![I Seem to be Having Technical Difficulties…With Life [California Seething]](http://fierceandnerdy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Cal-Seething-October-22-YoungWendy.jpg)
I Seem to be Having Technical Difficulties…With Life [California Seething]
Now that I’m officially over 40, it’s easy to blame my age for the fact that I’m totally out of touch with movies, music, television, fashion, food, fragrances, technology, culture, comic books, candy and internet memes (BTW- I love being over the hill. Going downhill is so much easier on the knees.) Look, I’ve long since come to terms with the fact that I’m not part of the super-sexy 18-24 year old Proactiv, Pepsi Max, eSurance demographic with their big budget summer blockbusters based on Hasbro toys and Wendy’s ads starring Spunky Millennial Pseudo-Wendy who has a bizarre obsession with introducing Wendy’s into every conceivable social scenario (“Hey guys, you know what this Holocaust Memorial Service needs? A BACONATOR”). This obsession will someday alienate all of her Spunky Millennial Pals and she’ll end up choking to death on a Frosty alone in her Smart Car. I now have to come to terms with the fact that I’m not part of the big-spending 25-39 
Corona Light, Ford truck, State Farm demographic with their feel-good rom-coms starring, oh, let’s say, Reese Witherspoon, and Wendy’s commercials featuring Authentic Real Life Wendy whose matronly curves tell the sad true story of square burgers, non-dairy frozen treats and an ever slowing metabolism (take heed Spunky Millennial Pseudo-Wendy! Beware the Revenge of the Baconator! You skinny bitch.) That’s right- in the last two weeks, I’ve officially been “promoted” to the Hoverround, Disposable Catheter, Colonial Penn Life Insurance demographic with inspiring movies about how Meryl Streep still gets her freak on with Tommy Lee Jones and Clint Eastwood was a shitty dad because he liked baseball and yelled at furniture. Also, my doctor won’t let me eat Wendy’s since my arteries have been Baconated. Seriously, I’ve gone past the Match.com demographic and the eHarmony demographic and am now in the TheresAVerySlimChanceYouWontDieAloneInYourHouseAndHaveYourFaceChewedOffByCats.com demo (aka OurTime.com) Thank fucking God I got married before I completely fell to shit.
So here’s just one brief example of something that makes me feel old, cranky and out of touch (SPOILER ALERT: Yeah, it’s not that brief.) (ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT: Yeah, I’ve been feeling old and out of touch since I was 24 and went back to my old campus for a Ramones show and sprained both my ankles in the mosh pit. I limped away sadly for I knew at that moment that I would never slamdance again. It was as though the KKK had taken my baby way since I would Blitzkrieg Bop… no more. Still life goes on, unless you’re one of the Ramones so hey, ho let’s get on with this fucking post already)
Voicemail Systems That Make You Say Talk to a Computer To Get What You Want And Are Worse Than Osama Bin Laden
Look, we didn’t know how good we had it in the 90’s. A world at peace – pretty much (Balkans Shmalkans- close enough), unprecedented prosperity (I mean I was living off the change on my dresser, but my crazy-rich .com friends got me all sorts of awesome wedding presents, so I win in the long run because my margarita glasses are now worth more than their stock options) and, best of all, dressing terribly was not only acceptable – it was encouraged! Torn jeans, scruffy facial hair, flannel and t-shirts – it was a golden age for the lazy and neglectful. With Ethan Hawke as my style guru, I could show up to a job interview in a filthy Israeli Coca-Cola t-shirt and feel totally confident and perfectly dressed. I mean, sure, I wouldn’t actually get the job- but I didn’t care. I was way too ironic and disaffected for that job anyway, man. Let Ben Stiller have it with his stupid short haircut and tie. I’m a fuckin’ poet, man.
