At first it totally blew my mind that you could do an eight hour drive in four on the TGV (Train à Grande Vitesse). And even though the TGV, as of mid-2011, was the fastest conventional train operating in the world, I’ve become almost as jaded as the French people around me while riding. Though I admit that I am still impressed by the sucking whoomp sound that occurs when another high-speed train whizzes by in the opposite direction.

When I lived in New York, I took the Amtrak to Boston from time to time, but before South Station was rebuilt, it was a lot easier to take the bus all the way to Maine. First you took the Peter Pan Boston Express, where they’d sometimes play a Kung Fu movie with the sound piped over the PA system, and then onto Concord Trailways, a small bus line with service in northern New England, where the bus drivers have magnificent accents that make you feel like you’re home, even if nobody in your family actually speaks that way.

The only time I tried the Acela, a supposedly high speed train run by Amtrak, through the north east corridor, it was a total disaster. We were delayed six hours on the tracks, tracks that were shared by the low-speed trains. By the time we got to South Station, it was 1:00 am, and closed, and my parents had to drive 2 hours to come pick me up. In my opinion, that would never happen in Europe. But that was nearly 10 years ago, so maybe things have changed.

Anyway, on our Easter vacation visit to a windy Mediterranean coast, M and I set up the camera to take 1 shot every 30 seconds. This video is the result, a high speed somewhat random photo essay of the French landscape between Paris and Saint Tropez. Enjoy.

Saint Tropez from Gudrun Cram-Drach on Vimeo.

Don’t get me wrong; the kids aren’t the problem. Once you get over the initial horror of taking a rectal temperature or helping a little boy wipe himself, the trials of co-parenting become manageable, and after time the benefits outweigh the work.

But if you’re going to wait until your mid-thirties to tie the knot, and you end up with a divorcé, I do suggest that you try to pre-screen the ex-wife. Ha! Like that’s even possible.

It’s frustrating. I’ve been a part of this family for almost three years and I’ve hardly ever spoken to the ex directly. We exchange information through the kids. On the speakerphone, she asks them something, they ask me, I respond and they tell their mom. She never acknowledges I’m there. I think she tries to pretend I don’t play a role in their lives, that I’m no more than one of their forgettable afternoon babysitters, but I’d like to think I play a bigger role and I wish there could be more cooperation between us. Why are we buying two sets of sneakers for kids who are going to outgrow them in four months? When we signed them up for activities last fall, we had to go in on the assumption that they’d only be able to go every other week, and even now I’m the one who brings my step-daughter to her dance class every Friday, even when she’s sleeping at her Mom’s house. I’ve never asked the ex to communicate with me, I’ve given the woman space, hoping that through a kind tone and cooperative attitude, she would warm up to me. It’s not that I need her to like me, I just want her to stop not liking me, because really I’ve done nothing wrong except come into her world unannounced and helped raise her kids. But the real tension is between her and my husband, and I bet she’d say I have nothing to do with it, and she never even gives me a thought.

It’s an unfortunate situation, and as the new wife, I can’t logically argue against the divorce, or where would I be?  But everyone should remember that when the kids look back on their childhoods, they are going to recall having at least 3 parental figures, myself included, so maybe I’m worth thinking about.

What I’m trying to say is, if you happen to be the ex-wife, or find yourself playing any role in a shared custody situation, try to seek common ground. It’s no fun feeling like there’s always someone against you, and whether she thinks about me or not, that’s how it comes out. I don’t know if it’s a French thing (I’ve heard more than one terrible story of family members not speaking for five, ten, or twenty years here), but it seems utterly ridiculous to not communicate with a family member. And in the eyes of the ex-wife’s kids, we are family. If you’re going to force your kids to live in shared custody, the least you can do is try to make their management and upbringing as supportive and worry-free as possible.

But maybe I’m not getting it, so I ask you – is it reasonable to expect the ex-wife to cooperate with the new wife in terms of her children’s upbringing, or is it only the incredibly enlightened ones who can manage such a thing? Is there anyone out there who shares my situation?

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featured image credit: lord marmalade

It’s not just writer’s block, it’s wallowing in non-productiveness just for the sake of wallowing. It’s so comfortable in my state of unease that I actually prefer to be miserable rather than to put in the effort to improve things. It’s certainly easier than trying.

So it’s been a week of television and movie watching, fluff reading, nap taking… and it’s starting to eat at my soul. I’m grumpy. I’m not sleeping well. I doubt myself, my talent, my entire existence on this planet. I haven’t been able to bear sitting at my computer for more than a few minutes a day. But knowing I had to write this column, a war started to rage in my head. The fight between wanting to blow off my Sunday night deadline (that way I could feel even worse about myself, giving me even more reason to wallow for a few more days), and knowing that if I just forced myself to type for 10 minutes, my brain might start to wake up. Now that I’m in the third paragraph, the resistance is breaking down.

