the departments, but the vignettes help you to discover a bit about what each department does. And while there’s a wealth of costumes around the whole exhibit, of course I had wished there had been a bit more to the Costumes vignette. What was really interesting about their vignette is that they had two mannequin’s there; one wearing Fleur Delacour’s Beauxbaton uniform,...

Let’s keep it real- I don’t have any problems. Not really. I’m not a Haitian earthquake survivor still struggling to rebuild or a Somalian child born into a world of famine and strife or the (former) Head Electrician of the New Orleans Superdome who painstakingly rebuilt his life after Hurricane Karina only to lose everything to Hurricane Beyonce- or should I say Hurricane Mrs. Carter (not to be confused with the former First Lady who has her own Mrs. Carter show “Fuck Habitat for Humanity, could you fix the fucking shelf in the kitchen already?”) And don’t tell me that you believe that “electrical relay” Jay-Z cover-up story- it had to be Beyonce who blew the power with her thousands of lights, dozens of video screens and two super-powerful mind control rays aimed at Michelle and Kelly to keep them from pouncing on top of her and stabbing her repeatedly like Ray Lewis in a production of Julius Caesar (“I come to bury Caesar not to praise him. The only person I’m gonna praise is JESUS!”) No- the only conclusion we can draw is that the Superdome was not ready for this jelly. You’re doing a heck of a job, Beyonce. Anyhow, I’ve been thinking a lot about people like Haitian earthquake survivors and all the other millions of poor schmucks around the world who would absolutely LOVE to have problems like mine (Oh. I’m sorry? Did I just manage to work this week’s obligatory Fierce & Nerdy “Love” theme into this post in the second paragraph? BOOM! That’s how it’s done, kid. Ain’t no arbitrary theme that I can’t incorporate in a totally half-assed and gratuitous way. Bring on Book Week, motherfuckas! ) because I’ve been really stressed out about buying a couch....

So you probably didn’t see this ad during the Super Bowl, because it only aired in Oklahoma, Texas, and Montana. But I can almost guarantee that if it had aired nationally, then it would have received a favorable review in Amy Robinson’s SuperBowl commercial round-up — Amy feel free to correct me if that’s not true. [via...

According to this life expectancy calculator, if I get back to the lifestyle I had before I got pregnant with twins, I’m going to live to be 98 years old, barring any accidents or traumas. Wow. I mean… wow. That gets me to thinking about all sorts of things: long-term care insurance, what I’ll do with all those extra years — especially if I become too addled or arthritic to write, and how my relationships with the younger members of my family will go. I will say that one of the weird things about having my mother die on me when I was 19 is that I’m really murky about adult mother-daughter relationships. I have a pretty good idea of how I’d like to raise my daughters until they’re out of our house, but after that … no idea. I’ve observed loving mother-daughter relationships, toxic ones, estranged ones and a lot of in-between. But in the end, these are just observations. I joke about my plan to become the world’s orneriest senior citizen, and sometime late at night, I fret that my children, for whatever reason, won’t call or visit in my old age. But the truth is I have no idea what kind of mother I’ll be if I really do live as long as this calculator says I will. I know that I should strive not to nag my daughters; that I should give them a thorough money education, because I really don’t want them asking me for any kind of loan after the age of 25; that I’d do best to keep my opinions to myself unless they ask for them — and maybe even then; that I’ve got to let them live their lives, but that I probably won’t be able to resist a...

I love to read. Love love love love love it. I find it to be an incredibly intimate way to share someone else’s thought(s). They wrote it down. They signed it. They hit enter, they hit send. There’s no backing off of that. “This is what happened to me,” they are saying; or, “This is what I imagined into being. This is what I think. This is what I feel.” What a brave and abandoned thing for them to do. What a gift for them to offer. To me, it’s a profound, a mystical, an intimate and vulnerable transaction. I could, but I won’t, say sacred. On my end of the transference, as reader, I become custodian of the thought. Behind the screen of the page (or the literal computer screen). There’s a safety, for the writer, and for me, of that page or that screen coming between us. Both writer and reader stand in naked intimacy, revealed in the light of what’s been shared, but wearing the masks that make it safe. We are hidden each from the other, by the mask of the byline; my anonymity to the writer; the face of the writer’s persona turned toward me. “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth,” as Oscar Wilde said, wearing his Oscar Wilde mask. Which can all make it sound deadly serious. But to me, it’s just a shitload of fun. I love to imagine. I love to think. I love to feel. When I read, it’s like I get extra shots at these things, more than I’ve earned through my own life’s experiences. I love to let my mind and spirit loose, wandering someone else’s journeys,...

Dear Dr. Miro, I went on Winter Break to Maui with my cousin and she totally turned on me. We were in a bar and these hot guys invited us to their yachts and she made a big scene about how we couldn’t go because of how dangerous it was and so I tried to bring them to our room and she FREAKED on me. Am I really as stupid and slutty as she proclaimed to the entire floor of our hotel? Sincerely, Frustrated & Hurt Dear F&H, Not knowing all the details I choose not to make a blanket statement of yes or no to your query. It is a pity your cousin needed to be so loud with hurtful words. That must feel really awful! However, what I will say is that there IS something to being cautious even when, or rather, especially when, on vacation. Sure it seems like there are no consequences when you are on a far away tropical island but sometimes, there are. It is hard to predict what will happen when you are partying, but that just means you need to talk with your travel companion about what you both can agree on ahead of time. Sure your cousin may have been out of line to explode publicly, as opposed to taking you aside and calmly relating her fears. If she was in an altered state of consciousness, it may not have been that easy for her. Perhaps she was concerned about both your welfares and was unable to express it in a manner you could hear. Going with unfamiliar men to a yacht has a lot of deliciously fun potential but it could also result in a terrifying disaster. When sharing a room or any kind...

