Fierce and Mommy: To Spank or Not To Spank
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A blogumn by Stephanie Myers
According to Slate Magazine:
The typical parent, when whacking a misbehaving child, doesn’t pause to wonder: “What does science have to say about the efficacy of corporal punishment?” If they are thinking anything at all, it’s: “Here comes justice!”
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[S]cience…shows that corporal punishment is like smoking: It’s a rare human being who can refrain from stepping up from a mild, relatively harmless dose to an excessive and harmful one. Three cigarettes a month won’t hurt you much, and a little smack on the behind once a month won’t harm your child. But who smokes three cigarettes a month? To call corporal punishment addictive would be imprecise, but there’s a strong natural tendency to escalate the frequency and severity of punishment.
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Now, I am not proud to say that I have spanked my children, Jillian and Aidan, on occasion, though I would never think of striking them now. I just can’t see how it teaches them anything more than to be afraid. And I don’t count it amoung the tools i use as a parent.
I think it stems from the fact that I was raised by a mom who crossed the line often, and I know first hand how easily things can escalate. I don’t mean to disparage parents who feel that judicious use of corporal punishment is a helpful tool. But I do think that it’s hard to define what constitutes “judicious”. I’m sure if you asked my mom today, she’d swear that she was totally justified and not violent.
It’s also hard to tell a little boy why its wrong to hit kids on the playground when they do something “wrong,” and yet okay for adults to use hitting as a way to discipline.
When Aidan acts less than well behaved, I let him know that I don’t like it and ask him to use his “good manners.” I always try to be clear about what he is doing that I don’t like, why he shouldn’t do it, and explain to him what will happen if he doesn’t behave. Kids understand a lot more than most adults give them credit for, I think. Anyhow, on the not-too-infrequent occasion that he keeps it up, I hold him in my lap for a timeout.
And sometimes we have to leave wherever we are if he lets loose into a full out fit. I have no problem with that and I let him know that it doesn’t really matter to me if we left the playground or zoo. I really don’t care if his fit means we leave early. But he does.
Long story short, since I’ve started doing this again with Aidan (it had been a while — Jillian learned quickly) the tantrums decreased, and I was able to stay calmer and discipline Aidan without getting physical. When you hit a kid i think they remember the pain and humiliation more than they remember what they were being punished for.
That’s just my two cents. I don’t presume to judge any parent who spanks because I once did and I can understand that it still has a place in some homes.
But what do you think? To spank or not to spank?
I am also a non spanker. It is hard to tell your kids that hitting is the wrong way to get someone to do what you want when you are hitting them to get them to do what you want. My kids are 17 14 11 and 7 and all very well behaved despite not being spanked by me.Punishment does not need to be violent to be effective.
I am also a non spanker. It is hard to tell your kids that hitting is the wrong way to get someone to do what you want when you are hitting them to get them to do what you want. My kids are 17 14 11 and 7 and all very well behaved despite not being spanked by me.Punishment does not need to be violent to be effective.
haha mom that’s funny jerry needs a spanking since when is he well behaved (the 11 year old) Im the 14 year old.
haha mom that’s funny jerry needs a spanking since when is he well behaved (the 11 year old) Im the 14 year old.
haha mom that’s funny jerry needs a spanking since when is he well behaved (the 11 year old) Im the 14 year old.
Josh, I think you’re all well-behaved. And I’ve seen (and heard) much worse than Jerry. I think your biased b/c he’s your little brother. :)
I think spanking should be saved for “special” occasions… but I will say that the times I really remember a punishment were in instances where my mother simply did what she threatened to do. “if you don’t stop fighting, i’m going to pull over and let you out.” and she did. “We’re leaving if you do it again.” and we did. I learned it was best not to test her, because she did what she said no matter what. but she also spanked me…when she said that was what she was going to do.
I think spanking should be saved for “special” occasions… but I will say that the times I really remember a punishment were in instances where my mother simply did what she threatened to do. “if you don’t stop fighting, i’m going to pull over and let you out.” and she did. “We’re leaving if you do it again.” and we did. I learned it was best not to test her, because she did what she said no matter what. but she also spanked me…when she said that was what she was going to do.
At my baby shower in April (thrown by my lovely BFF Ernessa), we played a baby shower game where each of the lovely ladies wrote down a piece of advice on a card for me. Then I read them out loud and tried to guess who wrote it (no easy task since there were about 40 lovely ladies at my shower). One of the cards read, “Beat you child!” Funny thing was it was written by a friend of mine who has four kids and I have never seen her hit them!
My husband and I have agreed that if and when the situation warrants we will spank Sekou. I’m not sure if it is because I grew up with a mother who spanked me (well after the “spanking age” by the way). I think it was hard for my mom because she was young (17), not well versed in all those cool parenting guides and techniques and poor (so she couldn’t threaten to take my gameboy, computer, etc.). But my husband and I have read lots of new parent guides, middle class, etc. and we have still opted to spank.
Why? I’m not 100% sure, but I just know we will. I don’t think it makes us bad parents, actually I think (at least I hope) we will be pretty good parents. Heck, Brian and I turned out okay and hopefully Sekou will too!
At my baby shower in April (thrown by my lovely BFF Ernessa), we played a baby shower game where each of the lovely ladies wrote down a piece of advice on a card for me. Then I read them out loud and tried to guess who wrote it (no easy task since there were about 40 lovely ladies at my shower). One of the cards read, “Beat you child!” Funny thing was it was written by a friend of mine who has four kids and I have never seen her hit them!
My husband and I have agreed that if and when the situation warrants we will spank Sekou. I’m not sure if it is because I grew up with a mother who spanked me (well after the “spanking age” by the way). I think it was hard for my mom because she was young (17), not well versed in all those cool parenting guides and techniques and poor (so she couldn’t threaten to take my gameboy, computer, etc.). But my husband and I have read lots of new parent guides, middle class, etc. and we have still opted to spank.
Why? I’m not 100% sure, but I just know we will. I don’t think it makes us bad parents, actually I think (at least I hope) we will be pretty good parents. Heck, Brian and I turned out okay and hopefully Sekou will too!
What is the “spanking age,” I wonder.
If I pissed her off today my mom would still spank me…..so greater than 31 I’d say.
If I pissed her off today my mom would still spank me…..so greater than 31 I’d say.
If I pissed her off today my mom would still spank me…..so greater than 31 I’d say.
Good Morning just thought i would let you know that i had a problem with your blog appearing frozen as well. Must be gremlins in the system.
Good Morning just thought i would let you know that i had a problem with your blog appearing frozen as well. Must be gremlins in the system.
Good Morning just thought i would let you know that i had a problem with your blog appearing frozen as well. Must be gremlins in the system.
If you're not 100% sure why you would spank, don't spank. Particularly if your parents did. Because really, what that means is, you'll do it to your kid because it was done to you and you haven't done the self-examination necessary to know what that meant, so you're just passing the violence down. Because sorry, folks, but that's what spanking is: violence. It might, occasionally, be violence to a purpose, but make no mistake: it's violence. And the part that hurts most is not the physical violence, it's the emotional violence. And that's the part that comes from not knowing why you're doing it.
If you're not 100% sure why you would spank, don't spank. Particularly if your parents did. Because really, what that means is, you'll do it to your kid because it was done to you and you haven't done the self-examination necessary to know what that meant, so you're just passing the violence down. Because sorry, folks, but that's what spanking is: violence. It might, occasionally, be violence to a purpose, but make no mistake: it's violence. And the part that hurts most is not the physical violence, it's the emotional violence. And that's the part that comes from not knowing why you're doing it.