Aside from a suicide cult with no taste in Nikes and a President with no taste in the women he chose for extramarital relations there was very little bad news to report in the 90’s (“Because it’s there” – good reason to climb Everest. Bad reason to poke an intern.) So what was the worst hardship we faced in the 90’s? The worst of the worst of our First World White People Problems? Well it wasn’t the slow dial up internet which made masturbation less Dessert Storm and more Vietnam (If Bill Clinton had DSL he might never have been impeached. I mean, he’s a busy man- he can’t spend all 10 Free Hours he got with his new AOL CD-ROM at ChunkyJAPSattheGAP.com or RealSlutsoftheArkansasHighwayPatrol.com – he’s got banks to deregulate! GOD I LOVE THAT MAN.) And it wasn’t the proliferation of sitcoms about daughters being raised by random combinations of single men (Full House, My Two Dads, Your Mom Was a Ho- Who’s Your Dad? We Don’t Know!), Slobodan Milosevic or Matthew Perry (at least Milosevic can’t make a comeback. Perry is still free to 
commit genocide on Funny.) No, the worst problem we faced in the 90’s – the most annoying thing the world could throw at us was Voicemail. Every comic from Dilbert to Cathy had one, if not more, strips featuring the “Press 1 for this option”, “Press 2 for that option”, “Press 3 for some other option” – “Press 4 for a really wacky option that makes some sort cutting joke about how the character’s insecurities like the fact that she’s too fat or in debt or her boyfriend won’t commit to marriage or her mom always second guesses her or SOMETHING ELSE SUPER WACKY THAT MAKES THE CHARACTER SAY “ACK!” gag (LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Dilbert and Cathy totally hooked up at TGI Fridays during an awkward goodbye party for a temp who was going to work for her roommate’s internet startup PinkFloralTampons4U.com and then dated for 3 months until Cathy broke up with Dilbert screaming “if you think my ass is too big, I wish you’d just tell me!” and then ran out of his apartment in tears. He’s still not really sure what happened. He just knows that every time he comes into the break room when she’s already in there she says “Excuse me” a little too loudly and storms back to her desk sobbing with her Lean Cuisine Butternut Squash Ravioli and then spends the afternoon drowning her sorrows in Red Vines and listening to the Adele Pandora channel.) Anyhow, Voicemail made us CRAZY in the 90’s- there was nothing we hated more than dialing a number on our enormous cel phones only to be confronted with an utterly baffling array of numbers and menus and instructions. We had no idea how much worse things would get in the new millennium.
These days, we yearn for the simpler era of jizz covered dresses and NowThatsTheWorstIdeaForAWebsiteThatIveEverHeard.coms. Endless war, struggling economy, MATTHEW FUCKING PERRY STILL NOT DEAD – we live in difficult times. And while technology has certainly made our lives better in many ways (masturbation is now like Granada!) it has also made our lives worse in many significant ways- the most notable of these being Voicemail Systems that Make You Talk to a Computer to Get What You Want And Are Worse Than Osama Bin Laden.
I’m sure that the geniuses who came up with this system had the best of intentions. They probably read all the Cathy and Dilbert strips on the subject of voicemail systems (those crazy kids belong together. Irving’s no good for her. Plus he’s gay.) and decided they could do better. I mean, they weren’t actually going to hire a real human being to answer the phones, that’s just crazy talk, but maybe they could do the next best thing by inviting callers to chat with a sexy, robotic Star Trek style chick voice so they could get what they want without all that meddlesome button pushing. They probably thought:
- It’ll be more user-friendly
- It’ll be more intuitive
- It’ll be just like talking to a real live person!
The trouble is:
- They were wrong
- They were stupid
- They were wrong
Because every time I talk to one of these godforsaken systems I’m always fooled in the beginning by thinking it’s actually a real person and I always end up yelling “PERSONPERSONPERSONPERSONPERSONPERSONPERSON” at the top of my lungs and then swearing profusely. Case in point- the 3 phone calls below:
Call 1: October 19, 2012, 8:30 PM, Eric Sims phone call to Time Warner Cable
Time Warner Voice: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable
Eric: Yeah, Hi, listen my internet’s not…
Time Warner Voice: If you have a question about your bill please say “Billing”
Eric: Right, fucking voicemail
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. If you have a question about your bill please say “Billing” now. If you are experiencing technical difficulties please say “tech support” now.
