Is your Eye Shadow Color Choice Holding you Back? Yes! [HorroR Stories]

Mme. HR,

My manager called me into her office and told me that unless I started dressing nicer and wearing my hair and makeup in a more conservative style, then I wouldn’t get very far in this company. I am a good performer, probably the best in my department, and feel that whether or not I’m promoted should depend on my performance, not what color of eye shadow I’m wearing. What should I do? I’m thinking of finding a different job at another company.

–Not an Ugly Duckling

Dear Ducky,

I think most people would be surprised how often things like this happen in corporate America nowadays. It’s discouraging to be sure. So, do you change your eye shadow or not? This is a tough one. Sure, I think we’d all like to believe that we can be judged on our work alone and that appearances have nothing to do with how we are perceived or promoted in the workplace. However, like most things in life, it’s sadly not the case.  There is a very common idea out there that to be successful you have to dress the part. Hell, at Bain Capital you had to wear a black suit and a red tie to work your way to the top. Sometimes no matter how smart or competent we may be, it’s hard for most to look past the mono-brow to the brain beneath it. To even go further with the point, I think this is how a lot of incompetent people rise to the top, they know how to look the part and play the game and that’s a different kind of smarts that sometimes will get you further.

As with most things in the working world, the degree to which this happens depends on the industry you work in. Some industries are very specific to dress codes and body types, etc. Just think about flight attendants. I remember a few years ago someone sued because they either were fired or weren’t hired because they were 20 pounds overweight. The airline industry had all sorts of arguments as to why their flight attendants had to be blond, twenty years old and weigh 115. But I’m pretty sure they lost that one in court and while, Yay, a victory for the sisterhood! I’m wondering how much really changed. I’m wondering if the chubby girl ever got promoted to head-flight attendant, or ever got the plum routes.

If you were sitting in my office right now complain—sorry—telling me about how your boss said this to you, this is how I would handle it. (This is one of those cases where I bet you are going to be disappointed by what I say. Employees always empower HR with all sorts of magical make-the-problem-go-away super powers. Alas, this is not usually the case.)

First I would talk to you about your relationship with your manager. Because, frankly, I’m kind of wondering what her motives are. Is she a vindictive bitch? Did this topic come up in the context of a larger conversation about your performance or your career path? Or was it: “How about them presidential debates? Oh, by the way, you’re ugly. Obama says you’re UGLY. U-G-L-Y- you ain’t got no alibi! You’re ugly!” I would think about what I know about your boss. Is she one of those types who play the dumb pretty girl strategy to the hilt? Does she have assets (if you know what I mean) and is not afraid to use them? My thinking here is twofold. Is this a precursor to a much bigger problem that is brewing in her department, or is it an innocent comment from someone who believes she is helping you? Maybe life and big breasts have taught her certain lessons about how she has gotten ahead in the world and she is trying to share some of that knowledge with you. I’m not excusing her behavior; I’m just trying to figure out how big of a problem this actually is.

OK, now that we’ve talked about your boss, let’s talk about you. Here is the #1 HR Manager’s question when it comes to dealing with what they call “employee relations”: What would you like me to do about it? Other versions of this question include: What result would you like from this situation? Or my favorite: “Why the heck are you in my office?” Because, as I’ve said before, employees hate HR, yet here you are sitting across from me, wearing your purple eye shadow.

Here’s a secret: there really isn’t a lot I can do in this situation. I can’t change society. I can’t make life fair. I can’t make people be nice. Here’s another secret: there really isn’t a lot YOU can do in this situation.

OK, I know, I’m avoiding the elephant in the middle of the room. There is a question just hovering on everyone’s lips out there that I haven’t addressed yet: Is this legal?

Yes…no…maybe…who cares? Let’s say it’s not legal for your boss to say these things to you. Ok, so you go out there and you get yourself a lawyer and she writes a nice long indignant note on scented baby blue stationery. Ok, so now you are out about $500 and the legal department at your company is passing the letter around getting a little chuckle. They’re thinking to themselves: “Ok, so?” What are the damages so far? Your ego? Your pride? Maybe you’re a little embarrassed? Nothing has really happened yet, it’s not like you were passed over for promotion, or you were suddenly given all the crappy leads or tasks or whatever. In theory this falls under the whole “discrimination” bubble which usually means that you are being held back because you’re in some sort of protected class (of which “tasteless” is not one). But that’s ok, I bet if you really could prove that Janie in the cubicle next to you got promoted over you because her makeup tends more toward the taupe shades than yours, you probably would have a case. Maybe…probably—but that’s a long bitter road to go down.

