Til then, here’s a big batch of procrastination to get you through the work day.

1. What’s up with young folks these days??? As it turns out, not too much. According to one study, today’s teen’s are way more upstanding than their parents were at the same age. Take that, old man! And thanks to the Anonymous Smithie for the link. [NYT]

Amy Robinson and I have been going back and forth re this breading cats meme. She thinks it's "so wrong." I'll admit to snorting the first time I saw it. What say you?

2. This “Hierarchy of Publishing” List will either make you laugh or cry. In any case, thanks to Gudrun Cram-Drach from “Secret Life of an Expat” for sending it along. I’m going to go somewhere dark and curl up into a fetal ball now.  [On Public Relations]

3. A bunch of authors (including moi) are weighing on the best writing advice we ever got. [Girlfriends Book Club]

4. Former FaN blogger, Kelli Bielema, has a post up at her party-planning blog about how to make your Super Bowl party pop. I especially love the referee whistle cupcakes. [The Shindiggery]

5. LeVar Burton himself is now in charge of the @ReadingRainbow handle. It’s actually a pretty heartwarming story about how he achieved this feat: He simply asked the person that owned it nicely if he could have it, and the person gave it to him because he’s frickin’ LeVar Burton. Nerds really are the best — especially the ones that read. [The GalleyCat]

6. 10 pro-Planned Parenthood companies you can support if you’re pissed off about the Susan G. Komen defunding. Biggest surprise: Darden Restaurants, which owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Mmm, cheesy biscuits! [xoJane]

7. I’m saving this in-depth RuPaul profile for when I’m in a bad mood and need a pick me up. But you should totally feel free to read it now. [The Daily] 

8. Fascinating post on three pieces of technology we’ve lost: Greek Fire, Damascus Steel, and the Apollo missions schematics. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and do a computer back up right quick. [i09]

9. MARIAN KEYES IS BACK!!!! And if her first post in two years is any indication, just as funny as ever. Can’t wait for the next book. This seriously made my entire week. — Oh, and I’m also really proud of her for overcoming her crippling depression. [Marian Keyes]

10. And last but not least, the latest GAME OF THRONES trailer. Seriously, why can’t it be April NOW???? Also, I don’t think I’ve even cheered so hard for the death of a minor. Die, Joffrey, die!!!

Oh, and here’s the much less interesting Madonna football-themed music video, featuring MIA and Nicki Minaj (who I’m assuming did it for the nostalgic love of 80s/90s Madonna)

 

mood pic photo credit: danielmoyle

In 1993, AT&T began an advertising campaign showcasing all the future technologies that would soon be in everyone’s home that the phone company was working on.  AT&T was positioning itself as being cutting edge and state of the art as the telecommunications war was getting fiercer.  At the time, smaller phone companies were getting swallowed up and the first discount long distance carriers were coming online.

AT&T wanted to make sure everyone knew they were the king of telecommunications and with this commercial campaign, gave us all a glimpse of the not so distant future…

The first commercial in the campaign correctly predicted three common items:

Downloadable books – When I was in high school at the time, we had a program called Access Pennsylvania.  With a special CD-ROM, you would search for the title of any book, magazine, or video in the cooperating districts.  You would then send a fax request and the library would overnight it.  We thought that was high tech!  Now, you can have a book downloaded electronically over the internet and read it on the train ride to work.  I see dozens of passengers on the subway reading their Kindles and smart phones.

GPS – This one, they got dead on.  Thank goodness they never included all those extra dashboard buttons and are now incorporated into a touch screen!  GPS is already being phased out thanks to directions on mobile phones.

Mobile Messaging – And speaking of mobile phones, we certainly can send a fax from the beach thanks to our IPhone and Android devices.  You just have to be in an area with cell phone or Wi-Fi.  If you’re marooned in the middle of the Pacific, this might not happen so easily!  Most likely, though you would send just a simple text message, faxes are becoming as obsolete as the Palm Pilot is now, which I think is the item they were predicting for this part.

Voice recognition – Modern day voice access is still improving and while most people don’t use it to open their front doors, it is possible.  I can speak to my Android phone and have it search or call who I want.  The IPhone4 has certainly taken this to a new direction with Siri.  Siri read everything from your text messages, to your calendar, to the weather!  Lt. Commander Data from Star Trek: TNG can’t be far behind!

