Girls & Guys – “Just Friends”? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My girlfriend has a few close guy friends she hangs with and I think that’s wrong. I don’t go out with any females alone – their boyfriends would get angry they’re hanging with another man. I’m pretty sure these dudes are waiting for my girl to be weak & screw her when I’m not around. I can’t get this idea out of my head & when I ask her about it she gets really pissed off and says, “We’re just friends”. This is making me crazy! I’m not OK with this. How do I make her stop? What do I do?
Crazed with Jealousy
The question of whether straight males and females can ever truly be “just friends” with no sexual tension or thoughts of wanting more has been asked through out the ages. Perhaps your instinct is correct. There are always exceptions to this but on average, the answer is NO: Guys & Girls cannot be purely platonic on both sides. Even if she believes they are “just friends” these fellows probably do see your GF as a potential mate or conquest.
However, the actual problem here is not whether or not these types of relationships are possible. You ask what to do about this situation as well as “How do I make her stop?” I have a feeling your S.O. was friends with these fellows before knowing you and will be way after you are out of her life. This jealousy is going to push her away from you; possibly into the arms of whom you most fear – those attentive male friends who have been listening to all those issues she has been having with you.
You see, by not trusting a person’s ability to fend for her self or even to be faithful, you are creating a massive rift within the context of your relationship. You are not trusting your gal to be strong enough, even in moments of weakness, to uphold the bond you two supposedly have. It sounds like you are already punishing her in terms of accusations before she has even done anything wrong. What reason does she have to remain faithful to you, now?
You are projecting your own methods on to her and others. By your logic, if you are spending time with a female, it is because you wish to get in her pants. Remember, there are other aspects of being around members of the opposite sex besides the carnal. I am not saying your attitude is wrong or right, I am merely pointing out the stance you have taken. Many share your feelings but many do not. There are innumerous platonic female-male relationships that can break through the law of averages. Keep in mind; your GF may be an exception.
Another piece of this is the idea of trying to change somebody. If she is the type of female who prefers the company of males, that is simply who your lover is. It is highly probable this is how your woman was when you met and you liked that about her. Most importantly, she believes what she is doing is right. You believe what she is doing is wrong. One of you has to concede within your own belief system or the relationship is DONE. I mean that in the sense that neither of you should simply agree with the other and then feel resentment and anger regarding changed positions. Rather, one of you will have to honestly and authentically come around to the other’s way of thinking, which is quite a feat – OR, not.
No one should be receiving grief about something as simple as hanging with her friends. Nor should anyone be in a position of fearing for his or her “territory” every time your special lady goes out with the boys. This sounds like a terribly stressful way to go about a relationship. If GF does not see your way and you do not see hers, I recommend parting ways before things get terribly ugly. This has a potential of dragging everyone down to levels (hopefully) beneath you. Do not let it go there.
Lust & Happiness,
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featured image credit: Emily Rachel Hildebrand