Hallmark CEO Says Love Is A Privilege, Should Be Privatized [Daily News Brief]

Kansas City, MO – Tuesday
By Joshua Mauldin

Following the lead of Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck’s notion that water should be privatized, Hallmark CEO Horatio Alton included human emotions denoting affection, loyalty and compassion as privileges better left managed by corporate interests. “Look at all the love we waste in the United States alone. Unrequited feelings for one’s partner. Selfless generosity for ungrateful children. Heck, the amount of endearment exhausted on cats is proof enough that people cannot be trusted to dispense of love effectively.”

Alton’s remarks come on the eve of Hallmark’s new lobbying effort to anoint itself as the only qualified arbiter of adoration. “We’ve put in place a fee-for-service paradigm that maximizes offering and acceptance ratios, coordinates infatuation, outlaws feline domesticity and guarantees efficient distribution of sentiment, fondness and gratitude.” If adopted into law, citizens will be required to consult with Hallmark representatives prior to expressions of positivity, as well as purchase all forms of said expressions through Hallmark and Hallmark-related subsidiaries. “We’re proud to be at the forefront of ending the socialist stranglehold on affection through loving, government-mandated free market privatization schemes.”

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