New Wu-Tang???

Wanna hear it?  Here it go:

The track Execution in Autumn, including verses from Inspectah Deck, RZA, U-God and Raekwon comes from the new album A Better Tomorrow, expected to drop before the end of the year.

But that’s not all, the reunion continues.  Wu-Tang Clan will be performing at the Rock The Bells concerts in September and October (check your local concert calendars).

Following the success of hologram Tupac’s appearance at the Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg Coachella shows in 2012, the Wu will indeed be resurrecting deceased member ODB as a hologram at the upcoming gigs.  Rumor has it that hologram Easy-E will be making an appearance as well.

Featured Image & Link Credit: Soul Temple Music
Image Credit: Wu-Tang Tumblr

1. The Pole Package

Live audience vote-in competition to find the best exotic dancer in the country. Ex-Playboy playmate and reality television superstar Kendra Wilkinson, famed dancer turned actor Mikhail Baryshnikov and zany comedic personality Rosie O’Donnell bring multiple viewpoints and a range of show business experience to the judges’ table.

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll spend $10 for a Diet Coke!

Image Credit: Pole Fitness Congleton Cheshire

2. A Pole Lotta Love

A concurrently airing spin-off of The Pole Package following a former/current contestant’s search for true love. Each “Soul-John” competing to win her heart will either be given a glass platform heel to advance or be bounced to the parking lot by 6’5″ human-tank Bruno.

Tune in for your weekly dose of romance, adventure, and pasties!

Image Credit: Made-In-China

3. Undercover Aristocrat

Eat your heart out Eliza Doolittle! In this new series, each week an excessively privileged contestant will have to infiltrate a group of “average citizens” or face having to pay student loans.

The bougie who most successfully convinces the commoners of their proletariat status wins their pick of cushy employment from the other contestants’ fathers.

There will be bus riding!

Image & Feature Credit: Jenny Lindh

4. Plaque To Basics

A group of highly successful dentists compete to see who can traverse the length of the Mississippi River with only a rowboat, hockey stick and a limitless supply of Jolly Ranchers.

Hosted by Gary Busey’s teeth, this high octane ride is sure to leave you chomping at the bit for more!

Image Credit: Unite and Prosper

5. The Real Housewives Of St. Paul

Just when you thought the drama of The Real Housewives’ franchise couldn’t be topped, they’ve done it again!

The Real Housewives of St. Paul explores the tumultuous daily lives of five Twin Cities’ residents.

Thrill as these reasonable human beings buy groceries, attend PTA meetings, try Zumba and contribute to church bake sales!

Image Credit: CRBC

You take an arcade game, add a hamburger-making chef in a kitchen gone wild, and you’ve got yourself hours of guaranteed fun!  BurgerTime, the 80s arcade classic still entertains in the 21st century and has players lining up for seconds!

BurgerTime, created by Data East, was released in 1982 to arcades and the home video game market.  The original overseas title was Hamburger, but was changed shortly before release.

The game play is simple.  You are chef Peter Pepper and your job is to assemble 4 hamburgers per level in a kitchen made of ladders and vertical platforms.  To do this, you must walk the length of the ingredient (2 buns, lettuce, and meat) that are positioned on each platform.  Walking across an ingredient will cause it to fall to the level below causing a chain reaction that will knock the ingredients to a waiting plate below.  Additional levels also add a layer of cheese and tomato.

Assembling four burgers clears the level and the game moves on to the next scene.

Sounds easy?  Not so fast!  Peter is being chased through each round by a team of enemy ingredients who want to smash him into hamburger!

• Mr. Dog – a giant hot dog wiener

• Mr. Egg – a giant sunny side up egg

• Mr. Pickle – a giant pickle slice that appears starting with round 2

Touching an enemy in any way costs Peter a life.  The game begins with 5 lives.

The enemies can be outrun, smashed by dropping an ingredient from a level above, or temporarily stunned by Peter spraying them with a pepper shot.  Peter begins the game with 5 pepper shots and can earn more by collecting bonus foods such as a cup of coffee, an ice cream cone, or fries that appear at random intervals at the center of the screen.

If an enemy is on one of the burger ingredients after Peter has crossed it to fall to the lower level, the enemy will fall as well, causing all of the ingredients of the burger to fall at once to complete the burger.  This difficult move also scores a massive amount of bonus points and temporarily removes an enemy from play.

