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Good Men Pay For Sex? [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]

Dear Dr. Miro,

Can you be a good man AND pay a woman for sex? I just found out that while I was working overseas, for a year, my husband not only went to strip clubs with his friends but also saw a prostitute and this is freaking me out.

I always thought of him as so respectful and loving, but now I see him as a monster female exploiter! Not only that but he cheated on me! He says it’s not cheating and that he loves and adores only me but I’m just confused and questioning everything that I thought was sacred in our life together.

Hurt & Confused

Dear H&C,

Of course you are hurt and feeling confused. This was not anticipated. It is understandable you would have intense feelings of inadequacy, questions regarding the “sanctity of marriage” as well as possible emerging issues of abandonment. Those are all OK to have, at this moment. Feel your feelings. Discuss with your betrothed what is so upsetting to you and try to truly hear what he says. Get it all out so that this will not continue to rear it’s ugly head. A lot of the time, couples argue about things that have nothing to do with the actual feelings that may or may not be coming up. This is more than likely triggering your attachments to each other. He may fear that you will not love him anymore while you fear that you are not good enough…

Time apart is so very difficult and it is important to acknowledge both that AND how hard it is to come back together after even a few days, let alone a year. This is tricky territory. If you feel the two of you cannot traverse it in a grown-up, hear each other out and get over it manner, PLEASE consider enlisting the assistance of a Couple’s Counselor who is educated in regards to the sex industry.

But in answer to your question: YES! Yes, you can most definitely be a “good man” and pay a woman, or anyone else for that matter, for sexual services. In fact, if you can attempt to remove your hurt emotions, for just a moment, from the reality of the situation, this is the best thing your husband could have possibly done for your relationship. By keeping his desires met on a purely business transaction level, he was preventing any type of emotional bonding with another woman. From what you wrote, it sounds as if he was maintaining his physical needs while retaining his deep feelings for you. Paying for sex does not imply exploitation if everyone is on board with the deal. Enlisting the services of a Sex Worker strikes me as the most respectful measure your hubby could have taken, given the circumstances. That does not change the fact that you feel cheated. Explore those feelings with him and on your own. Re-frame and view this is an opportunity for incredible growth and closeness in your relationship.

Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro

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featured image credit: Ken Yonekura