Still, the thought of returning to my current writing project fills me with helpless dread. Isn’t there something I could watch on TV instead? No, no more. A week is long enough. Tomorrow, I will throw myself at the project. I will take little steps. I will open my folder of notes and reread them. I will read “The War of Art“, again. When my brain resists, I will use writing prompts from old Writing Pad notebooks, and write as my character. I will write letters to and from my characters. I will do whatever it takes to get this fuzz from my head. And I won’t worry that it’s all for naught because any schedule I set in place will be undone by my parents’ visit, but I will work as hard as I can to make tomorrow work, and then I’ll worry about the day after. Of course this could be procrastination talking. I’ll do it tomorrow. But it’s nearly midnight in France so I will have to believe that I mean it.

I used to pride myself on never getting writer’s block, because I figured I could always write about something. If I just committed ten minutes. Now that I’ve proven it to myself, I know that I have an extreme case of passivity, and the only way out is action.

Anyone have any advice to keep me moving?

featured image credit: ZeRo’SKiLL

Knowing nothing about the film but what he read on the DVD jacket (1959, four boys go on a camping trip to find a dead body in the woods), M wrinkled his nose and said “Okay, but don’t be mad if I fall asleep.” I said we only had to watch half of it, I was just craving something familiar.

Stand by Me, directed by Rob Reiner, tells the tale of four, twelve year old, small town boys who walk 20 miles on train tracks to see the body of a dead boy in the woods. It came to theaters when I was twelve years old myself. It was especially popular among twelve year old girls for its casting: Will Wheaton as the thoughtful future writer boy, River Phoenix as the misunderstood hoodlum with a heart of gold, Corey Feldman as the war obsessed son of a crazy WWII vet and Jerry O’Connell as the wimpy, fat kid who knows the location of the dead body. A young, hot, Keifer Sutherland is their nemesis, and Richard Dreyfuss’s gravelly voice narrates the thing.

The issues these boys were struggling with were far beyond anything I would ever know, but I still cried with them, and there is enough suspense in the film to keep you on your toes. At the time, just knowing that I would see a dead body on the screen was enough to keep me nervous. I never owned the film, so I didn’t have the chance to memorize it like with another Rob Reiner favorite, The Princess Bride (“Inconceivable!”), but I’m pretty sure Stand by Me taught me how to swear, and I was surprised how well I remembered the beats … the blueberry pie barforama story, “Sic balls Chopper!” or the worst one of all – “LEECHES!”

My French husband did not fall asleep. He laughed at all the jokes, sang along with the soundtrack of 1950s music, and seemed genuinely charmed by the film. But I didn’t tell him “I told you so, I told you it was an awesome movie,” because, while I rented it to share with him because it is an awesome movie, I hadn’t expected to be so engrossed myself.

It used to bother me that M and I don’t share a cultural history. We have some films in common, we know some of the same bands, but not every detail of a country’s cultural experience jumps the pond.

One day last year, tired of not getting the joke at work, I asked my colleagues to help me compile a list of the French films they were always laughing about. They weren’t necessarily the good films, they kept telling me, but they had left their mark on the cultural psyche (for example, Les Bronzés, Les Sous-Doués, Le Père Noël est Une Ordure). I was a bit daunted as how much I had to learn to better understand my peers, and I still have a long way to go on that list.

Now, after last night, I’m glad our cultural history isn’t the same. M and I can share with each other our feel good familiar films, and create our own little cultural experience together. In fact, I’d like to start a tradition. One film a week, we alternate who picks, and share the tale of when and why the film was important to us. If we run out of films we can move on to music and books. It could take a lifetime. If all my sharing experiences are to be as successful and heart warming as with Stand by Me, I can’t wait for the future.

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In Paris, I made a friend who had a beautiful purse collection, and I got bored with the Nine West. Mandarina Duck was the only cool company I knew of, so I bought my first semi expensive (i.e. more than 100 euros) purse from them. It was functional with good pockets and enough leather to look a little bit fancy. It made me feel like a grown up.

We were happy together. But then… I don’t know. The little swath of suede became polished and small rips appeared in the fabric. The purse was letting itself go, and my eye started to wander.

Gerard Darel, I thought. It’s what all the ‘it’ girls have, and I’m an it girl, right? Well, no, but once I got the Gerard Darel 24 hour bag under my skin, it wouldn’t let go. I could be working through a perfectly normal Tuesday afternoon and then find myself staring at the Gerard Darel website without knowing how I got there. I would spend hours examining the colors and prices, even though they never changed. This went on for months, but the bag cost twice the amount of Mandarina Duck. Not expensive for a designer leather purse, but not cheap either.

We finally met and had coffee, me and the Gerard Darel 24 hour bag, but it turned out we didn’t click. The blue looked better online and the bag didn’t close at the top. I would have been settling.

To console me, my friend introduced me to someone new. Abaco Paris. Abaco was classy and funky at the same time. Slouchy and zippery, with that perfect length strap that you can hold in your hand or fit snugly under your arm. Apparently its colors didn’t wear off and the leather held up better than Gerard Darel’s.

Abaco was harder to stalk because I couldn’t find it at Printemps, and the prices aren’t listed on their website. Christmas shopping at Le Bon Marché, I finally got to meet the Abaco line in person. I chose my new stalking victim. The cheapest one they had, of course, but it was more expensive than the Gerard Darel.