There are six different scenes for Peter to clear and each round quickly increases in difficulty.  Some feature dead corners were he can become easily trapped.  Other requires extra burgers to be assembled.  After clearing all six screens, the game switches back to the first to start the cycle again at a greatly increased difficulty.

Player enjoys a round on a BurgerTime machine at an arcade in Montana.

I first played the game at the Bally’s Aladdin’s Castle in the early 80s.  The now closed arcade chain, where I had many birthday parties, was a spin-off of the Bally’s Casino corporation from Las Vegas.

The game cost a quarter and my family got to experience the great joy (yeah, right) of standing around, watching me toss quarter after quarter into this game.  While some kids went straight for the Skee-Ball machine – I went for BurgerTime.  To me, Skee-Ball is number two. (Though, I still get in a game here and there for the record.)

That Christmas, to my great glee, Santa brought me a new Atari 2600 and inside was a cartridge for BurgerTime!  I couldn’t believe it!  I must have been such a good boy for Santa to bring my favorite game!

Years later, I would find out my mother put it on lay-away at the local Hills department store because she had no desire to stand in a noisy arcade with me any longer.  So, I guess this was kind of a win-win.

The fast rise of the mall arcade lasted about a decade, but faced a steady decline as more gamers purchased their own home video game systems.  BurgerTime’s popularity led to its release on multiple home video game systems, each with an improvement in graphics.

Two limited arcade only spin-offs were also released.  Peter Pepper’s Ice Cream Madness and Super BurgerTime.  Super BurgerTime allows two players to play at once.  A third sequel, PizzaTime was in development, but was abandoned due to the decline in the popularity of video games.

Intellivision, released another spin-off for home play called Diner.

After the arcades closed, I was still playing my Atari version until my game system finally died for good due to a problem with the power cable inside the machine.  I was out of luck, but still hungry for more.

Then in 2007, the first mobile edition was released to cash in on the nostalgia of classic games that require little memory to play on hand held smart phones.  The game cost 99 cents to download, and once again I was assembling burgers on my subway ride to and from work.

BurgerTime World Tour , a new 3D version was released in 2011 for the Xbox 360.

A BurgerTime machine can be seen to the left inside Barcade, Jersey City, New Jersey.

To me though, the old fashioned 25 cent arcade is still the best and can still be found around.  Barcade in Jersey City, New Jersey has a restored standing cabinet machine that still costs a quarter.  Barcade is a bar / arcade for adults that specializes in restoring vintage video games and presenting them for adults only in their gaming lounges.  The chain has three locations including one in Brooklyn and Philadelphia.

Some local taverns also still carry the game in multi-use arcade machines that allow the player to select from a number of classic games on the same machine.

A word of caution – this thing QUICKLY becomes addicting!  The simple concept sounds easy, but the enemies get smarter and the levels become more and more challenging until they are almost impossible.  The fun is seeing how far you can go and then how far your friends can go!  You know you want to still type in your initials in the arcade for all to see!

The highest recorded score was Bryan L. Wagner at an arcade in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania in 2009, earning 11,512,500 points.

And for all the grammar teachers out there… BurgerTime is one big word.  That’s not a typo – that’s a copyright!

BurgerTime at an arcade in New Hampshire.

THE 411

Name: BurgerTime

What: arcade/video game

Released in United States: 1982

JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS:

If you’ve never played this classic – you must!  Or if you have, give it another try!   I found a FREE version you can play online.  Sadly, it has no sound, but will quickly give you a taste for what you are in for.

Take a break and give it a try here:  http://www.tripletsandus.com/80s/80s_games/burgertime2.htm

See you in the kitchen!

PS – If you’re looking to purchase an old video game cartridge version, they are still for sale on eBay and Amazon.

Image credits – Thadkrgr, kbirkenbach,  Darin House, goodrob13, Rob Boudon

Pittsburgh, PA – Friday
By Joshua Mauldin

The sociology department at Carnegie Mellon University announced this morning that they have awarded 64-year-old Pittsburgh resident Margaret Sanders an honorary Ph.D. in Negative Marital Observance.

“We’re convinced that no human being has dedicated as much time and effort to a subject as Margaret has in studying what’s wrong with her husband,” said Cooper Elliot, Chair of the CMU Sociology Department.

“From the way he inadequately brushes his teeth, to how he oddly sits off-center in a chair, to his annoying habit of dropping the ‘R’ in certain words. Margaret has compiled a lifetime’s worth of data, more than most sociologists could ever dream about.”

