Justice Department To Declare Boston Bombing Suspect “Intergalactic Alien” To Avoid Legal Objections [Daily News Brief]

Washington, DC – Monday
By Joshua Mauldin

A Justice Department official announced this morning that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the nineteen-year-old suspected of carrying out the marathon bombings in Boston last week, will be declared an Intergalactic Alien. The announcement comes as a response to criticism of the department’s denial of Miranda Rights for Tsarnaev. “We understand the constitutional problems in withholding certain rights for naturalized citizens, no matter how dispicable,” said the official, “and we’re tired of ignoring military treaty regulations that prevent us from coercively interrogating enemy combatants. We’ve decided to classify him in a way that best absolves us from legal ramifications.”

Declaring Tsarnaev an Intergalactic Alien allows the Justice Department to forgo all forms of due process and hold the suspect without charges indefinitely, under any conditions it so chooses. “Do you remember that scene in Independence Day when Will Smith punched that slimy alien bastard in the face? No one objected to that. All we’re doing in this case is welcoming Tsarnaev to Earth.” When asked if making exceptions to constitutional protections whenever they feel like it waters a citizen’s right down to a suggestion, the official shrugged. “Probably, who cares? Google ‘Patriot Act’ and see how interested this country is in that question.”

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