Dear Madame HR, I’ve worked part-time for the past 8 years for a non-profit organization. During that time, Cindy (not her real name), the secretary in the main office, was a great help to me in expediting a number of projects. Six weeks ago, I went into the office and found that Cindy was gone. The desk, shelves, and filing cabinets that Cindy had used were being cleaned out and the office had been re-arranged since my previous visit the week before. I asked about Cindy and was told that she had resigned when asked to adjust her work schedule (possibly in connection with the hiring of a new secretary in another department of the organization.) I wasn’t able to find out any additional information. Last week, I received a brief letter from Cindy, sent to my home address. Cindy wrote that she hadn’t resigned, but had actually been fired after 15 years of working for the organization.  The reason for her firing – “because they needed someone with greater computer skills.” Cindy stated that she’d received no severance pay, because the organization considered her leaving a “resignation.”  She wished me well and said she’d enjoyed working with me. I intend to continue working for the organization. How should I answer Cindy’s letter? I don’t want to insult her by ignoring it as she and I had a cordial working relationship. I’m puzzled by the issue of Cindy’s computer skills. The organization is rather low-tech and Cindy seemed to be able to provide the data and communications which the organization needed. Fired? Resigned? Which is true? Also, the organization never released any type of “official” explanation for Cindy’s sudden absence – rather strange for a long-time employee who played a very visible role in the daily functioning of the organization. Does a business have...

If you follow the history of console video games, it has generally followed this (very) rough progression: Low resolution 2D games of the Atari and Commodore era Rich, colorful 2D experiences with Nintendo, Sega Genesis, etc. Early 3D with the N64 3D for ever and ever from then on, with increasing graphical detail But, we can add to the long list of disruptive changes made by iPhones and similar devices the title of “2D revamped.” We’ve seen iphone hits like Cut the Rope and Angry Birds make more money than some 3D console games that cost many times more to make. Most console shooters, like Call of Duty, cost above the 30 million mark to produce, and that game is the exception; most don’t recoup their budgets. We could go into a whole conversation about the market’s shift from console games to mobile devices, but that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax. Today, let’s talk about some of the great aspects of 2D games, and why they persist and even thrive nowadays. Unmatched for jumping and platforming The best way to approach this is to consider some remakes of 2D games that were made 3D. For example, Bionic Commando. This game came out at about the same time as a visual refresh of the original Ninendo game. When the smoke cleared, people really liked the refresh in 2D, but were disappointed by the new shiny 3D version. Think about it. You have a game that’s based on grappling and swinging, then try to add 3D? By adding that 3rd dimension, there is the added complexity of aiming in the right direction to grapple. The second disadvantage of 3D here is visibility and obstruction. Even in a 3rd person 3D game (where you see the...

If you caught Cheeky Geek Weekly 4, I mentioned briefly that I’d probably be checking out Ni No Kuni, the latest PS3-exclusive JRPG creation from Ghibli Studios and Level-5 games. Well, I went out yesterday and picked it up and was more than happy to pop it in for a few hours to see what I was missing. Ni No Kuni starts with Oliver, a young boy from Motorville, USA. After getting into some typical juvenile delinquency, it takes a turn for the tragic as Oliver loses his mother, Allie. Grieved by her death, he clutches a doll she hand-crafted for him, Drippy. As his tears fall to the doll it springs to life and reveals to him that he’s been alive the whole time, though in another world, parallel to Oliver’s. (In fact, Ni No Kuni literally translates to Second Country and is also called ‘The Another World’). In this world, a dark force has imprisoned what is basically Allie’s doppelganger and Drippy explains that, with the power of a magical tome, Oliver will be able to enter the world of Ni No Kuni and if he can rescue the sage, it might just mean he can bring his mother back to life. What first stands out is the GORGEOUS and I do mean GORGEOUS presentation. Studio Ghibli (Of Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away fame) have done a bang up job with Level-5 creating a world that is nothing shy of dazzling. It’s bright, vivid, and makes any other game feel drab by comparison. While it may appear to be child-like in its presentation, the challenge certainly isn’t and a closer look reveals a deep and rewarding combat system that offers a fresh take on the genre. In addition to the traditional party...

Dear Dr. Miro, I think I’ve met The One. She is the GREATEST girl. My problem is that she is BORING in bed. I feel like we can work on this, but I don’t know, so I’m looking to you for answers. Can you turn a bad lay into amazing sex? I want this to work. She accepts everything about me & everything is perfect about her to the point where we should spend the rest of our lives together. It’s just this sex thing is gnawing at me. Sincerely, Round Peg Square Hole Dear RPSH, For some, sex is not important. Whether bad or good they are not really affected. For most people, there is not enough time on this earth for perpetually boring and bad sex. The “rest of your life” is more than likely too long for a situation such as this. If your love life is a big yawn at the beginning when you have all the love endorphins pulsing through your bodies, how do you intend this to work 10 years down the road? Of course a dissatisfaction with your sex life is gnawing at you. Listen to that! Typically in the budding stages of a romantic relationship, when you are still fascinated by each other, the sex is automatically hot, or there is not much hope for the future. Of course there are exceptions to every rule – arranged marriages come to my head in that regard. I am glad you used the phrasing “my problem” because that is exactly what it is. You say she is perfect but complain about a massive part of a long term sexual relationship! Why not be dear friends with this person as opposed to sexual partners? The best portions of your...

A few weeks ago my husband and I took advantage of his hiatus, and the fact that Hollywood pretty much shuts down during Christmas, and jetted off to Europe for three weeks. I had been blessed with a lot of work during 2012 and racked up quite a bit of Priority Club points from using their Visa Priority Club card for purchases. These hotel points were now burning a hole in our pocket, and we decided to cash some in and skip around Europe for 21 days (we had A LOT of points to burn).  For the next few weeks I’ll be blogging about our experiences from the trip, along with reviews of what is and isn’t worth your time/money, and also, what will make your nerdy heart sing. My nerd heart skipped many of beats during this trip, and one of the most exciting experiences during our stay was The Making of Harry Potter studio tour in Leavesden, England where much of the eight Harry Potter movies were filmed. In 2000 Warner Brothers began to lease the Leavesden Studios (which used to be an aircraft factory) for filming the Harry Potter movies. While parts of the movies were filmed on location, a great deal of the interiors and even Privet Lane were filmed at the studio. After 10 years of filming the HP movies in Leavesden, Warner Brothers purchased the studios, started building new sound stages, and made plans to turn two of the soundstages into an expansive behind-the-scenes tour of the Harry Potter universe. It took two years to complete, and on March 31, 2012 Warner Brothers opened their doors to HP fans from all over the world. When my husband and I started to plan our trip abroad, he asked me...

