Cheating With a Model Is Still Cheating! [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My husband cheated on me with a somewhat famous lingerie model. He told me the entire story and claims it was a “seize the day” moment for him & he’d never have forgiven himself if he hadn’t. He was shocked I wasn’t high fiveing him over his once in a lifetime opportunity!!! Needless to say, it was a crushing moment for me. My body and trust issues were never so great to start with, especially after having two daughters with him and now… Well, I don’t know what to do with this. I love him. I know he loves me. We have a family but to think that any time a pretty lady walks by he is going to kick himself or blame me for not f-ing her?! I need to heal and I’m not sure where to begin.
Betrayed in Mom Jeans
Wow. That is a really difficult place to be. Being with a partner who has strayed is incredibly hard and me saying something along the lines of, “Well, at least he communicated to you and it is not an ongoing thing” is NOT going to help at this moment. You have every right to be “crushed”. Do not hold those toxic hurtings inside! It may even be a good idea to have the girls stay with someone else for a few days while you deeply feel your feelings. Definitely find a therapist, RIGHT NOW, to work through your own body and trust issues as well as a Couple’s Counselor who specializes in infidelity. There are support groups, too. Use as many resources out there for support as you can so that your healing over his betrayal can begin.
But what to do with this? Let your husband know how shaky you are feeling in regards to EVERYTHING except his love. Dreading every pretty lady in the world is no way to live because it is going to drive you crazier than how you are now. Ask if this is something that may rear it’s head again, if the opportunity presents itself, or if it truly was a “once in a lifetime situation”. That truth will answer a lot of questions as to where to go next. A reality check needs to be in place here. Of course you are going to be happy for Hubby’s joys and conquests but NOT when they involve having sex with someone else, unbeknownst to you. There are many relationships with Celebrity Free Passes*, but this definitely does not sound like one of them. Sure, he may see his experience as important, but I bet he sees his family as incredibly important, too. Hopefully, he will be able to acknowledge your hurt.
Betrayal is never easy to handle. It can pull at all of those attachment issues built up throughout your life. Understand, you have every right to be upset but you also need to figure out if you are going to be able to get over it and forgive him. Otherwise, this is going to tear you and your family apart, slowly and gradually. Remember, his indiscretion is certainly not a reflection on YOU. Dig in hard to maintain the last vestiges of your self-esteem. Be kind and gentle to you, BiMJ, by ceasing the negative dialogue that tears you down – start doing some nice things for yourself and you will get through this terrible period in your life.
Lust & Happiness,
*A “Celebrity Free Pass” is when usually monogamous partners have a pre-approved list of famous people they would be ‘allowed’ to have sex with if the opportunity was presented. These lists can be quite popular, regardless of the facts that: 1. There is no way they will ever actually meet the folks on the list and 2. Even if they did, their amorous desires are unlikely to be returned. It can be a fun game but only if both parties are on board for the unlikely eventuality.
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