But then I became sentimental. Maybe Mandarina Duck and I could make it work. Through sickness and in health and all that, right? There was really nothing wrong with our relationship, I was just being… fickle. Teary eyed, I confided in my friend, how my heart was torn between my reliable old companion and my sexy new crush.

“Wait until the January sales,” she said, so I focused on the holidays and put Abaco out of my mind. I was happy to spend Christmas with Mandarina Duck, we’re like family, even if the old thing was looking ragged.

A whole month passed, but yesterday afternoon I found myself staring at the website for Le Bon Marche. Even though it was February, the January sales were still on. I headed for the train.

After an hour and two more trains, I stood before a beautiful, but beautiful lamb hide bag. Reduced 50% from its original, luxurious, I could never afford, price.

Mandarina Duck began to weep at my side. I knew its heart was breaking as it watched me fondle Abaco.

“All you need is me!” Mandarina Duck cried out. “I’ll do anything, just tell me what you want, and I’ll change!”

I put Abaco down and wandered to the silk scarf department. I needed to think. I checked out some gloves, and tried on a hat, but I couldn’t deny it.

“I’m sorry Mandarina Duck but you know I’ve been wanting this for months. We’re just not good together anymore, you and me. We’ve grown in different directions. You’re a great bag, but even you have to agree that I can’t pass up this opportunity. 50% off! If I don’t buy it now, who knows how much time I’ll waste stalking it until I can afford it again.”

Mandarina Duck protested but I held up a hand.

“No. It’s not fair to you,” I said. “You should be with someone who appreciates you.”

And I turned away to let the saleslady convince me that even though the only color available was dark brown, it was an unobtrusive brown that wouldn’t clash with my black coat.

“This bag is only a hundred euros more than you were two years ago,” I whispered angrily to Mandarina Duck as the saleslady rang up my purchase.

So now, we’re finally together. Abaco is seqted on its chamois travel bag on the back of my couch, cradling my wallet and my moleskine in its beautifully lined interior. I’m still high from buying it yesterday, but I’m already worried about whether I’m cool enough for my new purse! Even at 50% off, Abaco’s way out of my league.

Where am I going to take it? To the supermarket?

I found myself thinking of events I could attend with Abaco on my arm. I debated whether the weekly escort of my stepdaughter to her ballet class would be too boring and domestic for Abaco. When someone called to ask whether I would attend a workshop I had expressed interest in, I thought, “ooh, Abaco would love that” and arranged for child care so we could go out on the town.

But in the end I know I can be myself with Abaco, because we’re just that good together. Yeah, I’m crazy. Crazy in love! I’ll still think fondly of my first good purse. Mandarina Duck treated me well. It was the starter purse, the gateway bag, but now that I found the real deal, it’s a whole new world. And though I know I don’t have to change for Abaco, being with it makes me want to be a better person. And as anyone would love in a new partner, it looks damn good on my arm.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have dinner reservations to make for Valentine’s Day. I wonder where Abaco would like to go…

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featured image credit: shakotte

So, I’ve compiled a list of affordable in-home French study aids, most of which can be acquired and used without ever leaving the comforting glow of your computer screen.

You need to do four things to learn a language: Learn the Grammar, Listen, Read, and Speak. Let’s start with Grammar.

Tex’s French Grammar is a great website, recommended to me by a French teacher in the US. All aspects of French grammar are taught here, and there are interactive exercises so you can quiz yourself on what you’ve learned. The explanations for the grammar and such are written in English, for whatever it’s worth. Some people prefer that, some don’t.

If you’re into workbooks, we’ve got workbooks. Les 500 Exercises de Grammaire is a strict book of grammar exercises used at the Sorbonne (a Parisien University that has a highly respected French as a foreign language program), and the slightly lighter Alter Ego textbooks are used at the Alliance Française here in Paris. You can buy both of these on Amazon.com (in the US — I checked!). The third book is a Cahier de Vacances, which is a review workbook that parents force their kids to do during long vacations (tigres mamans?). They are sold at supermarkets and the FNAC here in France, and are made for all ages and subject matters. I have one for middle schoolers. I’m not too proud to admit a 12 year old French person probably speaks better than me.

If you’re buying a French language book from France, you should know about the Common European Framework of References for Language (CEFR). This is a guideline for identifying levels of language comprehension. A1 is beginner, then it goes to A2, B1, B2, C1, and C2. C2 is mastery. You’ll see these codes on the books pictured above. The last time I was tested in 2009, I passed into B1, threshold/intermediate.

Don’t forget your reference books, all available at the American iTunes store. The Larousse French/English dictionary ($5.99) Le Petit Robert, is an excellent all French dictionary ($37.99), and Bescherelle offers their famous conjugation book ($3.99) as well as a number of other useful materials.

The Daily Frenchpod is a website dedicated to teaching French to English speakers. There is a five-ish minute daily podcast that you can access through the website or on iTunes, which features a lovely French man who slowly reads a news article, then goes back and breaks down all the sentences to be sure that you’ve understood the grammar and the vocabulary. It’s pretty great, and it’s free, and it’s updated frequently. You can listen to it on iTunes or on the Daily Frenchpod website. There are also Video Vocabulary lessons on the website for free. To access the Grammar and Vocab exercises, and transcripts of the audio and other fun stuff, you have to pay a monthly fee ($18 or less, depending on how long you sign up for). I’ve listened to a lot of “Let me teach you french on my podcast” recordings, and this is definitely the best one.