Baltimore and San Francisco: Two great American cities that ordinarily could give a shit about each other.  Seriously, the only time they ever even get mentioned in the same sentence is when I say “Well, I could go to Baltimore to visit my sister and her family and stay in a house full of rampaging children, but instead I’m going to go to San Francisco cause it’s SO MUCH MORE AWESOME. Does that make me a bad person?” (SPOILER ALERT: uhm, kinda.) The only time San Franciscans ever talk about Baltimore is when they’re waxing nostalgic for The Wire and the only time Baltimorians ever talk about San Francisco is when they’re waxing nostalgic for Rice-a-Roni or making some tasteless gay joke- which is ironic because gay marriage isn’t legal in California but it is legal in Maryland thanks to the efforts of Duff Goldman and John Waters and their SuperPAC “Have Your Cake and Eat Me Too”. Regardless, from now until Sunday, the two cities will joined together in conflict- bound inexorably by the chains of enmity like the Montagues and Capulets, the Hatfields and McCoys, Rocky IV and Ivan Drago, Highlander and That Other Highlander, Me and the Completely Insane Neighbor Lady in my Complex who Can’t Shut the Fuck Up and has Two Little Yappy Dogs Who Also Can’t Shut the Fuck Up and Insists on Having a White Trash Ghetto-Ass Sidewalk Sale Every Saturday Right in Front of My Unit So Everybody Thinks I’m the Freak Selling Used Purple Rayon Blouses with Shoulder Pads from the 90’s and Air Supply Tapes.  I must break her. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.  Wait, that makes no sense. Oh well, that whole movie made no sense. I mean, the French guy is Scottish...

It’s official! I love the Kindle App on my phone. I thought that I was a voracious reader before, but now I have millions of books literally at my fingertips. Also, contributing to my frequent book orgies, is the fact that many of the titles are reasonably priced (I can justify any impulse buy between .99 and 5.99) so I have been reading a lot more lately. I have also discovered a lot of great new authors this way. One of my recent finds has been T.R. Ragan, author of the Lizzy Gardner Series. The first book, Abducted, introduces Private Detective, Lizzy Gardner. Lizzy is the only surviving victim of Spiderman (not the beloved costumed superhero) but a serial killer who abducted and murdered a number of teenage girls in the Sacramento area. Lizzy escaped him but Spiderman was never captured. The murders stopped for over a decade, but now they have started again. Lizzy has never fully recovered from her abduction and neither did her family. Her parents divorced soon after her return and her father no longer speaks to her. Her sister, Cathy, harbors deeply held and barely concealed resentment towards Lizzy, but her teenage daughter, Brittany, is very close to her aunt. I have read a lot of fiction about serial killers such as Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, and Red Dragon. Those books have all scared the living crap out of me and probably left me with some deep psychological scars. Abduction was definitely suspenseful and it had some frightening moments, but it wasn’t overly graphic or cringe inducing. I really connected to the character of Lizzy. She has emotional damage from the abduction, but she is not a victim. She works hard to not let Spiderman and his actions define her. It’s a great read and fortunately it has a sequel, Dead...

Dear Dr. Miro, I have the flu. I’m still very horny and want to have sex with my girlfriend. In fact, laying around in bed all day just makes me want more sex and there’s only so much jerking off I can do before I’m going crazy for my girl. Here’s my question: Can I give the flu to my special lady friend through sex? Also, a BIG thank you for your past column! It helped me & my girlfriend realize I’m not a complete sex maniac freak. Sincerely, Sir Flu Man Chu of the Horny Knights Dear Sir FMCotHK, Influenza cannot be caught through vaginal secretions or semen. The Virus may be spread, but it will be too unhappy to flourish. Flu Virus really likes the bronchial system! So technically, you will not transmit Flu through intra-vaginal penile containment or sticking your penis into any orifice, really. This Virus spreads via airborne droplets and particles when an infected person sneezes, coughs or speaks. Sometimes it can be passed on through things someone with the virus touched, sneezed or coughed on like a doorknob or penis. When a healthy person touches these polluted items and then touches his/her mouth or nose, the Virus may enter their system. If you were to wash every part of your body AND not breathe any where near your partner, it would be feasible to have sex and not give her the flu. But really, how realistic is that? You see, although the actual “sex” part is not going to make your Lady sick, every other part of the act will. Helpful hint: If you are going to have juicy sexual activity while sick with flu, make sure there is a lot of air circulation in your room. In...

Dear Madame HR, I am friends on Facebook with a bunch of my co-workers. Lately, after the Newtown tragedy and the subsequent discussions regarding gun control, one of my co-workers has been posting a lot of pro-gun statements, photos of himself with his guns, and other pro-gun things that make me a little nervous. I talked to my other co-workers and we kind of made some jokes about it, but the more I think about it, the more freaked out I am. Should I be concerned? Should I tell HR? Rather Not Get Shot Dear Rather Not, Should you be concerned? OK, so looking in my crystal ball: I’m going to say “Maybe.” Yes, Maybe! My favorite answer to every question—it’s the only way in which I ever resemble a lawyer. Let’s get real for a minute. I mean, really, if I had a dollar for every time I went “Huh?” at something someone posted on Facebook then I wouldn’t be working in HR right now. I’d probably be at Sizzler getting a $6 steak because I don’t have many Facebook friends, but that’s not the point. The point is I’m not sure you should go over the deep end here. Sure, you could report the guy, start tracking his Amazon.com orders, x-raying the mysterious packages arriving for him. Or, you could confront him; tell him to stop posting those things (which would probably go over really well). You could block his posts so you don’t have to see them anymore. But then that only really solves the problem of your ignorance being compromised, it’s not going to make the dude stop loving guns so much. And I hate to break it to you, but I heard a statistic that before the Newtown tragedy...

