FIERCE (IN THE BRAVOTV, BROADWAY CHORUS BOY SENSE OF THE WORD) ANTICIPATION: The Zachary Halley Edition II
a substitute blogumn by Zachary Halley
The last communiqué I received from Mr. Dixon was “written with the pen that wrote the second serif on the health care bill, asking me to take over the column this week as he would be conducting a feasibility study in Alaska’s Bristol Bay. I’ve learned not to question.
FIERCELY ANTICIPATING
If you’ve been living under the proverbial rock, you may not have heard that the remake of the 1981 cult classic Clash of the Titans opens this weekend.
(For our younger readers, 1981 was last century and they had talking pictures then.) Here’s the trailer for the original:
How could they possibly update that?! I mean the clay! My god the clay!! It looks so realistic!!! Not since Caligula were actors of such renown convinced to make such a steaming pile of film history. I mean, my god the gods:
Claire “I was onscreen with Chaplin” Bloom:
Seen here climbing out of Richard Burton’s bed sheets.
Maggie “I was Miss Jean Brodie” Smith:
Seen here desperately checking her ‘hexts’ from Dumbeldore.
…and the godfather of them all Laurence “I’ve been up every bum in London” Olivier:
Seen here in a rare photo attending his Star-Wars-themed-prom in 1983
And let’s not forget newcomer Harry Hamlin:
Yowza! Is that a potato in your loincloth or are you just happy to see Persephone?
This was, of course before LA Law sucked out his youth and vitality only to leave him merely ruggedly handsome and only able to snag Lisa Rinna:
Poor guy
Most of the Hollywood updates of late have certainly struck me as steps down. But this seems like it’s at least a lateral move if not a step up. We’ve traded Olivier for Neeson and Fiennes:
This was the only “sexy” picture I could find of Liam…I don’t know what he’s doing. He’s probably drunk and fell down after having sold his pant for a ride to Santa Monica Beach.
This is far from the sexiest picture I could find of Ralph but I adore it as it clearly shows Mr. Fiennes has been caught exiting a Broadway theater with a rent boy.
And in a major improvement we’ve got Worthington for Hamlin.
Normally I’d say that while hot, this cutie is the type you have to fuck with your shoes on because as soon as he cums he’s gonna hit you so you better be ready to run but he certainly did have a meteoric Hollywood rise and you usually only do that by getting on your knees in front of somebody so he must be a little gay friendly.
This is him in serious need of a trim and a Bel Ami boy (google it, you’ll be glad you did) style body hair purging.
Surprisingly there aren’t many images of him with his shirt off…they’re mostly of other boys. And here they are:
Of course I know COT20103-D will suck. I’m certain of it. But it can’t suck any worse that COT1981Poo-D sucked, right?
I know that I’ll face backlash for not holding this classic upon it’s proper pedestal reserved in our hearts for those films we watched during let’s-explore-our-sexuality-sleepovers or lazy-post-Sunday-morning-Mormon-services-TV time but let’s get serious. It was a piece of crap that we all enjoyed it for what it was and now they’ve remade it into a piece of crap that a new generation will enjoy after a morning of their Judeo/Christian God telling them they’ll go to hell.
Mom: Wasn’t church great?
Zac: I’m bored with church.
Mom: But the stories are so inspiring.
Zac: I like the story of Clash of the Titans.
Mom: That’s just mythology, son. Jesus is real. Now let’s find those Easter eggs the bunny left you!
(MUST PRETEND I ONLY) KINDA WANNA
Santa Claus doesn’t visit me anymore. I haven’t waited for the great pumpkin in 20 years. If I were to lose a tooth it would cost me approximately 1,237 times my last indulgence from the Tooth Fairy.
But the Easter Bunny visits my house every year.
Now I don’t discriminate when it comes to Easter candy.
Who doesn’t love the non-dental work extracting version of intense fruit flavors…despite them having nothing to do with the fruits they are meant to imitate.
The perfect ratio of Reese’s peanut butter to Reese’s chocolate.
Thank god something gave me an excuse to dress up as a 60’s go-go girl with frosted lipstick. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should pick some of these up, lick the end a bit, and apply to your lips…just trust me…you’ll look fabulous and it will make your mother and female cousins giggle and you father squirm.)
But the best candy treat is definitely Cadbury Crème Eggs. For those of you who have been living under the proverbial vegan restaurant here’s the original commercial for them featuring the Cadbury Bunny.
When I was a little boy I ate a dozen of these goo filled gustatory atrocities. I was able to do so because no one else in my household would have them.
Who thought of this? And why? I mean look at it. It’s brown wax ovum with slime inside that mimics a raw egg. Most of the time the ooze leaks out of them making the foil nearly impossible to remove and causing electric shocks in the fillings of your back teeth.
However, like the abusive husband who I mouthed off to and therefore received the shiner I deserved, I just keep coming back every year. And here’s why.
The lion who auditions to be the bunny is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It made me laugh for hours when I first saw it. What can I say? I’m an easy laugh. Therefore, I must buy and consume this product.
NORMALLY WOULDN’T GO IF YOU PAID ME
I will admit I am, in fact, fiercely anticipating seeing The Last Song starring some blonde boy named after a fish recipe I think:
Haddock Beans, or as my boyfriend insists I call him, Hallock Beals (supposedly that’s his real name) is seen here hosing down Miss Miley “Party in the USA” Cyrus. Pete nearly drove the car off the rode when he saw the billboard for this movie and called me to tell me about him. I don’t think Pete has ever wanted to be a dirty inbred turned tween idol more.
I think the picture above is evidence enough of why a gentleman with my Wildenian inclinations would be interested in such a film. The theater will be filled with 14 year old girls, possibly their mothers, and gay men (I’ll even throw in the rare 14 year old boy and rarer still, his mother) so I’ll be in good company. If this still is from the first 15 minutes I suspect it will be the largest mass exodus seen since the Jews left The Egyptian Theater’s showing of Cleopatra.
Let it be known, I don’t want to see this movie…Pete does. Pete likes this wet boy and if I ply him with some booze and cinematic foreplay, I just might get lucky. So we’re goin’!!
Have a good weekend, pussies! Keep reaching for that rainbow!