So now that you remember how the grammar works, it’s time to start reading!

Try a periodical: Les Inrockuptibles (France’s answer to Rolling Stone), the daily newspaper Le Monde, and news and celebrity gossip mag Paris Match, are all free in the American iTunes store.  Try reading an article a day and see where it gets you.

Or a book! France is a bit behind where the Kindle is concerned, they just became available at amazon.fr, so the media is behind too. Unfortunately, Kindle content is restricted to the country in which your Kindle is registered, but there are a lot of public domain French classics available in Kindle edition (most of them for free) at Amazon.com.

Or you might order a real book in French. Depending on your level, and how you feel about reading with a dictionary in your lap, I recommend reading something that’s a) written for younger readers, and b) a story you already know. Maybe it’s cheating, but it can be nice to not waste half of your mental energy trying to follow the story, when the grammar and verb tenses and vocabulary are enough to deal with.

Another tip regarding reading a foreign language is this: Read it twice, and the first time around read without stopping. If you stop to look up every word you don’t know, you might lose the thread of the story and consequently your desire to keep reading. You’ll probably figure out half of those unknown words in context, and realize the other half weren’t super crucial to understanding the story. Then read it a second time with a dictionary at hand to make sure you understood.

But you also need to HEAR French, and that’s easy too!

My first recommendation: Go look in your DVD collection. You probably already own a whole bunch of movies with French language tracks. Try watching a favorite movie dubbed in French. It’s even better if you put on French subtitles with it. Sometimes the subtitles don’t match the script at all (annoying!) but they mean the same thing. Listening in French and reading in English, will be far less immersive.

You can also rent French movies, obviously, if you don’t have anything at the house. I just rented a great comedy for 99¢ at iTunes, it’s called Priceless.

My mom pays Time Warner a little extra to get TV5 Monde, an international French television channel, piped into the house. In looking for their logo, I stumbled upon apprendre.tv, a website created by TV5 Monde for learning French.

And then there’s French Radio. Many stations are available on iTunes or streaming from their websites. My personal favorite is FranceInter, which I understand as the closest thing to NPR we have here. There are tons and tons of things to listen to on the FranceInter website, or one of its smaller branches including FranceInfo, FranceBleu, FranceMusique, or my favorite FranceCulture.

The best thing about FranceCulture is their emissions page, where tons and tons of interesting radio broadcasts can be streamed. My favorite show right now is Fictions/Feuilleton. The listening here is going to be more advanced, and it’s a 25 minute show where works of fiction and non-fiction are recreated for radio. Last year I listened to their abridged version of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest with a full cast, sound effects and music, and they recently did a 20 episode history of Led Zeppelin. This can also be downloaded as a podcast but they only keep the most recent 25 episodes available.

Arte is something like PBS in the US. A television station, made collaboratively by France and Germany,that plays lots of classy movies and documentaries. The ArteRadio website has lots of great listening opportunities on it, from reportages (I suppose NPR would call them auraldocs, or audioportraits?) where normal people are simply followed with a microphone, with no interviewer or editing, to other sound experiments and stories and reports. It’s a really interesting website, and if you can understand it, I highly suggest checking it out. Rather than a trained journalist reading clearly from a script, the recordings found on Arte will give you the most candid audio experience for your French listening pleasure.

But if you don’t feel like going to all this trouble, you can always follow the advice in the following video, How to Fake French.

This is just a slice of what’s available out there to help with your French studies, and I hope it helps! If anyone has other hints or tricks for low-cost at home French study, please let me know about them in the comments.

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But for the most part, the products are pretty run of the mill. For France. I was surprised when I noticed that a package of a dozen QUAIL EGGS were a regular item.
These are about half the size of medium chicken eggs. For now, just enjoy how pretty they are, and look for a future installment where I figure out what to do with Quail Eggs.

It seems so undignified to sell prepared French dishes in a can, but they do. Especially Cassoulet, which is a slow cooked casserole from the south of France that’s made with white beans, some form of meat (goose confit in the photo) and pig skin. Confit means that the, most likely, legs of the goose have been cooked in goosefat, and then left to cool and preserved in the same fat.

There are more cans of marinated mackerel filets than tuna in the canned fish aisle, and an equivalent number of sardine products.  Do you put it on salad?

My grandmother served me tripe once in my life and I will never, ever get over it. Walking by packages of “slow cooked tripe in the Provençal tradition” still makes me shudder, hell this photo makes me shudder, even more than the skinned rabbits cut in half and wrapped in cellophane and the pig snouts found further down the meat aisle.

France loves ham and we have half an aisle devoted to just sliced ham, in a whole bunch of different variations that all look exactly the same on the packaging. Then you have your lardons and alumettes, sliced bacon, and one or two packs of sliced chicken or turkey. The rest of the aisle is pork sausages. There is a supermarket deli, but there you get your paté and wedges of cheese. No roast beef or fresh sliced turkey, but they do have more ham, the cured kind like jambon de parma or rosettes. Over by the dairy, there is a small Halal section where they sell a few more non-ham-based coldcuts. Like, two.
Personally, I’m partial to chicken and I miss it terribly. Chicken costs a fortune here. Two small organic chicken breasts could run you 6 euros or more, and around 4 euros for the scary looking brand. They sell turkey cutlets too, and we often go with those because they’re cheaper.