I love to watch tv while I draw, sew, knit, or do any sort of crafty project. I always have something going on in front of the tv for background noise. Often, I would put on the Travel Channel and see Adam Richman on his show, Man VS Food. I am not sure, but I think I have seen all of the episodes. When we found out he was at the gift show we were attending for work, we had to go! Adam is super sweet in person and after a cooking demo, he took questions, did a meet and greet and met my Tofu Baby...

Dear Dr. Miro, My girlfriend and I have been like rabbits the past month: sometimes 10 times a day! Is that normal? How much is too much sex? Sincerely, Lucy Bowlegs Dear LB, Normal is different for everyone. Here is the simple answer: too much is anything after YOU decide YOU have had enough. As long as your adult activities are not interfering with your health, livelihood or any other commitments you need to keep, there is no problem. Be safe, sexy and enjoy! Lust & Happiness, Dr. Miro featured image credit: captainsubtle If you liked this post, please do us the further boon of Liking the Fierce and Nerdy page on FaceBook. Also, we’re giving great stream on Twitter, so do give us...

The 25th anniversary of Prozac, the 10th anniversary of the Paris Hilton sex tape, the 20th anniversary of Doggystyle– these are just some of the utterly meaningless milestones that we’ll be forced to commemorate in 2013 by media outlets dedicated to churning out as much content as possible and cramming it down the content-holes of an overstuffed nation while always coming up with new and innovative to make me feel like a useless old fart. I mean, hell, 2013 also marks the 20th anniversary of the last time I actually recognized the musical guest on Saturday Night Live (Blind Melon) and the 15th anniversary of the last time I was part of a highly desirable marketing demographic (it’s all for the best. Bastards kept trying to sell me Zima. Seriously, guys, wtf? Was Generation X really so complicated and hard to reach that you thought clear beverages were the answer? No wonder we were so alienated and disaffected – you tried to sell us Crystal Pepsi – how were we supposed to trust anything you said after that? I’m not even going to get in to the Bartles & Jaymes betrayal. When I found out they were actors, why, it broke my little flannel clad heart.) There is one anniversary this year that even the most craven content crammers will probably overlook and it’s a shame, cause it’s an important one. 2013 would be the 20th reunion for the 1993 senior class of West Beverly High School. A class which included Donna Martin, Kelly Taylor, Steve Sanders, David Silver, the Walsh twins, Dylan McKay and some black kid who used to walk back and forth in the background carrying a bookbag – all the young people whose exploits were chronicled in Beverly Hills, 90210....

Dear Dr. Miro, I met this guy and five years later and we are going strong. I love him. He loves me. We want to be together always. That means live together. Because we are the same age, he can’t really support us because we are both in school. My family, on the other hand, wants to get rid of me as fast as they can, but not to him. They are waiting for someone to come along who they approve of, but I told them I don’t want to be with anyone else. How am I suppose to live my own life the way I want to if they don’t let me? I don’t know what to say, or do, so my family will back off and let me live my life. Sincerely, In Love & Confused Dear IL&C, This is a problem of youth as well as seemingly cultural differences. You are attempting to differentiate from your parents while at the same time being dependent upon them for economic support. It is unfortunate, but while you are under their roof, it is their rules. Like it or not you have to obey to a certain extent. This does NOT mean you need to accept being pawned off to the first or last gentleman whom your family approves. In this day and age, the burden of financial support no longer falls on just one person. Everyone has to pull his or her own weight. I am proud of you for getting an education! However, while you are being taken care of by your family, you may need to set aside your desires to live with this object of your affection until you both can take care of your selves. Right now is an...

In this, my second post on how HR has warped my thinking and made me a nerd, I talk about cable television shows. For my first installment, how HR affects how I watch football, click here. I’m going to start this post with the following statement: You can judge me if you want. I mean, I know I’m about to admit to what some would think are embarrassing television watching habits. But considering the detritus that is on prime time network television these days, I’m pretty sure I can point that condemning finger right back at ‘cha. So there. Anyway, so Madame HR spent a couple of weeks this winter intermittently ailing on the couch. I’m feeling much better now, thank you for asking. But you really shouldn’t ask, cause you know, HIPPA and all that. I mean, I could volunteer the information, and that would be ok, but it would also be TMI. And during this time I watched a lot of cable TV at various hours of the day and night and I had the opportunity to get hooked on shows that I cannot really justify being hooked on, but the hook is there, so I’m living with it. To help, I’m going to filter these shows through my HR colored glasses and see what happens. CSI Miami Reruns=Lessons on how to Build an Effective Team Horatio Caine may very well be the best manager who has ever lived. His voluntary turnover rate is 0%. People in his department don’t quit—they only leave in body bags or handcuffs. I’d kill for turnover like that (literally, death looks better on my turnover report than “hated my manager”). I’m not counting Eric Delco who left to go to Puerto Rico or Tampa Bay or...

We’ve all heard about how video games are infiltrating everyday life. Infiltrating it to an almost annoyingly offensive level. After reading a few trade magazines with such articles, I started thinking about parts of life that already have video game style rules. Consider the deep, intricate rules that you don’t even notice anymore..for example, how to decide which way to go when you’re walking straight at someone on the sidewalk. You kind of make eye contact, you tend to indicate slightly which way you’re going, etc. The same set of inherent rules are common in most of the things we do in everyday life; who goes first at an intersection, whether you should fold clothes one by one, or sort first then fold, etc. That is what makes video game design a pretty natural thing to understand. The best designs are made of sets of rules. So after years of thinking that way, I came up with a set of rules to one thing that we all encounter, at least those of us who drive to get groceries: Where to park in a grocery store parking lot to avoid door dents. But mostly, I’m writing this to show how something that seems like common sense actually has some pretty specific rules. As video game designers, this is how we approach things like character AI behavior. We make rules out of systems that seem totally organic. And I guess, as you can see below, we tend to do this all the time, even with the most mundane things. So here we go, the rules to parking at the grocery store, in order to avoid dents! I’m a VIP Rule If you have a nice car, never ever park across two spots. This one sounds like...