The official ceremony will be held this Sunday at the CMU Graduation Hall, assuming Harold doesn’t take six hours to put his damn tie on or get lost like usual.

Image Credit: Boring Old White Guy

Lexington P. Monoclesworth leads the crew of the Starship Enterprise into darkness…for a while.

Another solid summer blockbuster, what gives? Either I’m going soft (ahem) or this year is starting off rather pleasantly.

Spoiler Alert 2/3rds in but marked appropriately.

I’m always saying we should be way embarrassed about what we’re putting out in space for other civilizations to find, and I think this xkcd comic totally backs me.

Any tips on how I can get a raise? The 2% they’ve been giving me every year is not enough. I was looking on salary.com and it says I should be making thousands more than I am. How do I get them to pay me what I’m worth?

–I Deserve More

Dear More,

You’ve been getting 2% every year? Wow, lucky you! Since the economy exploded a few years ago, I think it would be difficult to find many people out there who have been getting steady increases every year. I think most who are employed are grateful to have a job and most who aren’t employed just really hate you right now.

Here’s a universal truth for you: EVERY employee thinks they are underpaid. Every single one. Those oil company CEOs you hear about on the news making 90 ba-zillion dollars? They want 95 ba-zillion dollars. It’s a fact of life. The difference between what an employee thinks they’re worth and what an employer thinks a job is worth is usually pretty wide.

From the employee’s perspective, you are thinking about your cost of living, that new Lamborghini Aventador that looks super sexy in lime green, the fact that a freaking box of Peanut Butter Cheerios costs about five bucks, and have you seen the price of gas? Aventadors get about 2 miles to the gallon, those babies ain’t cheap.

Add in the fact that, according to you, you do an awesome job, you are on time every day (mostly), get all of your work done, you are the epitome of the good employee. So yes, you deserve a raise, goddammit. And not one of those Cost of Living trifles, a real, honest to goodness raise. Something that, when you get your next paycheck, you’ll actually notice it’s higher. You know, one of those fancy types of raises.

From the employer’s perspective- they have thought a lot about what you are worth to them. They probably have a whole person in the HR Department who just sits around figuring out what people should get paid.

What a company decides to pay employees is like any marketplace. It’s like buying a Lamborghini Aventador, let’s say. You want a lime green one but you don’t want to pay too much for it. Turns out, everyone else wants the lime green one, so to procure your snazzy new supercar, you might get into a bidding war, or you might have to pay full price at the dealership.

But who knows, maybe you’ll find one cheap on Craigslist. Companies are the same way, they want the best employees to fill their positions and they don’t want to pay too much for them. They do research, invest in trusted salary surveys, create salary grades, and do all sorts of boring things that lead them to only giving you 2% a year. There are all sorts of math, charts, theories, and power point presentations behind that 2%. You’d be amazed.

So, you want tips? Here are some tips:

Do research.

Salary.com is evil, and I’m not just saying that cuz I’m a mean old HR hag who sucks the joy out of life and wants to make sure no one in the world makes the salary they deserve. While some of that may be true, everyone should understand that the data on salary.com is not always good data.

Compensation data collection is a bit of a science that involves benchmarking job duties, factoring in things like experience, industry, geography, trends, etc. A lot of comp professionals think that salary.com data still includes information from the tech boom (wasn’t that like, 100 years ago now? I find this dubious, but I still hear that theory a lot).

It’s kind of like when you are watching Pawn Stars (theoretically) and some dude is trying to sell the storm trooper helmet he made from scratch out of marshmallow fluff.

The big guy behind the counter asks: “How much do you want for it?”

Nerd with sticky fingers says: “I’ve seen them on the internet for $1,000”

Big guys comes back with: “Yeah, but is anyone buying them for a $1,000?”

So there you go, salary.com is like a storm trooper helmet made of marshmallow fluff: everyone thinks they’re worth something, but no one’s willing to pay for them. Or, in simpler less abstract terms, something (or someone) is only worth what someone (or some company) is willing to pay for it (or them). Yes, that was my less abstract explanation, sue me. Wait! Don’t sue me.

So how do you do research? If you belong to a professional organization, you might want to start there. Or, one thing I’ve done in the past is look at Monster or Careerbuilder, or yes, even Craigslist. Sometimes companies will list the salary range they are looking for in their job ads. Find a job that sounds like what you do and see what others are willing to pay right now, in your geographic area. And here’s a good side benefit, maybe you’ll find a better paying job somewhere else!