The other question you are all thinking? Can they make me wear a different color of eye shadow?

Yes! Unless you are wearing purple eye shadow due to religious beliefs or some other reason related to either a protected class or a disability accommodation (crazy, color-blind and tasteless are not covered by the ADA—wait, crazy kind of is, so I supposed if you are wearing purple eye shadow because you are deranged enough to think it is fashionable, then you might be able to ask for an accommodation). Companies are allowed to have these things called “dress codes” and can enforce them! They can include stupid shit like eye shadow color. And while this doesn’t really make sense from a common sense or employee morale angle, doesn’t mean they won’t do it.  It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. Can they fire you? Sure! Will they? It depends, companies do crazy shit all the time, but I’d be surprised if they did.

So back to my question above: What would you like me to do about it? Do you want me to talk to her? Sure, I can do that, tell her to be more sensitive, tell her not to say things like that to her employees. Great, doesn’t mean she’s not still thinking it, or that when that plum promo opens up, her unconscious impression of you isn’t going to factor into her decision. Do you want me to transfer you to a different department? OK, but that doesn’t guarantee you a solid gold career path either. Some people might be a little wary of that, who knows? Some managers might think you’re a trouble-maker. And they might hate purple eye shadow more than your last boss did. I can’t control what they think. Do you want me to promote you? No, sorry, can’t do that. You need to decide how personally you are going to take this, how mad you’re going get. Let me know what you decide.

No matter what your answer to my question above is, I’m probably still going to go talk to her or her boss. And I’m not necessarily going to tell you that I’m talking to her (and I’m definitely not going to tell you what I’m going to say.) I feel that I need to make a couple of points. First, if she is basing all of her staffing decisions on hair and makeup then she is an idiot. Unless you are in the modeling industry, I’m not sure how she can hope to succeed with such a strategy. I’m just saying. It’s stupid. Stop doing it. The other thing I would say is to not give advice to employees on their appearance. No matter what her motives, she isn’t winning any loyalty there, it’s not worth it. Stop doing it.

This all makes me think about a company I used to work for where things like this happened in SPADES. We were a bank and I noticed that the Branch Managers would only hire pretty girls, while if they interviewed an ugly girl (or a girl that didn’t fit their very specific definition of what “pretty” was), they would send her over to the back office operations department.  I finally confronted a manager about it and she explained that the customers only line up at the windows of the pretty tellers. She said it’s a problem, and they try and direct the traffic, but some customers are insistent and then the lines get long and everyone is pissed off. So I explained to her why this was bad (and yes, perhaps even illegal) and she nodded her head and thanked me and then proceeded to hire all the pretty little tellers she could find.

And yes, this is wrong! I hate, hate, hate it. And yes, I can tell the Chief Banking Officer till the cows come home about how this is not a great practice and we are creating some risk by having this unofficial policy. Guess what? They don’t care. Companies don’t always do the right thing. Don’t believe me? Where have you been like, forever? They want to make their customers happy, and cute young little Minnie Mouses make the customers happy. Plus, we’re hiring the ugly ones in back office where they are hidden away like little Quasimodo’s in their tiny cubicles in the basement. So we’re ok, right? Sure! Whoopee! Yay company! Yay America!

Bottom line, it sucks that your manager said this. Even worse that she probably meant it. You have some choices:

Do you wait it out? Be patient and see if your excellent performance does start to overshadow your horrid eye shadow or take the chance that it won’t and you’re stuck on the same gerbil wheel for eternity.

Do you change your eye shadow? Give in to the group think and sell your purple eye shadow loving soul to the evil corporate demons and become one of the drones lining up for promotion? Keep in mind you’re still not guaranteed a promotion, even with conservative brown tones.

Or, do you leave? Go to a different company with a more casual culture, maybe a tech company where they’re just happy if you show up wearing pants in the morning. That would show ‘em! They’d lose their self-proclaimed best performer all because the manager is an idiot! When was the last time that happened? The job market is getting better, no matter what Jack Welch says, so maybe you should look. I can’t make that decision for you, because, as I’ve said before, sometimes it’s better to stick with the crazy you know. But that would involve getting over it, and who wants to do that? Not me! Well, I don’t know, maybe me! To put a finer point on it, you can’t control what they think, only what you think.

Don’t forget to send your questions! You can leave them in the comments, or email them to askHorroR@gmail.com