I can’t decide if these jean sandal boots are a revelation or an abomination. On one hand, “Wha???” On the other, I’m intrigued and thinking they might actually look good with a pair of leggings. Can’t decide, so please weigh in below. [via...

Wha??? How is it almost 2013 already? It’s been another crazy year here at Fierce and Nerdy and guess how we’re going to spend our holidays? That’s right, reflecting on it. Starting with my favorite category, BOOKS! Ernessa Says: I adored many books this year, including CUTTING SEASON by Attica Locke, and GONE GIRL by Gillian Flynn, both of  which had me frantically flipping pages I was so eager to find out what would happen next. But this year, my nerdy heart has to go with REDSHIRTS by John Scalzi as my favorite book of year. This novel starts off as an immediately engrossing send-up of STAR TREK from the ill-fated “redshirts” point of view, but eventually turns out to be a bigger, deeper story than originally presented. If you love any version of the Star Trek series, then you need to read this terrific standalone yesterday.   OUR FICTION PICKS   THIS BOOK IS FULL OF SPIDERS: Seriously Dude, Don’t Touch It by  David Wong. It’s the spectacular sequel to the hilarious JOHN DIES AT THE END. Wong (who is actually cracked.com writer Jason Pargin) is an amazing writer. He manages to do comedy and horror and weird blended together insanely well. It’s like if Naked Lunch met Army of Darkness and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Seriously entertaining. Amy Robinson, Blogumnist Editor and writer of Tall Drink of Nerd   SKIPPY DIES by Paul Murray. I had a real teen romance with this book. At first I was all like, “Ew. Another coming of age story about misunderstood rich kids? That’s so totally gross. It’s all like ‘ohhhh, nobody loves me, I’m anorexic, who molested the dead kid?’ sooo over it.” But then, Paul Murray stood outside my window with a boom box and soulfully...

INTRODUCTION TO THE 2012 EDITION “May I try a free sample?” After speaking those six simple words, the ritual would always be the same: A smiling gray-haired clerk at a Hickory Farms Christmas stand in one of the many Western Pennsylvania malls I visited during my childhood would poke a toothpick into a delicately cut square of meat, hand it to me and the door to paradise would open… I love Hickory Farms Beef Stick. Like that Christmas Eve story Grandpa always told that became longer and more convoluted as the years went on, the time has once again arrived for my ever-growing annual holiday column on Hickory Farms Beef Stick (or, as it’s unfortunately known now, “Summer Sausage”). If George Lucas can give us approximately 18,281 Special Editions of Star Wars, there’s no reason why I can’t write an additional hundred words or so each year, expanding on the joys and sorrows experienced while eating the greatest of the great American foods. (Attention conspiracy theorists: Just because I’ve written and spoken at length about my McRib addiction and am now once more delving into a hagiography of Hickory Farms Beef Stick does not mean that I’m on the American Meat Institute’s payroll. Of course, if anyone from the American Meat Institute is reading this post, I would actually very much like to be on the payroll. Feel free to tweet me up at @ryanbdixon.) And so, dear readers, Fierce and Nerdy is proud to present: ON THE EXEGESIS OF THE SOUL OR: WHY I LOVE BEEF STICK: REVISED and EXPANDED EDITION with a SLIGHTLY NEW, or more accurately, NEWLY REVISED INTRODUCTION (Which You Just Read) and a BRAND NEW (And Very Tragic) EPILOGUE 1: BEEF STICK, LORD OF THE MEMORY PALACE There is...

So here’s something I haven’t done since the last time I was pregnant: typed out a blog entry on my phone. After two hospital visits with contractions and two ultrasounds confirming that my cervix shortens terribly whenever any pressure is applied, I was put on strict bed rest, which means I’m only able to lay down unless I have to use the bathroom or take my allotted daily 5-minute shower. I was not happy about this news on Monday. By Tuesday I was despondent. Not being able to write, take care of my daughter, or get out of bed when my bladder isn’t full makes me feel useless and beyond pathetic. Also, it’s boring as all get out. As much as I used to love marathoning TV programs and reading, now it makes me feel like a sad shut in. But last night I was hit with an epiphany: maybe this was my 2013 Theme presentation. What’s a theme presentation? Well, I always try to abide by a certain theme every year whether it be “If You’re Scared, Do It Anyway” (2010) or “Sowing the Seeds” (2012). I had been looking forward to 2013 as a harvest year — two babies and two books, but last night it occurred to me that with so many changes afoot maybe I should adopt a new theme, namely “Get it Done!” Seed years are great, because you put a lot of stuff into the universe and you get a lot of stuff back. Also, you get in the habit of sowing, you figure ish out like your writing schedule and your mommy schedule, and maybe even a social schedule if you’re lucky. However, the universe doesn’t mistake finally getting comfortable for growth and at least 99.9% of...

Dear Dr. Miro, I fell completely in love with this guy in my class and thought he was feeling the same way, too. We had a bunch of intense make out sessions and I just always want to be with him. The thing is, I’m a virgin and I always thought I should save myself for my future husband (even though I’ve done everything else). This boy is leaving town in a month and I will probably never see him again. When I told him my beliefs he laughed at me and still tried to get me to have sex with him. I’ve been trying to ignore him but feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’ve even heard him talking to other girls on the phone the same way he talked to me. Did I really mess up? No one else has ever made me feel the way I feel with him. Sincerely, I’m a Virgin Not a Saint Dear IaVNaS, You did not “mess up”. If you want to experience your First Time with someone who thinks you are special and respects your morals, this is not your guy. Maybe you will be a virgin on your wedding night. Perhaps you will make an intense hot yearning connection with someone, who cares about what you believe and decide to have sex – even though you are not planning on marrying him. Regardless, you get to decide when the right moment is, for YOU. I know it must really hurt right now but you will find someone, someday, with whom to experience those irresistible burning feelings you had with this fellow from your class. It certainly does not feel that way at this moment, but you are going to have to trust me when...

