Insecure Beauty: [Ask Dr. Miro (What You Didn't Learn In Health Class)]

Dec 13, 2011 2 Comments by

Dear Dr. Miro,

I think my new girlfriend is really insecure. It doesn’t make any sense because she’s gorgeous, sexy & brilliant. Is it possible for me to get her feeling better about herself or is this a big red flag that I need to pay attention to by cutting my losses.

Sincerely,
Shirley She’ll Change

Dear SSC,

No matter how much love and encouragement you give, a gal (or anyone, really) has to find self esteem within her own person. Sure, you will be able to assist her in gaining some feelings of security but there will always be that burden of proof upon you. If being gorgeous, sexy and brilliant was not enough for her innate feelings of worthiness, how are you going to help? Be careful she does not take you down with her in a crazed spiral of not being good enough. It sounds like you know what to do with this crimson flag. Pay attention to your instinct. Those lost, insecure, souls of the world are so easy to love and so difficult to untangle from when it is no longer fun. Perhaps you should consider adopting a shelter dog if you want to improve a gorgeous creatures life.

Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro

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featured image credit: Etna’s Chamber

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About the author

As a Doctorate of Human Sexuality, Sex Therapist and Professor of Human Sexuality, Dr. Miro Gudelsky is an expert in sex. Based in Manhattan with offices in both New York City and Los Angeles, she maintains a sex-positive perspective in all her endeavors.
  • http://fierceandnerdy.com Ernessa T. Carter

    As an occasionally (okay, often) insecure person I’d add 1) If you’re not a nurturer by nature, you probably don’t want to date someone insecure. It really is a bottomless pit. And 2) if you really don’t want to dump her, look for signs that she actually can cope with her insecurities on her own. There’s a huge difference between being insecure on the surface (oh no, I’m afraid I won’t get that promotion, I’m scared I’m never going make it, I feel like I’m just not good enough to do x, y, or z) and being strong at the core (I’m scared, but I’m still going to fight for that promotion, I’m going to keep on trying to make it, and I’m going to pursue x,y, and z no matter how ‘not good enough’ I feel). 

    At the end of the day, I love my husband for being the most reassuring soul on earth, but I climb out of my own pits. If your GF needs your help every time, dump her before she becomes to co-dependent on you. 

    • DoctorMiro

      Thank you for those excellent points, Ernessa!

      Those are two VERY different forms of insecurity. One is completely understandable and acceptable: verbally announcing what worries you. The other is an utter “black hole” of help. In fact, by constantly re-affirming an insecure person you become somewhat of an enabler.

Current Mood: TUNNELING THROUGH

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