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New Age Guru Attempts Suicide With Homeopathic Cyanide; Alive And Well

Sedona, AZ – Thursday
By Joshua Mauldin

After a long battle with depression, guru/psychic/healer/cranial-sacral specialist Soaring Eagle (birth name Lawrence Jones) decided to traverse to higher spiritual plain by imbibing a homeopathic cyanide solution.

After little more than slight bladder irritation, Eagle urinated and went to bed. The next morning, he discovered why it didn’t work.

“I forgot to put away my positive energy crystals,” Eagle said thankfully. “They must have blocked my transference.”

He knew the crystals were powerful but had no idea of their magnitude.

“I diluted the cyanide down to a small enough percentage to kill an ox, clearly the universe intervened.”

Eagle will be selling these Life Protecting Energy Crystals on his website beginning tomorrow for $200 a piece. Or, for $250, he’ll throw in a chakra exam. Act now, your life could depend on it.

Feature Image Credit: Vermont Psychic