You probably think I hate the holidays. That I hide myself in my room like Scrooge with a cold bowl of gruel emerging only to scoff at the goodly hearted, sneer at the holly-jolly and pee out the window on orphans. You know, like Scrooge did. Or maybe you’re not familiar with the German version of the story- Das Scrooge Ist Ein Orphanpisher! which also explains why Tiny Tim walks funny “Stop it Mr Scrooge! You’re hurting me! Only Jesus can touch me there.” (Jesus was their gardener). So, sure I know you all think I’m some kind of Christmas hating “Scrooge” or “Grinch” or “Jew” but the fact is I love Christmas! I plan my company’s Christmas party, organize the local Christmas tree lighting, work on a production of A Christmas Carol, buy a Christmas tree, hang Christmas lights, listen to Christmas music, watch Christmas shows and buy Christmas gifts- I’m Rudolph the Hook Nosed Reindeer, I’m Santa Kike, I’m Captain Motherfucking Christmas and I defy you to say otherwise! BTW- on behalf of the Jews of the world, as discussed at last night’s meeting of the International Zionist Banking Conspiracy (I brought cookies! Candy Cane Jo-Jo’s- always a hit) I’d just like to let all the Goyim (Yiddish word meaning “Walmart shoppers”) officially off the hook – you don’t have to say “Holidays” when you mean “Christmas” any more. Seriously, the 90’s are over, Political Correctness is dead (only Bill O’Reilly still thinks that’s a thing) and most of us just don’t care any more. Look, you want to put up a big old decorated tree in the middle of town, that’s fine, just have the balls to call it what it is- a Christmas Tree, not a “Holiday Tree”. Cause Jews...

Dear Dr. Miro, I’m falling really deep for my boss. This is ridiculous. I’m in a great marriage with a hubby who loves me & I love him but I’m feeling like we don’t have anything in common anymore. Maybe all these long hours are beginning to take their toll? He (my boss) just seems so smart and everything that I want to be around him all the time where as my husband has become really Meh. Nothing’s happened with my boss, physically, but it seems like it may be going that way. What do I do? I don’t want to ruin my marriage. Sincerely, Lost My Shiny & Love The Man Dear LMS&LTM, It is understandable that you are developing feelings for a man who is both NOT your husband AND has a position of authority. His special attention to you makes you feel unique which is more than likely missing from your marriage. That, actually, is something to keep in mind: perhaps your hubby is not feeling any special attention from you, either. Why not try to create something “shiny” between you and your betrothed? Bring this up to him. Tell him you are starting to feel as if the sparkle has faded and you want to do something about it. Be pro-active! That is, if you actually do want to change the situation. What was is it that made you fall in love with your husband? Try remembering these things and salvage what you can. Take a break from the day-to-day and go on a romantic vacation. Sometimes just getting out of your house for a long weekend together is enough to help re-kindle that dwindling fire. If you are interested in saving your marriage, first examine what it is you...

Ho! Ho! Ho my friends! Merry/Happy whatever-the-heck you like to celebrate this time of year. I’m in HR so I don’t care what you celebrate, I just have to accommodate it. Personally, in December I like to celebrate the joy I feel at how freaking cold the rest of the country is and how I can sit on my veranda (yes, veranda) and sip some sort of jovial celebratory beverage and laugh and laugh and laugh. Karmically I realize I’m probably setting myself up for some sort of epic natural disaster and yes, I realize that Super Storm Sandy has made weather no longer funny, but give me something. I’m in HR and year end sucks for us. We have Open Enrollment for the ingrates (or as some call them “employees”), payroll year end, holiday parties, holiday staffing issues. The fuzzy-holiday sweater/sock/earring expectations are staggering, just staggering, I tell you. My gift to you, my favorite readers—you guys are the best!—is twofold: A short(ish) post! Yay! <Sound of champagne corks popping> An HR holiday survival guide! Yay! <No champagne corks popping> So a quick Q&A: Everyone that I’ve ever met or been related to that knows I’m in HR (We’ll call them ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR for short): Does my company have to give me paid holidays off? Me: No. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Really? Me: Yes. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Not even federal holidays? Me: No. ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: What if my company is closed for a holiday, do they have to pay me? Me: No. (Unless you are exempt, then it might). ETIEMOBRTTKIIHR: Is that legal? Is that legal? Ah, my favorite question. I’m going to get it tattooed on my ass. On the right cheek. On the left, I’m going to tattoo “So?” I was going to tattoo “It Depends,” but thank...

I realize that title’s begging to get torn apart but bear with me. Halo as a franchise has long been synonymous with outstanding multiplayer and a solid (if sometimes contrived) sci-fi story that garnered consistent praise from reviewers. First, Some History However, later entries in the series were beginning to teeter on the edge of shark-jumping territory with the critically ‘meh’ Halo Wars and the appreciated though in ways underwhelming Halo 3: ODST. Halo Reach was a welcome course correction with stellar Live play that satisfied, but the absence of Master Chief and graphics that were tolerable only in the silent light of a stable frame rate were like blood in the water for harsher critics. Then the bomb dropped- longtime developer and fan favorite developer, Bungie, would no longer be attached to the Halo franchise and the latest entry, nay trilogy would be helmed by Microsoft newcomer, 343 Industries. So were they able to fill the very large shoes of Bungie? Yes, and not only did they do the Halo series justice, but they managed to take an established, nigh-religiously revered, franchise and made it their own. Let’s start with graphics. There’s an old adage in video that says to make sure you’ve got the best possible audio recorded because audio is 50% of your video. Similarly, while almost every critic in the world has snobbishly sworn that ‘gameplay’ is the most important element of a game (the word’s right there at the beginning, you see), graphics and presentation are leaps and bounds more important than they’re often given credit for. Saying a game’s ‘feel’, for example is really a description of how well your actions on the controller translate visually on the screen. Technically speaking every game from Mario Kart to Doom...

