Fierce Anticipation: May 15-17
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a blogumn by Ryan Dixon
THE SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION EDITION
Author’s Note: The continuing economic crisis has finally hit FaN. Earlier this week all contributors received a memo from our editor, Ernessa T. Carter, stating that from this time forward, we would have to find sponsors for our postings or risk being laid off. As opposed to plastering my weekly blogumns with so many banner ads that it would be in danger of resembling a NASCAR vehicle, I have decided instead to do one full blogumn dedicated to my new sponsors. A blogomerical, if you will.
FIERCELY ANTICIPATING
Life is a Dream by Josh Tarjan
I have a friend named of Josh Tarjan. A few years back he wrote a novel entitled Life is a Dream, which is a funny and swashbuckling meta-tale of adventure based on the famous Spanish Golden Age drama by Calderón. After years of suffering through countless false leads, dead ends and cold shoulders, he finally found a publisher and the book came out last month.
While I did in fact sign a sponsorship agreement with Josh binding me to state how much I enjoyed Life is a Dream by Josh Tarjan, I would also like to tell you — honestly, truly and from the bottom of my heart — that I actually did very much enjoy Life is a Dream by Josh Tarjan. If you enjoy the works of Umberto Eco, Jorge Luis Borges, Shakespeare, Milton, Homer, Tolstoy, Jane Austen, Alexandre Dumas and Judith Krantz you’ll probably enjoy Life is a Dream by Josh Tarjan too.
And after the jump, I turn over the remainder of the “Fiercely Anticipating” section to Josh Tarjan, author of the very enjoyable novel Life is a Dream…
10 Reasons Why People Should Buy My Book by Josh Tarjan
1. My wife is pregnant and I’m about to lose my job.
2. Each paragraph contains more adventure than ten time-shares in Tampa.
3. If you don’t buy the book, we will kill one character every hour.
4. Cannot be recalled by the FDA.
5. Order now and you get the 35th chapter free.
6. May detox your colon if you accidentally sit on it while naked.
7. More revolutionary than the 1917 Petrograd Soviet of Workers’ and Soldiers’ Deputies.
8. More absorbing than a jumbo ShamWow.
9. JUST BUY IT GODDAMN IT!
9. Because your life will be nugatory, jejune, otiose, and piteous otherwise.
10. Because you’ve always wanted to know how to curse in Hungarian.
11. Because. It, is. A. Haiku. Of a. book.
12. Because it’s better than sex.
12. Because it contains a strong female protagonist who, to reclaim her honor, ventures out into a world fraught with danger — and in so doing inadvertently comes to question the very nature of the very honor she was seeking to reclaim. (Whoops. Scratch that.)
12. Because this list goes up to 11.
In conclusion, I just want to thank Ryan for giving me this wonderful opportunity to sell both myself and my novel to his massive, devoted, and obviously very intelligent readership. If you ever need to take a break from learning about the infinite mass of knowledge, wisdom and kindness that is Ryan Dixon and want to know more about me, please visit JoshTarjan.com.
Have you bought the book yet? If you haven’t, please go now and purchase it from Amazon for only $10 or CreateSpace where — the guilt trip missile has been launched — a portion of the proceeds goes to Doctors Without Borders. See, not only will you be getting an A + piece of literary entertainment, but you will also be saving dying kids in Africa*. Not too bad of an accomplishment for a Friday.
P.S. For anyone wishing to give a baby shower gift to my wife and I, we are registered at Fred Segal for Kids.
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*Why are you reading this footnote and not buying the book on CreateSpace? Thanks to your lack of action, an infant in the Congo just died of cholera and a teenager in Ethiopia has now contracted Elephantiasis. I hope you’re happy.
KINDA WANNA READ
The Holy Bible by God
Despite being a lapsed Catholic-cum-Atheist, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — as they have done so often and enthusiastically in their short history — were very eager to convert a portion of this column to their cause and I was only happy to oblige…
A Special Message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Hi, there! It’s LDS current Prophet and President Thomas S. Monson writing to you. Do you need some beach reading? Tired of the black magic of Harry Potter? The sex and sodomy of Danielle Steel? The existential despair of John-Paul Satre? Have you already purchased, read and very much enjoyed Josh Tarjan’s Life is a Dream? If so, then The Holy Bible by God and The Book of Mormon by Joseph Smith (Holy Ghostwritten by God) are the perfect gifts for you!
And as a special offer exclusively for readers of this blogumn, if you purchase The Holy Bible and The Book of Mormon within the next two hours, we will send you a free one-year subscription to Ensign. Each month you will read about what is cool and exciting in the Land of Latter-day, such as the new American Apparel magical undergarment summer collection, fun things to do when you’re not having pre-marital sex, the Top 10 Reasons Why Milk is Better than Beer, and the doctrinal secrets of how you too can have Mitt Romney helmet hair. There’s no doubt about it, having Ensign arrive in your mailbox monthly is a fast pass to Heaven!
WOULDN’T GO IF YOU PAID ME
North Korea
After a tumultuous search to find a sponsor for this section during which Ciudad Juárez, the producers of Dance Flick and Dick Cheney all politely declined to come on board, I was finally able to secure sponsorship for “Wouldn’t Go If You Paid Me” by none other than The Dear Leader himself.
Ladies and gentleman, when you are making vacation plans this summer, have you considered visiting beautiful North Korea…
Pyonyang here we come!
Excellent! I was looking for a traveling companion!
Pyonyang here we come!
Excellent! I was looking for a traveling companion!
A) I want to go to North Korea so badly now I think I just wet my pants.
B) When are they going to make Jesus Christo the black (or at least dark-skinned) guy he was?
C) I hate the word blogumn.
D) But I love you.
It's strange, one almost feels as if the "Jesus" they found was from somewhere like Salt Lake City and not the Middle East.
