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It’s All About the Carnaval! [Tall Glass of Shame]

By the time you read this, I will be midway into my first trip abroad in years… Yes dear readers, Zack is finally getting his gringo butt to Rio De Janeiro! With my future husband leading the way, I am off to see Carnaval, meet the family, lay on some beaches and probably get a bit of a sunburn.

My strange fascination with Brazil started years ago. I was in geography class in 5th grade and they were assigning countries for each student to prepare an oral presentation. I of course wanted France, as I had always fancied myself an aloof french elitist, but instead I was pegged with the arduous task of discovering Brazil. I knew almost nothing about the place besides maybe having heard of their penchant for skimpy clothing. After some serious investigation, the purchase of one “Brazilian Classics 2″ cassette tape (Which allowed me to learn all the words to Gal Costa’s “Festa Do Interior”) a massive sum of poster-board for painting a large scale replica of the Christ The Redeemer statue, and countless images of feathered breasts later, I was ready to present what I had learned. I spouted off figures about Coffee export, populations and city names, a summation of the celebration of Carnaval and after unleashing all my basic knowledge I gave a final passionate speech about the colors, plant life, and vibrant people that inhabit this amazingly huge and diverse nation. Who knew that about twenty years later I’d meet a Brazilian guy and fall in love? (Oh yeah, and I got an A+)

Now, I am on a mission to meet the family and though I have had a simple education in all the bad things to say in Portuguese, I am finding the words to communicate to a Mother a bit more daunting. I can’t very well say to the woman “Sapateia Bicha Feia!” which translates to “Tap Dance away you ugly fag!” You have to love when you learn all the bitchy things from your husband’s friends and yet none of it is immediately useful. I am sure on my flight there I will have pulled out my dictionary and pieced together enough to say a simple “You have a lovely home” or maybe “Thank you Mrs. Vieira, that was delicious!” Dear God do not let me slip and say something off color, my vocabulary is packed with bad words in her native tongue.

While I love my man’s crazy Brazilian friends, I especially love when they share videos like the following one with me: A video of some Beyonce crazed gay guy electrocuting himself slightly while dancing around his apartment.

Maybe that video gives you an idea why the first words I learn in Portuguese would be gay slang? I know at some point during our stay we will be going to see the craziest drag queen in Rio perform: Suzy Brazil. She is strange, not so pretty, and I must say even if you don’t speak the language she still comes across as damn funny. Here she is impersonating the beloved Gal Costa.

Now, while this trip’s focus is on meeting friends and family, I must say I couldn’t be more excited to finally set my sights on Carnaval. The mother of all parties is sure to be a feast for the eyes and senses, I hope I make it out in one piece! Here’s a great quick look into the history and happenings of Carnaval in Rio!

Finally, I wanted to share the most gorgeous video of Rio I have seen. It was made to promote the Olympics in 2016… I guess we’ll have to go back for that too!

After I return and unwind from the fun in the sun I will have to fill you all in on how it went. Hopefully I don’t manage to alienate myself by saying something inappropriate some cousin tells me to say to everyone. If you all are good, I may even bring you back a skimpy bikini, but we’ll have to see if there is room since every friend of mine seems to want me to bring back a hot brazilian guy for them! Maybe this time i’ll remember to cut some air holes in the luggage before I travel…

featured image credit: OLD SKOOL Cora