Daddy Issues [Frankie Says...]
Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.
For me it happened this week, when I realized that the man I was falling for was utterly, ultimately f-ed up. He was going to drag me down with him, or worse, use me like he uses the other girls.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have what the masses call ‘daddy issues.’ Actually, that’s a lie. I have always used that term loosely when describing my issues with men, but only recently has it actually had any weight. I always used it in this ethereal, unattached way – like even if I said it, it wasn’t actually me with the issue. I never truly believed it, just assumed it was part of my cultural make-up.
Now, it’s showing its authenticity in the men I choose. They are usually in the same line of work my father is in, emotionally they are haywire, and they always don’t necessarily like me to begin with. It’s the winning them over that gives me the first thrill. It’s the power of turning them, making them see me and want to be with me.
This resonates with the little girl in me who knew she had a father out there, but he didn’t want me – left before I was born and didn’t seem to care all that much that I existed until many, many years later, when I made him see me, made him want me. That initial gaining of control is what hooks me, and them.
After that it turns into a game of ‘I like you. Do you like me?’ The constant search of approval, in whatever form it comes – sex is most often the medium. So I use that to keep them in my grasp. But still, they aren’t the right one, so it’s just this desperate attempt to delay the inevitable – the leaving.
Once the leaving happens – sometimes of my own volition, sometimes theirs – I run it through in my head again…what went wrong?
What went wrong? Seriously? I went wrong. I chose them in the first place.
To be continued…
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featured image credit: hmmlargeart