Let Us Raise A (Dry Piece Of) Toast In Honor Of The Queen! [A Tall Glass of Shame] Jun07

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Let Us Raise A (Dry Piece Of) Toast In Honor Of The Queen! [A Tall Glass of Shame]

There have been entirely too many Jubilees lately if you ask me. Just a few weeks back we had the Silverlake Jubilee, where your wallet got to be gouged to watch a crappy friend’s band play in the middle of an LA street and people tried to sell you homemade crap you don’t need like “Fish Whistles.” Sadly your girlfriend talked you into buying that overpriced organic falafel, so you got cramps and weren’t able to go meet your other hipster buddies later at the Golden Gopher… See? Jubilees never end well for anyone.

The most recent Jubilee to catch the world’s attention with much pomp and ridiculous circumstance has been The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee over the last week. If this whole celebration shows me anything, it means this year’s Olympics in London may be the biggest snooze-fest we’ve seen from an Olympic host city yet. The British aren’t really known for throwing unique spectacular parties, but perhaps they could surprise us? England has never really conjured images of exotic locales and bizarre cultural traditions, unless of course you count the many images of the other countries they conquered, beaming their colonial smiles, all surrounded by tea sets and servants.

This past weekend I watched the Diamond Jubilee festivities and must say, the British are hilarious even when they aren’t trying to be funny. When the Diamond Jubilee Thames River Pageant got rained on for hours, I loved how absolutely boring the coverage was that they felt the need to talk about babies born during the week and how they commended the organizers for how well they kept the Queen dry. That is some hard hitting news there!

I also loved the one female reporter who said “Well it certainly is pouring here, but it could always be worse!” I’m sorry lady, it rained on your parade… the only way it could have been worse is if the river spontaneously caught fire or a large sewage monster attacked the people of London. I did love the discussion of the history of the Thames and how it used to be wider and actually reeked from all the raw sewage that was poured into it, great conversation to hear while watching the Queen float along it in her little boat. Her outfit looked like some hotel bathrobe she stole, where are all the jewels lady?! She must be a hoarder and has them in some back bedroom with a bunch of pizza boxes and a dead rat.

The London Philharmonic floated past at one point attempting to play some tunes for the dear Queen, and their choir looked like a bunch of wet cats about to get electrocuted by their microphones. We heard this week they will also be “performing” at the London Olympics Opening Ceremonies, but only in show as the venue won’t allow for a good live performance feed. Everybody tune in to see them pull a Britney Spears and play-synch their way through the fun! These games just keep sounding more and more exciting! I know I’ve been super excited about them since we saw a taste of what they have in store at the closing ceremonies of the last Olympics. (It looked like an ugly 80′s tribute to the double decker bus.)

Other highlights during the fabulous flotilla included a group of english ladies that made cakes in honor of the Queen, one of which looked like a bad drag queen I once met at a gay bar in Ohio, and various shots of wet people shivering in the rain while listening to a bunch of union jack covered boats honk their horns. Oh the spectacle! I’ve been to high school house parties that were more exciting than this event. A special reporter got to show us some british delicacies (partially wet from the rain) and it made me crave some bland tea and dry toast. Oh the culinary excitement!

Here is a look at the Diamond Jubilee Thames River Pageant…

Now I must say, the celebrations may have been a bit boring over-all, but this is the most interesting addition to the celebration I found:

The british people may not have the craziest landscape, or most exciting ideas for parties, but I must say they do have the coolest flag around! I have always had a thing for the union jack, the simple color scheme and striking lines have always held a place in my heart. I also love how the people of England really do rally around their flag and the royal family with such strength and fervor, it is commendable. I give them and the Queen a hard time this week, but I am just joking around. I will always adore the many gifts this country has brought to the world. (Besides the Spice Girls… they can keep them.)

My personal favorite moment of the celebrations I saw was when my favorite alien, Grace Jones, performed for the Queen with a hula hoop.

After all the fun of the celebrations apparently Prince Philip, husband to the Queen, has gotten a bladder infection. Now we know, the Queen knows how to party… We wish him a speedy recovery and everybody knows a weekend ending in antibiotics is a weekend to remember!

Yeah, this video pretty much sums it up…

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