Online medical history – Your medical files can certainly be encoded onto a card, or even most likely, just faxed or emailed to your doctor.  I had that done when I moved to New York and needed my important ophthalmologist information.  While the commercial envisioned a giant touch screen, my doctor points and clicks a mouse.  It is cool that he can bring up my records in different rooms as I go about his office for various, expensive tests.  Now, can we just find a high tech way to lower medical costs?

Skype – The last scene speaks for itself.  Video conferencing is definitely here and thanks to Skype, all you need is a webcam or even just a smart phone and you can pretty much talk to anyone – anywhere!

We’re now 6 for 6!  Let’s look at some more!

On-Demand – Look at that, they perfectly nailed On-Demand television!  Just press the on-demand button on your remote and basically watch what you want.  Or, maybe that family subscribes to Netflix and is downloading a movie right to their TV?  I do both of these all the time!  At least there’s a good bit of free content out there!

Long distance learning – Another example of videoconferencing, in this case with students learning jazz.  It looked like that might have been a sneak peak at the upcoming Windows keyboard that Microsoft had sold.  Remember the one that was split with two separate rows for the right and left hands?  It didn’t really catch on.  But, satellite schools like these are possible today and in some hospitals, complex medical procedures can be done this way.

Videophone – Sadly, you failed to catch on.  The cellular phone pretty much destroyed any chance of the video phone booth from happening.  While, we do have webcams and Skype that can show video of the caller, most people aren’t going to do that out in the open.  Plus, when is the last time you’ve seen a real phone booth?  While there were many experiments to introduce the video phone to the public, there is simply no need and this technology is stuck in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey.  And don’t act like you wouldn’t spy on someone making a video call out in the open like that?  Ugh, and I don’t welcome the thought of seeing someone doing this with a 1-900 line!

Videoconferencing – Another example of how videoconferencing can be used in a classroom.  This is certainly a reality around the world.

Skype and foreign language translation – There’s another glimpse of the hoped for video phone again.  But, today this is currently done on a desktop computer, and while language conversion software is available, it is more widely used in text form.  It is fairly easy however, to translate foreign web pages to English just down downloading a browser plug in or buying the software.

Mobile apps – There’s an app for that and in this case, a security system for the home.  While you would have to pay a monthly fee for this – it is certainly a reality.  Mobile phone apps can even record your favorite TV shows, turn on the lights, and even retrieve your grocery list from the fridge!

The next set of ads, while still amazing accurate and technically possible – won’t all become a reality.

Driver’s license at the ATM – The ATM/driver’s license machine would be great to avoid the lines at the DMV, but Homeland Security will never let this happen.  While you can use kiosks for all kinds of services, a new ID phone won’t be one of them anytime soon.

Off site service and repair – Another example of video conferencing.  I also noticed how the camera was in the long cable the mechanic was holding.  While not really in the home, there are all kinds of tiny cameras on the market.  Just check out your next local news’ undercover investigation!

Virtual Assistant – While there are software programs that can do all of the things the woman asked, it is not as cut and dry as the commercial and not really in home use.  With the right software program, this is possible, as Siri for IPhone is another example. Although the virtual dog was pretty cool!

EZ-Pass – Look, they correctly predicted EZ-Pass!  I’m they dropped having to swipe a credit card each time, especially with the new high speed EZ-Pass lanes as predicted here.  Although, non-EZ-Pass users still like to get in the wrong lane…

Ticket kiosk – You sure can purchase concert tickets from an ATM like machine.  Ticketmaster has those kiosks all over and some casinos will allow you to print out tickets or at least a voucher at their machines.

Video payphone – And, there’s that video phone again…it made it into a second commercial.

The AT&T logo on a building in Wayne, Pennsylvania

AT&T started as the American Telephone and Telegraph company on March 3, 1885.  The original goal was to provide long distance telecommunications and was born from the original Bell Telephone Company created by Alexander Graham Bell.

Early long distance messages were sent by tapping a single key, that would send your brief message as clicks along the telegraph line.  As technology increased, so did AT&T.

The first national long distance calls were available 1915 and transcontinental calls followed in 1927 by using two way radio.

The company was often called a monopoly had was forced to break up several times into smaller units.  Through regulation and negotiation, AT&T would branch out into all aspects of global communication from cell phone service to cable television.

AT&T was most recently acquired by SBG Communications in 2005.

AT&T has managed to stay at the front of the telecommunications race, but they continue to get squeezed by the competition.  They recently lost their monopoly on the IPhone as subscribers defected to Verizon, which customers claim has a better wireless service network and less dropped calls.

