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My Boyfriend of Ten Years Says He Might Not Love Me Anymore [Ask Dr. Miro]
Dear Dr. Miro,
My boyfriend says he’s not sure if he loves me anymore. We’ve been together for over10 years so I can understand how people can lose that hyper passion in-love feeling but to not love me at all? What do I do with that? It’s not like we need to stay together for the kids or even cats since we don’t have any pets (we share only a Ficus tree), but is there a possibility that he does still love me and just doesn’t realize it?
Sincerely,
Hoping For Love
Dear HFL,
So your beau is not sure of his love for you. Ask him what he is sure of. That will tell you a lot. Is it possible Boyfriend is having his own personality life crisis and cannot figure out up from down? If this is the case, you will need to take an honest assessment of how willing you are to put things on hold until Mr. Confusion figures out where he is. This is an extremely painful place to be. Try not to allow his flighty comments to affect your sense of self.
In truth, it sounds like Man-Child simply does not hold those love feelings anymore. This happens. Be honest: are you willing to be with someone who no longer loves you? You know you deserve to be in a relationship in which the feelings are mutual. Yes, things are often uneven in some way or manner but usually in workable ways. Of course it is nearly impossible to maintain that passionate fascination with your partner over the long term, but to not be sure about simply loving and caring about you?! Those are unacceptable words to have come out of your mate’s mouth – unless of course you are in the middle of a break up and the guy is attempting cruelty. His vocalization of this loss of sentiment probably means that he has been thinking about it for a while. Love is a funny thing in that: You. Just. Know. It is possible he may love you and is unable to access those emotions at this juncture. It is more likely that he, like the 10 CC song, is not in love.
Lust & Happiness,
Dr. Miro
featured image credit: Gabriela Camerotti
I want to be clear that I fully believe you can revive those deliciously yummy passionate feelings but it is unrealistic to expect them to remain *constant* throughout your relationship. There will be wanes and ebbs, like all things in life.
I agree. I think many men are under the impression that there will remain a consistent, heightened passion with their partners and when it doesn’t always work out that way, they look for it elsewhere. I think many women are more content to ride out the ebb and flow that’s present in many relationships–I certainly am. Sometimes I’m really into my partner and the life we share and other times I wish he was elsewhere–instead of sitting on the couch watching crappy TV. I think certain men consider any shift in their feelings to be a signal to move on. I’d like to think a better approach if they’re committed to the relationship is to talk to their partners early on when those feelings pop up, go to couples therapy to get those feelings out in the open, or work together to set a different course for the relationship instead of slipping back into patterns of behavior that aren’t satisfying to either person in the relationship.
Totally agree, BTDT. Unfortunately a lot of people (men aren’t the only culprits) are not so good at “using their words” or even acknowledging these feelings when they begin creeping in.