Dear Thursday: Raising Confident Kids
So the 3rd thing on the list of things that have been keeping me up at night re: my upcoming motherhood: how do you raise a confident kid, when you yourself aren’t as confident as you wish you were?
The Killdeer. One of nature's most well-known worriers.
If you’re a regular reader, you’ve probably already guessed by now that I’m a bit of a neurotic mess. I second-guess myself, it takes me a long time to make a simple decision — to the point that I often just ask other people to make them for me, I tend to need reassurance, I’m so self-conscious that I have a hard time talking on the phone — even to friends. I worry about anything and everything, and sometimes I feel like I’m just full of fear .
A lot of this has to do with the self-awareness is takes to be a (hopefully good) writer. Though, I should note I’m a lot more confident about writing than I am about most things.
A little of this has to do with being rather unpopular when I was growing up — though I’ve always excelled at just being myself, I’m still surprised that many of the adults I like like me back. And of course, I also have to assign some blame to my mother dying unexpectedly when I was 19. It’s funny, b/c you never know how a loved one’s death will affect you, but hers humbled me greatly. There’s nothing wrong with humble, but I do find myself missing my old obnoxious confidence.
My family teases me a lot about being such a monstrously arrogant child, but often I find myself wishing that I had half the confidence that I did before I turned 20. I wasn’t the nicest person in the world, but I didn’t have to deal with constant anxiety, which gets really old, really quick.
Strangely enough, the older I get, the more I remind myself of my mother.
As I hope you don’t know yet, people usually come up to you at funerals and tell you what they liked or admired most about your dead parent. I was very, very surprised that almost everyone said that my mother was intelligent. A lot of people described her as one of the smartest people they knew.
I’d always thought my mother was nice and I could tell she thought hard about how to be a good mother and even read books about it — which not every mother did back in the day. She spoke proper English like me, and was really stern about me not cursing or using bad grammar, even when I pointed out that speaking like I did made me sound like a freak at my mostly-black school. I also knew that she was the only black woman in her accounting department for quite a while and that it had taken her a long time to get through college, b/c she had changed her major a few times, but it never occurred to me that she was particularly smart.
Mainly because she worried about everything. A lot. Also, she took a lot of really poor treatment from my father. And she didn’t have any friends outside of her large family. She was maybe the least confident woman I knew when it came to her own life and I just hadn’t made the connection that she had brains, while she was second-guessing and underestimating herself at every turn.
My many aunts and uncles all kind of did double-takes when I was in St. Louis two weeks ago. They hadn’t seen me since I had cut off my dreadlocks or gained my baby weight or started wearing glasses again, b/c my eyes had dried out too much to wear contacts — yet another pregnancy symptom. “You know, you look just like your mama now,” they said.
I know I do. I see her in the mirror all the time now. Which is actually nicer than you think it’d be. The one upside of having a dead mother: You don’t mind turning into her when you get older. And I understand why she let me talk back to her and say awful, arrogant things to other people. She would rather I’d been overly confident, than under confident and liked by everyone. She really wanted me not to inherit that aspect of her personality — but I did.
I fight hard against the inherited fear. If something scares me, I try to do it anyway. I try to solve the things that are really bothering me before they get out of control and paralyze me. And if I’m afraid that something I said was less than humble or obnoxious, I force myself not to apologize for it. Funnily enough, I have never lost a friend out of perceived arrogance or obnoxiousness — in fact, some of my favorite people are either a) arrogant or b) obnoxious. Sometimes both.
But given that I’m doing a series about the Things That Have Been Keeping Me Up at Night this week, I obviously haven’t beaten my tendency to worry about everything. It’s very frustrating. And I wonder how to teach my future children how to not worry about what others think of them, how to live their lives confidentally and without fear, how to make decisions and believe that they will be able to deal well with any consequence of those decisions.
