Natalie Hall Has a Nerdgasm in Therapy [Fierce Anticipation]

Comic-Con is over. George R. R. Martin finally released A Dance with Dragons. “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part2: Welcome to the Real World” opened and reminded us all that everything you love will eventually end. Alan Rickman’s next film project is with – god forbid – Cameron Diaz. It feels as if nerds everywhere have collapsed into a sweaty, sticky, spent heap, like a child after the Disneyland parade, or an adult film star after the AVN Awards. Luckily, there’s always something titillating around the corner. In this case, some quasi-intellectual-pseudo-porn to keep you warm in your seat until Dark Knight Rises.

FIERCELY ANTICIPATING

A Dangerous Method

Let’s be honest. The trailer to A Dangerous Method is, in a word, superhot. I always prefer my mind-fuck in a three-piece suit, don’t you? To anyone who’s ever fallen for his or her therapist (everyone who’s ever been in therapy) this is the ultimate in wish fulfillment. Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen are both as talented as they are sexified. Vincent Cassel retains that “No Means Yes” quality even when dressed like Van Gogh (for no apparent reason). Kiera Knightly is miraculously not bothering me, and might actually be great in it. The dialect work sounds pretty above board all around. Plus: parasols! Bodice-ripping! Leather straps! Strudel! Had I known all I had to do to have some fun in the sack was go “Yellow Wallpaper” on everyone, I would have lost it a long time ago. Side note, I looked up director David Cronenberg on IMDB to verify a few things, and his helpful bio tells me that he is known as “The King of Venereal Horror”. I was going to be Sexy Hagrid for Halloween, but I think I have a new costume idea.


KINDA WANNA SEE

Coriolanus


Tough Guys

Image courtesy of Kino Gallery via Collider


He Who Shall Not Be Named rises again. I haven’t been able to find an official trailer for “Coriolanus: The Greatest Bromance Ever Told” so I’m still not sure what to think of it. I’m a Shakespeare geek, and I always get excited when a talented group of people takes on a film adaptation. On the one hand, Ralph Fiennes is a brilliant actor and I’m fascinated to see what he will make of his directorial debut. On the other, we seem to have a Scottish problem. In fact the only bit of stunt casting in the whole thing seems to be Gerard Butler. He’s a tricksy one, he is. Most people think he’s a bit of a twat, and he does look a bit arrogant with his hail Caesar hairdo and bulging arm muscles. When I started writing this I was pretty much going to argue against him, by sheer virtue of having seen 5 minutes of him in Katherine Heigl’s abortive The Ugly Truth. However, during my “research” I stumbled across this gem on his IMDB trivia page: “Cried while talking about the Phantom’s loneliness to The Phantom of the Opera (2004) director Joel Schumacher.” I think I’m on his side now, guys. Of course, time will tell. We’ll see what he can do with language on that scale. Either way, he’s guaranteed to be somewhat shirtless and bloody for the majority of the movie and if old Ray knows what’s what, he’ll be sure to work in some of the steamy homoeroticism that the play is (in)famous for. At one point, Tullus Aufidius says breathlessly to Coriolanus: “that I see thee here, / Thou noble thing, more dances my rapt heart / Than when I first my wedded mistress saw / Bestride my threshold.” Here’s hoping.


WOULDN’T GO IF YOU PAID ME

Spectacle

We needed a sequel to this?

New Years Eve


I had the particular misfortune of sitting through the gang-bang rom-com Valentines Day starring Everyone In Hollywood as Assholes. Well, it’s back. But this time on New Years. In New York. All you really need to know about it’s plot, depth and character development is contained within the final line of this summary I found on Movie Insider: “Ashton Kutcher will play a guy who hates New Years Eve.”

Me too Ashton, me too.



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