I considered cooking a chapon for Christmas this year, which a castrated cock (apparently it makes them taste better) with blue feet that will run you from 25 euros for what Americans would consider a normal sized roaster at the supermarket to 60 euros at the butcher. I don’t know if it’s true, but I imagine a 50 euro bird might have lived a better life than a cheap hen from a huge industrial chicken plant… I doubt the 60 euro chapon had ever frolicked on a farm, but still… something’s got to justify the price.

Who needs rats in the kitchen when there’s canned ratatouille!

I grew up thinking of yogurt as something you mixed with granola for breakfast, or maybe something you filled out your bag lunch with when you were watching what you ate. In France, yogurt is dessert. At my French supermarket, there are one and a half aisles of yogurt and yogurt-like products. Fromage blanc, faisselle, and yogurt based desserts served in individual containers, strawberry and chocolate flavored yogurts for the kids, with crunchy sprinkles you can dump into them… In our household, a plain yogurt or fromage blanc with a spoonful of sugar or honey is an everyday dessert, and the kids can’t leave the table until eating theirs.

And if you want to make your own yogurt, you can just pick up the cultures in the flour and sugar aisle. A few years ago I got the idea in my head to make my own yogurt at the house. I searched supermarkets and Whole Foods in Los Angeles, interrogating the people in the dairy section on where to get the cultures. They all gave me a variation of: “You should be able to buy it, but not here…” Well, all you need to make your own yogurt is a spoonful of plain yogurt. Except in America, I couldn’t find a small amount of plain yogurt, it was only sold in a quart size, and anything smaller was made from something weird like goat’s milk. Now I understand what I had been looking for.

And I’ll finish with a non-food item. French houses and apartments don’t have screens in the windows and every summer I get so angry at how backwards this country is. No screens?! So, to fight mosquitos, you can do a few things. You can put geraniums in your windows, supposedly. You can keep your windows closed and suffocate. If you’re sitting outside you can light a mosquito coil, which is like a spiral shaped piece of hard incense that makes anti-mosquito smoke. And you can plug in one of these things (see photo) that heats up and releases poison into the air to keeps the moustiques at bay.

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Once again most of our bloggers are resolving to lose weight and hit writing goals this year — we’re kind of predictable in that way. However, maybe because of the continued recession or the fact that we’re getting older, almost all of the resolutions seem a bit more practical this year — except for Sarah Fazeli’s. Actually, I think that’s why I like Sarah Fazeli’s resolution best of all. 

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, … AND LOSE WEIGHT

My resolution last year was to “change my eating habits for the better.” I did that, and even though it took me till the last few months to do so, I have managed to not only succeed, but also to drop 30 pounds in the process. My resolution for 2012: to stick with my gym habits and keep working out till I reach my goal. If I stick to it like I have over the last few months, I will be healthier and more fit than I have ever been in my whole life.

Zack Bunker from Tall Glass of Shame and Runway Rundown

Lose 25 pounds.  In 2011 I think I gained 25 pounds.  So I am looking to go back to 2010 basically.
Patrick Connolly from Piping Hot Nerd: Adventures of a Bagpiper Mastering Manhattan

My 2011 resolutions were: keep my job, lose weight, finish novel. I did all of those things: kept the job until they fired all of us, lost weight and then gained half of it back, and yes, I finished the novel. This year the big resolution is to get paid to write, for the first time ever. The rest is always the same. Lose weight. Work. Be happy. All that. Goes without saying.
Gudrun Cram-Drach from Secret Life of an Expat

I think that for 2011 I resolved to be nicer to myself, and I think for the most part I have been pretty good at refraining from constant self-recrimination.  For 2012, I resolve to take better care of my health.  I’ll be thirty-five this year, and while a marathon is not my style, I’d like to maintain my recent healthy habits like walking and eating more veggies, and add some new ones in time.  Also, I’d like to be less angry.  I’m pretty sure it will kill me or incarcerate me if left untreated.
Roya Hamadani from Fierce Foodie

Since I didn’t make a resolution last year, I didn’t have to stick to one. It worked out really well. Can’t I just stick with that one for this year too? No? Ok, I resolute that I will lose 10 pounds (and gain it back, and lose it, and gain it back again, and, well… you get the picture).

Frankie V from Frankie Says…

I always keep my resolutions pretty simple and vague, as to make them easily achievable. So this year I will continue to “show them all”, “get even” , and “settle the score”… oh and lose ten to fifteen more pounds.

Sam the Sham from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, … AND WRITE! 

