Nerd in Transition: Tackling the Jelly Belly

41 1/2, 42, 46 1/2, 29, 13 1/2, 16, 213

Alright nerd friends, any guesses on what this particular number sequence stands for? Math was never my subject, but maybe a few of you out there know of some formula that comes close to looking like this? I’d like to know because this row of numbers has tattooed itself to the backs of my eyeballs. I just can’t get it out of my head. I wish I could say Lottery winnings, but if that were true I’d be busy quiting my job and buying a car right now. No that row of numbers is a bottom line.

Recently I wrote about an enjoyable two wedding weekend  I attended where I wore a skin tight red dress. To be fair it wasn’t completely skintight, the top part is blousy and loose though made of the same stretch cotton that then becomes a red glove hugging everything I’ve got from under my bosom down. That was a bold call on my part, a full figured gal in stretch red cotton. Yet I did it and held my head high the whole time. Some people loved it and others looked me up and down like I was a walking disease. Helping me hold it all together was a full body girdle and a pair of high waist nylons. The ruching on the dress itself didn’t hurt either. That’s a lot of armor to wear, eat and dance in for two days. Though I had a great time and felt every bit the beautiful woman I am, it would have been nice to be minus a layer.

The fact is I have let myself go. Transitioning from 12-16 hours of intense skating mixed with various toning and conditioning exercises to 12-16 hours spent on my couch with my laptop has not been good for my body. While I have spent time and effort on diets, juicers, P90X and other weight control methods this past year, really at some point, I just let go.  I allowed myself to eat anything that came to mind. I justified not working out far more often then convincing myself to break a sweat.  It has been cathartic in it’s own right. Resting, healing, releasing negative memories, refocusing on my creative dreams, living a life without bruises; it hasn’t been all bad.

Time has come to move forward though, I can no longer ignore what I am doing to myself. I have tackled other issue’s this year, now it’s time to tackle the jelly belly.  Understanding that I am not able to help myself by myself I have finally reached out to a friend. Though many people have been suggesting Weight Watchers, there is that whole group thing. The same “group thing” that keeps me away from MA  and team bowling dates. Preferring to handle this more one on one I called in my friend Krissy Krash, a living amazon and former Tough Cookies teammate who just happens to sell Herbalife. If you aren’t familiar with Herbalife, and I really don’t know how you could not be, it’s a company that sells supplements and protein shakes.  They are huge in this whole diet shake field and getting bigger. Using the same network marketing plan that Avon employs to push cheap jewellery and pressed powder, the people selling these shakes really have to hustle to make it work. Krissy is pretty damn successful and turning a nice little profit each month because she started pushing shakes on a community of fitness already minded women, rollergirls.

The other reason she is doing so well is that Krissy is very attentive to each one of her clients. So after two years of her simple reminders and nudges to call when I would bitch about my weight I gave and dialed. I don’t know that the shakes and supplements are really going to do me a world of good, they will be the things that nourish my shrinking body, really what I am paying her for is the guidance and support. Having somebody to report too makes all the difference in the world, and paying a person to do it guarantees that I will keep with it.

The shakes are decent though. And I’m not saying that they are magical or anything, but on my first day I captured the attention of two intense men on my bus ride home. The first was an elderly gentleman with very white hair. He was seated when I got on my first bus, as I scanned for a seat I saw his eyebrows raise as he took me in. Ending up in a seat very close, I felt him fighting his urge to stare the whole ride. As he was exited the bus he knelt down next to me and said with a thick Spanish accent, “Excuse me, I mean this with all my respect, you are a most beautiful woman.” He smiled and exited, then blew me kisses as I waved through the bus window.

Arriving at my second stop feeling like a pretty princess I took a seat on the bench. Right away I noticed a tall, thin, dirty man, also with gray hair. He was standing less then ten feet from me with one hand in his front pocket, openly staring at me. That one hand was moving very fast.

NO WAY!! He’s not doing THAT! Turning my back on him I looked for my bus. From behind I heard the fast hiss of breath being sucked over yellow teeth followed by a groan with the word “Momma” attached. HE IS! He’s doing THAT! This time I stood up and began a gentle dance of hide and seek with the pervert. If I moved behind a sign, he would move to see me and this is how we moved as I waited and waited for the bus. Grunting and moaning his pleasure, he finished and then got on his bike and peddled away!!

I think I was more incredulous at the fact that he rode away on a bike. He rode to the bus stop for the purpose of finding a woman to stare at as he jacked off on a downtown street in the middle of the day. I just happened to be the lucky lady who’s bus was late that particular day. Leave it to public transportation  to make you feel like a pretty princess one minute and like a over-appreciated, stiff, torn out center-fold the next.

Keep in mind that that was my first diet day and I had had my Herbalife shakes that morning. Again I’m not saying they are magic but without any make-up on and wind dried hair I managed to get two mens hearts and hands pumping. So if you haven’t figured it out those numbers up top are my measurements and my weight.

Chest 41 1/2”

Waist 42”

Hips 46 1/2”

Right Thigh 29”

Left Thigh 29”

Arm 13 1/2”

Calf 16”

Weight 213pds.

That’s right a 42” waist. This is where I am starting from, 5’7” and over 200 pounds. Yet somehow still gorgeous.