It would be interesting to see AT&T create a new version of these ads today that could look at the next few decades of products.  Some biblical scholars and tech experts believe that we will all have barcodes tattooed on our skin that will record everything about us would only require a simple scan.  This technology is already present for your pets.  The Bible calls this “the mark of the beast” and is a sign of Revelation – that the world will be coming to an end.

THE 411

What: AT&T “You will” futuristic advertising campaign

When: 1993, 1994

JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS:  Absolutely shocking and accurate to see.  Choosing Tom Selleck for the voice over was the perfect tough to drive this campaign home.  He’s a well known actor and an unmistakable voice.

I remember watching these when they first aired and was amazed to know that someday I would get to use all these products.  Well, the future is now!

It’s great to see how technology has truly made our lives easier.  Even to the point that I can sit in my living room and watch Letterman as I type this blogumn, make a few mouse clicks, and it’s beamed right to your desktop or mobile device.  Years ago, this might have appeared after I submitted it to a newspaper or a photocopied niche newsletter!

If this is what’s happened in the last two decades – I truly can’t wait to see what‘s to come in the next two decades ahead!

Image credits – Barbara.Doduk, (M)factr, Alan Light

Fiercely Anticipating – God Bless America

Bobcat Goldthwait’s widely ignored gem, World’s Greatest Dad, was a scalpel-precise dissection of postmortem celebrity. Robin Williams plays a struggling English teacher who, after discovering the accidental auto-erotic suffocation of his misanthropic son, authors a bogus diary in his progeny’s name. Believing the pseudepigripha to be genuine, the school (and subsequently the media) turns him into a martyred prophet. Students who didn’t know his name are now wearing shirts with his picture on it – quoting his diary like scripture. As the meme spreads out of control, Williams has to decide whether to keep feeding the lie or admit the falsehood and destroy his newly attained writing career. Poignant, ironic and hilarious, World’s Greatest Dad was probably the best comedy, as well as one of the best films of 2009. That Old Dogs, another Robin Williams’ starring vehicle from that year, out-grossed it $96M to $221K (or 436 to 1 according to Boxofficemojo) while posting an abysmal Tomatometer rating of 5% to WGD’s 89% is, as *Ghandi so succinctly put it, “A Goddamn, motherfucking shame.” Viewing the trailer for his new endeavor, I can’t help but think this disparity wasn’t lost on Goldthwait.

Enlisting the acting services of Bill Murray’s second most famous brother, God Bless America follows Frank, an ordinary schlub with a malignant growth, a loaded .45 and an intense disdain for the spiraling standards of the culture around him. Equal parts Falling Down, Idiocracy and Natural Born Killers, this looks like a cathartic release for anyone with an agitated disposition toward the distraction mentality surrounding us. That is not to say that simply unloading a few clips in Kim Kardashian’s direction is in and of itself worthy of praise (Seltzer & Friedberg have been doing this lazy routine for a decade), just that given his track record, I have faith that Goldthwait will find a satisfying context for such mayhem.

Speaking of faith: For the hell of it, here’s his brass balls 1994 performance on Comic Relief as The Amazing Christo – a magician from Bethlehem, PA:

Kinda Wanna See – **The Super Bowl The Big Game

Hey Tebow, Jesus gave me three Super Bowl rings, a super model wife and the flowing locks of Samson, maybe you're not praying hard enough.

I’m an out-of-the-closet Seattle Seahawks fan so, outside of one bitter winter afternoon in 2006, week 22 of the NFL season has nothing to do with me. And really, anyone not residing in Boston or New York (or Los Angeles where half the former population of both states live) care about whether or not Tom Brady once again proves he’s better than you in every way. No, this February 5th is all about reaffirming the pigskin classic as the defining moment of our cultural zeitgeist. I submit that, although this weekend’s bread in the Madonna sandwich isn’t an official holiday, it sure as hell should be. Let’s take a look at the authorized, so-called national holidays and see how they stack up:

New Year’s Eve/Day – December 31st has the reckless drinking covered but what about the reckless gambling? You can bet on everything from the coin toss to the color of the Gatorade this Sunday, what comes after 11:59:59 is hardly in dispute. Other than which resolution you’ll break first or who’s paying for the morning after pill, there really isn’t much to wager on. WINNER – The Big Game.