Maybe this is how it goes when you have kids – your New Years resolutions become lifetime resolutions.  Maybe I’ll get last years done this year, maybe I won’t, but I can certainly start.  Keep working on my scripts.  Shoot a microbudget feature film.  Plug away at the self indulgent novel that I know at least 5 people want to read.  Find a good day care for my sprouting child.  Run a 5K in under 30 minutes.  See my friends more.  Score a goal.  Surf.  Dunk.  Get a dog.  Buy a house, if only to no longer be president of the HOA.  Too many?  Too few?  Too early to start now?
Josh Pullin from Stay-at-Home Dad

The one thing I didn’t get around to is finishing my memoir THE YEAR THAT SUCKED. So, that’s what I’ll do in 2011. Really. Honest. I just took a memoir intensive course and ventured into a writing partnership for just that purpose. Plus, if I don’t finish it this year, then I’ll have to face up to you guys next year. I don’t wanna do that. Oh and I need to lose 20 lbs before our big 10th Anniversary party in June.

Amy Robinson, Blogumnist Editor and writer of Tall Drink of Nerd

So the 2011 goals – Overall grade: C-

• Write one new novel, one new screenplay, and shoot one short film. Check on the novel. CHeck on the screenplay. Fail on the short film.
• Volunteer two days per month. Total fail. I tried to assuage my guilt by over-donating to my regular charities. While they were happy, I’m still faced with the knowledge I didn’t get out into the real world and help others.
• Limit news/political intake to 15 minutes per day. This probably wound up being about right. But only because there were days when I was on a complete media blackout and other days where I didn’t stop reading HuffPo. Providing that it’s possible to fail through success.

2012 Goals:

• Be better. In general and specifically.
• Volunteer once a month.
• Write ten pages per day, every weekday.

R. B. Ripley from Hyperbolic Tendencies

THE RESOLUTIONS THAT (GASP!) DON’T INVOLVE WRITING OR WEIGHT LOSS

I will finally do that burlesque show I’ve been talking about since 2009. There. Now I’m on the record! I’ll be the one in a wig and glitter. Get out your tassles, Frances!

Sarah Fazeli from Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

Less moping, more hoping!  (which is kind of ambitious for an election year) (and seems like a more succinct iteration of last year’s resolution) (so we’ll see how it goes)

Michael Kass from Single White Nerd

My 2012 resolution is to try and be more organized. Things really get messy cos I am working on lots of things at once, and I love to multi-task. You do not want to see my craft room, trust me. My resolution for 2011 was better penmanship. I started out good, and sometimes I take my time writing my name when I sign a check, but I feel I have slipped up again. My writing is not so neat lately. I need to slow down and take my time.

Missy Kulik from Dork Lifesyle

Finally get around to watching BREAKING BAD. I know. I know [dodges boot] I’ll get to it. Geez. I got around to quitting smoking in 2011, I’ll get around to more important things like watching a television show in 2012.

Joshua Mauldin from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

I think I wrote about keeping your resolutions to yourself, but what the heck. Last year I vowed to try to run a half-marathon. I did that in October, and felt really good about it, but I know there’s more in the tank. This year, I’m doing a full 26.2 miles. Pittsburgh Marathon. May 6. I’m already registered, so there’s no backing out now (and no reason to keep it to myself).

Joe Rusin from On the Contrary

Last year I resolved to do better with anger management. It didn’t really go so well, but it’s not really my fault since the rest of the world didn’t live up to their resolution to STOP PISSING ME OFF.  So this year, I’m just gonna try and keep my DVR above 50% and make more gratuitous and obscure musical theatre references. God, I hope you get them.

Eric Sims from California Seething

Travel more?  My 2011 Resolution was to travel and i didn’t do any of it, because I was so busy. So I guess 2012, Im freaking going somewhere. Even if it’s Dallas. Ok, not Dallas, but somewhere.

Matt Udvari from Gamer by Design

THE REBEL OR JUST FORGETFUL NON-RESOLUTERS

I don’t do this.
CH from CH’s Picture of the Day

To remember my 2011 resolution and accomplish it.
Ryan Dixon, FIERCE ANTICIPATION editor and writer of The Ryan Dixon Line

ONCE UPON A TIME, AMERICAN HORROR STORY, PAN AM and gasp! NEW GIRL all made both the Best of and Worst of lists. The bigger surprise, however, is how many cable shows ended up in the Worse of, which in the past might as well have been called a “worst broadcast and reality shows of the year” list. However, in 2011, many of us were disappointed by what were supposed to be the quality shows. Especially…

THE WALKING DEAD 

THE WALKING DEAD. I so didn’t care what happened to that little girl after she wandered off… After two episodes I was already sick of hearing about her, so dragging the storyline out to the mid-season finale (whatever the hell that is) really annoyed me. All the fun of the first season’s constant change was replaced with pregnancy tests and a big boring farm housing a barn full of zombies. I know i’ll tune back in when they resume episodes in February, but if they don’t pick up the pace soon I’m going to tune out. I have been reading the graphic novel it is based on, and boy don’t I wish they did it better justice. Now I see what all you fanboy purists were bitching about after episode 3 last year.
Zack Bunker from Tall Glass of Shame and Runway Rundown

For the second year in a row, I’m giving Worst of honors to THE BORING WALKING DEAD. Last year, it felt like I spent an entire season waiting for this show to live up to the promise of its series opener, only to be disappointed by the season finale. This year, I spent the entire season just waiting for something to happen, only to be a little bit pleasantly surprised by its last two episodes. That time-spent math is so bad. Sadly, I feel compelled to keep watching, because the show has promised that Michionne (one of the most badass black women in comic history) will be introduced in season, and I’m hoping that even this show’s writing staff won’t be able to figure out how to render her completely boring.