Dear Dr. Miro, My husband and I are in Couples Therapy, which is a good thing. We have a lot of things to work through that I feel are totally attainable. The problem is when our 5 & 8-year-old kids ask, “Mommy where are you & Daddy going?” and I say an appointment. And they ask what kind. And I say a doctors. Then they get worried that we are sick and I don’t really know what to say. I know they have had the terrible misfortune of hearing some of our arguments and must have picked up the tension in the house but what should I tell them? Also, I may need to go to rehab for 21 days and I REALLY don’t know what to tell them about that. Sincerely, Finally Trying to Do Right Dear FTtDR, Wow. I suppose I should congratulate you on taking care of your personal relationship in an adult fashion. But, to throw in that piece about needing to go to Rehab as an aside, needs addressing in, and of it’s self. The fact that you “may need to go” is a telling part of the stress, tension and erratic behavior your children and husband have no doubt experienced. The thing about kids is that they absorb EVERYTHING going on around them. This includes your behavior, emotions and, to get a bit hippy-dippy, your psychic energy. Your lovely children are more than likely aware that something is wrong with you. And, if they are not, they are at least on to the fact that you are not happy. Whether or not they internalize this notion and feel it is their fault is another thing. Everyone wants the best possible version of yourself that you may attain. Bring...

The Holiday season is upon us once again. Millions will be taking to the skies to visit loved ones. Yet with rising fuel costs, dozens of surcharges, and perks at a bare minimum, the skies aren’t as friendly as they once were. Flying used to be a treat, something that people dressed up for and made an occasion out of. Flight attendants weren’t just there for your safety, but to also ensure your comfort and care. It often seems like flight attendants can’t be bothered to bring that extra glass of water for your five-hour flight. And why should they? They are often over worked as it is. And to get that extra level of care that used to be the norm, you have to fly first or business class. But in this economy, it’s just not the reality for 99% of us. With people being packed into flying Greyhound buses like cattle, flying has become rather stressful as opposed to a treat. So lately, I’ve relied on myself to add my own touch of class to air travel. Instead of relying on the airline to treat me well, I take a little extra time before departure to ensure I will have my own little treat in the sky. And on every flight I’ve done this, I’ve received envious compliments from passengers wishing they had done the same. The most common remark, “Oh wow, you’ve made your own First Class!” First: Receiving a newspaper or magazine was rather common on airlines before. And while some airlines still have a great magazine of their own to peruse, it will not hold you over for the long flights. The night before a flight, I take a minute to download a magazine or book that I’ve been...

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a month since Obama’s re-election. With the bitterness and divisiveness of the election, the past month was a time for coming together in America. After all, Obama is happily ensconced in the White House for four more years and America’s glorious future as a gay, Muslim, socialist welfare state is at long last safe and secure. Phew! That’s right, Fox & Fuckers- all of your batshit, paranoid, Karl Rove, Donald Trump, 2016: Obama’s America, Birth of a Nation fantasies are comin’ true! Can he forcibly convert all the Mega-Churches to Mega-Mosques? YES HE CAN! Can he nationalize all the NASCAR tracks to use for Moonie style mass gay weddings? YES HE CAN! Can he change his name to Oba-MAO Bin Ladin? YES HE CAN! Can he nationalize Wal-Mart so he can use all the stores for his new line of low cost women’s health clinics- Bargain Barry’s ‘Bortions n’ Birth Control? YES HE CAN! Bring in your Kenyan birth certificate and your first service is free- who cares how expensive it is? Big government’s buying! Muahahahahahahahaha!!!! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Wait, what was I talking about again. Oh right, coming together. Uhm, yeah. Nice effort, guys. Good game. Way to almost steal the country using voter suppression and fraud. I’m sooooo sorry that your evil misbegotten homophobic, misogynistic, elitist, ignorant, fanatical racist effort to put the White back in the White House fell apart horribly when you found out that contrary to popular belief and 236 years of empirical evidence, you can go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people- or at least lose an election. Who knew? (Nate Silver, bitchez! Nate Silver- statistical love machine. Nate Silver- recently voted America’s Sexiest Math Nerd by Seriously, that’s a...

The holiday shopping season is in full swing and loads of shoppers are hitting malls. Most major shopping centers are spread out over several levels, requiring a brief ride on an escalator to get from floor to floor. These inventions have saved us all from climbing flight after flight of stairs. While escalators are generally safe, sometimes things go wrong. Check out this video collection of escalator accidents and dumb mistakes.  Quite a few of these people didn’t quite make it to the top! The escalator, or moving staircase, was first patented by inventor Nathan Ames from Saugus, Massachusetts in 1859. His patent even mentions that the stairs could be carpeted or made of wood.  Another inventor, Leamon Souder, issued four patents for designs of his own, but none of their designs were built. Another inventor, Jesse W. Reno, patented his design for an “endless conveyor or elevator” in 1892. Reno, who graduated from Lehigh University in Pennsylvania, installed this first ever escalator type unit next to the Old Iron Pier at New York City’s Coney Island, just four years later. At that time, Coney Island was a big booming summer destination for the crowds of New Yorkers who flocked to the beaches, rides and wacky attractions. This first escalator design was basically a giant belt. A few months later, his prototype would be briefly tested at the end of the Brooklyn Bridge. Parts of his design were purchased by the now famous Otis Elevator Company, who worked patents from several other inventors into the basic moving stair design we all know today. I’ve personally ridden two of the three oldest escalator banks in the United States: • Macy’s, Herald Square – New York City • Macy’s (formerly Kaufman’s flagship store) – downtown Pittsburgh, PA The Westfield San Francisco Center in California...

