Happy Ending? – Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class
Dear Dr. Miro,
My husband has back issues and has been going to a chiropractor for a few years now. At least that’s what I thought. I found an email where he is recommending to a colleague “a happy ending place” he likes and even wrote how “Your wife will never know.” What exactly is “a happy ending place”? Am I right to assume he’s actually been getting jerked off at these “therapeutic” appointments? I’m totally devastated and don’t know what to do. Am I such a bad lover that he has to go outside our marriage? Am I jumping the gun by assuming this is sexual?
Sincerely,
No Happy Endings For Me…
Dear NHEFM,
You are correct in assuming a Happy Ending place is sexual. Basically it is an illegal massage parlor tailored to giving men sexual release under the auspices of a relaxing massage. Technically, when all is said and done, it is a relaxing massage!
Please keep in mind that this is not a reflection of your erotic skills, but since I do not actually know what goes on in and out of the bedroom in your marital life, I cannot comment on whether you are a “bad lover.” Many people find the idea of an impersonal and ‘professional’ sexual interaction a major turn on and do not see it as cheating, per se. This is because of a belief, held by some, that with no emotional connection, it is a business transaction, and therefore a safe outlet in which nothing unfaithful is occurring.
Unfortunately, something unfaithful IS occurring since he has been lying to you. This has most likely shattered your belief in everything he tells you. The fact that your husband has been blatantly untruthful to you is a terrible breach of trust. You have every right to be upset and hurt. You have been supportive of him getting his “treatments” and it is most certainly must be devastating to discover things were not as presented. You would be upset if you found out he was going to a pub every week instead of the chiropractor and lying about that, too. But when sex is involved, suddenly things become a lot, um, stickier.
There is obviously something your husband needs that he is not finding in his life, but again, that is not necessarily a reflection on you, or an inadequacy on your part. There are a couple of choices for right: 1) Simply ignore it and pretend like it never happened. Then it can bubble and boil inside of you until you cannot stand it anymore and explode on him in a really unhealthy manner. OR, 2) you can let him know that the jig is up. Tell him his lying is unacceptable and must stop. Ask what it is he feels is lacking in his life. Stick to commenting on his behavior and NOT him as a person. Let him know how crushed you are by the betrayal without resorting to name-calling. Find out if there is a way to heal your hurting heart without spite and mean accusations.
He will either be really defensive or full of guilt, shame and projections about what a terrible person he is – possibly both. This is why I strongly recommend talking this out, together, in a safe space with a couple’s counselor present. I do not want this to get framed as a sex addiction scenario or an insufficient wife type situation, so you will have to carefully select a qualified professional who does not hold those types of biases.
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
featured image credit: Fuschia Foot