Eric (mumbling): Tech Support
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. If you have a question about you bill
Eric: TECH. SUPPORT
Time Warner Voice: Did you say Tech Support?
Eric: Yes
Time Warner Voice: OK. I can help you with that.
Eric: Great- so all the lights are blinking on the modem but we’re not getting
Time Warner Voice: Before we get started, please locate your modem.
Eric: Yeah, I’m standing right in front of it.
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you said. Have you located your modem?
Eric: YES.
Time Warner Voice: Is your modem currently powered on?
Eric: YES
Time Warner Voice: Good. Please locate the power source at the rear of the modem.
Eric: OK
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you said. Have you located the power source at the rear of the modem?
Eric: YES.
Time Warner Voice: Good. Please unplug the modem and plug it back in.
Eric: I’ve already reset the modem five times that’s not the problem
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Have you located the power source at the rear of the modem?
Eric: I’ve already reset it five
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Have you located the modem?
Eric: Can I please talk to a person?
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you said. Did you say “Tech Support”?
Eric: I want to talk to a person.
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to have some trouble understanding you. If you have a question about your bill, please say “billing”
Eric: Person. Person. Person. Person.
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to have
Eric: PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON!!!!!
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry
Eric: PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON!!!!!
Time Warner Voice: Goodbye. (hangs up)
Eric: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Call 2: October 19, 2012, 8:35 PM, Eric Sims phone call to Time Warner Cable
Time Warner Voice: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable
Eric: Your welcome
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. If you have a question about your bill please say “Billing” now. If you are experiencing technical difficulties please say “tech support” now.
Eric: Tech Support
Time Warner Voice: Did you say Tech Support?
Eric: Yes
Time Warner Voice: OK. I can help you with that. Please locate your modem.
Eric: I want to talk to a person, please.
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry, I don’t understand that. Have you located your modem?
Eric: I’d like to please talk to a person please.
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry, I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Did you say tech support?
Eric: PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON!!!!!
Time Warner Voice: Goodbye. (hangs up)
Eric: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
Call 3: October 19, 2012, 8:38 PM, Eric Sims phone call to Time Warner Cable
Time Warner Voice: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable
Eric: PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON PERSON!!!!!
Time Warner Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Did you say you wanted to speak to a representative?
Eric: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time Warner Voice: OK. Please hold for a moment while I transfer you.
Eric: Thank you!
(One moment or 60 – 75 minutes later)
Time Warner Representative: Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable. This is “John” speaking. How may I help you?
Eric: “John” – thank god! Listen, I’m having some trouble with my internet connection.
“John”: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. I can certainly assist you with that problem.
Eric: Great!
“John”: Are you in front of the modem now?
Eric: Yes.
“John”: OK. Thank you. Is your modem currently powered on?
Eric: Yeah, it’s on. I’ve checked that and I tried rebooting
“John”: OK. Thank you. Please locate the power source at the rear of the modem.
Eric: Alright, but I already reset it 5 times and it still isn’t working
“John”: I’m so sorry to hear that. I can certainly assist you with that problem. Can you please locate the power source at the rear of the modem?
Eric: Yeah alright, but I already reset it
“John”: Please unplug your modem and plug it back in.
Eric: But I already did that five times and it still isn’t working.
“John”: Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can certainly assist you with that problem. Please unplug your modem and plug it back in.
Eric: No, listen, I already did that and it’s still now working.
“John”: Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can certainly assist you with that problem. Have you located the power source at the rear of the modem?
Eric: YES. But listen, I already
“John”: Good. Now unplug the modem and plug it back in.
Eric: BUT I ALREADY DID AND IT’S STILL NOT WORKING.
