New Alabama Abortion Law To Define Life “At Second Drink” [Daily News Brief]

Mobile, AL – 2pm PST
By Joshua Mauldin

Alabama Republican, Anderson Smoo, proposed a bill in the state legislature Thursday that seeks to establish the beginning of life when a woman imbibes a second beer, cocktail or glass of wine. Personhood measures are popular in conservative states these days but Smoo doesn’t think they go far enough. “Those measures are all well and good but we need to nip the real causes of abortion in the bud before that conversation happens.” Smoo believes that, “no self-respectin” woman has more than one drink unless she’s trying to silence her inhibitions, inhibitions that often lead to conception. “Drunk women are the number one cause of unwanted pregnancies. I don’t have any fancy studies to back that up but everyone knows it’s true.”

Critics point out that this bill has nothing to do with abortion and everything to do with Smoo’s daughter not using protection with a friend of a friend after succombing to inebriation. “If I can save other fathers from the shame and embarrassment that she’s caused me then you’re damn right I’m going to. I can’t walk into church without hearin’ snickers.” Women’s rights activists criticised Smoo further for enacting nonsensical legislation to “comfort the bruising of his misguided ego” instead of seeking prosecution for what was most likely rape. “Men try to get laid, can’t blame ‘em for that. Lord knows I’ve done my share of greasin’ a lady’s wheels in the past. Don’t get me wrong, I wanna kill him, but if Jennifer had kept her damn legs closed this disgrace never would’ve happened. I did not raise her to be a [expletive deleted] whore.” With a small majority of middle-aged men with daughters in the legislature, analysts predict the bill to pass.

featured image credit: Kenn Wilson