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Elderly Woman With Revoked Drivers License Backs Into Unicyclist; License Reinstated

Santa Monica, CA – Thursday
By Joshua Mauldin

74-year-old Imelda Kershaw’s drivers license was revoked earlier this year after she failed to pass an eye exam. That didn’t stop her from driving however, and yesterday afternoon, she accidentally backed into a unicyclist in the parking lot of a Ralph’s grocery store.

The unicyclist, who’s legal name is Mister Belvedere, suffered a broken arm and a sprained ankle when he was thrown to the ground by the careening automobile.

“I’ve seen that idiot riding that stupid thing around town for a while,” remarked a witness to the event. “It’s about time someone ran that obnoxious twerp over.”

Officers responding to the scene were quick to commend Ms. Kershaw for her public service. “She’s a hero in my book,” said Officer Max Langfield. “That kind of behavior might fly in Silver Lake, but in Santa Monica, we don’t tolerate that shit.”

Ms. Kershaw’s drivers license was immediately reinstated and the official report blames Mister Belvedere for cycling recklessly into the back of her car.

When asked how such an abuse of power can be justified, Officer Langfield rolled his eyes. “My only regret is she didn’t knock that jackass moustache off his ugly face.”

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