Other salary data out there: check the websites of staffing agencies. Robert Half, Accountemps, etc. all post salary guides which are usually free. Also, the Bureau of Labor Statistics (bls.gov) publishes salary data. The key here is to make sure you are looking at a position that has similar duties to your position and is in a similar geographic or metropolitan location, titles don’t count.

Market yourself.

Remember how I said that compensation is a marketplace? Figure out what you know or what you have done that makes you worth more. Maybe you’ve gotten a certification (or maybe you should). Maybe you saved the company millions of dollars when you managed that software implementation. Make a list. Focus on ways that you have added value to your department and the organization. Be persuasive. Don’t be coy.

Specialize/Find a Niche.

Look for areas in your job and/or your company where you can specialize. Look for underserved areas, or maybe complex areas. Think of it this way: if you are a receptionist, it doesn’t really matter what industry you work in or where you live. It’s not too difficult for your company to find a receptionist to do that job.

However, let’s say you are a computer programmer who just happens to know the particular programming language that your company uses that is very rare and specific to the industry. In this case, there are few people who can do that job, and they probably get a premium for their knowledge.

Not to say anything bad about being a receptionist, but it’s kind of like being a silver Honda Civic, they’re reliable but everywhere. However, if you are the programmer in this example, you are the lime green Lamborghini, you may be ugly as sin but you’re rare and super cool. And rare and super cool can equal money in the bank.

Quit.

The most successful way I have ever seen to get a raise that is higher than the yearly merit-cost of living-token 2% is to find another job that wants to pay you more and then threaten to quit.

It’s a sad fact that most companies will only give you a raise if you leave.

It sucks, but it’s true. Hiring and training your replacement is more costly, and more annoying than paying you more. But, here’s a warning that applies to any advice I’ve ever given you: I’m speaking in generalities. I’ve also seen this backfire on people, so don’t make the threat unless you mean it.

However, I think it’s healthy to stay in touch with the marketplace, send your resume out occasionally. Something may come of it, something may not.

Ask.

You’ll remember that, my dear loyal readers, Mme HR likes to listen to NPR. A month or so ago they were doing a story about how women don’t really know how to negotiate. It was an interesting story, but here was the takeaway for me: I never flat out ask for what I want.

I feel like I have mastered the dance, the ploys and manipulations were I talk and ask and suggest about every point in the circle without ever hitting the bulls eye. And when the bulls eye finally gets hit, it is usually someone else’s idea, and I’m freaking exhausted.

After listening to this radio story, and processing it through the Rube Goldberg machine that is my mind, I decided to start asking for what I wanted. No more dancing around the real subject, no more prevarication, no more games. Just be direct.

And you know what? So far, it’s working. I’m not a 100%, but my first success: I was dealing with a particularly vexing problem that I knew a solution for, and I had come up with all sorts of excuses as to why they would say no to my suggestion, so I was dropping hints and asking for things that were close to what I wanted, but not exactly what I wanted. Then, I just decided to ask for it directly.

And I got it.

And I was right.

I couldn’t stop smiling that day—my best day at work in a long, long time. And, it was so much faster than the usual song and dance.

In the spirit of being direct, I’ll get to the point. You want a raise? Ask for one. What’s the worst that can happen? Even if they say no, you’ve planted some seeds, you’ve kicked open a door that will stay ajar for the next time you want to talk about it. Keep asking.

Oh, and shoot for the moon. You want to make $60K a year? Ask for $75K. This is another thing I’ve learned the hard way. I guess that’s why it’s a negotiation, right? Be brave. Don’t come up with the reasons it’s a bad idea before you even ask, don’t hand them the excuses. Let them come up with the reasons it’s a bad idea.

So there you have it, good luck! I wish I could say with any confidence whether or not any of these tips will actually work. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try! Maybe you’ll get a raise! Maybe you’ll get a new job! Maybe you’ll get fired! (No, wait, probably not that). Maybe you’ll just get that 2% again, but you were going to get that anyway. So either way, you are that much closer to that Lamborghini! Lime green, really?

Good luck out there,

Mme HR

Don’t forget to send your questions! You can leave them in the comments, or email them to askHorroR@gmail.com

Can you tell I’m super-excited about having seen three whole summer movies already? Here’s yet another spoiler-rific parody– this time Tony Stark covers Justin Timberlake with “Suits that Fly.” However awesome you think this is going to be, I’m telling you right now it’s even more awesome than that, so check it out below.

