Modern Love Week: Oh, It’s Tuesday: Should We Put Deadlines On Love?
- Photo by ElenAndrea
I found this Jezebel article, which argues against puttting a deadline on love interesting. While I agree that you can’t predict when love will find you or you will find it, I do believe in healthy love-based goals.
I consider the search for love the same as the search for the perfect career. I came to LA prepared to leave if I didn’t “make it” in two years. I searched for writing jobs through different venues nearly every single day. I applied for jobs online, through friend referrals; I padded my resume with DIY film projects and by writing plays; I often wrote for free or for a laughable pittance.
This was extremely depressing and it seemed like I would never actually be paid to write, but then lo-and-behold, 3 years after my arrival in this fair city, I actually found a full-time writing gig. So while I wish I hadn’t beat myself up so much during my first 3 years of looking, I do credit persistence with getting me what I wanted.
And I feel the same way about love. In my opinion if you say to yourself, “I want to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with” and you steadily work towards that goal, consistently putting yourself out there, trying new things, and engaging with people, even when you’re feeling fragile and bleak, then you’ll find what you’re looking for love-wise.
However, if we don’t give ourselves deadlines, how do we organize our search for love and career? As extreme as putting a deadline on love or the perfect career might seem, I’d rather deal with an unfair deadline than the frustration and depression that comes with “no deadline.”
The Jezebel article doesn't talk about the biggest downside of love deadlines: settling for less. I have seen many people with firm or general deadlines choose a partner that isn't good enough for them, that they never would have picked at the beginning of their search, who is a terrible match, etc., just because time is ticking away.
People don't tend to acknowledge it, but everyone around them tends to know the score. If only the wedding toasts reflected reality:
"To Bob, the best she could do on such short notice."
"To Jane, you'll make an adequate wife."
"To Jim, you're definitely not the worst guy she's brought home."
Great points. I find people who actually marry the "less" guy fascinating. In my opin, you shouldn't even be dating the "less" guy after a certain age. The "less" guy should only be a teaching tool so that you know who you don't want to date.
I also feel that your early 20s is a time of exploration and that you should get more discriminating with age as opposed to willing to settle for less. By the time I had met my husband when I was 28, I had developed a list of 5 dealbreakers:
1. must want to get married
2. must want children
3. must be nice
4. must be supportive of my career
5. must have a degree
When I was younger, I was willing to be flexible about those dealbreakers, but I feel getting older and actually dating a few guys that broke those rules made me more focused about dating. If a guy exhibited one of these dealbreakers, then I moved on. No more wasting time with men who were "less" than I wanted, and I was also able to recognize how wonderful CH was when he first came along.
So though I agree w/ you about settling for less, I wonder if people who actually marry the "good enough" person 1) aren't impatient as opposed to to focused on a deadline and 2) don't really have a firm grasp on what they truly want in a mate.
The Jezebel article doesn't talk about the biggest downside of love deadlines: settling for less. I have seen many people with firm or general deadlines choose a partner that isn't good enough for them, that they never would have picked at the beginning of their search, who is a terrible match, etc., just because time is ticking away.
People don't tend to acknowledge it, but everyone around them tends to know the score. If only the wedding toasts reflected reality:
"To Bob, the best she could do on such short notice."
"To Jane, you'll make an adequate wife."
"To Jim, you're definitely not the worst guy she's brought home."
Great points. I find people who actually marry the "less" guy fascinating. In my opin, you shouldn't even be dating the "less" guy after a certain age. The "less" guy should only be a teaching tool so that you know who you don't want to date.
I also feel that your early 20s is a time of exploration and that you should get more discriminating with age as opposed to willing to settle for less. By the time I had met my husband when I was 28, I had developed a list of 5 dealbreakers:
1. must want to get married
2. must want children
3. must be nice
4. must be supportive of my career
5. must have a degree
When I was younger, I was willing to be flexible about those dealbreakers, but I feel getting older and actually dating a few guys that broke those rules made me more focused about dating. If a guy exhibited one of these dealbreakers, then I moved on. No more wasting time with men who were "less" than I wanted, and I was also able to recognize how wonderful CH was when he first came along.
So though I agree w/ you about settling for less, I wonder if people who actually marry the "good enough" person 1) aren't impatient as opposed to to focused on a deadline and 2) don't really have a firm grasp on what they truly want in a mate.