Martin Luther King’s Birthday – How many African Americans in congress? How many African Americans on the Giants/Patriots? WINNER – White America (trick question).

Presidents Day – Are you the president? WINNER – The President.

Easter – Being plastered before kick-off is fine. Being plastered while hiding eggs in the morning means you, a wicked hangover and disgruntled children searching the backyard all afternoon for Grade A prizes you hid in your neighbor’s yard. WINNER – Your Neighbor.

Memorial Day – Ugh. This is the day my grandfather wears that stupid hat with the stars on it. He looks like such a weirdo. Embaaaaaaaarrassing. Whatever that day is for I get to sleep in so…WINNER – Me.

Independence Day – July 4th, 1776 was the day an infant nation declared independence from an imperialist overlord. July 4th 2012 is the day we will celebrate being an imperialist overlord. WINNER – Historical Irony.

Labor Day – WINNER – China.

Veteran’s Day – See Memorial Day + more hats. Really grandpa, you look silly. Knock it off.

Thanksgiving – Long before Vince Lombardi was a spasm in his father’s junk, the Puritans and the Native Americans put aside their petty differences to slaughter a turkey and watch Detroit play football on television. They lived happily ever after. WINNER – Whoever Plays the Lions.

Christmas – Oh boy, this is close. Gathering of friends and family? Check. Drinking? Depending on which family gathers – Check. Grating songs you’ve heard a hundred times? Check. Commercialism out the wazoo? Double Check. Straight up it’s a push but unfortunately Christmas is disqualified on constitutional grounds. It seems the Establishment Clause clearly states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion” and December 25th is the birth date of the Persian God Mithra. Exalting the birth of a religious icon to the level of federal observance is unfair to the millions of non-Mithraists in this country. Nice try Christmas. WINNER – Freedom.

But what are the chances of that?

Tallying up the points I see that The Big Game is the winner with a decisive score of 1 to 0 (margin of error +/- 9). Judging by soccer standards this is a crushing defeat for any non-NFL related holiday. In fact, the only way these results aren’t definitive is if you could find a better representation for America than two diametrically opposed combatants sponsored by the same corporation, fighting over arbitrary rules to complete an ultimately pointless task?

Wouldn’t Go If You Paid Me – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Remake

I was watching We Need To Talk About Kevin (go see it now) and I realized just how prevalent product integration is in cinema today. Two cans of soda are pulled from a refrigerator and I didn’t recognize the label. What the hell? An actress was holding a can of generic root beer. Not A&W or Barq’s but plain old root beer. Product placement has become so ubiquitous that when I’m not being sold something I do a double take. What does that have to do with a Honda commercial starring Matthew Broderick kinda, sorta reprising his iconic role from the 80′s? It occurred to me that this highly anticipated ***Super Bowl Big Game spot might as well be the trailer for a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off remake.

Honda’s multi-million dollar snooze has all the ingredients of a modern comedy. It panders cynically to our collective memory, delivers no laughs, includes context-free quips about how cool a product is and comes complete with close ups of the logo. Throw in a trip to Wendy’s to cure a particularly gnarly craving for a Frosty and you’ve got a Happy Madison “comedy” right there. I know this is a commercial, and as such, was produced with the sole intention of selling SUV’s but we’re getting closer and closer to the point where the distinction between advertisement and film is almost non-existent. Are we not? Is the glue I’m sniffing too potent? I hear Crayola provides a smooth high with minimal delusional side effects.

The Ferrari featured in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is product placement for sure, but unless you were an executive with a minimal member and a mid-life crisis, you couldn’t afford it. More than that though, it served a narrative purpose. Cameron’s father’s Ferrari was the physical representation of his disconnect with his son. In the end, when Cameron destroys it, he’s effectively destroying the distance between them. The Ferrari 250 was necessary. Modern movies, in an effort to integrate as many products as possible, have seemingly lost the ability to advertise and tell a story. The ending of the remake would go something like this:

INT. GARAGE – DAY
Cameron rears his leg back, ready to strike the hood.

CAMERON’S FATHER
Cam?
Cameron turns to the garage door. Cameron’s Father, the spitting image of Cameron in twenty-five years, nervously fiddles with the bill of his Ferrari baseball cap.

CAMERON
Dad? I…I…

CAMERON’S FATHER
…it’s okay, son. I just wanted to say I realize I’ve
put this car before you. In my defense, can you
blame me? Zero to sixty in two point three seconds,
purrs like a tiger. And the pussy I get. Never the less,
it’s wrong. I’m sorry.

