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Nerd in Transition: Seriously, One Day At A Time…

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a favorite blogumn by Kelly Kaboom Lett

Kelly Says: This blogumn got me in some hot water when it first appeared on FaN. At the time I was coaching roller derby to girls between the ages of 8-16, and while I had discussed my addiciton previously, never had I gone into such great detail. Those details created concern among certain people and I was ordered to remove the blog, or leave my coaching position. I did, and still do, love working with children and at the time I thought that position was the only thing keeping me sane. After a heated debate I had the blog removed and most of you never got a chance to read it. I am having it put back up because a month later I left coaching after realizing that the behind the scene’s tension was a direct cause to much of my daily stress. It is also my intention to allow you to see where I started. My next new blog is going to be an update filled with victories, losses and stagnation as I continue to fight addiction and create the life I desire so badly.

From May 25, 2010

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It has been 18 days since I last smoked any weed at all. Over the past two months I have gone through a series of false starts in dealing with my addiction. I would get to 4 or 5 days and then smoke again for whatever reason. Often a single shared bowl with a friend on a Friday night would lead to my purchasing an 1/8th the next day which would trash the next 4 days of my life. For those of you not in the know, an 1/8th size bag of weed is between $40-60 bucks, that’s alot of money for anĀ unemployed actor. An 1/8th should last a week or two, I was lucky to stretch it out to four days. Now that I am at 18 days, I believe I can actually reach my 30 day mark.

30 days is like a beacon. In 30 days my emotions will even out, my brain will function normally (currently it’s a wacky morning show funhouse in there) and my energy levels should find an even keel. 30 days is the goal, the destination, but not the final frontier. After I reach that then I really have to figure out how to live life without my favorite crutch.

OH! And I can’t substitute it for another destructive crutch, like say wine. Nope once I hit that mark the real work begins.

Until then, though, I have been allowing myself certain indulgences to get me through. Sometimes I have a couple glasses of wine, but I stop at two. I AM NOT going to bars, except for St. Patty’s day and even then I choose to hang out with a whole new group of friends, people that aren’t used to smoking with me as we drink the night away. No cigarettes, those are long gone, 3 years since my last cancer stick.

There have been a number of unnecessary expenditures, girl you should see the cute new shoes I have. But easily my favorite fall back is food. I have a refrigerator full of healthy fruits and veggies, leans meats and all the fixings, and yet yesterday I found myself in the drivethrough at El 7 Mares taking advantage of dollar fish taco day. I made sure to get a side of fries to go with my 3 deep fried tacos. I gotta tell ya, they were gooooood.

The reason I am eating off my diet is because right now it’s just too much for me to try and handle all the problems at once. There are times when the depression of unemployment and withdrawal become so overwhelming that I need that cadbury cream egg as I watch reruns of Rupaul’s Drag Race. I think I forgot to mention that TV is a crutch for me as well. I’m a big fan of the idiot box and all the comfortable warm glow it has to offer. That’s the thing, I’m looking for comfort.

We all know that life is tough, it’s even harder when your going it alone. Here I am out in LA trying to break into the most, the MOST, competitive business in the world and I am all alone. My family is across the country. I have no boyfriend and I have managed to alienate many potential friends with my drug addiction and bad behavior. So excuse me for feeling a little vulnerable at times. Since joining MA I have made the decision that if things get bad enough, if my depression scraps the bottom again, I will go ahead and eat off my diet.

Have no fear all hope is not lost for my waistline. This week I started going to step aerobics classes at the community center near me. Claus and I are still making fresh juice almost daily. Protein shakes made from Almond or rice milk have become a routine meal for me. And there are more times than not that I talk myself past the fast food drivethrough. I haven’t given up, what would be the point if I did? Why give up one expensive, destructive crutch just to replace it with another expensive, destructive crutch? I refuse to do that. It’s when I need some comfort beyond walking the dog again that I go after that roasted banana gelato.

I know I’m doing something right. I am down to a size 12 and am dangerously close to a 10. Sure I could be there already, but at what cost? There might be new size 10 jeans covering my ass, but I also might still be stuck on day 4. While I want the hottness that is Kelly as a 6, ultimately I want the joyful, friendly, productive, positive, loving Kelly that is weed-free. Thankfully I am aware that while it may all be one day at a time, it’s all going to come together at the same time. I mean, wouldn’t it be great if I hit 30 days AND size 10 on the same day?

Yeah, that would be pretty rad.