Dear Thursday: Interesting Moments in an Interracial Relationship
One last Hawaii shot from when we went to Kona for Dan and Nicole's wedding. My friend Kalimba gave me this dress and it's a great exercise motivator, b/c I really, really want to be able to fit into it again by this time next year, unless I'm pregnant again, in which case, nevermind.
So though I’m definitely positive when it comes to Interracial Relationships, they do have their interesting moments. I’m lucky to live in California where IR relationships are quite common. However, the influx of BW-WM relationships is fairly recent, so often CH and I will go some place and be the only IR couple of this sort.
I won’t say that we get stared at, but we do get remembered. For example in our old neighborhood of Silverlake, many of the waiters at restaurants that we frequented could guess what we wanted before we made our order. If you live in LA, you know how uncommon it is for a waiter to remember what his or her regulars eat. And it never happened in the places that I frequented before meeting CH, but it happens all the time to us. We also get remembered at grocery stores, by work acquaintances no matter how brief the meeting, and by the front desk staff of our dentist, OB, fertility doctor, and Betty’s pediatrician. To put this in perspective, I’ve been going to the same doctor as Betty for about five years now, and they never remembered my name but now they do. And I’ve gotten used to hearing, “Oh hi, Ernessa, Dr. Whoever will be with you in just a moment” by the time I walk into a medical office the second time with CH.
I don’t mind being known as half of that one BW-WM IR couple, but it does put me at a guilty disadvantage, when people remember us, but I don’t remember them.
Also, travelling is very interesting. While CH finds small towns with one privately-owned gas station charming, I find them horror-movie scary, as they could potentially house all manner of racist rednecks looking to teach the IR couple a lesson about miscegenation. You know how a lot of white people find it uncomfortable and/or scary to get out of their car in the ghetto? That’s exactly how I feel about all-white small towns — especially in the Midwest and South. And there’s been more than one incident when CH would have to persuade me out of the car by assuring me that “mostly hippies live here” or “it’s a red state, but this area is known for its artists” and before we visited his family in Texas, I was reassured that Plano (which I had never heard of before CH) was neither small nor remote.
Luckily I’m particularly insensitive to staring, having spent two semesters in China and a year in Japan, where you had to become immune or risk going crazy. (On a sidenote: when my sister came to visit me in Osaka, on the eighth night of her ten-day trip, she suddenly refused to leave the apartment, because she was “sick of being stared at” — it really was that intense and I ended up taking her to a gaijin [foreigner] bar instead that night). If I wasn’t numb to staring, I would find it difficult to travel outside of the state of California with CH. When we go home to my mostly black community in St. Louis or to visit his relatives in Plano, Texas we get a lot of looks, and I imagine we’d get a lot more if we ever tried to hit up Mississippi for my bi-annual family reunion.
But then again, we ourselves stare at other BW-WM couples when we see them from afar and point them out to each other, “Hey, there’s another Loving couple,” or “Oh look, it’s a whole Loving family” — something I’m sure other people in same-race situations might find disconcerting when they’re with us. We also have a special double-squeeze for when another BW-WM couple walks past us on the street. I often wonder if other IR couples do this.
There’s also this weird thing thats happened a few times to us. A black woman has never come up to CH and me and said, “Hey, I have a white husband, too.” And it would never occur to me to do so when I’m out alone and see another BW-WM couple. But white men occasionally tell CH that they have a black wife at home, with me standing right there, which makes me cringe like the guy is talking about owning a Ferrari or something. Once a white meth addict panhandling outside a restaurant we were going into asked us for money, and when CH said “Sorry, no,” he said, “Hey man, I got a black girl, too” as if this commonality would make CH change his mind as opposed to making me feel like a possession.
Back when I refused to date outside of my race, I often thought that the majority of the problems with being in an IR would stem from the relationship itself. In the movies and on TV, they always make it seem like IR couples spend half their time arguing about mighty issues surrounding race. Don’t get me wrong, CH and I do discuss race and our differences, but it’s always a conversation and not an argument.
I’ve been surprised to find the majority of both benign and malignant IR issues crop up outside our relationship. Basically, it’s other people that most often make our relationship “interesting.” We ourselves tend to be just as boring as the next non-IR couple. Go figure.
But maybe other IR couples feel differently. Please weigh in. And before I go, let me just say it’s been a pleasure discussing IR relationships with you this week. Your comments have made me think and laugh, which is a great combination. And this is one topic that I’m glad to have finally tackled. I’m really looking forward to our Bi-Racial children week, so if you’ve enjoyed or related to these articles, please come back on Monday, when I’ll be kicking that topic off and announcing the surprise Minefield topic for the last week of October. Here’s a hint: It starts with an “F”…
I just read this and thought to post it to you since you've been talking about interracial marriage all week. As a (clearly sheltered) NorCal girl, I thought we were past the really ridiculous stuff. And yet here's this guy with a straight face claiming that he tries "to treat everyone equally."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/u…
So far I've been sent this aricle 9x, but you were the second person, so good job. Serioulsy, though, thanks for the heads up. I think we are past this stuff. I think the fact that people are so outraged and that it's so widely reported proves that we are beyond this. This guy is a dinosaur and I don't think he should be taken seriously. What made me really sad is that he had denied other couples licenses and he's just now getting reported.