CAMERON
You mean it?

CAMERON’S FATHER
Why don’t you and I go for a spin? Together.

CAMERON
I’d love that. Can we go by Wendy’s on the way,
I need a Frosty stat.

*Source unavailable.
**Sorry NFL lawyers, it won’t happen again.
***Fuck, I’m getting sued.

featured image credit: 8 Eyes Photography

On day one he didn’t see it coming. We’d visited the school a few times and every time we did he managed to find something to play with. He was happy to be there. New toys. New kids. New people. I’m pretty sure he just thought this was another outing we were taking together. I said goodbye, told him I would pick him up later, and left. It was hard not to look back, but when I left him he was more interested in Legos than anything else. I have no idea when it occurred to him that I wasn’t coming back, but at some point on that first day he got sad. When I picked him up he was so relieved to see me that he attempted to run up a small set of stairs two at a time. His little legs couldn’t quite keep up, and he crawled the last couple of steps until I picked him up. He was ready to go home and never come back.

On day four he slept through nap/quiet time. This was a good sign. He’d adjusted to his new surroundings and felt relaxed enough in his new routine to sleep. His teacher even said that he took his little socks off and nicely put them next to his cot. He participated fully in the day’s activities including the creation of some sweet refrigerator art involving the letters Q and R and the number 7. He still didn’t want to be dropped off and he still loved to be picked up, but maybe preschool wasn’t so bad after all.

My son’s temperature hit 101.4 on the first Sunday after that first week of preschool. My wife was out of town and I woke up almost every hour on the hour to check on him. 101.4 is not an alarming number, but it is only the second fever he’s run in his limited existence on this planet. His doctor affectionately referred to preschool as a “community of diseases” and told us to expect him to get sick 6 times in the first 3 months, 9 times in the first 6 months and 12 times in the first year of school. It doesn’t matter if that first year of school is preschool or kindergarten. As soon as we release our children into the wild we can expect them to return home covered in germs. He also said that if kids didn’t go to school with runny noses there would be no schools. If there were no schools, then I wouldn’t also be sick while I write this.

He’s been in school for three weeks now. Even though he was sick the second week, his fever was gone in a day and he wasn’t communicable after Martin Luther King day so we let him tough it out. It seems to have worked. He still doesn’t like being dropped off and he loves being picked up, but he knows his teachers and he likes them. Even when he cries in the morning he reaches for them with the knowledge that he is in fact going to school that day. He’s doing well during the day and his language skills have exploded. New words and phrases pop up every day. He knows a good chunk of the alphabet. Since he’s only two he’s the youngest in his class and doesn’t really acknowledge the existence of other kids, but they know him and they say “Hi, Grady” in the morning and “Bye, Grady” when he leaves at night. It’s only a matter of time before he has a little friend. He blows kisses to his teachers.

I remember thinking as I neared my High School graduation that I would never again have to deal with back-to-school sales, school supplies, textbooks, new back packs, school clothes and the like — that I would somehow be free of this yearly event for the rest of my life. When I think about dropping my kid off at preschool now, it occurs to me that he will be in school five days a week for most of the year for quite possibly the next twenty plus years of his life, which means I will be dealing with back-to-school sales, school supplies, textbooks, new back packs, old back packs, parent/teacher conferences, report cards, school clothes, gym clothes, school holidays, pick ups, drop offs, bag lunches, hot lunches, open lunches, bullies, teachers, principals, reading lists, camps, after school activities, testing, placement, teams, clubs, musical instruments, art, and more for the next twenty plus years of my life. And I can’t wait.

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In Bayou Billionaires we meet the Dowdens of Shreveport, Louisiana. They are a hardworking family of modest means who recently discovered that their home sits on the fourth largest deposit of natural gas in the United States, and the “mailbox money” checks keep rolling in to prove it! If you have ever wondered what a real life Beverly Hillbillies would look like, the Dowdens are as close as you could get. With all their children and a very horny grandfather living with them on their compound, you can see they like to keep their family close. All around them are modest homes and belongings, sprinkled with the occasional pool, jet-ski and other nouveaux riche items. They are simple folks that happened into some big dumb luck and even though the redneck aspect is hilarious to watch and laugh at, they seem to be some genuinely nice people.

