Gimme Your Password! [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
I adore my girlfriend of six months but lately she’s been telling me I need to give her my email and Facebook passwords. When I said that I didn’t want to she accused me of being untrustworthy and secretive. I’m not hiding anything from her but I just don’t feel right about it. Should this be a deal-breaker & just get out?
Should I Run?
In our world with little to no privacy – people publicly blogging their Dear Diaries, pictures of family on Facebook, everyone’s home address a Google search away – it is important to hold onto some semblance of the personal. Sure, your girlfriend may think it is you being “untrustworthy and secretive” but really, where is HER trust? Her faith that you will not do anything to disrespect what you have together has to get in place, too. Maybe it will not. That is something you will need to feel out.
This issue is coming up more and more. There has been a big deal made about middle and high school kids sharing passwords at an attempt towards special intimacy with one another. It makes sense: what else do they have to which no one else has access? There are some adult couples that even share email addresses! However, in the case with tweens and teens, it is bound to end messy. And, more often than not, the adult couples have a lot of issues around it, as well.
Since you have discomfort with your Adored One’s demands, let her know. What is it about sharing your passwords that truly freaks you out? Think about it honestly. This could be a great opportunity to communicate what is and is not acceptable to both of you in the context of YOUR coupling. I emphasize ‘your’ because it is different for every relationship. What was perfectly understood in your last partnership may not be appropriate for this dynamic. Whether or not this is a “deal-breaker” greatly depends on where your discussion leads. If your girlfriend refuses to let it drop and consistently accuses you of withholding, you may need to exit the relationship and be with someone with whom you feel trust. It is pretty difficult to keep faith in someone’s motives when they are always filled with accusations. Most people do not want to feel as if they must walk on eggshells beside their beloved. The other way it could go is you and your GF establishing from where this mistrust stems. Maybe she has been hurt before via email indiscretions and is replaying old scenarios. Work together to try and find some middle ground on which to stand side by side. Regardless of how this plays out, you will walk away from the experience, with or with out her, knowing more about what you need and want from an intimate relationship which will greatly improve your interactions in the future.
Lust & Happiness,
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featured image credit: Bruno Santos