Germaphobe Sex? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My wife and I, while having a pretty good relationship overall, do not connect on a sexual level. She has a much lower sex drive than I, and body shame coupled with germaphobia limit the range of our activities. She’s made it clear that anal intercourse is off the table (and when I told her she could ”peg” me in return there was no interest at all) but recently I’ve been obsessing about licking her asshole or having her pee on me, and I’m afraid that even confessing these desires to my germaphobe wife is going to have her thinking of me as weird, dirty, and disgusting, and not someone she can kiss or hug without thinking of how unclean I am. What do I do?
This must be a really difficult place to be. I see it a lot in my practice – both differing levels of sexual desire as well as the significant other’s reluctance to participate in activities that would turn their mate on. Try taking baby steps. Start off slowly with oral sex that does not involve her bum. Is she ok with you licking her lady parts? If that is too “dirty” or shame invoking you could use a barrier such as a dental dam or even Syran Wrap to assist in the purity factor. As you are feeling denied access to certain things, it is natural to start fantasizing about more forbidden zones. The thing is, you are married to your wife for better or for worse and part of that is respecting each other’s limitations. Everyone has fantasies whether they are obsessing over this season’s Prada heels, lasagna or even Golden Showers, sometimes you cannot get what you want. Look into counseling with a Certified Sex Therapist who is capable of walking you through these desires to reach a place that will work for both you and your wife.
Lust & Happiness,
featured image credit: cuorhome