I just read this and thought to post it to you since you've been talking about interracial marriage all week. As a (clearly sheltered) NorCal girl, I thought we were past the really ridiculous stuff. And yet here's this guy with a straight face claiming that he tries "to treat everyone equally."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091015/ap_on_re_us/u…
So far I've been sent this aricle 9x, but you were the second person, so good job. Serioulsy, though, thanks for the heads up. I think we are past this stuff. I think the fact that people are so outraged and that it's so widely reported proves that we are beyond this. This guy is a dinosaur and I don't think he should be taken seriously. What made me really sad is that he had denied other couples licenses and he's just now getting reported.
Ernessa,
I have been “so loving you” this week. You are cracking me up. We stare/look too when we see what we call “matches.” If they are reversed (WW-BM), then we say “reverse.” My husband is less fazed by it then, me. It’s like when you’re visiting those small towns and the moment you see a black person, just one, you want to chase them down so they’ll hang out w/you while you’re visiting the town. The only thing is that I don’t really worry, when in a small town (we live in one now), about the racist behind the counter, etc. Maybe, I should. I will admit that I was surprised by the acceptance or lack of surprise about us here; also glad. I have no desire to stand out, in any way, in a small town. We are recent transplants from CA to TN. We do get some stares and don’t forget the “I’m not going to look at you” stares from the ones who I sense a little disapproval from regarding our relationship.
Too long again. Continued below…
Ernessa,
I have been “so loving you” this week. You are cracking me up. We stare/look too when we see what we call “matches.” If they are reversed (WW-BM), then we say “reverse.” My husband is less fazed by it then, me. It’s like when you’re visiting those small towns and the moment you see a black person, just one, you want to chase them down so they’ll hang out w/you while you’re visiting the town. The only thing is that I don’t really worry, when in a small town (we live in one now), about the racist behind the counter, etc. Maybe, I should. I will admit that I was surprised by the acceptance or lack of surprise about us here; also glad. I have no desire to stand out, in any way, in a small town. We are recent transplants from CA to TN. We do get some stares and don’t forget the “I’m not going to look at you” stares from the ones who I sense a little disapproval from regarding our relationship.
Too long again. Continued below…
I too have been caught off guard many times w/people either coming up to me like they’re long lost friends because they remember my children or us as a family (w/husband).
Yes, movies/television does give an interesting twist on the subject. If we have conflict in our marriage, it’s never due to racial drama, but rather the same old boring husband/wife drama. Actually, we really don’t have much drama in our marriage. The children take care of that department. My husband and I do enjoy talking about our similarities and differences, but often we find that they’re more personality differences rather than racial.
Still too long. Continued below…
I too have been caught off guard many times w/people either coming up to me like they’re long lost friends because they remember my children or us as a family (w/husband).
Yes, movies/television does give an interesting twist on the subject. If we have conflict in our marriage, it’s never due to racial drama, but rather the same old boring husband/wife drama. Actually, we really don’t have much drama in our marriage. The children take care of that department. My husband and I do enjoy talking about our similarities and differences, but often we find that they’re more personality differences rather than racial.
Still too long. Continued below…
Ernessa,
As a California native, I saw many interracial relationships (BM-WW, WM-AW, WM-anything other than BW) and those combinations were more accepted within the IR community. Now, even though you do see more WM-BW relationships, a few times I experienced, from women of an IR (not WM-BW) couple, a bit of a slight like my relationship was “breaking the law” and they were fine w/what they were doing. If you understand my statement, then please share if you’ve experienced anything similar since being in your relationship. I wouldn’t mind you :) writing another post on this issue.
That hasn't happened to me with IR women in non BW-WM relationships. But I do often feel that WW in WW-BM relationships feel uncomfortable around me. It often gets awkward, and I understand why. I think there might be a double standard on both of our parts. WW feel that BW are mean to them on the street when we see them w/ one of "our" men, and they assume that we all are that way. And BW might actually be guilty of this. I don't have a problem with BM-WW relationships, but I don't squeeze my husband's hand in solidarity when such an IR couple walks past us. Soooo….
Ernessa,
As a California native, I saw many interracial relationships (BM-WW, WM-AW, WM-anything other than BW) and those combinations were more accepted within the IR community. Now, even though you do see more WM-BW relationships, a few times I experienced, from women of an IR (not WM-BW) couple, a bit of a slight like my relationship was “breaking the law” and they were fine w/what they were doing. If you understand my statement, then please share if you’ve experienced anything similar since being in your relationship. I wouldn’t mind you :) writing another post on this issue.