Dear Dr. Miro, Is it possible for a girl to get pregnant if she hasn’t had her first period? I thought no, but then some people told me that it was? Admittedly, my sex education wasn’t the best. Now my daughter’s 11 and I’m getting nervous about what to tell her on specifics. We’ve been having good conversations for years (just like you’ve recommended). I’m trying to be realistic because, I didn’t get my period until I was 15 so I want to clear up anything before it gets too late. Sincerely, Not Ready To Be Grandma Dear NRTBG, First, let me applaud you on your desire to inform your child! It is so great to hear from parents about their willingness to communicate with their children on all levels. The quick answer may surprise many. Yes, it is possible for a gal to get pregnant if she has not had her first menses. Now for the long answer… Just because there has been no visual menstrual blood does not mean your daughter has not started to ovulate. This happens 14 days before actual discharge, as in, her period. For a bit of a brush up on female reproductive cycles, remember Ovulation is when a mature egg has been released from the ovary through an oviduct and is ready to be fertilized. Meanwhile the uterine lining is thickening for optimum fertilized egg implantation. This is the most fertile time of month for a woman. There is a massive increase in sexual desire and lubrication, or to put it blatantly: Ovulation is when Ladies get the horniest and most likely to conceive. It is your bodies’ ways of getting on that reproduction train. If no conception happens, the egg and uterine lining get sloughed off...

Dear Madame HR, I’m a 7th grade teacher in a faith-based school. Last June, our respected long-time principal retired. The Board of Trustees of the school hired a man I’ll call Dr. P as the new principal. So far, Dr. P has called the 5th grade teacher a “booby” because she jammed the office copier; contemptuously discouraged the veteran kindergarten teacher from organizing her signature student projects; refused to allow the school to be the site of an annual community teachers’ gathering, because he doesn’t want “outsiders” in the school; used disparaging language at a faculty meeting to refer to teachers of other faiths – and it’s only October! He appears to have no knowledge whatsoever of pedagogy or curriculum development.  We don’t have a real teachers’ union, only a weak faculty association. The few mild comments we’ve made to the Board of Trustees, have been met with derisive response that “The teachers are whining because Dr. P is making them ‘toe the line.'” Also the Board is made up of wealthy male doctors, lawyers, business leaders, while the faculty is mostly female.  This used to be a great place to work. Now it’s a nightmare. Help! What recourse do we have? Oh, there is no HR department in the school. What can we do? Thanks for listening, Hoping for Help Dear Hoping, I was thinking about your question while I was driving home from work one day when a story came on NPR (as part of their election coverage) about how animals make decisions in groups and more importantly how they choose leaders and how those leaders behave. Like, for example, honey bees don’t lie, but chimps do! Who knew? It’s a fascinating story, here is the text of it. Anyway, the line that I thought was particularly relevant in your case was this: “It’s...

Conventional wisdom has it that Thanksgiving is the one day where family and friends reunite, reconnect, and relapse over a grocery-store-bought feast of turkey, stuffing and wine. Football is watched. Happy tears are shed. Everlasting memories are made. Balderdash. Come on, admit it, if I put a gun to your head, would you be able to give me ten specific (not to even mention, beloved) Thanksgiving Day memories? What’s that, you say? The many years of chewing on dried turkey, hearing the same dull stories and watching the interminable parades and bad football games have melded together in the same way Aunt Jane’s viscid, feldgrau-colored gravy slithered into the cranberry sauce on your plate last Thanksgiving to create a ichorous blob of food that looked like the bloody brown mucus goo that was leaking out of your nephew Timmy’s nose at the kids table? Well, then, in that case, how about ten Black Friday memories? Ahhh. Now that’s easy. Without any prompting you rattle off a host of fond recollections… … Delicious cold turkey sandwiches (so much better than the dry, hot turkey slices of the previous night)…The entire family going to see the latest Disney, James Bond, Harry Potter or Twilight movie…Dad somehow getting that perfect parking space right in front of the mall’s entrance….Mom buying the very last Cabbage Patch doll…and the sales…oh, the sales… Now those are the memories for which ink is laid upon the Hallmark Card. According to Wikipedia, the term “Black Friday” was originally coined to describe the great stock market crash of 1869. “Black Friday” gained traction as the nom de plume for the day after Thanksgiving (and unofficial start of the Christmas shopping season) in 1969 when the Philadelphia police used the term to describe the...

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Just in case you think your Thanksgiving is going poorly, here’s a re-run of Eric Sim’s Thanksgiving 2011. Our Thanksgiving dinner this year was supposed to be low maintenance and effortless which, as a card-carrying member of the flannel and apathy generation, I seriously appreciated, man. We decided not to cook anything from scratch but to buy and reheat prepared foods from Whole Foods instead. Mind you, we didn’t do this because I’m too lazy and incompetent to cook Thanksgiving dinner, no sir! We did it because I’m too lazy and incompetent to renovate our kitchen (which is much, much worse) and cooking Thanksgiving dinner in that tiny, dysfunctional kitchen would be like trying to have sex with a horse in an airplane bathroom – or, more to the point, it would be like cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings in an absurdly small kitchen with an undersized oven and no counter space– which is the hardest fucking thing you could do so it doesn’t need any clever little metaphors to make it seem harder than it is. It’s so hard that, in fact, it makes a really good metaphor for other things that are really hard like- “Damn! Passing that softball sized kidney stone was like cooking Thanksgiving dinner in Eric’s absurdly small kitchen with its undersized oven and no counter space” or “Whew! Fucking that horse in that airplane bathroom sure was tough! As tough as cooking Thanksgiving dinner in Eric’s absurdly small kitchen with its undersized oven and no counter space. Isn’t that right Seabiscuit? Yeah, you like that, boy? That wasn’t no carrot I was feeding you in there, but you sure went to town on it when I dug the spurs in Yee-Haw!” Right,...