Santa Monica, CA – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Amidst what was called a tour-de-force by spectators, street performer Francois Armand accidentally swallowed a chain of scarves and passed away from suffocation at the Santa Monica Promenade Wednesday afternoon. The scarves, which he normally hid in his mouth at the beginning of the routine, were intended for the finale but became lodged in his throat while attempting to escape from an invisible box. The unfortunate event was witnessed by thirty-six people, none-of-whom stopped to help him. “I thought he was tearing it up,” said Andrea Carpenter, a UCLA student waiting in line at the Apple Store, “At no point did I think he was ever in a stiff wind but the choking thing, that was so realistic I was like ‘damn, you go mime.” Services for Armand will be held at the Our Lady of the Obvious Joke church this Sunday at six o’clock. featured image credit: danny...

Tacoma, WA – 2pm PST By Joshua Mauldin A three-year study by the advocacy group Center For Cannabis Justice concluded Wednesday that people who report panic attacks and other heightened levels of anxiety from THC have simply not been exposed to the substance correctly. Lead researcher and amateur musician/philosopher Trip Bongmaster, who legally changed his name from Trent Burmaster in 2009, believes his group’s findings have proven that when done right, marijuana can be nothing but good times. “In every one of our trials, participants who reported harsh trips in the past had a killer high when placed on an old couch in a sparsely lit room with ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ leading the way.” Bongmaster blames pharmaceutical companies for intentionally perpetuating misinformation on the potential for paranoia with THC use. “That’s what they’re all about. They want to keep us hooked on Xanax and Prozac so they can make record profits and turn us into to mindless robots. Don’t smoke weed, it’ll make you freak out, take our lab poison instead. And it doesn’t stop there. It goes way deeper than that.” Those interested in finding out just how deep it goes are invited to attend the next Center For Cannabis Justice meeting possibly this Saturday, depends on, you know, what’s up in the air this weekend. featured image credit: Torben Bjorn...

Rocksville, AR – 10am PST By Joshua Mauldin Arkansas Facebook servers crashed for seventeen seconds this morning when a Rocksville resident wrote an unrecognizable sequence of letters in the comment section of his son’s page. “I’ve argued about gay marriage with David for years, ” said Kenneth Wilton, a 43-year-old previous proponent of traditional values, “but the meme he posted forced me to realize my views were based more in emotion than logic.” When Wilton wrote, “You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry” on the meme thread, the words caused a glitch in Facebook’s programming design. Gwen Halpern, Technical Director in charge of the momentary crash, admitted the Facebook framework wasn’t prepared for that specific phrase to inputted. “Quite frankly, we’ve never seen this happen before. Facebook was designed for people of opposing views to argue back and forth until one person gives up, planning for phrases of contrition seemed unnecessary.” Though the servers recovered shortly after crashing, a long term fix for the issue has yet to be implemented. “We’re working on it but it’s not a priority. Mr. Wilton’s change of heart is most likely an anomaly.” featured image credit: Franco...