In other words, I don’t want Betty to be like me. Or her grandmother, who she is named after. Like my own mother, if I had to choose, I’d rather she be confident than humble — I don’t really see much point in pursuing humility, especially with girls, since society tries to humble us in so many ways anyway.
But how to instill something in Betty that I don’t have myself? That is the question. Suggestions welcome.
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First of all, I love this series of posts. I get choked up every time I read one b/c I understand your concerns, but also because I hate that you are going through this level of worry/doubt/fear. I know its to be expected, but you just never want your friends to feel any pain no matter how normal it may be.
Secondly, I think the only way for Betty to grow up a confident child is for you to NEVER let her read this or see you doubt your own self worth. You may feel it everyday or every once in awhile, as we all feel it, but if a child knows that you feel fear regularly or doubt your worth, then they will begin to question their own. I mean, if mommy wonders why people love her at all, then why wouldn't she do same? Or, if you even just second-guess yourself too many times, maybe she'll mimic that behavior too throughout life. I say you should just try to fake it for her sake and then after years of false confidence, you'll start to believe it yourself and one day maybe you'll even see what everyone around you sees. And as a side note, I think a good mix of confidence and humility would be better than one or other…:-)
Actually I think it would be better for Betty's confidence if Ernessa generally acts with confidence but also explains that everyone has doubts and fears. Especially if you can give the impression that you overcame the fears through will. For example, "I used to be afraid of shots too, but then one day I figured out that being scared didn't make them hurt less or go any faster." (Leaving out the part about how you had to give yourself dozens of shots to bring her into the world.)
Kids who think their parents are invincible are always disappointed someday. Kids who understand that everyone has vulnerabilities gain a more realistic view of the world.
First of all, I love this series of posts. I get choked up every time I read one b/c I understand your concerns, but also because I hate that you are going through this level of worry/doubt/fear. I know its to be expected, but you just never want your friends to feel any pain no matter how normal it may be.
Secondly, I think the only way for Betty to grow up a confident child is for you to NEVER let her read this or see you doubt your own self worth. You may feel it everyday or every once in awhile, as we all feel it, but if a child knows that you feel fear regularly or doubt your worth, then they will begin to question their own. I mean, if mommy wonders why people love her at all, then why wouldn't she do same? Or, if you even just second-guess yourself too many times, maybe she'll mimic that behavior too throughout life. I say you should just try to fake it for her sake and then after years of false confidence, you'll start to believe it yourself and one day maybe you'll even see what everyone around you sees. And as a side note, I think a good mix of confidence and humility would be better than one or other…:-)
Actually I think it would be better for Betty's confidence if Ernessa generally acts with confidence but also explains that everyone has doubts and fears. Especially if you can give the impression that you overcame the fears through will. For example, "I used to be afraid of shots too, but then one day I figured out that being scared didn't make them hurt less or go any faster." (Leaving out the part about how you had to give yourself dozens of shots to bring her into the world.)
Kids who think their parents are invincible are always disappointed someday. Kids who understand that everyone has vulnerabilities gain a more realistic view of the world.
OMG I know how you feel about the fear thing. I always say I never worry because my mother does enough for both of us. A few years ago, I just started throwing caution to the wind, taking more risks than ever. Now, I rarely worry about anything. That's probably a little stupid of me, but I'm cautious, but worry, it can drive me bonkers.
As long as it's not all-consuming of your daily life, some concern is healthy. As Delia points out, a good mix would be better than one extreme….
OMG I know how you feel about the fear thing. I always say I never worry because my mother does enough for both of us. A few years ago, I just started throwing caution to the wind, taking more risks than ever. Now, I rarely worry about anything. That's probably a little stupid of me, but I'm cautious, but worry, it can drive me bonkers.