[h/t io9]

I read about two hours of tech news a day, all from various sources.

Some are geared to alert consumers about new products coming to market, some are more business oriented (startups, acquisitions, etc.), and some of the stuff I read veers into the dark trenches of R&D. So deep your mind probably can’t handle it.

Technology, science and discovery are moving at such a rapid pace that fifty years from now, 90% of what we know won’t resemble anything we know today. I’ll let that marinate with you for a second.

This week I’ve decided to bring you a ton of random information about this past week in technology and serve it up in no logical order or interrelation between topics. I call this Technolog-A.D.D.

1. AT&T is sending HTC back their Facebook phone because no one’s buying it.

I feel like an asshole here because I should’ve called it in my review of Facebook Home.  But yes, it’s true.

Just four short weeks after HTC revealed their First Facebook Phone, which included Facebook Home as its native OS, sales were so slow the price dropped to $0.99.

One week later, it’s DONE. People have said this could be due to the fact that AT&T sales reps hated it, but also because Samsung and Apple are taking over the world. Go figure.

2. Somebody 3-D printed a gun and shot it without exploding their head off.

First of all, this guy is a total freakin’ idiot. I, personally, would’ve loved to have seen the entire barrel combust in his hands and blow his face off. Unfortunately, it fired without doing any fun damage to the dummy.

Don’t get all upset though, as the same thing could be made with a piece of metal tubing, a spring or rubberband, and a nail.

So no, 3D printers don’t kill people. People kill people, and unfortunately TERRIBLE ideas don’t always kill the people who attempt to execute them. But look forward to the fun legislation and press this shit is gonna get now!

Also, it should be noted that if this boy had blown any body parts off, he could conveniently just 3D print himself some bionic ones to slap right back on and get back to his gunsmithing.

I just bought my own 3D printer so I could make myself an invisibility cloak. That way you can’t even see me to shoot me. I can smack you upside the head and you’ll have no idea WTF hit you.

3. It has been proven once again that the only reason our energy isn’t sustainable is because of politics.

Twenty years ago, second graders were inventing water-powered automobiles at their school science fairs. If America could sacrifice a few miles of tourist beach, wave power could fuel the entire country.

Soccer balls have been invented which, after being kicked around for a day, can light an entire home for the duration of an evening. Now a device has come to market which harvests ambient vibrations and converts them into energy. Seriously!

It makes power just by freaking sitting there!!! Somebody, please, give these people a million, bajillion dollars and the keys to the city. If it weren’t for bringing down what’s left of the economy as we know it, we’d all be driving flying cars powered by our trash and the energy created when we blink our freakin’ eyes.

4. A tablet designed for the zombie apocalypse is headed to market

Sqigle has designed a ruggedized tablet which surpasses anything in its class by ensuring that you can still use this thing if you’re the last person on the face of the planet.

They’re using e-paper, Android, a 20 hour battery and solar powered recharging, plus an ANT+ sensor to make sure that you can get around when the zombies have taken everyone else out. Oh, also, there’s a carabiner attached. But seriously, this thing is pretty sweet.

Get out there and hike with live map updates regardless of connectivity or power supply for only $249.

That’s all I have for you today, fierce nerds. Check back next week when What the Tech goes on location to somewhere awesome. I’m not telling you where, but you’ll love it. I promise.

Stay fierce and nerdy my friends.

Feature Image Credit: Blog CDN

Chicago, IL – Thursday
By Joshua Mauldin

After a ten year study of feline behavior, Veterinarian Genesis Allen, concluded this morning that cats who won’t defecate in their litter boxes are punishing their owners for reasons only they understand.

“You may have cuddled with them too much,” said Allen regarding possible causes. “Or you may not have cuddled long enough. Maybe they didn’t like their new food. Maybe they’re tired of the old food. Maybe they didn’t appreciate you petting a dog. Maybe they didn’t like the way you ignored a dog. Who the hell knows?”

Dr. Allen went on to say that after spending a decade “chronicling these bastards” all he can say is, “scientifically speaking, cats are hairball-puking judgement machines with the ethical standards of a tyrant and the emotional stability of an overweight teenage girl.”

The 150 page study entitled Why Didn’t I Listen To My Mother And Become A Dentist is available for download on Dr. Allen’s website.

Image Credit: Heartless Doll
Image Credit: Soda Head