Here is the trailer for Bayou Billionaires on CMT:

The children in this show are what I found fascinating. Parents Kitty and Gerald, have one daughter Chantel who seems like a brain dead shopaholic with her burnout crusty boyfriend Albert hanging on, they also have son Gerald Jr. who seems to try too hard to maintain his position as top dog in the family, and their other son Thomas who my gaydar picks as a potential friend of Dorothy. Thomas enjoys wrestling his man-ish wife Mallory to solve arguments, when he is not busy being momma’s boy or trying so hard to show up his older brother in some ridiculous show of machismo. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. All in all the show is strangely enjoyable to watch as we see this smiley family spend away their “mailbox money” and experience their newfound good life. You can’t help but feel these people are way more deserving of their fortune than any of those orange skinned OC housewives.

Paired with the show Bayou Billionaires I also discovered CMT’s newest offering My Big Redneck Vacation. CMT has taken 4 families out of rural Louisiana and put them up for an all expenses paid vacation in a 4 million dollar home in the Hamptons. This show is bizarre and if it didn’t have little asides from Tom Arnold inserted every five seconds it might be much more watchable. Regardless, check out the trailer for My Big Redneck Vacation on CMT:

In the most recent episode one couple has decided to throw their wedding at the house and has hired a gay wedding planner couple to help them, homophobia and hilarity ensue. Not sure I can sit through many more episodes of this show but who knows, maybe for the cameras everyone learns to be one big happy family in the end. If the trailers alone for these two new redneck fun-fests aren’t enough for you I have found you the best little video I could nab off the interwebs. I give you the Redneck Fail Compilation… you must see some of these to believe them! Happy trashy TV watching everybody!

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As mentioned two weeks ago in Part One, I was in favor of staying in, but it came down to this: 2 couples wanted to go out, 2 couples voted for staying in.

Alright, I thought. Forget my cozy New Year’s Eve idea; away with the Cranium, Scattergories and Taboo. Put away the Wii. Maybe those in favor of going out had a point. After all, there are only a couple of years left where a carefree night on the town is even a viable option before the whole evening holiday devolves into a night of Pampers, pizza delivery and a completely different version of a midnight toast – one that involves an infant’s latched firmly onto my nipple.

Heck, it’s already starting – one of the couples staying with us was in early pregnancy, due in April. And, really – how much longer would any of us even have the slightest desire to live it up on New Year’s? Time, I realized, was short. The dropping of the ball marked one me one full year closer to parenthood or death. We’d better, the hell, go out! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!

Thanks to my clinical OCD, I expertly began obsessing for perfect New Year’s Eve venue/party on mind-numbing sites like Go Los Angeles, Digital City, Club Zone, and the L.A. Times “best NYE events Los Angeles” section. There were a dizzying array of interesting-sounding options: Maxim hosts a NYE bash at Graumann’s Chinese Theatre! Cleopatra’s Ball held at The Egyptian! The “W” is proud to host the hottest NYE party in L.A.!

Press releases promised things like:

-“A Giant LED light show that will dazzle 21century Hieroglyphics animations all night! (read: migraines!)

-”We recommend early arrival and “bottle service to make this party a memorable occasion. (read: debt!)

-State-of-the-art dance floors (read: lower back pain!) and DJ spinning the mash-ups until 2 am (read: possible hearing damage!)

As death-defying and appealing as this option sounded, the clencher for abandonment was the small type at the bottom of the press release: “$3,000 minimum, includes 8 General Admittance entries.”

So, with apologies to the Entourage-seekers, the club scene was out. With that realization came the acceptance that an evening like that is impossible to accomplish unless you a) have your own reality show b) are a trust fund baby c) wish to max out your (or, better yet- someone else’s) Master Card.

Besides, club parties always sound so much better than they are.

Case in point: Two years ago I went with my husband and another couple to New Year’s Eve at a club called “Wonderland,” which promised cool “Alice in Wonderland themed cocktails, rose garden, chess piece shaped bushes; you will feel like you’ve been dropped straight onto the movie set. With all that and the inaccurate clocks everywhere, and playing cards littering the walls and windows.”

I later realized that the club’s own description actually bragged that ”Wonderland does a good job of not going overboard with the Disney theme.”

Not going overboard with the Disney theme? I thought that was the whole fun of it! I had anticipated a quirky trip to the other side of the looking glass; instead, I got the reality of awful, brain-killing music combined with bad lighting, a collection of “dancers” in short red dresses popping champagne in would-be unison (as if this were some kind of grandly rehearsed dance. There may have been sparklers. All I could think is as I struggled to grab a glass of bubbly in time for the stroke of midnight was, “This sucks. I wish we were at Disneyland watching the fireworks.”