As long as it's not all-consuming of your daily life, some concern is healthy. As Delia points out, a good mix would be better than one extreme….
oh ernessa… i agree with delia that it's hard to see you worry so much, but at the same time it's interesting to see the thought you're putting into this.
i'd just like to say that i personally know kids who are TOO confident for their britches — they're given everything they want and (my pet peeve) told they're perfect at everything when they're not. that just seems like a recipe for raising the brats oompa loompas sing about. i plan on being honest and realistic with my kid and loving them for who they are and for doing what makes them happy.
but i wasn't a confident kid, and i'm still not a confident kid, so take that with a grain of veruca salt.
and yes, as delia said, being confident yourself will give Betty something to mimic. in general, that's the kind of security that makes for a happy childhood. as the child psychs say, it's ALL about security.
oh ernessa… i agree with delia that it's hard to see you worry so much, but at the same time it's interesting to see the thought you're putting into this.
i'd just like to say that i personally know kids who are TOO confident for their britches — they're given everything they want and (my pet peeve) told they're perfect at everything when they're not. that just seems like a recipe for raising the brats oompa loompas sing about. i plan on being honest and realistic with my kid and loving them for who they are and for doing what makes them happy.
but i wasn't a confident kid, and i'm still not a confident kid, so take that with a grain of veruca salt.
and yes, as delia said, being confident yourself will give Betty something to mimic. in general, that's the kind of security that makes for a happy childhood. as the child psychs say, it's ALL about security.
Regarding fear and confidence, I don't think confident people don't feel fear; I think confident people don't let fear stop them.
I also think that one way to teach a kid to be confident, and to walk with their fear instead of trying not to feel it, is to be fully who you are and accept fully who you are. If you worry and are afraid and she sees you face your fear, she will learn courage. How you live your life will teach her.
Which leads to other things your mother and father both taught you that I don't think were inherited. There's a contradiction in your mother's allowing you to be so outspoken and brashly confident and her accepting bad treatment from your father, so you didn't just learn confidence from her and you didn't just genetically inherit her fear. It's all mixed up together, nature and nurture. If you were fearless as a kid and later turned to fearful, it may have less to do with genetics and more to do with learned behavior (just because I think kids are closer to their nature than adults who learn to clothe it and camoflage it).
And if you were fearless as a kid, you still have that fearless kid inside you — so when you need to, call on her and let her speak for you. Let her play with Betty and teach Betty some brash confidence. I think you'll be great.
I LOVE THIS!!!
"I don't think confident people don't feel fear; I think confident people don't let fear stop them. "
Regarding fear and confidence, I don't think confident people don't feel fear; I think confident people don't let fear stop them.
I also think that one way to teach a kid to be confident, and to walk with their fear instead of trying not to feel it, is to be fully who you are and accept fully who you are. If you worry and are afraid and she sees you face your fear, she will learn courage. How you live your life will teach her.
Which leads to other things your mother and father both taught you that I don't think were inherited. There's a contradiction in your mother's allowing you to be so outspoken and brashly confident and her accepting bad treatment from your father, so you didn't just learn confidence from her and you didn't just genetically inherit her fear. It's all mixed up together, nature and nurture. If you were fearless as a kid and later turned to fearful, it may have less to do with genetics and more to do with learned behavior (just because I think kids are closer to their nature than adults who learn to clothe it and camoflage it).
And if you were fearless as a kid, you still have that fearless kid inside you — so when you need to, call on her and let her speak for you. Let her play with Betty and teach Betty some brash confidence. I think you'll be great.
I LOVE THIS!!!
"I don't think confident people don't feel fear; I think confident people don't let fear stop them. "
yeah, it's like rocky says: it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
yeah, it's like rocky says: it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
I was a wonderfully confident kid, and have continued in that vein since then though I lost the cockiness.
The message I always got was, "You are better than they are, but don't let them know that."
On a separate note, parents can be worriers and still raise confident kids. But if you want to overcome the worry for your own sake, there are ways to address that.
I was a wonderfully confident kid, and have continued in that vein since then though I lost the cockiness.
The message I always got was, "You are better than they are, but don't let them know that."
On a separate note, parents can be worriers and still raise confident kids. But if you want to overcome the worry for your own sake, there are ways to address that.