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Cryptozoologist Claims Discovery Of Legendary Defecating Human Female [Daily News Brief]

Glasgow, Scotland – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

Science has long confirmed that nutrients in the human female is digested in the upper intestine and released as an invisible, odorless gas through tiny pours in the skin. Thus, the lower intestine and the sphincter serve no practical purpose; a vestigial, evolutionary holdover like the appendix.

However, world famous cryptozoologist Edmund Hanks is challenging that assertion by claiming to have discovered an adult, female homo sapien who both defecates like a male and produces a gaseous excretion similar to the flatulence.

“I’ve been tracking Bessie through the back hills of Scotland for ten years now,” said Hanks, regarding the creature he and the locals affectionately refer to as ‘Bessie’. “I believe I have finally acquired photographic and physical evidence to prove her existence.”

Scientists at the University of Glasgow agree that the physical specimen provided by Hanks is indeed human, but they are unable to verify if the DNA belongs to a male or female.

Sean Monaghan, the expert in charge of examining the photographic evidence, remains skeptical. “It’s possible Bessie’s a woman, she could also be an effeminate man or a hairless chimp.”

Being a married man himself, Monaghan thinks Hanks’ persistence is a fool’s errand at best. “Even if we can prove that the creature in the picture is a human woman, she’ll never admit the dump was hers.”

Feature Image Credit: Health & Beauty