Ernessa from Fierce and Nerdy

THE WALKING DEAD. I want to love it.I try and try, but it just keeps disappointing.

CH from CH’s Picture of the Day

MORE NON-QUALITY CABLE

Pfff I don’t know. HUNG has lost its appeal, but I couldn’t say why. And the last episode of ENTOURAGE was pretty terrible. I hope there’s an Ari spinoff where he turns into an a-hole again.

Gudrun Cram-Drach from Secret Life of an Expat

 
The second half of AMERICAN HORROR STORY. It’s not that hard to engross viewers in a mystery, it’s damn near-impossible to pay off that mystery in a satisfying way [see Dexter Season One]. Once the writers started to reveal the secrets (I had a bad feeling when they note-for-note copied the Columbine incident for a character’s exposition) the show went downhill fast.

Joshua Mauldin from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

PAN AM was a total plane wreck. A wanna be that never got off the ground.
Patrick Connolly from Piping Hot Nerd: Adventures of a Bagpiper Mastering Manhattan

It’s sad how far  GLEE has fallen. It was my favorite show in its dazzling, unmarred first season. Now its a crapshoot if its even watchable week to week. Inconsistent much? Also, anything with “Real” and “Housewives” in the title.

Sarah Fazeli from Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered
 
The GOP debates- or as they are known on Bravo- The Real Nutbags of the American Right. They are like one long infomercial for Obama’s reelection. Also, GLEE. Is this what teen entertainment has been reduced to? John Hughes must be rolling in his grave. I ought to track down the writers of GLEE and duct-tape their butt-cheeks together. Saturday detention would be totally worth it.

Eric Sims from California Seething

Sadly, I must say SUPERNATURAL has been deeply disappointing since the whole “Cass is the new God and not a very good one” plot line.  Woe is me!

Roya Hamadani from Fierce Foodie

GRIMM.  I don’t understand why people like this show.
Michael Kass from Single White Nerd

PARENTHOOD.  An over-dramatization of an already overly dramatic experience.  None for me, thanks.

Josh Pullin from Stay-at-Home Dad

I’m not sure I have the right to say this, since I only watched about 7 minutes of it – but it was that bad that I had to turn it off. TWO BROKE GIRLS was so annoyingly stupid for the 7 minutes that I watched it, that all I could keep thinking was, “Wow, Kat Denning’s got big boobs, and a nice ‘real-girl figure’…”

Frankie V from Frankie Says…

NEW GIRL. Zooey, STOP IT. You’re adorable. I get that, America gets that. You don’t need to do this… Let’s stop this charade… call me.

Sam the Sham from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

 DISAPPOINTING REALITY

SUPER BOWL XLV – Green Bay Packers 31 – Pittsburgh Steelers 25. Enough said.

Ryan Dixon, FIERCE ANTICIPATION editor and writer of The Ryan Dixon Line

WE THE PEOPLE with Gloria Alred.  Why does she have a court show?  I hope everyone understands that this show is 100% fake.  These are actors doing re-enactments of old court cases.  It’s from Entertainment Studios, the same people behind AMERICA’S COURT with Judge Ross, which is also fake.  And don’t get me started on the sub-par production values.  My high school AV department could crank out a better show than this.

Jersey Joe from Kicking Back with Jersey Joe

LADY HOGGERS - I mean, WHY???

Missy Kulik from Dork Lifesyle

All Real Housewives shows. Why do I feel like I’m the only person who’s not entertained by manufactured conflict? It raises my blood pressure to watch 5 min of this thing.

Matt Udvari from Gamer by Design

Amy wasn’t the only one who will dearly miss this show. For the first time ever an already cancelled show is making an appearance on our Best of list. Also of note: a return of the scripted show. This is our most fictional Best of list yet. GAME OF THRONES, ONCE UPON A TIME, and AMERICAN HORROR STORY also received its share of love, but OUAT and AHS are just two of the shows that’ll also show up on tomorrow’s worst of list. What other dramas did we both love and hate? Come back tomorrow to find out. 

MORE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA

PRIME SUSPECT.  I suspect that this show, which has already been cancelled, may be brought back to prime time.  That Maria Bello is something else.

Josh Pullin from Stay-at-Home Dad
 
AMERICAN HORROR STORY. The best new show on television this season. It has all my favorite things: A wicked sense of humor, freaks, creepy plot twists, sex, bitchy gay ghosts, things that make you cringe and the most horrific neighbor you can imagine played brilliantly by Jessica Lange. (If she doesn’t win an Emmy I will eat my blogumn.) I haven’t enjoyed a show this much since Twin Peaks!
Zack Bunker from Tall Glass of Shame and Runway Rundown

The First Half of AMERICAN HORROR STORY. This show started out with a bang. A great mystery, macabre characters, creepiness at every turn. Jessica Lange chain smoking and chewing scenery. Tami Taylor sans drawl. What could go wrong?

Joshua Mauldin from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

I am going to say REVENGE even though I only saw one episode. I am busy trying to catch up with life on DVD.  Shame on me.  I work in television.