Blogumn was the editor's call. Although I used to hate it, I have warmed up to it over the past few months.
I love you too.
Like, maybe it was a guy named John from Provo…
John James from Provo.
Oh Bryce, I receive so much flack for "blogumn" — but I love made-up words to death, so we're keeping it. :)
BT-dubs I, too, wonder about "B." Is it a need for every culture to have a god in their image?
As writers are we not defenders of language? Are we not the last bastion against an onslaught of "RU" and "lates" and "ttys"!
JK! OMG! I heart blogumn!
And, if he was in the Mormon image wouldn't he shave and cut his hair?
Shave, cut his hair, wear a white button up (with white under shirt underneath), khakis and white socks.
A) I want to go to North Korea so badly now I think I just wet my pants.
B) When are they going to make Jesus Christo the black (or at least dark-skinned) guy he was?
C) I hate the word blogumn.
D) But I love you.
It's strange, one almost feels as if the "Jesus" they found was from somewhere like Salt Lake City and not the Middle East.
Blogumn was the editor's call. Although I used to hate it, I have warmed up to it over the past few months.
I love you too.
Like, maybe it was a guy named John from Provo…
John James from Provo.
Oh Bryce, I receive so much flack for "blogumn" — but I love made-up words to death, so we're keeping it. :)
BT-dubs I, too, wonder about "B." Is it a need for every culture to have a god in their image?
As writers are we not defenders of language? Are we not the last bastion against an onslaught of "RU" and "lates" and "ttys"!
JK! OMG! I heart blogumn!
And, if he was in the Mormon image wouldn't he shave and cut his hair?
Shave, cut his hair, wear a white button up (with white under shirt underneath), khakis and white socks.
all i remember is how we went to fred segal and those people were horribly snooty AND the clothes were UGLY… sorry, not sure why fred segal stuck out for me…
Fred Segal is a blackhole for the Hollywood muckity mucks.
all i remember is how we went to fred segal and those people were horribly snooty AND the clothes were UGLY… sorry, not sure why fred segal stuck out for me…
Fred Segal is a blackhole for the Hollywood muckity mucks.
Just want to know if Price line.com and Captain Kirk can get me a good price for airline and hotel stay in North Korea????
William Shatner can get you anything you want. He's a miracle of nature.
Just want to know if Price line.com and Captain Kirk can get me a good price for airline and hotel stay in North Korea????
William Shatner can get you anything you want. He's a miracle of nature.
I have read Life is a Dream four times as Josh Tarjan's volunteer spellchecker and enjoyed every minute of it. I've have known him for more than four decades and have seen his development as a writer from his first puppet show about Abe Lincoln ca. 1975, and his writing has soared upward and forward ever since then. We happen to be related, i.e., sharing genes, but that has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my enthusiasm about the story Pedro Calderon and Josh had spun. The best collaboration spanning hundreds of years.
I have read Life is a Dream four times as Josh Tarjan's volunteer spellchecker and enjoyed every minute of it. I've have known him for more than four decades and have seen his development as a writer from his first puppet show about Abe Lincoln ca. 1975, and his writing has soared upward and forward ever since then. We happen to be related, i.e., sharing genes, but that has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my enthusiasm about the story Pedro Calderon and Josh had spun. The best collaboration spanning hundreds of years.
Hey, did you see or hear about this: http://gawker.com/5258109/field-guide-jon-huntsma…
I did see this. The fact that he's a Dream Theater and REO Speedwagon fan is making me seriously consider converting to LDS.
Hey, did you see or hear about this: http://gawker.com/5258109/field-guide-jon-huntsma…
I did see this. The fact that he's a Dream Theater and REO Speedwagon fan is making me seriously consider converting to LDS.
To whom it may concern. (That's you Dixon.)
Since the publication of your so-called "blogumn", sales of my novel ("Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan) have failed to spike. So much for your "SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION." Not only do I demand my money returned, but I rescind my promise to supply you with my first born.
I also wish to complain about the typo in the first line of the section dedicated to my book ("Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan, (available at CreateSpace (https://www.createspace.com/3373670) and Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Life-Dream-Josh-Tarjan/dp/1…
My attorney will be in touch.
Sincerely,
Josh Tarjan (author of "Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan)
Dear Josh,
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, no refund will be forthcoming as "Fierce Anticipation" saw its lowest readership since its inception when the post regarding your "novel" came online. While there may be no concrete evidence for a direct correlation between these events, I believe that the 10,000 personal emails I received over the past three days bemoaning the fact that my incredible writing skills were wasted on such a product as your "novel" would do more than enough to allow any court to side with me and the editors of "Fierce and Nerdy."
I wish you the best of luck with your "novel."
Ryan Dixon
To whom it may concern. (That's you Dixon.)
Since the publication of your so-called "blogumn", sales of my novel ("Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan) have failed to spike. So much for your "SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION." Not only do I demand my money returned, but I rescind my promise to supply you with my first born.
I also wish to complain about the typo in the first line of the section dedicated to my book ("Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan, (available at CreateSpace (https://www.createspace.com/3373670) and Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Life-Dream-Josh-Tarjan/dp/1…
My attorney will be in touch.
Sincerely,
Josh Tarjan (author of "Life is a Dream" by Josh Tarjan)
Dear Josh,
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, no refund will be forthcoming as "Fierce Anticipation" saw its lowest readership since its inception when the post regarding your "novel" came online. While there may be no concrete evidence for a direct correlation between these events, I believe that the 10,000 personal emails I received over the past three days bemoaning the fact that my incredible writing skills were wasted on such a product as your "novel" would do more than enough to allow any court to side with me and the editors of "Fierce and Nerdy."
I wish you the best of luck with your "novel."
Ryan Dixon