Date online with caution… [Frankie Says…]

Frankie says…

Date online with caution. (Should go without saying, but hey… a little reinforcement never hurt anyone – myself included.)

I am very likely going to completely embarrass myself by telling this story, but it’s too juicy and ridiculous and hysterical not to tell…

A few weeks ago I signed up for a dating website that caters to pretty girls looking for…well, let’s just be out with it – sugar daddies. Yes, I, an intelligent, independent, hard-working young woman, signed up for a sugar daddy dating site. So as not get into the reasons why too deeply, I’ll just say that I was incredibly tired of meeting guys that couldn’t even afford to take me out to dinner, or only wanted sex, or never wanted sex, or any of the other myriad mismatched dating situations I found myself in.

I’d tried a couple of other traditional dating sites with not much success (nor effort, I must admit, but it’s so hard when all I get is, xxx_Romeo_xxx who is 5’5” 250 lbs. from West Covina wants to meet you!). So I stepped up the playing field a little and went to what I’ll call “Sugar.com.”

After a couple weeks of 70-year-olds, fat men, ugly men, creepy men, and men who were married, a Dean Cain look-alike contacted me. He was 35, lived in Los Angeles and had a hefty income. We’ll call him Andrew.

I jumped at the opportunity. I emailed back, we chatted a bit, and then started texting and trying to find a time to meet. I was having an exceptionally busy week, and he seemed just as tied up. He invited me to his holiday party at his Hollywood Hills house (who am I kidding? His Hollywood Hills mansion), on Saturday.

I show up, dressed sleek, sophisticated and sexy. The house was incredible: A 180-degree view of Los Angeles, an infinity pool and hot tub, a grand piano in the spacious living room with glass windows overlooking the view. Later on, I found out that there were eight bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs. He had the party well on its way when I showed up at 9pm, complete with two DJs, sexy bartenders at a fully stocked bar, door girls, a bouncer and parking guys.

I find him soon after I enter and he recognizes me from my picture online. Which was good, as explaining myself would have been awkward. He says about two words to me and then excuses himself. For the next 45 minutes, I’m standing by myself, an anomaly in a sea of scantily clad, badly dyed blond hair and fake boobs and sleek-looking but dull-sounding suits.

I am finally approached by a young, but very adorable guy. His name will be Alex. Turns out he’s Andrew’s younger brother. Perfect, I think. We flirt, harmlessly, chatting away about lucid dreaming and ballet and what he does for his brother as one of his entrepreneurial employees. Another 30 minutes pass and still no sign of Andrew. I mention this to Alex and he asks how I know his brother. I explain that we have a mutual friend (aka the internet) and they said we should meet (i.e. see if a sugar daddy arrangement would suit us). Alex understands that he’s now flirting with someone that his older brother potentially could date. That doesn’t seem to stop him. Or me. Bad girl.

After two drinks, which is my limit when driving, I say that I have to go. I do actually have another party to get to at a friend’s in the valley, so I say my goodbyes to Alex and a few others I’d been chatting with. I find Andrew and slightly annoyed say that we’ll have to meet another time. He apologizes for being so busy with his guests, and I say I completely understand. Then Andrew says he saw that I was talking to Alex. I acknowledge his little brother’s kindness in keeping me company when Andrew could not, and make my exit.

As I approach my car and fish for my keys, it hits me: they’re on my front seat. It’s freezing out and I’m pissed and annoyed and tired. I get on the phone to AAA and thank goodness they say they’ll be there in a half hour. As I’m shivering in the cold, Alex walks up. Oh god…

He had been taking care of some parking issues outside and heard me on the phone. I’m quietly ecstatic that he’s out there with me, in the cold, under the moon, flashing his dimples and scratching his curly mane. We get closer and flirtier and because of the cold, of course, end up in each other’s arms. He kisses me. A small kiss. A young man’s kiss. It’s cute, and soft, and I forget all about Andrew for a minute.

The tow truck comes and breaks into my car. I give Alex my number and leave (after another, heavier round of kissing).

Cut to this morning.

The following is the text conversation I have with Alex: (because I couldn’t explain the scenario more perfectly than this account of the actual text messages…)

HIM: You want to know something funny?

ME: Yes.

HIM: You were already in my contacts… and there’s a picture of you. Haha.

ME: What?? How? Why??
(I’m wracking my brain to try and remember if I’d met him before, or worse, hooked up with him before).

HIM: I sync my contacts to Andrew’s gmail account which has thousands of contacts and it has a lot of people who registered for dating sites. Did you sign up on Sugar.com?

ME: Yes

HIM: Haha. What’s your real name?

ME: My real name is what I told you. Whatever’s in there is a fake name I go by on the site – for privacy reasons. But obviously there’s not my privacy… this is so weird. Who saves contact info from dating sites??

HIM: My brother. He owns a bunch of dating sites, be he doesn’t own this one. So I’m as confused as you as to why you were in there too.

ME: I signed up a few weeks ago. Last night was the first time I met someone off it…

HIM: Wait… you were meeting Andrew last night because you two had been talking on sugar.com?? LOL, you guys… This is getting to be an even more hilarious situation.

ME: Yes. I was on that site – but obviously your brother was using it for research purposes. Trust me… I don’t know what I’m doing. The other dating sites just kept giving me losers. I figured I’d turn the notch up a bit and go out with someone that could actually pay for dinner.

Oh god. This is hysterical (aka totally embarrassing). Especially since I ended up kissing they guy’s little brother!!

HIM: Well at least you got his brother…

ME: Have you told him yet?

HIM: Nope.

ME: Are you going to?

HIM: Maybe. Fuck it. I may as well come clean… I’m 19. (He told me he was 21.) Hahaha. I know this whole situation probably just blew your mind, but take a deep breath… or maybe two.

ME: I can’t stop laughing. And I knew you weren’t 21…

HIM: Yea, I look young…

ME: Don’t tell Andrew – that’s just awkward.

HIM: It’s too bad we have a bit of an age difference.

ME: Yea, 9 years… and it’s even worse that I still want to see you.

HIM: That can probably be arranged.

And there you have it folks. One of the most awkward and embarrassing situations I’ve ever found myself in. And I don’t even know what is going to happen with Andrew – I guess that depends on if Alex tells him or not. I mean I don’t want to see him… he ignored me the whole time I was at his party. But if this gets to him, I will officially be humiliated. And worse, I don’t know who is the bad guy in this situation… Andrew, for owning dating websites and trying them out as research projects and being an ass when I come to his party; Alex, for hitting on someone too old for him and was at the party to meet his brother; or me, for being on the website in the first place and then totally being inappropriate and kissing the 19-year-old brother of the guy I was potentially supposed to date!

Judges?

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featured image credit: lisbokt