I Want MORE! [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
If someone has a higher sex drive than their partner, what should they do? I want to screw all the time and my boyfriend (we’ve been together a year) seems happy with twice a week, maybe. I constantly feel horny for him but he thinks there’s something wrong with me and jokes that women aren’t supposed to need that much sex. I love him and don’t want other men (or women) but I’m frustrated and am starting to feel like he’s not attracted to me which is not helpful for my self-image. HELP!
Veruca S. McNympho
The idea that we are all supposed to have the same levels of sexual desire is what is wrong. It is extremely rare to have precisely the same libido as your partner. What you are describing is called Discrepancy of Sexual Desire. It simply means that one partner has more, or less, of a sex drive than his or her partner. There are no limits to how much (or little) sex women, or men, are “supposed” to “need”. This is truly up to each individual person.
It is understandable you would be affected by your significant other’s opinions. After all, he is obviously a very important person in your life. However, he may be extremely attracted to your loveliness and just not have as strong a sex-drive, as you. Has your man given you any reasons to feel less attractive other than not sharing your libido levels? This may be your own self-esteem issues playing out. I recommend examining your needs and desires in relation to what you expect your lover to provide. He cannot be held responsible for your insecurities any more than you his. Understand there is NOTHING inherently wrong with either of you based solely upon your preferred sex schedule.
It is fabulous you still desire your partner but I am rather concerned by his need to label you “wrong”. When we discuss food intake, some of the stigmas associated with sex, disperse. For example, say you are ravenous and want a big steak and potatoes dinner one evening and your beau is not hungry. Would that cause much conflict? Most likely the answer is, NO. You simply take care of yourself. Make sure you get that juicy steak while he either has a light meal or skips it. Either way, if he can sit down with you during the devouring, there will still be a mealtime bond.
Now, let us apply that to our sex lives! If you are feeling particularly randy, let your boyfriend know, without any pressure, your need to take care of yourself. Self Pleasure to the rescue!! He has a few options here: either respect your alone time or join you but, more importantly, there is no need for him to feel as if he MUST partake. That performance pressure can, in and of itself, kill a person’s desire. It is possible that when relieved of the stress to satisfy your desires combined with watching you be a gorgeous sexual creature capable of satiating yourself, he may want to jump in on the action! That being said, if your desire levels are this different at Year One in the relationship, and you do not feel comfortable with the above suggestions, you may have to find a partner better suited to your sexual drive. If that is the case, I recommend a person who does not believe there is something inherently wrong with you.
Lust & Happiness,
featured image credit: Nina Matthews Photography