That hasn't happened to me with IR women in non BW-WM relationships. But I do often feel that WW in WW-BM relationships feel uncomfortable around me. It often gets awkward, and I understand why. I think there might be a double standard on both of our parts. WW feel that BW are mean to them on the street when we see them w/ one of "our" men, and they assume that we all are that way. And BW might actually be guilty of this. I don't have a problem with BM-WW relationships, but I don't squeeze my husband's hand in solidarity when such an IR couple walks past us. Soooo….
When we see other BW-WM couple we definately point it out to each other, if we get close enough we say "hi" to the couple, and they say "hi" back.
Yes we are very rare.
I just moved to a new city, and there are soooo many BM-WM couples here. That's really all you see. Rarely you will see one of our matches.
Oh, I never say, "Hi," but now that I hear you do, I think I'm going to go bolder and at least smile.
Oh we live in PA about an hour from Philadelphia, out in the country-LOL
When we see other BW-WM couple we definately point it out to each other, if we get close enough we say "hi" to the couple, and they say "hi" back.
Yes we are very rare.
I just moved to a new city, and there are soooo many BM-WM couples here. That's really all you see. Rarely you will see one of our matches.
Oh, I never say, "Hi," but now that I hear you do, I think I'm going to go bolder and at least smile.
Oh we live in PA about an hour from Philadelphia, out in the country-LOL
As one half of a BW-WM loving couple, I would say that our relationship is about 25%/75% (e.g., 25% of the issues being internal and 75% being external). Sometimes we do have some seriously heated discussions regarding race and I find that they have gotten even more challenging since the birth of our son. But by far, the external challenges have been the worst.
To say that we get stared at is an understatement. Now in all fairness, it does not help that my husband is a 6'3" midwestern looking man and I am a 5'2" east coast girl whose west african ancestry shows in her facial features. Even before the dread-mohawk we drew looks even in crowds. And we have had our share of no service at restaurants, comments from black men, near physical altercations (E, do you remember that club incident in Pittsburgh), etc. Oh and let's not forget when the homeless man in Washington, DC chased us for half a block yelling at my husband to "let go of that black girl's hand!" So yeah, I would say that other people's stuff is where the real drama comes in.
But we went into this marriage eyes wide open, so we just keep on keeping on.
And I must admit that we do our fair share of staring. We always point out other loving couples, particularly when they are BW-WM like us and we melt whenever we see interracial families. I have never ran up on anyone, but I definitely give a smile (and a internal thumbs up).
Was I there for the club incident? I remember when you're car broke down on the way back to college and you, my sister, and I were stuck in the small town with your then-BF and everybody in the restaurant was staring when we walked in and then after telling us they didn't know how long it would take, they managed to fix your car in under an hour and then called the restaurant to tell us to go pick it up even though we hadn't told them where we were going. That was scary.
Oh my God! You don't remember when me, you and Brian went to that crappy dance club on Forbes Avenue in Oakland. We were dancing and these two black guys kept pushing and shoving us. Then they started talking crap and we ended up leaving (before Brian said something and all hell broke loose)!
Oh wow, I must have completely blocked it out. Yes, I remember now. That was awful. But I still say the small town car breakdown was worse.
As one half of a BW-WM loving couple, I would say that our relationship is about 25%/75% (e.g., 25% of the issues being internal and 75% being external). Sometimes we do have some seriously heated discussions regarding race and I find that they have gotten even more challenging since the birth of our son. But by far, the external challenges have been the worst.
To say that we get stared at is an understatement. Now in all fairness, it does not help that my husband is a 6'3" midwestern looking man and I am a 5'2" east coast girl whose west african ancestry shows in her facial features. Even before the dread-mohawk we drew looks even in crowds. And we have had our share of no service at restaurants, comments from black men, near physical altercations (E, do you remember that club incident in Pittsburgh), etc. Oh and let's not forget when the homeless man in Washington, DC chased us for half a block yelling at my husband to "let go of that black girl's hand!" So yeah, I would say that other people's stuff is where the real drama comes in.
But we went into this marriage eyes wide open, so we just keep on keeping on.
And I must admit that we do our fair share of staring. We always point out other loving couples, particularly when they are BW-WM like us and we melt whenever we see interracial families. I have never ran up on anyone, but I definitely give a smile (and a internal thumbs up).
Was I there for the club incident? I remember when you're car broke down on the way back to college and you, my sister, and I were stuck in the small town with your then-BF and everybody in the restaurant was staring when we walked in and then after telling us they didn't know how long it would take, they managed to fix your car in under an hour and then called the restaurant to tell us to go pick it up even though we hadn't told them where we were going. That was scary.
Oh my God! You don't remember when me, you and Brian went to that crappy dance club on Forbes Avenue in Oakland. We were dancing and these two black guys kept pushing and shoving us. Then they started talking crap and we ended up leaving (before Brian said something and all hell broke loose)!
Oh wow, I must have completely blocked it out. Yes, I remember now. That was awful. But I still say the small town car breakdown was worse.