Like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight, I hit my club-atmosphere tolerance limit. I, my teetering stilettos, were ready to skedaddle. After maneuvering through a near confrontation when a bouncer put his hand on my husband’s chest (dude: not a good idea) together my husband and I abandoned our friends and fled, capes and coats flapping in the Hollywood alleyway wind, out of the rabbit hole and into the night.

On foot, we wandered to into nearby Miceli’s, a kitschy yet intimate Italian restaurant decorated with the requisite red checked tablecloths. Rows of Chianti bottles were strung up like Chinese lanterns. In the middle of it all: a man wearing a black turtleneck and 1992 facelift sat playing at the piano, crooning Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin tunes.

It was bliss.

Ah! New Year’s is saved! I realized, sinking my teeth into a seven layer lasagna. This is where I belong. This kind of place, where families were drinking wine and laughing, sleepy four-year olds falling asleep in their spaghetti, elderly couples who had been patrons for years. Maybe Joe the manager always did his best to get them seated at ‘their’ table, the one in the corner with a best view of the pianist.

This is where I belong. This is the kind of girl I am.

But, what of THIS New Year’s Eve? What happened then? Had I forgotten the lesson of the year before so quickly? What of our guests? What of the THRILLING NEW YEAR’S EVE in L.A. I had promised them?

Find out in next time in Part 3 of this series!

featured image credit: besighyawn

Have an Ecosystem (Or Join One)

Apple makes beautiful devices.  Simple, elegant, and highly functional. However, pristine as the iPad might be, it wouldn’t be very drool worthy were it not for the variety of content available on it.

I’m directing this point particularly toward Nintendo. For years they’ve hamstrung themselves with lackluster online experiences and clunky marketplace offerings. Making matters worse is that the bulk of their content consists of re-hashed first party titles from years past that we’ve already purchased on another system.

Microsoft and Sony had a little more foresight here.  Both offer the ability to purchase movies, music, and games and the meteoric rise of indie games is at least partially thanks to Microsoft’s outstanding support of 3rd party developers on its system. The difference between Apple and Nintendo is that while they’re similar in their pursuit of end-to-end integration, Apple’s model is more adept at leveraging the creativity of self-starters with its lush support of iOS development.

Simplicity is the Ultimate Sophistication

While motion controls were novel at their debut, Sony and Nintendo’s offerings looked archaic next to Microsoft’s Kinect. It had largely the same capabilities, but the package was more enticing without multiple accessories, batteries, and add-ons being required to make the experience fun.

The same can be said of game design to a degree. Angry Birds is an astoundingly simple premise- slingshot birds to eliminate pigs. Five words. Done. In an age where developers scramble to cram as much content as possible into a title to entice gamers to open their wallets, less really is more.

Another example of this is when Capcom released the most excellent Mega Man 9 to the Xbox Live marketplace some years back. They could’ve gone crazy with hyper-realistic graphics, online multiplayer, and tons of downloadable content to customize Mega Man’s appearance. Instead, they got to the core of what the game was about when it first made its debut in the 80s- diabolical challenge. They kept the same graphics from nearly 30 years earlier, but more than relying on nostalgia for success they also copied the central idea of the popular series in its purest form.

Figure Out What We Want Before We Know We Want It

Granted, I can’t explain how this is done but Apple seems to be killing it on this front. Unfortunately, I can see how the big three game companies have scrambled to play catch up with each other year after year instead of innovating.

Sony tried to get motion control to market just to compete with Nintendo instead of taking Microsoft’s approach of learning from Nintendo’s mistakes. Microsoft’s first Xbox was powerful, but clunky it its design as they just took a PC and shoehorned it into a hideous box with an even more hideous controller. Nintendo tried to jump on the the 3D bandwagon with its headache-inducing Nintendo 3DS last year.

That’s not innovation. That’s a knee-jerk reaction to what’s trendy and trying to turn people’s heads. Innovation happens when you introduce an entirely new way of delivering content or announce a feature that answers a problem that has been there forever right in front of consumers’ faces but no one thought to address.

Simply put, it might behoove the big three to Think Different.

What innovations do you foresee in console gaming? While you do that I’m going to get back to playing my 99 cent, four-button copy of NBA Jam on my iPhone.

featured image credit: wicker_man