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MoneyMoneyMoney! [Ask Dr. Miro: What You Didn’t Learn In Health Class]
Dear Dr. Miro,
I’ve been dating a man for about 6 months and am very much in love with him. He’s sexy and handsome and treats me like a princess and my friends all like him too. The only thing is that we have very disparate incomes. I make about 3 times what he earns in monthly income. He never asks me for money, and isn’t a tightwad when we go out, but I worry about our future together. He spends money when he gets it – I’m a planner and saver. Do you have any advice on when is a good time in the relationship to talk about money? How can I address my concerns without sounding like a worry-wart?
Sincerely,
Happy In Love Worry-Wart
Dear HILW-W,
How wonderful for you to have met this amazing gentleman! The question of money can be tricky. We are not often taught how to approach money matters and become uncomfortable when this topic is broached. A good time to talk about this is RIGHT NOW. If it is causing you worry, then he should know. Words of warning: do NOT bring this up during fore play, Sexy Time or post coital bliss out. (Although the above sounds like a no-brainer, you would be surprised!) While reminding him of how happy you are to be his, let your man know you are having these concerns about your economic future together. He may have been having some similar thoughts. Make sure to come from a place of love and confidence as opposed to insecure accusations of him not being a suitable provider. It is best to get it all out on the table instead of shoved beneath the rug where you will trip over it for years to come. This is all part of having grown up relationships. These difficult conversations can be incredibly rewarding in the long run and can even bring you closer together!
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
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featured image credit: jeeked
HILW-W should also keep in mind that money doesn’t have to be a contentious matter. I’m a money nerd, but I’ve really had fun educating myself about money and incorporating stuff like Mint.com and retirement planning into our lives. It doesn’t matter who makes more if you’re on the same money page. So yes, if she has concerns about the fact that he’s living paycheck to paycheck, it’s best to bring it up now, so that she can have some idea if he’s willing to approach the way he thinks about and handles money differently. If he gets upset, it’s going to be awkward, but at least she knows now and can get out. Waiting until after you’re married to discuss these things is no good.
My other suggestion would be to do it over a nice dinner and wine, and steep the conversation in context. That is, don’t say, “I think you’re horrible with money.” Be specific. “I really see us having a future together, but I’m concerned were not on the same page. How do you feel about x, y, and z?” Then just talk about it. If he wants to save more, but finds it hard-to-impossible to do so on what he makes, that’s totally fine, I think. If he really could care less about his financial future, that’s another. In any case, she can use this as a chance to help him get the money education he needs.
Excellent advice, Ernessa! Remember how appreciation goes a long way. All animals, including humans, respond well to positive reinforcement. The reason you are having these concerns is because you want to be with him in the future as a result of all the other amazing things about him! Make sure to mention those first.