“John”: Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can certainly assist you with that problem. Please unplug your modem
Eric: I ALREADY DID THAT LIKE FIVE FUCKING TIMES AND IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING WORKING
“John”: I’m sorry. I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Goodbye (hangs up)
Eric: FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
So, hey it turns out that I’m not only incapable of dealing with Voicemail Systems That Make You Talk to a Computer To Get What You Want and are Worse Than Osama Bin Laden – I’m also incapable of dealing with Offshore Call Centers Full of Total and Complete Morons Named “John” and “Betsy” and are Worse Than Osama Bin Laden. Neat! Goody Goody Gumdrops for me. Now my internet doesn’t work, my blood pressure is through the roof and I feel like a total Ugly American Asshole for yelling at “John” in addition to feeling old and out of touch for not being able to cope with the situation. Oh well, if he can’t learn to talk American right, he should just go back to India. Oh wait…
Of course there’s all sorts of stuff that makes me feel old and out of touch. Like pumpkin. Just because it’s October why does everything have to taste like Pumpkin? Trader Joe’s this month has Pumpkin Soup, Pumpkin Chai, Greek Pumpkin Yogurt, Pumpkin Chocolate Mousse Cake, Pumpkin Macaroons, Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats, Pumpkin Butter, Pumpkin Spiced Granola, Pumpkin Pancake and Waffle Mix, Pumpkin Ale, Honey Roasted Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Bread Mix, Pumpkins and Pumpkin Spice Coffee. It’s out of control. You know what’s a good flavor for coffee? Coffee. Fucking coffee is the best fucking flavor for coffee. I mean, as I understand it, the only reason we give a crap about pumpkins on Halloween is that we carve scary faces into them and put the outside our houses with candles inside- not because we actually want to eat the slimy goop inside- that shit just gets thrown in the trash. Thank god we don’t make Jack O’ Lanterns out of monkey balls- because I don’t think I could choke down Monkey Ball Ravioli with an ice cold glass of Monkey Ball Ale.
And when did we as a society decide that Rednecks were funny and loveable instead of freaky and disturbing? I hadn’t realized that TLC changed their slogan to “We’ll make you squeal like a little piggy-WITH LAUGHTER!” And what the hell is a “Mumford and Sons”? And why does everybody like Zombies so much? Everyone’s dressing like Zombies, walking like Zombies, running like Zombies- I mean if I wanted to shuffle around in torn up clothes like a brain dead idiot, I’d just go back to SUNY Albany in 1995. Which, come to think of it, would be awesome-so I guess I can totally see the appeal of being a Zombie! Though I don’t see the appeal of eating brains especially during October, cause they’d all be Pumpkin Spice Brains
On the other hand, just because I’m not that young any more doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to be cranky and out of touch. Hell, my 95 year old grandfather was on Facebook. He was so cool, we even Skyped into his funeral- how badass is that? And it was the best Skype call ever. You can keep your “one day’s supply of oil lasting for eight days” – a Skype Video Call from a mobile hotspot at a cemetery that lasted for over an hour without freezing or losing the connection on either end- now that’s a miracle! Maybe I should be asking God for help with my internet connection.
Eric: God?
Eric: Hey, God?
(Thunder and lighting. The sky opens up. A mighty voice is heard)
Mighty Voice: Thank you for calling God. To repent for your sins please say “repent” now. To plead for divine intervention please say “miracle” now.
Eric: GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD!!!!
Mighty Voice: I’m sorry. I seem to be having some trouble understanding you. Did you say you wanted to speak to God?
Eric: YES
Mighty Voice: OK. Please hold while I transfer you.
(60 – 75 minutes later)
God: Thank you for calling, this is “God”. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties. Have you located the power source at the rear of the modem?
Divine offshoring??? FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
You are the modern Andy Rooney Mr. Sims! Not sure if that came off like the compliment it was intended to be… Nevermind, scratch that. You are flat out hysterical. Loved the column!
Thanks! I’ll take it as a compliment. I’m a praise whore.