Patrick Connolly from Piping Hot Nerd: Adventures of a Bagpiper Mastering Manhattan

RINGER because an actress like Sarah Michelle Gellar should be on TV dammit.  Buffy will never die!

Roya Hamadani from Fierce Foodie

I can’t remember the last time a show took over my day-to-day imagination like the all-too-brief ten episodes of HBO’s GAME OF THRONES.

Ryan Dixon, FIERCE ANTICIPATION editor and writer of The Ryan Dixon Line
 
GAME OF THRONES. It was like a medieval fantasy version of THE WIRE with its multiple characters and story arcs (and willingness to kill off any character). There was a fair amount of sex and violence, but none of it gratuitous, since it all worked to move the story forward instead of being merely exploitive like the awful TRUE BLOOD. Plus, it’s gotten a lot of people (myself included) to read the books, to which so far the series has been remarkably faithful.

Joe Rusin from On the Contrary

ONCE UPON A TIME.  I don’t know why.  I really don’t.  But I kind of love it.

Michael Kass from Single White Nerd
 

ONCE UPON A TIME on ABC. Why didn’t I think of this show? Why didn’t I write it? Why am I not starring in it? I demand to know. It’s like someone took the way I think and made an hour-long drama out of it.

Sarah Fazeli from Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered
 

I don’t watcha  lot of TV except for Sunday AMC shows and stupid pawning shows that make me fall asleep at 12:30. So Im gonna have to default to the latest AMC show, HELL ON WHEELS. Otherwise known as “that train show with Common.”

Matt Udvari from Gamer by Design

DOWNTON ABBEY – I love the scenery, costumes, and the story. I love how it really transports me to another time.

Missy Kulik from Dork Lifesyle
 
I know it’s not groundbreaking, or mind-bending, or even that exciting, but something about PAN AM has me hooked. Those little blue dresses, jet setting around the world, opportunities to meet good-looking men in suits in a hotel lobby… some of my deepest fantasies are embedded in that show. I’m sure that’s what ABC was counting on with us 25-35 year olds.

Frankie V from Frankie Says…
 

*DEAD* 

HAPPY ENDINGS makes me laugh so hard. It’s a modern version of FRIENDS.

CH from CH’s Picture of the Day

I don’t know if it’s because if my friends Sallie Patrick and Delia Hauser had a baby, she would look exactly like Zooey Daschanal or because she’s just so darn awkwardly adorable in this show. But NEW GIRL is the only new show right now that I just have to watch every week and as close to its time slot as possible. I love her roommates and I just adore all the high jinks they get into. Couldn’t love this show more . Though, I also want to give shout-outs to the hilarious (and way better than FRIENDS) HAPPY ENDINGS (Damon Wayons Jr — who knew?), REVENGE, and ONCE UPON A TIME, which I’m enjoying despite that annoying-as-heck kid.

Ernessa from Fierce and Nerdy

NEW GIRL.  I jumped on the bandwagon late on this one, but I’m glad I did.  It’s nice to see a new sitcom back on television and Zooey Deschanel is hilarious. The show is funny, imaginative, and has great writing.  The laughs work and shouldn’t be missed!

Jersey Joe from Kicking Back with Jersey Joe
 
Comedy – UP ALL NIGHT (Fox). It’s the cast. I can’t get enough of Christina Applegate and the relationship she and Will Arnett (who is refreshingly un-schticky) is just fabulous. Maya Rudolph’s gravy. Drama – AWAKE on NBC. Just wait, you’ll see.

R. B. Ripley from Hyperbolic Tendencies

LOUIE. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m supposed to pick some piece of shit show that premiered in 2011 but, to quote the theme song, it’s “Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie.” When I watch Louie, I’m 24 again, laughing uncontrollably in the back of the Comedy Cellar watching a genius at work on a Tuesday night and begging the MC for a five minute spot in front of the six drunks left in the club at 11:30 PM (two of them are making out and one only speaks Hebrew) so I can try out my new Scrooge McDuck: Baby Raper bit. It’s a shitty, wonderful life being a comic and he nails it perfectly.

Eric Sims from California Seething

NON-FICTION GEMS 

CURIOSITY (on The Discovery Channel). I think the format of the show, coupled with the breadth of topics it covers keeps this show engaging to not just science nerds, but also anybody, as the title suggests, curious about a given topic. The Adam Savage episode particularly blew my mind, talking about technology extending human life well into the future.

Sam the Sham from FIERCE ANTICIPATION

MASTERCHEF FRANCE– LOVED IT! MASTERCHEF was great for my language studies. Here’s why: people bring their accents from all over the country, they talk normally so you hear lots of swearing and slang, you learn about French food, not just what’s done in the restaurant but what home chefs are capable of (for example, they don’t panic when faced with a dessert challenge, or octopus for that matter), you learn about French chefs, big shot visits every week for the final elimination challenge, and they go to cool places in France to do their challenges. They even went to New York City for one episode, which was disappointing because the challenge in cooking “American food” was to make a hamburger and cheesecake. Even the chefs are clueless about what we eat.

Gudrun Cram-Drach from Secret Life of an Expat